He goes hot and cold and also never meets

[Annia]

Two years of talking, plus i am very picky. He just fitted in every aspect. It's just i picked the wrong one. I am a very successful woman career wise and confident too. I couldn't find an equally successful man for a long time except for him. I am super emotional too.

 

Just because someone fits all your criteria (theoretically), it doesn't mean that things work or match in real life. This is genuinely the case. Also, you don't know how he's on a day to day basis since you were with him just once, so it's hard to say that he fits your criteria for a good relationship.

[Alexia009]

You were his fantasy and he was yours.

You are both responsible for allowing it to go on this long. He was of course happy to because he only considered it a fantasy.

You wanted to make a fantasy real by obliging him with HIS fantasy.

 

It doesn’t matter how smart you are at work etc, you clearly aren’t so smart when it comes to relationships.

You have wasted 2 years ignoring possibilities of relationships by ignoring potentials just to have phone sex with a guy who doesn’t even care to actually have sex with you. Why???!

 

This is your issue not his.

He never wanted anything more from you. You actually know this but still haven’t deleted or blocked him?

And then call that “unfortunate”?

 

Because this fantasy went on for too long. It started to seem real. I was clear in the beginning about what I am getting into. I wasn't hoping for any relationship but honestly a casual affair only. The only thing that I was not aware of, that it would end up being a virtual affair only. I am at fault because I could still stop, but it had already been too long. He too lied even when I confronted him about the same. He is well behaved, charming and above all the kind of society I come from, men are judgemental, women are still not much free to express their sexual desires. He is open minded and this comfort got the virtual thing too long and then emotional attachment with the virtual fling.

 

 

As far as ignoring potentials for two years, there was always quantity, not quality. So I kinda hoped that this one would work. But yes you are right. He didn't care enough to have sex with me. I know he is not to blame. I am also not blaming him. But it still hurts!

[Annia]

You sound so right. I have a question to you Billie, I was curious otherwise, as a male you can give some insight, men generally do not miss out on any opportunity to have sex considering my experience with other guys, no matter if they are married. have girl friend or casually hooking up. Experience with this guy was perplexing. Although he was himself suggesting all the time to meet, but when the time came, he never could make it blaming this on various reasons.

 

No, not all men will grab a sex opportunity even if they're married or have a girlfriend. Many non committed (and sometimes even committed) men will grab a sex opportunity if it's low effort and if it's convenient, but if they have other options or you're low on their priority list (have local women at their disposal, you're too far away or not that into you), they won't drop everything to have sex with you. They'll continue their lives. Other men are all online talk but then don't have feel confident interacting with women in real life. Whatever it is, this man doesn't want to meet you and it's about time to accept it. (I'm not a man but these are my observations to my own experiences, my friends and having several male friends)

[Alexia009]

Because this fantasy went on for too long. It started to seem real. I was clear in the beginning about what I am getting into. I wasn't hoping for any relationship but honestly a casual affair only. The only thing that I was not aware of, that it would end up being a virtual affair only. I am at fault because I could still stop, but it had already been too long. He too lied even when I confronted him about the same. He is well behaved, charming and above all the kind of society I come from, men are judgemental, women are still not much free to express their sexual desires. He is open minded and this comfort got the virtual thing too long and then emotional attachment with the virtual fling.

 

 

As far as ignoring potentials for two years, there was always quantity, not quality. So I kinda hoped that this one would work. But yes you are right. He didn't care enough to have sex with me. I know he is not to blame. I am also not blaming him. But it still hurts!

 

Yes I do feel , he should have been more honest that this is virtual only. He never made this intention clear. Because I am always honest and upfront with people. That would have worked better.

[MissCanuck]

Yes I do feel , he should have been more honest that this is virtual only. He never made this intention clear. Because I am always honest and upfront with people. That would have worked better.

 

This is why you can't wait for other people to tell you what to do, OP.

 

It should have been clear within the first couple months after your date that he had no intention of meeting again, whether he said so directly or not. You didn't need to wait until now to get that message, really.

 

And he was happy with this being only virtual. It serves his purpose, which is just to cure his horniness or boredom. He wasn't about to come out and tell you that's all it would ever be, because then you would (hopefully) have cut him off.

[goddess]

I don't buy that, at least in this case. If you were picky, you wouldn't be wasting two years on a guy who is all talk, no action. You would have discarded this dude ages ago. Picky women don't hang on to a non-starter. They devote their time to men who walk the walk and nix the rest.

 

I think you need to be more realistic with yourself and this situation. You have built up an idea of who this man is, based on very little real-life interaction. It's who you hope he is that you're stuck on, not who he actually is. That's likely also what happened when you suggested dating on your first and only meeting. You put the cart before the horse. I also think you need to concede that yes, you are leading with emotions and it's getting you into murky territory. You're attached to a fantasy here, because it feels good to feed the emotions that seek attention and validation from someone we like. But you're seeking it from the wrong source. He obviously is not interested beyond a phone-sex game, but you keep hoping he will change his mind and help you feel better about wasting so much time on him. Time to stop that.

 

Cut this guy off.

 

This is spot on! Especially this: "If you were picky, you wouldn't be wasting two years on a guy who is all talk, no action." Sorry to say, but you are being treated like a doormat, and I question your self confidence. He is clearly not interested in pursuing any sort of relationship. Don't be naive. As MissCanuck stated: CUT HIM OFF!!! Now!

[reinventmyself]

Yes I do feel , he should have been more honest that this is virtual only. He never made this intention clear.

 

But when he failed to plan a date with you over and over, he made his intentions clear. I wasn't even there and I can read it.

[reinventmyself]

I think you need to address your own unavailability. Because if you are getting attention as you say, successful and all these other fine attributes, you would have cut this guy off at the pass when he showed the very first sign of not following through. Instead you waiting a year, possibly two believing he would eventually show up.

 

Why did he keep saying he would? Because he quickly realized that's all the minimal effort he needed to do to keep you hooked.

[Wiseman2]

The only thing you have in common is both of you hiding behind a screen. Stop that trend and reflect on why and what you really want.

[katrina1980]

Alexia, consider this.

 

You say you're picky which translated means, you don't develop feelings of attraction for a man very often.

 

Fair enough, but considering the man is quite a distance away, you've never met in the two years you've been interacting with him, could it be possible the reason why you developed feelings for him is precisely because he's a distance away, you don't spend time in person, and as such is essentially one big fantasy for you?

 

Fantasies are quite powerful, can evoke all sorts of crazy intense emotions. Those emotions are real, I would never say they're not, BUT what you're basing your emotions on (the fantasy) is not real.

 

I would seriously explore this within yourself; women who are emotionally ready to date and develop "real" relationships leading to commitment (versus on line fantasy interactions) would never tolerate this for two years.

[saluk]

Put him out of your mind, and come up with a list of things that are important to you to have in a relationship. This is something I did years ago after a rough breakup with someone who in a way was a fantasy, even though we had an actual in person relationship and not just phone sex... It really helped me separate the feelings of desire I had from the actual qualities that I am looking for.

 

Yes, you DESIRE him. But he probably doesn't actually rank that high on your list of qualities if you were actually being choosy.

 

One of those qualities that would be in your list, just as an example, is probably someone who likes to see you in person and have sex with you for real.

[Annia]

But when he failed to plan a date with you over and over, he made his intentions clear. I wasn't even there and I can read it.

 

A lesson we all need to learn is that things don't always have to be said directly for us to understand. Actions always speak louder than words. If someone won't meat, it's because they don't want to meet you for whatever reason. They don't need to spell it out or to explain for you to take action and cut it out.

[Wiseman2]

Agree actions speak for themselves. This is why we love auto-correct 🥩😋🍖:

If someone won't meat...

[Cope]

men generally do not miss out on any opportunity to have sex considering my experience with other guys, no matter if they are married. have girl friend or casually hooking up.

 

This is not true. And I'm saying this as I also thought the same, that men are always after sex, men always cheat and so on. Getting into therapy helped me realize that it's my upbringing that made me believe men are like that. It's simply not true. Our patriarchal society has also helped in shaping this illusion about men.

 

There can be more reasons you believe this, and I'd advise you to look into it, because the fact that you have such an idea about men, shows that your standards are low and this is another reason you're stuck on this fantasy.

[Gary Snyder]

Gee, you two are going to be seventy before you have a first date!

 

I just read the opening post, but I'll say this - it's not a relationship if you are not meeting the guy and dating.

 

If a man won't meet you within a few weeks after you ask, drop him and date somebody else.

[melancholy123]

I only read the first page of posts. So, IMO this guy is married or has a steady gf. He's using you to get his rocks off. What on earth are you getting out of this? Surely you know you are wasting your time with this guy. You are a sexy fantasy bit of fun to him, nothing else. Time to stop this, you are clearly wasting your time and your life on him and it's going nowhere and it never will.