I don’t want a bachelor party

[Nickel Speed]

 

There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

 

My soon to be ex father in law did not dance with my soon to be ex mother in law at their wedding because he didn't want to. My soon to be ex mother in law divorced him and cites that particular instance as the moment she began to resent him and it all went down hill...all over something as silly as a dance he was too embarrassed to do.

 

It was much more embarrassing for her having to explain not having a first dance at her wedding.

 

 

No point in drawing a line in the sand over something silly when OP only has to go out for a few hours and have some fun in a hobby.

[MissCanuck]

OP, a couple of speculations on her odd insistence on a party:

 

1) She is planning on having a stripper at her bachelorette and wants to soothe any guilt she might feel over that.

 

2) She is planning on surprising you with a private striptease at your bachelor party and your boys are helping orchestrate that.

 

3) She is organizing some other surprise that will be ready upon your return from your bachelor party and needs you gone for a couple days to get it ready. Again, your buddies might be in on it.

[redswim30]

There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

 

I completely disagree. People that love you should NOT EVER try and force you to do things that you do not want to or make you uncomfortable.

 

His wedding and whether or not he wants a bachelor party SHOULD be about him- LOL. This is 2018 and there are no "MUSTS" at a wedding or in anything leading up to it. If the family will be "disappointed"- let them be! They can do what they want at their OWN wedding! Not everyone does traditional things at weddings, not everyone likes them and that is totally OKAY! You shouldn't feel forced to do something just because other people think you should! For my wedding, we didn't do anything "traditional" at our reception- No wedding cake or cutting, no dancing, no throwing bouquet or garder. Just dinner at a nice restaurant and talking to our small contingent of guests. And it was AWESOME! We did what we wanted, because it was OUR wedding and no one else's! If you love your spouse and they hate dancing, why would you force them? Because your 2nd cousin that you never see "expects" it? That just seems cruel and selfish to me.

 

I also completely disagree with "Happy wife, happy life"- that is completely outdated, imbalanced, and unfair to the husband. A marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship. IMVHO, The most successful marriages happen when both partners feelings are considered under all and every circumstance and especially in big decisions like your wedding. Not "I don't care how you feel, you better DO it!" There's a big difference between compromising and sacrificing. A strong marriage is about compromise, not sacrificing your own wants and feelings- especially about something like details of your wedding. That is not at all healthy. He has a right to have a say in his own wedding. He shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to- Period. If his fiance doesn't understand that, then I have wonder how much she really loves or respects him.

[Batya33]

I don’t have what I call “hobbies” - I certainly have things I like to do and one of them is working. Another is taking care of my child. I don’t like the “shoulds” when it comes to “hobbies” - it’s like that silly question people ask “so...what do you like to do for fun “ and heaven forbid if you say something like “reading, working on my job, watching old shark tanks and finding socks that match”. On the other hand I chuckle at the myriad of posts on social media where people who probably love to find matching Tupperware and socks claim to have all these “super cool” hobbies like training for triathlons and kickboxing and making their own pottery and essential oils. And if your kids don’t have the accepted sports “activities” watch out. Please. It’s up to each couple to decide what’s fun and what they like to do together and apart not some “if you want a happy marriage you must have a hobby and a weekly date night “ kind of thing. I love to power walk daily and I love my 3-4 times a year volunteer work at the local NPR station and I would HATE if my husband tried to pressure me into a girls night out “for your own good” because his relative was organizing it. I’d want him to have my back and tell his relative thanks but no thanks and my wife would love instead to meet you for lunch. He wouldn’t do such a thing. He is an introvert and when his parents had me plan a 30tj bday surprise party for him I did so and it was thoughtful of them and I got him there and he liked it but large gatherings were not his thing and the evening was a bit awkward for him. Back then I didn’t know it would be but now I know and I’d prioritize his needs or at least do my best to support his preferences for a party. That to me is what is important - respect for the individual over silly “shoulds”.

 

Redswim we had the same kind of wedding. Loved it!!!

[redswim30]

It was much more embarrassing for her having to explain not having a first dance at her wedding.

 

 

I can see why he's divorcing her. " My new husband is embarrassed by dancing in public and I love him so I will respect his wishes". Easy. Or, ask everyone to JOIN YOU BOTH in the first dance, to make him less uncomfortable. Lots of options if she wasn't just thinking about herself. She RESENTED him over that? That's pretty petty. Also, everyone should talk about all details of your wedding before your wedding and what you are both comfortable with. Compromises should be reached long before a ceremony or party takes place.

[smackie9]

I completely disagree. People that love you should NOT EVER try and force you to do things that you do not want to or make you uncomfortable.

 

His wedding and whether or not he wants a bachelor party SHOULD be about him- LOL. This is 2018 and there are no "MUSTS" at a wedding or in anything leading up to it. If the family will be "disappointed"- let them be! They can do what they want at their OWN wedding! Not everyone does traditional things at weddings, not everyone likes them and that is totally OKAY! You shouldn't feel forced to do something just because other people think you should! For my wedding, we didn't do anything "traditional" at our reception- No wedding cake or cutting, no dancing, no throwing bouquet or garder. Just dinner at a nice restaurant and talking to our small contingent of guests. And it was AWESOME! We did what we wanted, because it was OUR wedding and no one else's! If you love your spouse and they hate dancing, why would you force them? Because your 2nd cousin that you never see "expects" it? That just seems cruel and selfish to me.

 

I also completely disagree with "Happy wife, happy life"- that is completely outdated, imbalanced, and unfair to the husband. A marriage should be a partnership not a dictatorship. IMVHO, The most successful marriages happen when both partners feelings are considered under all and every circumstance and especially in big decisions like your wedding. Not "I don't care how you feel, you better DO it!" There's a big difference between compromising and sacrificing. A strong marriage is about compromise, not sacrificing your own wants and feelings- especially about something like details of your wedding. That is not at all healthy. He has a right to have a say in his own wedding. He shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to- Period. If his fiance doesn't understand that, then I have wonder how much she really loves or respects him.

 

Do you speak from experience???, because I do....almost 30 years of it. She's not asking him to go bungee jumping or jump out of a plane, she's hoping he will just spend some time with the close men in his life to share this special coming event. It doesn't have to be strippers, and kegs of beer, but it should be something. it's only ONE night...that's it. If he can't bring himself to do a few hours , then there is more to this than a bachelor party.

 

I knew a very religious man whom had a bachelor party. He simply went into another area while some of the others were entertained by a stripper. Once that was over they gathered together for a nice evening out of respect for him. It didn't stop him from going because he didn't like the stripper being there. They compromised.

[redswim30]

Do you speak from experience???, because I do....almost 30 years of it. She's not asking him to go bungee jumping or jump out of a plane, she's hoping he will just spend some time with the close men in his life to share this special coming event. It doesn't have to be strippers, and kegs of beer, but it should be something. it's only ONE night...that's it. If he can't bring himself to do a few hours , then there is more to this than a bachelor party.

 

Congrats on your 30 years! Yes, I have a lot of experience. I've had an unsuccessful marriage with an ex that tried to force things on me that I didn't want and grew to resent. And now I am in a successful marriage with a man who actually respects me and cares about my feelings. I don't have any problem with you, smackie- I simply disagree. And you are welcome to disagree with me.

 

To me, it doesn't matter WHAT it is- if he doesn't want to do something, he should not be forced to. I do not believe in forcing a spouse into doing something that they do not want, because I LIVED that! And I am saying that no, it does not "have to be" something. She's "hoping" doesn't mean he has to do it. I wonder if would feel differently if she HATED shopping and he said to her " I expect you to spend an entire day shopping with a bunch of women before the wedding cause that's what my mom did" and she said "Thanks, but I really don't like shopping and I don't feel comfortable in big groups of women and I'd really prefer not to" and he still kept pushing it on her after she said no a bunch of times. And he basically said, " Suck it up. I want you to do it, so you're doing it."

Would you think that was healthy? Would it really matter if she didn't go shopping? Should he love her less because she doesn't want to do one insignificant thing that she isn't comfortable with? He could ask her to go shopping, sure. But what I'm saying is that she should have every right to say no. I agree that there is more to this than his bachelor party. His fiance sounds extremely controlling and selfish to me and I do not see how this marriage can be successful if she refuses to consider his feelings on this matter. He has clearly stated his wishes, and I don't understand why she can't respect them.

[Nickel Speed]

In summary, there are a couple of you that don't believe in sucking it up and compromising on insignificant items, or at least you profess not to on this forum.

 

So either, you are compromising and don't realize it, or your spouse is the one doing all the compromising. There is no in between. Not everyone agrees on everything.

[Batya33]

I am not one of those people. I was responding to this specific situation only and my comments need not be expanded beyond or twisted into ways not intended. Compromise and respect are essential.

[Hollyj]

She does not seem to listen. If you do not want one, then don't have one. Your GF does not get to decide. You should tell your best man how you feel. SPEAK UP!

[Hollyj]

Everyone should have a hobby outside of the relationship. Disagree if you want.

 

What's wrong with keeping everyone happy and enjoying yourself a little. I told him he could do ANYTHING and just call it his bachelor party.

 

Sure, he can stand his ground and refuse to do anything.. but is it really worth the headache? It's certainly not to me.

 

He shouldn't have to. The bachelor party is about him, and no one else.

[abitbroken]

I knew a very religious man whom had a bachelor party. He simply went into another area while some of the others were entertained by a stripper. Once that was over they gathered together for a nice evening out of respect for him. It didn't stop him from going because he didn't like the stripper being there. They compromised.

 

WHo is the bachelor party for then?? That sounds very selfish of the groomsmen to throw something like that. That's quite disgraceful if they planned something that excluded the groom to be. They should have gone to a strip club on their own time if that's what they so desired.

 

Honestly, the point of the bachelor party is to spend time with the groom to be and do things they think that he would enjoy

[Gary Snyder]

OP is talkin the talk of a person who has anxiety issues. I totally get it, anxiety sucks. I lost it when I found out my sister in law planned a surprise 50th birthday party for me, when I told everyone I did not one one. I was pissed off and just lost it. My husband knew I would, that's why he gave me the heads up....but I sucked it up and went anyways.

 

There are times OP you just have to suck it up and get it over with because it's not always about you. You are doing this for the woman you are going to marry, your friends, and both families. It would be like sitting there not doing the first dance because you hate dancing...you get off yer butt and make the sacrifice...because there will be many more times you will have to make sacrifices for your wife...so you better start now. As they say happy wife, happy life.

 

Do you speak from experience???, because I do....almost 30 years of it. She's not asking him to go bungee jumping or jump out of a plane, she's hoping he will just spend some time with the close men in his life to share this special coming event. It doesn't have to be strippers, and kegs of beer, but it should be something. it's only ONE night...that's it. If he can't bring himself to do a few hours , then there is more to this than a bachelor party.

 

I knew a very religious man whom had a bachelor party. He simply went into another area while some of the others were entertained by a stripper. Once that was over they gathered together for a nice evening out of respect for him. It didn't stop him from going because he didn't like the stripper being there. They compromised.

 

- I like this. Yes, relationships, friends, and family require work, and sacrifices.

[Wiseman2]

Perhaps she is encouraging this so when she "gets drunk and starts sexting" her lover/"friend" again, she can point fingers at you about the strippers, how she trusted you, even encouraged it, etc. and how her sexting/crying over this "friend" is the same as you having strippers.

 

Don't take the bait. Do what you want. Plan it with your best man and leave her to the bride's responsibilities.

My fiancé has started telling me how she misses this guy she used to be really good friends with. this same guy ended up texting her telling her all the sexual stuff he would like to do to her. she tells me that she can see herself getting drunk and texting or calling him.

[Batya33]

- I like this. Yes, relationships, friends, and family require work, and sacrifices.

 

I agree with this and also wouldn't go down the path of "not asking to bungee jump" -perhaps he is a daredevil who would love to try that and the thought of going to a strip club especially with the best man makes him physically ill. It's like if someone asked me to go on a rollercoaster I would say no (yes even if it was my son -I'd hire an adult to go with him if my husband could not) but if they asked me to make a speech in front of 100 people on almost any topic, I'm there (and I know people for whom this would be a fate worse than ... whatever). I don't like this whole imposing of views/values on others. There's this whole thing about "but we're just asking you to live a little and have fun" and subsumed within that is their own version of what is "fun" which might be very different from the other person.

 

Yes, we all should do our best to get out of our comfort zones for our partners. But IMO not for a party that is supposed to be fun for and celebrate him.

[Nickel Speed]

Perhaps she is encouraging this so when she "gets drunk and starts sexting" her lover/"friend" again, she can point fingers at you about the strippers, how she trusted you, even encouraged it, etc. and how her sexting/crying over this "friend" is the same as you having strippers.

 

Don't take the bait. Do what you want. Plan it with your best man and leave her to the bride's responsibilities.

 

I missed this part in the thread. Definitely sounds like bait. She doesn't sound ready to marry. I'd be cautious.

[Nickel Speed]

 

Yes, we all should do our best to get out of our comfort zones for our partners. But IMO not for a party that is supposed to be fun for and celebrate him.

 

However, it doesn't have to be a party. He doesn't have to get out of his comfort zone. He can do ANYTHING HE LIKES. That is all I'm saying. Everyone is a winner.

[Batya33]

However, it doesn't have to be a party. He doesn't have to get out of his comfort zone. He can do ANYTHING HE LIKES. That is all I'm saying. Everyone is a winner.

 

Yes including choosing to do something on his own he enjoys whether that involves going out or otherwise.

 

I read the original post differently. She was pressuring him to go out with certain people for a night out which would include a stripper. If she suggested to him -with respect for how he likes to have fun - "let me know if you want to do something fun for you before the wedding -- I'm planning on having a [insert her plan for herself] and let me know if you want me to help plan/give suggestions/call the best man". In two weeks I am doing something fun for me -I am going to the theater with a friend for a matinee - I almost never do that anymore, post-child. For me that is fun -I'm really looking forward to it. And if my husband said "for mother's day I'm getting you a mani/pedi/massage day at a spa, ok?" I'd say "wow that's really thoughtful, thank you! and I know that many moms would jump at the chance! It's not really my thing -would you mind if instead I use the $ to buy some books I've been wanting to read and maybe go see a movie alone?" I would not want to hear "but I booked it for you already and told all my friends I was getting you this for mother's day and they were so impressed with me!"

 

It's all about her it seems -not about what he would like -so she is not "compromising" or showing him proper respect.

[Nickel Speed]

Yes including choosing to do something on his own he enjoys whether that involves going out or otherwise.

 

I read the original post differently. She was pressuring him to go out with certain people for a night out which would include a stripper. If she suggested to him -with respect for how he likes to have fun - "let me know if you want to do something fun for you before the wedding -- I'm planning on having a [insert her plan for herself] and let me know if you want me to help plan/give suggestions/call the best man". In two weeks I am doing something fun for me -I am going to the theater with a friend for a matinee - I almost never do that anymore, post-child. For me that is fun -I'm really looking forward to it. And if my husband said "for mother's day I'm getting you a mani/pedi/massage day at a spa, ok?" I'd say "wow that's really thoughtful, thank you! and I know that many moms would jump at the chance! It's not really my thing -would you mind if instead I use the $ to buy some books I've been wanting to read and maybe go see a movie alone?" I would not want to hear "but I booked it for you already and told all my friends I was getting you this for mother's day and they were so impressed with me!"

 

It's all about her it seems -not about what he would like -so she is not "compromising" or showing him proper respect.

 

I read it differently as well. He is the one who brought up strippers. He never said she was pressuring him to have strippers. I took it as the best man was the one pushing for strippers.

 

If I was him, I'd go do something I enjoyed. (Example: I went through a long rope obstacle course with friends.)

 

If that wasn't enough for her, then we would be having a serious discussion. So I guess we don't have enough details.

[Batya33]

I read it differently as well. He is the one who brought up strippers. He never said she was pressuring him to have strippers. I took it as the best man was the one pushing for strippers.

 

If I was him, I'd go do something I enjoyed. (Example: I went through a long rope obstacle course with friends.)

 

If that wasn't enough for her, then we would be having a serious discussion. So I guess we don't have enough details.

 

Yes, and if he prefers to wait to do that until after the wedding - maybe he would like to have a little staycation of his own post-honeymoon, that's cool too. Whether he wants to do a rope obstacle or practice knot tying in his room -whatever floats his boat.

[smackie9]

WHo is the bachelor party for then?? That sounds very selfish of the groomsmen to throw something like that. That's quite disgraceful if they planned something that excluded the groom to be. They should have gone to a strip club on their own time if that's what they so desired.

 

Honestly, the point of the bachelor party is to spend time with the groom to be and do things they think that he would enjoy

 

The groom was asked in advanced, and wasn't forced. He was quiet satisfied with the arrangement. I think his religious beliefs played a lot in his decision. He wanted everyone to be happy and have a good time too...he was just that type of guy, that didn't hold peoples ideals against them. He was very OK with it. He wasn't standing alone in another room, there were a few others that had no interest in the stripper. plus it was only 15 mins and it was over.

[smackie9]

The OP needs to step in here and give us a shout on the situation. Is this not the weekend the party is supposed to happen?

What the other posted suggested in one of my posts....maybe have some of the guys go off to a strip club for a bit, then meet up later at a steakhouse for dinner and drinks.

[catfeeder]

If you’re mature enough for marriage, then you’re mature enough to handle the responsibility of making your desires clear to the people in your life. Stop viewing yourself as being parented by others and step up to the adult plate. Tell all you won’t be traveling to meet for any pre-wedding stuff, but they are all welcome to enjoy any gatherings themselves, and you look forward to seeing them at the wedding.

[turnerik]

Update:

 

I sent a text to my best man and the other friend planning it, basically saying do not bother. I don’t want any stress for travel and time off. Both guys were understanding. My fiancée was a little perturbed but in the end said it is my choice. She just doesn’t understand it.

 

I told my best man that we should all go out fishing the morning of the rehearsal dinner since we will all be together then!

[SherrySher]

Seems really odd that your fiancee cares this much.

 

I wonder if she was trying to test you.