My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

[itsallgrand]

Lol You created quite the image there, FIO.

[Afireblue]

You will not hear what you want to hear

 

By crossing that boundary into his privacy you have shown that YOU can't trust him, and you can't be trusted.

 

If you tell him he will never trust you.

 

If you don't, you will keep wondering who she is, why he didn't mention you to her, etc.

 

This is your own doing, and maybe in time if he truly loves you he would have told her about you, who knows. I think your relationship is doomed, sorry, not trying to be harsh, just realistic.

 

Before you go into another relationship, maybe you should work on yourself and your trust issues so you don't ruin your own chances at happiness. All the best to you

[Afireblue]

Bingo.

 

Even if you found videos of him bending a hooker over a table full of coke you STILL broke a huge boundary.

 

This is gold!

[ThatwasThen]

Well we did not really moved in together. I still do have my place and I didn't even bring more than clothes for like 3 days to his place. And no, I did not leave my job, I am commuting to the city I work in. Well, I know he did not cut her off completely, but I have seen that he is no initiating any conversations with her and he also did not txt her anything flirty or even close to that. What I don't know is, if it will stay there or if it will once again change....

He's only known you for three months. That's not even enough time to meet his friends or all of his family. She sounds like she's a flirty friend and your b/f hasn't said anything that could be considered out of place since he's been with you so why in all that is good are you trying to self-sabotage your relationship with him? Your insecurity led you to seek out dirt on him when he's clearly not shown you any suspect behaviour so you'd do well to work on why you are so skittish before you ruin what you have (had?) with him.

 

Perhaps when he gets to know you past the do-it-like-bunnies stage he'll tell you about her and where he met her and what their relationship actually is. He seems to be distancing himself from her so kick yourself in the arse for snooping then smack yourself upside the head (not literally :o)) for jumping to every negative conclusion you can think of and then take yourself back to a time before you snooped and enjoy your relationship the way you were before you temporarily lost your good sense and you snooped.

 

P.S. Do Not move in with a man you do not even know... If you're looking for honest opinions, moving in with a stranger well that's just crazy and quite irresponsible.

[What87]

Yes, you are right, I don't know how I expected him to tell me about her... There was one occasion where we talked about friendship between men and women and what is his and mine opinion about it. I said to him it would bother me if I knew my boyfriend has a close emotional bond with some other woman, as from my experience, one or the other is always interested in something more than just a friendship. He asked me ''even if they known each other for years and were not attracted to each other?'' to which I said, yes, even then..because even if sex was not involved, it would still bug me that my SO is close to some woman. I think, now when I look back, he might have been referring to her, but after what I said he would not bring her up. Plus, well, there definitely was an attraction between them, that was clear from the correspondence.. I don't know,i guess the reason it bothers me is, that he told me when we met, that he is not very social, bit introverted and that he does not need many people or ''best friends'' and that he always wanted to have a girlfriend who would be his best friend, travel buddy, sex buddy and everything else. So if he is looking for that and let's say finds it, why to have someone as that girl on the side? He even said to me in some other conversation, ''why to bring a third person into a relationship and make it more complicated than relationships already are?'' (this was mostly referred to a child, as we both don't want any, but anyways) But I thought when someone thinks this way, then why would have a third person - woman in a relationship? And yes ok, so far it does not look like he is pursuing it with her further - true. But he was in a relationship before ... and now I am not sure if the time comes again and he turns to her again or finds himself a new ''work wife'' in his recent job..

[What87]

Well I guess he hasn't told me because he didn't want me to go crazy over it, obviously...but there were conversations between us where he could have told me..if the thing with her was closed for him, he could have mentioned her...

[What87]

Well, in a way he is hiding her, because I remember when we were still on vacation, we had breakfast on the beach and he made a picture to which I asked what for as I made the same ones before many times. He said '#sending it to my mom'' and I know he already sent her very similar ones at the very beginning of the vacation. And then as I said, he sent the picture to that girl with the greetings..so he could have said he is sending it to a friend instead of mom... don't you think? And you are right again - I have no right confronting him whatsoever, I would look like a nut (which yes, I am for doing all this!!) and he would have a right to break up with me ...

[What87]

yes, that is in a way right - they would have been together. But there is obviously something they can't let go of, since the flirts continued for years, no matter who was in what relationship or between etc..their relationship survived it all, and I am asking myself- WHY?? What is there they can't find in a person they are with? And how can you be in a relationship with someone if you NEED to have this kind of bond with someone else...

 

And yes, I do have unresolved issues. And yes, I know I am sabotaging my relationship like this. To be honest, I was thinking about counseling and finding out where is this all coming from and why my relationships always turn toxic. And it is not ALWAYS me..I did trust before, however my problem might be that I pick the wrong people...one notorious cheater who cheated on his GF before me (and me naive thinking with me it would be different) and another immature guy who just could not resist the temptation when the opportunity came, later telling me ''well, I haven't yet had such a strong feelings for you when I did it..'' So I don't necessarily think that I was always the problem, except well, picking the wrong people for myself..

[What87]

I would think as well..but as I said on another comment, there is something that keeps them coming back to each other..and that's dangerous for any relationship they might have with someone else..as i guess every woman or man would pick up on that at some point..and I can't imagine anybody being ok with that kind of bond of their SO...

[What87]

I know..and I sure hope, if we stay together, that he won't see her at all...

[What87]

no, it is not how I usually operate.. I lived with 2 men before and none of those happened this fast. PLus, I am not literally living there - as I specified in another comment - I have my own place and not considering getting rid of it anytime soon, and I do not have my stuff at his place other than clothes for couple of days. We are doing it only because we live 100 km apart and he works 24 hour shifts 2x a week (even weekends) and we barely managed to do one activity together (we do quite a lot of sport) and maintain normal sex life etc etc, as we both dropped dead into bed after 2 hours together...that was the only reason why this ''living together'' has been brought up. If we lived in the same city, it would definitely not be on the table this soon.

 

Anyway, where you are right is that I do have issues with trust..and that was one of the reasons why I was not even looking for a relationship at all since my last break up over a year ago. And then he came..he was the one who said we were a couple after little more then a week of seeing each other..and I could not say no, not to him...and now I am in hell. And I am totally helpless , because I know I ed up and I don't know what to do

[RayofLighten]

Well I guess he hasn't told me because he didn't want me to go crazy over it, obviously...but there were conversations between us where he could have told me..if the thing with her was closed for him, he could have mentioned her...

 

If there was nothing in it then he would tell you about her. But he hasn't, and he lied to you about who he was sending the picture to. Your snooping has already made you crazy over it. If he thinks that he is protecting you by not telling you then he know's what he is doing is inappropriate.

[What87]

i like your comments! Thank you!

 

I have a question - why do you think he keeps her for so many years? I mean, I can't imagine I would have thins kind of ''relationship'' wit anybody for so long...it is just strange and it does seem unfair to any other relationships they both have with other people, don't you think? Because to me it does look like a threat.

[What87]

so basically people can do whatever behind each others back, that's ok..but once someone checks upon someone, it deserves a death penalty according to you. Now I am not saying I am justifying anything here, I did wrong. But hell I think if someone was ''banging a hooker'' as you said is not worse and should stay hidden , because what eyes don't see, won't hurt the heart, right?

[What87]

I know, that's right - he hasn't said anything wrong to her. But I still can't help the feeling that if he keeps her ''on the side'' for so many years, it must mean something.. How would you feel if you knew your SO has a person for years who is there anytime he would feel like he is missing something. Would you not feel threatened?

 

P.S.: I did not actually moved in. I do have my place which I am keeping and did not bring my stuff to his place either. I am staying there or he at my place on the days when he does not have his 24 hour shifts , only because we could not manage almost no activities together (the distance and the shifts which include also weekends)

[What87]

what would you do if you found something like that out? Now let's say in a different way than I did, not by snooping. What would you do? Would you accept that?

[boltnrun]

But you did find it out by snooping. You can't go back and undo what you did.

 

So you either torture yourself until you badger him (without disclosing your snooping which means he'll be blindsided ) into breaking up with you or you tell him you snooped and demand he reassure you that he won't communicate with this woman. Or you try to pretend you didn't snoop.and didn't see and it will eventually drive you nuts.

 

I do have to wonder what made you decide to sabotage this relationship. Are you afraid you would eventually lose him so you decided to just kill it now? Do you think he's "too good" for you and he'd end up breaking up with you anyway at some point?

[What87]

But you did find it out by snooping. You can't go back and undo what you did.

 

So you either torture yourself until you badger him (without disclosing your snooping which means he'll be blindsided ) into breaking up with you or you tell him you snooped and demand he reassure you that he won't communicate with this woman. Or you try to pretend you didn't snoop.and didn't see and it will eventually drive you nuts.

 

I do have to wonder what made you decide to sabotage this relationship. Are you afraid you would eventually lose him so you decided to just kill it now? Do you think he's "too good" for you and he'd end up breaking up with you anyway at some point?

 

Wow...I could not summarize it better. This is exactly it. I just could not believe something can be actually so good. It was simply all too good to be true..And rather than waiting for something to come and kill me later (because exactly that happened to me before when I least expected it), I tried to find it now... But still not sure what I actually found and how did it really helped....

[j.man]

so basically people can do whatever behind each others back, that's ok..but once someone checks upon someone, it deserves a death penalty according to you. Now I am not saying I am justifying anything here, I did wrong. But hell I think if someone was ''banging a hooker'' as you said is not worse and should stay hidden , because what eyes don't see, won't hurt the heart, right?

It's not about it deserving the death penalty. Weighing sins isn't a habit folks should get into, but there is a very basic and pretty common sense reference level we can work with. Fact is you invaded his privacy to find nothing incriminating about his behavior since he's been serious with you. If you're going to invade someone's privacy, you'd best "hope" you find something worse than the act you're committing. Otherwise, you've kinda just done a really crappy thing simply for the sake of it.

 

What's even more disturbing is that it's not like you two have been married for years to each other with a house and kids under your belt, and you've got reason-based suspicions you wanted to confirm before flipping an entire family's lives on their heads. You've literally only been dating a few months, and apparently this is just something you do. That's not how it works.

[What87]

yes, correct. Except of the last point. It is not what I do. It is not or it wasn't my habit in my previous relationships. Check my answer to boltnrun...he or she got it perfectly.

[figureitout23]

so basically people can do whatever behind each others back, that's ok..but once someone checks upon someone, it deserves a death penalty according to you. Now I am not saying I am justifying anything here, I did wrong. But hell I think if someone was ''banging a hooker'' as you said is not worse and should stay hidden , because what eyes don't see, won't hurt the heart, right?

 

Just a heads up, unless you click reply with a quote we don’t know who you’re responding to. I only know this ones for me because of the hooker reference.

 

So to respond:

 

Remember how I pointed out you keep saying “yeah I know I was wrong buuuut “ and how you don’t truly think you’re wrong or you wouldn’t be saying but, adding but is essentially negating everything you’re saying before the but.

 

Your subsequent responses where you are in a tizzy over what these texts could potentially mean in the future show you’re more mad at what he MIGHT do than the trust you broke.

 

He hasn’t broke your trust yet, you have.

 

Let me repeat.

 

He hasn’t broke your trust yet, you have.

 

So no it truly doesn’t matter what you found, you decided to enter this relationship with so much baggage you can barely walk and proceed to make your current boyfriend pay for the sins of your exes while also creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

I’ve never seen someone so desperate to find an issue. Go back you responded like 7 times with well what if but he could... well he can’t...

 

If you don’t believe in your heart of hearts you are enough for this man and if you believe catching him will somehow stop it, you have been through one too many cheating relationships, one too many relationships where boundaries didn’t matter because these cheating relationships it’s like a cat and mouse game. There’s no respect, the relationship has deteriorated in cheating and getting caught cheating and that’s what you’re trying to make this relationship into, I’d guess because you feel safe doing this.

 

You’re ruining your relationship though.

 

So in the grand scheme of things hooker on a table of coke and you snooping for no reason to create the dysfunctional relationship you’re most comfortable in yeah yours is worse sister.

[LC8328]

I live for j.man's posts. Just wanted to say that.

 

Hi, OP. Let's talk about this, starting from a different angle, because there's a lot going on here.

 

First, work wives and work husbands. It's not as intimate as it may sound. It's literally when you get along with someone at work and you are friends. It makes the day go by faster when you're working 40+ hours a week. A friendly face, a friendly smile helps in a big way.

 

Granted, yes your BF and this girl text so it's not just talking at work. BUT I need to point out that their texts conversations -at least what you have told us about -appear to be her talking and him merely responding. I think he is being friendly but not encouraging anything further than the banter they already have.

 

It looks like you may be mistaking this friendship as an affair in the making. It doesn't look that way to me. Look, when people flirt at work, *most* of the time, it means nothing, like I said, something to get you through the day. More often than not, that person you flirt with at work? Not someone you would normally pick to date in the *real* world. Work isn't the real world, so to speak. It's a place you have to attend so you can pay bills and have food and shelter.

 

Now the fact that they have been friends for several years makes it seem more platonic to me. Oftentimes when you're friends with someone this long, you don't want to ruin that good friendship so you don't cross that line. (I know because long ago I got interested in a longtime friend and he rejected me for that very reason.) Now granted she could want much more from him. And if he wanted that from her, he would be having an affair with her already, and you wouldn't be seeing those flirty texts. Instead you would be seeing signs he's cheating on you. Which you haven't.

 

As someone else said, if you guys had been married or together for a few years, it might be a *bit* different. But that is not the case here (if I remember correctly).

 

Next, we gotta talk about the pink elephant in the room. We just gotta, because this is something that might help you in the future. You gave into temptation and snooped on his phone. Because you did this...you are worrying yourself and drawing conclusions without the benefit of getting his perspective on it, simply because you *can't* talk to him about it. This is why trust is important. Maybe he would have mentioned her in the future. Maybe you would even have met her. There's no way to know and to be frank, it's unfair to him that you're questioning or possibly judging his character, as well as going so far as to think of what he *might* do with her, when you do NOT have all the facts. Never mind what you found, you definitely do not have all the pertinent information about this woman or their friendship. That's why you posted here because there is still some degree of uncertainty.

 

When you learn to trust your significant other...truth unfolds the way it's meant to. You learn to have discussions that are mutually respectful as well as insightful. Since you learned about this flirting in an unsavory manner, you're stuck. I'm not trying to bully you, just trying to be real, but honestly, is his friendship with this girl as deceitful or as hurtful as you snooping into his phone, and then drawing conclusions about him without his knowledge? I know some advised you not to tell him that you snooped, but if you feel that he should have told you about his flirting with this girl, I believe that even more so you should tell him you snooped, because that directly violates his trust and he deserves to know that.

 

But eh, that's just one piece of advice from one random stranger on an online forum. Good luck though. I really do hope it works out.

 

~LC

[boltnrun]

Wow...I could not summarize it better. This is exactly it. I just could not believe something can be actually so good. It was simply all too good to be true..And rather than waiting for something to come and kill me later (because exactly that happened to me before when I least expected it), I tried to find it now... But still not sure what I actually found and how did it really helped....

 

It didn't "help".

 

You have two choices: choose honesty and confess what you did and deal with the consequences, or conceal what you did and maybe the stress of wondering if he's secretly got the hots for this other woman and if they have some kind of under wraps sexy relationship won't drive you nuts.

 

Which option do you think you'll choose?

[What87]

I live for j.man's posts. Just wanted to say that.

 

Hi, OP. Let's talk about this, starting from a different angle, because there's a lot going on here.

 

First, work wives and work husbands. It's not as intimate as it may sound. It's literally when you get along with someone at work and you are friends. It makes the day go by faster when you're working 40+ hours a week. A friendly face, a friendly smile helps in a big way.

 

Granted, yes your BF and this girl text so it's not just talking at work. BUT I need to point out that their texts conversations -at least what you have told us about -appear to be her talking and him merely responding. I think he is being friendly but not encouraging anything further than the banter they already have.

 

It looks like you may be mistaking this friendship as an affair in the making. It doesn't look that way to me. Look, when people flirt at work, *most* of the time, it means nothing, like I said, something to get you through the day. More often than not, that person you flirt with at work? Not someone you would normally pick to date in the *real* world. Work isn't the real world, so to speak. It's a place you have to attend so you can pay bills and have food and shelter.

 

Now the fact that they have been friends for several years makes it seem more platonic to me. Oftentimes when you're friends with someone this long, you don't want to ruin that good friendship so you don't cross that line. (I know because long ago I got interested in a longtime friend and he rejected me for that very reason.) Now granted she could want much more from him. And if he wanted that from her, he would be having an affair with her already, and you wouldn't be seeing those flirty texts. Instead you would be seeing signs he's cheating on you. Which you haven't.

 

As someone else said, if you guys had been married or together for a few years, it might be a *bit* different. But that is not the case here (if I remember correctly).

 

Next, we gotta talk about the pink elephant in the room. We just gotta, because this is something that might help you in the future. You gave into temptation and snooped on his phone. Because you did this...you are worrying yourself and drawing conclusions without the benefit of getting his perspective on it, simply because you *can't* talk to him about it. This is why trust is important. Maybe he would have mentioned her in the future. Maybe you would even have met her. There's no way to know and to be frank, it's unfair to him that you're questioning or possibly judging his character, as well as going so far as to think of what he *might* do with her, when you do NOT have all the facts. Never mind what you found, you definitely do not have all the pertinent information about this woman or their friendship. That's why you posted here because there is still some degree of uncertainty.

 

When you learn to trust your significant other...truth unfolds the way it's meant to. You learn to have discussions that are mutually respectful as well as insightful. Since you learned about this flirting in an unsavory manner, you're stuck. I'm not trying to bully you, just trying to be real, but honestly, is his friendship with this girl as deceitful or as hurtful as you snooping into his phone, and then drawing conclusions about him without his knowledge? I know some advised you not to tell him that you snooped, but if you feel that he should have told you about his flirting with this girl, I believe that even more so you should tell him you snooped, because that directly violates his trust and he deserves to know that.

 

But eh, that's just one piece of advice from one random stranger on an online forum. Good luck though. I really do hope it works out.

 

~LC

 

LC - First, let me tell you that I really appreciate your comment. It was extremely helpful and it definitely gave me a different perspective.

 

Well, it did seem intimate enough to me, I mean the conversations before we met.. Especially those selfies she was sending him (those were definitely not innocent..she was not standing next to a statue on the trip..she made him pictures in the bathroom with duck face and once sent him legs etc.. ) and he actually sent her some pictures as well, not that kind but still.. Plus the jokes of ''warm the bed up for us'' and ''oh, you have a new man again'' with a furious smiley, and lot's of other very flirty conversations..I mean...that is not just a good buddy at work, don't you think? But you are right, for now it does not seem like is contacting her first or even being all hot to flirt with her..that is true. But those f**ing ''What IFs'' that just won't let me sleep..

 

But again, you are completely right - I do not have all the facts. I don't. And I never will. From today's event I know he would never tell me about her. SO what happened today:

 

In the morning we talked about something and he said '' I wonder how other couples where both are doctors manage their relationship, as even just with me having these shifts makes things complicated for us (not having enough time for anything)'' To which I said I don't know either, and I told him that I heard a while back that people with these kinds of professions sometimes have some ''thing'' at work, something aside, which was referred to as ''work marriages''. I asked him if he ever had such a thing at work or anything similar, not necessarily sexual and he point blank lied to me saying ''no, never, and I don't even want to''. Now please, tell me, if it is so innocent with her, why would he not admit that he in fact did have it? He could have said it was a long time ago or whatever, but ''no, never'' is just straight up lie. From this I know he is not ever gonna tell me about it, also that he does not feel like he could tell me stuff like that (which itself is bothering) and also that he can and will lie to me about things he knows could ''get him into trouble'' .

 

So I really have to think here, because yes, I did violate his trust. It should not have happened. He should know about. And - he lied. Even when gotten a chance to tell the truth. So he is not that innocent either.

[RayofLighten]

i like your comments! Thank you!

 

I have a question - why do you think he keeps her for so many years? I mean, I can't imagine I would have thins kind of ''relationship'' wit anybody for so long...it is just strange and it does seem unfair to any other relationships they both have with other people, don't you think? Because to me it does look like a threat.

 

I'm assuming he likes the attention he gets from her. He enjoys that kind of banter. Honestly though, if i found out that my husband was talking to another woman like that i would be furious, and would feel betrayed.