My boyfriends ''ex'' (?) crush/friend. How to deal with it?

[What87]

I'm assuming he likes the attention he gets from her. He enjoys that kind of banter. Honestly though, if i found out that my husband was talking to another woman like that i would be furious, and would feel betrayed.

 

The truth is, he did not talk to her that way since we got together. But he did lie to me today when I asked if he ever had some fling or any kind of relationship at work. He said ''no, never and I don't want to''. That is really bothering me because there was no reason lying about it...

[IAmFCA]

From this I know he is not ever gonna tell me about it, also that he does not feel like he could tell me stuff like that (which itself is bothering) and also that he can and will lie to me about things he knows could ''get him into trouble'' .

 

So I really have to think here, because yes, I did violate his trust. It should not have happened. He should know about. And - he lied. Even when gotten a chance to tell the truth. So he is not that innocent either.

 

Sounds to me like you both share this trait.

[j.man]

So I really have to think here, because yes, I did violate his trust. It should not have happened. He should know about. And - he lied. Even when gotten a chance to tell the truth. So he is not that innocent either.

Yeah, here's the difference, lady. Even assuming he is lying, you're trying to put him in a position to defend himself while ducking your own fault and responsibility in invading his privacy, being cute with these little topic segues rather than honest about how you came about the issue initially. It's unfair and it's manipulative. If you're going to talk about it, then do so plainly and in full disclosure. If you want to get over it, then get over it. But don't dig a hole for yourself only to put him in it instead. That's not how you treat people. You swung. You missed. Be an adult about it. Accept responsibility, learn your lesson, apply it, and move on-- whether that's with or without him.

 

And for the record, I still don't think he's lying. You're just making it weird describing it as a "thing," which carries a million and one connotations he's free to interpret and deny. And even if he were lying, it'd most likely be as a service to you as it's obviously not a conversation you want to hear. I'm sure he knows enough women to understand"Sure, let's have a conversation about a work buddy i used to flirt with" generally doesn't leave a girlfriend feeling particularly good. Once again, he's entitled to a past and to his privacy. He doesn't have to share with you information on who he's dated, much less a colleague he's flirted with.

[boltnrun]

It didn't "help".

 

You have two choices: choose honesty and confess what you did and deal with the consequences, or conceal what you did and maybe the stress of wondering if he's secretly got the hots for this other woman and if they have some kind of under wraps sexy relationship won't drive you nuts.

 

Which option do you think you'll choose?

 

Quoting myself because you ignored it.

 

And nice how you're trying to accuse him of shadiness while sidestepping your own. Do you think this is how successful relationships are conducted?

[What87]

Quoting myself because you ignored it.

 

And nice how you're trying to accuse him of shadiness while sidestepping your own. Do you think this is how successful relationships are conducted?

 

I am sorry, did not ignore it, just omitted it as it jumped to other page and then forgot to respond.

 

I dont know which option I will eventually choose. None of them I like, obviously.

And I am not sidstepping anything. You think I am proud of what I am doing? It bothers me endlessly. Especially because I did not doubt him before and then my stupidity led me to check on him, because well, it must be something wrong with him, it can't be this good, right? It always was the case and I ended up totally broken to pieces. And what am I doing now? Looking for anything to prove that this one is no other.. and I just realized how ed up that is.

[boltnrun]

Having these fishing expedition conversations with him trying to "catch" him lying or leaving out information you got illicitly without owning up to your own actions TO HIM is sidestepping.

 

Do you love him? If so, is this how you usually treat someone you care about?

 

If not, own up to what you did! Him not revealing the so called "work wife" is worse than you snooping and not admitting to doing so in your opinion?

[What87]

Having these fishing expedition conversations with him trying to "catch" him lying or leaving out information you got illicitly without owning up to your own actions TO HIM is sidestepping.

 

Do you love him? If so, is this how you usually treat someone you care about?

 

If not, own up to what you did! Him not revealing the so called "work wife" is worse than you snooping and not admitting to doing so in your opinion?

 

I do love him, yes. I would not be doing this if I didn't. I mean, I wouldn't care what he does or with whom he does it. No, I do not treat people I care about this way. The truth is I am f**cked up by my previous relationships. It is true. And now I can't believe there might be someone who actually is different.

 

And if that is worse? Well, I wouldn't say worse per se, but definitely not better..

[What87]

Yeah, here's the difference, lady. Even assuming he is lying, you're trying to put him in a position to defend himself while ducking your own fault and responsibility in invading his privacy, being cute with these little topic segues rather than honest about how you came about the issue initially. It's unfair and it's manipulative. If you're going to talk about it, then do so plainly and in full disclosure. If you want to get over it, then get over it. But don't dig a hole for yourself only to put him in it instead. That's not how you treat people. You swung. You missed. Be an adult about it. Accept responsibility, learn your lesson, apply it, and move on-- whether that's with or without him.

 

And for the record, I still don't think he's lying. You're just making it weird describing it as a "thing," which carries a million and one connotations he's free to interpret and deny. And even if he were lying, it'd most likely be as a service to you as it's obviously not a conversation you want to hear. I'm sure he knows enough women to understand"Sure, let's have a conversation about a work buddy i used to flirt with" generally doesn't leave a girlfriend feeling particularly good. Once again, he's entitled to a past and to his privacy. He doesn't have to share with you information on who he's dated, much less a colleague he's flirted with.

 

I know..I think I just can't stand the thought of being hurt and lied to again. I know you probably can't understand it - but it happened to me basically with every men I was with. And NO, I did not snoop around on them to find anything. I trusted actually. There were times when I did. But when 4 people you trust f**ck you over no matter what you do and how good things go, then you just lose hope I guess. and it always hit me so unexpectedly, I was not prepared and now I just totally broke and did this.

[boltnrun]

You keep asking him these allegedly hypothetical questions and you will drive him away because you will come across as jealous, suspicious and untrusting. Which you are.

 

Maybe you want to drive him away. You seem way too comfortable with conflict, anxiety and drama. He doesn't provide any of that so you invent it. If he's at all an emotionally healthy individual he won't accept this mistreatment. Bingo, he leaves and you get to lament your bad luck with men yet again.

[Honeycomb8]

It's his privacy and you've violated it. If it's only at 3 months I would dump you.

[ThatwasThen]

The bottom line here is that YOU DO NOT TRUST HIM. Either learn to trust that he won't cheat on you or, talk to him about what you found and get it settled and take the crap he'll give you for being so mistrustful and invading his privacy or leave him and find someone who does not have female friends and/or ex's that they still keep in touch with.

 

You doing all of this paranoia and mistrusting and insecurity isn't good for your emotional health so put an end to it one way or the other. You've already ruined the emotional connection you had with him anyway.