Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

[Batya33]

I was referring to psychological research, not to Facebook publications. Humans are subject to life cycles like all beings.

 

I'm sure you are - so was I - and Facebook is used to proliferate it. What you quote doesn't refer to the trendy catch phrase or to any definitive time of "first life crisis" and I agree with the generality that there are cycles of life -of course, that's obvious and I don't think it's relevant to the dating experience she had with this person or to the recent pattern of her choices that she described. I disagree that there is a 28-30 "first life crisis" of any import or that applies in any broad way.

[Batya33]

"I’m afraid I’m going to keep being sad after all of this and I realistically don’t know how much more crying I can take. I feel so utterly ridiculous, even more so because I know what ultimately needs to be done and I’m too scared to pull the trigger so to speak."

 

I'm confused -why is there any trigger to pull -can't you just tell him if he asks you out again that you're not interested in continuing to see him? Nothing to communicate -keep it short, direct and polite. Crying is ok too -you feel what you feel and maybe give yourself 5-10 minutes/day for a pity party and do the crying then - and then feel what you feel and choose tools/distractions that work for you to keep it real but keep the intense emotions on the periphery more. My son recently found out that when he's really angry/frustrated/in tears, pretending to make a "farting sound" helps distract him lol. Obviously not ok to do outside the house but you know, whatever works. You will be ok. Feel better!

[akrngrl]

"I’m afraid I’m going to keep being sad after all of this and I realistically don’t know how much more crying I can take. I feel so utterly ridiculous, even more so because I know what ultimately needs to be done and I’m too scared to pull the trigger so to speak."

 

I'm confused -why is there any trigger to pull -can't you just tell him if he asks you out again that you're not interested in continuing to see him? Nothing to communicate -keep it short, direct and polite. Crying is ok too -you feel what you feel and maybe give yourself 5-10 minutes/day for a pity party and do the crying then - and then feel what you feel and choose tools/distractions that work for you to keep it real but keep the intense emotions on the periphery more. My son recently found out that when he's really angry/frustrated/in tears, pretending to make a "farting sound" helps distract him lol. Obviously not ok to do outside the house but you know, whatever works. You will be ok. Feel better!

 

Haha I like that idea your son has! [emoji23]. The trigger I meant was getting up the nerve to type or say that. For whatever reason it’s hard for me to fathom doing right now in spite of knowing that’s what needs to be done.

 

We also already have plans for this weekend. So I feel like it’s on me so to speak to reach out and cancel, but like I said our lack of texting is deafening. We never did it much but he was always timely to reach out. This is just me overthinking and being anxious about the next few days, I’m sure it will all work out and some opportunity will arise, but sitting in these fears and waiting for it is what I have a hard time doing.

 

Also I’m mad that this isn’t easy for me. I’m not oblivious to the writing on the wall and I see things as clearly as everyone does and yet here I am afraid of goodbye. For what? He’s not serving me anymore, I’m not happy, and for Pete’s sake if I’m not over the not sleeping and the uncertainty and all the hoolpah that comes with it.

 

I remember I wrote here that he calmed my anxiety at one point. I remember how safe that felt. I know that in comparison now I feel like I’ve been thrown into a pack of wolves covered in deli meat.

 

Why am I afraid? Why if we didn’t already have plans and he asked to see me would I be scared to decline? Those are more rhetorical questions lol. The only thing I can keep thinking about myself is how asinine I sound and how stupid these feelings are.

 

I feel like I’m stuck in a maze where I can see the stupid exit and I just can’t physically get through the path to get there.

[reinventmyself]

ETA again: not uncertainty about the situation itself but how to go about communicating my thoughts and feelings and getting that distance/to the end. Good gosh I’m bad and typing right now.

 

ouch. . This slow death is painful to read. Why on earth are you waiting to see what his next, next and next move is? Still, after all of this you are allowing him to drive this bus and you are a passive passenger.

 

The writing is on the wall. So how about you start pulling yourself up here and now and have the courage to call it. He'd probably respect you for it. Mostly, you'd respect yourself for saying "no-more, thank you very much. I deserve better"

 

No more mixed messages, no to the lies, no to online shopping when you are not in his bed and no to him saying just enough to keep you hooked and then pulling away far enough to trigger your abandonment.

 

Just say `enough.'

This is where you begin to pull yourself out of this and learn some lessons.

 

How about this ~"I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand struggle with being intimate with someone and not becoming attached. This isn't something that's going to change and it's a value I really like about myself. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. So much so, I am going to bow out of this now while things are still good and wish you well'

 

At the same time don't be so hard on yourself. You were brave to put yourself out there and challenged yourself to do something different. I have done the same and my take-away is I now honor myself, first and foremost and I don't get this involved with someone without a clear defined understanding.

 

Self esteem comes from acting in your own best interest. Start now.

[Batya33]

You don't have to know why you're afraid to take the action. You can take the action in spite of feeling afraid. I was terrified to go out and interview for jobs again after 7 years out of the workplace and not having interviewed with any real intensity in many years. Instead of contemplating my navel as to "why" I was so afraid of getting back out there I just took action -I made the appointments, showed up, etc.

 

Of course you can physically do it and the only maze is self-created. It's not some dramatic trigger. You take a deep breath or five, you call him (or e-mail I guess or text -I would call though) and you say in as few words as possible with no back story or apology "Sorry but I cannot make it this weekend. I've given this a lot of thought and I don't think it's a good idea for us to keep seeing each other. I wish you well." I don't care if you have to fake it till you make it and if you want to indulge in the "why am I so scared" do it after it's a done deal. Lots of us are scared of making a choice - as the band Rush sang in one of their songs "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" -right now you are choosing to remain in limbo, choosing to describe this as some kind of complicated maze that requires thinking about all your past relationships, etc. Don't overdramatize it as a "trigger" - you realize this guy isn't healthful for you or a good match and so it's time to move on. You do owe him a call so he can make other plans this weekend, I agree.

[akrngrl]

ouch. . This slow death is painful to read. Why on earth are you waiting to see what his next, next and next move is? Still after all of this you are allowing him to drive this bus.

 

The writing is on the wall. So how about you start pulling yourself up here and now and have the courage to call it. He'd probably respect you for it. Mostly, you'd respect yourself for saying no-more, thank you very much.

 

No more mixed messages, no to the lies, no to online shopping when you are not in his bed and no to him saying just enough to keep you hooked and then pulling away far enough to trigger your abandonment.

 

Just say enough.

This is where you begin to pull yourself out of this and learn some lessons.

 

How about this ~ ~I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand struggle with being intimate with someone and not becoming attached. This isn't something that's going to change and it's a value I like about myself. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. So much so, I going to bow out of this now while things are still good and wish you well'

 

At the same time don't be so hard on yourself. You were brave to put yourself out there and challenged yourself to do something different. I have done the same and my take-away is I now honor myself, first and foremost and I don't get this involved with someone without a clear defined understanding.

 

The slow death is painful to go through too lol. Not really about his next moves though, just anxious about when the opportunity to gracefully end it comes up. Hard to do if you’re not talking all that much and the idea of a text still makes me cringe after anything more than a month, but I can appreciate it likely needs to be done that way.

 

All of my past experiences have gone like Bat mentioned-they ask me out I decline and say so long. I promise though, everything you’re saying is what I’m thinking and I’m asking myself why the heck I can’t put on my big girl pants and do the dang thing.

 

Because I’m an annoying pain in the rear can I tweak your suggestion and get advice?

 

—I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand realize I would need more than our current arrangement has been lately to feel satisfied especially given the impending distance. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. I think you’re an amazing person and want the best for you and me so I need to take a step back while things are still good between us.

 

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

Here’s me over analyzing:

 

1) do I just send this out of nowhere? Since we haven’t been talking.

2) we agreed to let each other know if we wanted to be back on the dating sites, this communicates that enough right?

 

Thank you, it’s hard not to be hard on myself. This wasn’t how I did things normally and I saw all these other people not worrying and finding their significant others and I thought maybeeee I’m putting too much pressure. Dumb dumb dumb of me.

[reinventmyself]

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

His `I am emotionally stunted' is possibly true, but it's mostly him asking you to treat him like he has a handicap or something. That's what therapy is for and why is he dating then? It's a perfect tool to keep you at arms length. If he was crazy about you, he would not risk losing you. He isn't going to fall in love with you in your absence.

 

Besides, he lied to you, right? Did you forget that?

 

1) do I just send this out of nowhere? Since we haven’t been talking. Absolutely. What exactly are you waiting for? Text him, pick up the phone, begin with `I've been giving this some thought' (because that's what a confident woman would do)

 

2) we agreed to let each other know if we wanted to be back on the dating sites, this communicates that enough right?

[figureitout23]

ETA: not hearing from him doesn’t scare me, just being in this state of uncertainty. I just wanted to clarify lol. I’m all over the place.

 

ETA again: not uncertainty about the situation itself but how to go about communicating my thoughts and feelings and getting that distance/to the end. Good gosh I’m bad and typing right now.

 

 

—I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand realize I would need more than our current arrangement has been lately to feel satisfied especially given the impending distance. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. I think you’re an amazing person and want the best for you and me so I need to take a step back while things are still good between us.

 

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

Here’s me over analyzing:

 

1) do I just send this out of nowhere? Since we haven’t been talking.

2) we agreed to let each other know if we wanted to be back on the dating sites, this communicates that enough right?

 

Thank you, it’s hard not to be hard on myself. This wasn’t how I did things normally and I saw all these other people not worrying and finding their significant others and I thought maybeeee I’m putting too much pressure. Dumb dumb dumb of me.

 

Its only a slow death because you are still very much allowing him to steer the boat.

 

And yes you are leaving the door open.

 

You are not the first and you will not be the last to stay with someone you've confirmed to be hurting you.

 

Bolt eloquently has told many stories of staying and trying to prove herself to a man she knew was cheating on her, even changing the sheets.

 

One night after my ex and I got into a fight and he hit me I was in my home crying when there was a knock at the door, my neighbor who heard all the fights and called the cops on my ex handed me a piece of paper with a number on it, she asked me " do you want to leave " and I cried and said "yes!" she told me, "call that number they are going to help you, but only call that number if you're serious, you cant come back." I am so ashamed to say, I never called that number, I looked her in the eye bawling crying saying I wanted out but I didn't dial because I knew I wasnt done, I knew I didnt have the emotional strength to walk away and I didnt, I stayed.

 

Im not trying to be rude, I promise Im not, but it is so not brave that youre dating right now, its the opposite actually. Bravery means being single and be ok with yourself alone, bravery is facing whatever issues you may have, as a few have pointed out this isnt the first time youve even posted about a 'slept with him now I want a relationship' situation, but instead of recognizing you had issues to face you just keep looking to fill whatever void you have, again, and Im sorry, thats not brave.

 

Youre overthinking and complicating ending things because you dont want to do it, you arent ready. Before you attempt to come up with a new excuse, girl...you brought up him being on the dating sites and yall were still able to make a date for this weekend, THAT takes some twisting, ending things because he lied, probably one of the easiest things to do... once youre ready. You arent ready yet, its ok to admit.

[akrngrl]

Its only a slow death because you are still very much allowing him to steer the boat.

 

And yes you are leaving the door open.

 

You are not the first and you will not be the last to stay with someone you've confirmed to be hurting you.

 

Bolt eloquently has told many stories of staying and trying to prove herself to a man she knew was cheating on her, even changing the sheets.

 

One night after my ex and I got into a fight and he hit me I was in my home crying when there was a knock at the door, my neighbor who heard all the fights and called the cops on my ex handed me a piece of paper with a number on it, she asked me " do you want to leave " and I cried and said "yes!" she told me, "call that number they are going to help you, but only call that number if you're serious, you cant come back." I am so ashamed to say, I never called that number, I looked her in the eye bawling crying saying I wanted out but I didn't dial because I knew I wasnt done, I knew I didnt have the emotional strength to walk away and I didnt, I stayed.

 

Im not trying to be rude, I promise Im not, but it is so not brave that youre dating right now, its the opposite actually. Bravery means being single and be ok with yourself alone, bravery is facing whatever issues you may have, as a few have pointed out this isnt the first time youve even posted about a 'slept with him now I want a relationship' situation, but instead of recognizing you had issues to face you just keep looking to fill whatever void you have, again, and Im sorry, thats not brave.

 

Youre overthinking and complicating ending things because you dont want to do it, you arent ready. Before you attempt to come up with a new excuse, girl...you brought up him being on the dating sites and yall were still able to make a date for this weekend, THAT takes some twisting, ending things because he lied, probably one of the easiest things to do... once youre ready. You arent ready yet, its ok to admit.

 

Maybe you all can see that and I can’t and I may just have to own that. I truly don’t think it’s about the sex. The post I made initially about being afraid he was going on dates with other girls on the weekends because I couldn’t fathom him having that many friends all over was weeks before we had sex. So I guess in a way I wanted commitment then too even before sex. Mostly because it felt like he had written a huge sign saying “yes I choose you” when I wholly expected the flakey, “I don’t know”, last minute planner that I normally encounter with people in his line of work (or other lines, but it’s mostly people that do his sort of profession that I’ve encountered personally).

 

It’s a bit of a sting to know he’s never really ~dated anyone that he didn’t end up in a relationship with (lucky me I’m the first!) and yet he gave me all the signs at first. Now I realize it’s not nearly as long as it felt and he’s no longer that person so again I ask myself, what am I getting out of this? (Other than an ulcer, acne and a cheap grocery bill for a few weeks).

 

I don’t feel okay with it though. I’m so mad at myself because I need to be ready and I WANT to be ready [emoji24].

 

Not rude at all. I don’t feel brave, I feel stupid. I feel ignorant and I feel foolish. if I’m too dumb to leave a situation as trivial as this (were not even an official couple and we have nothing vested other than time) and that I know is bad for me than I deserve every lost night of sleep, panic attack and lie I get and have gotten.

 

I’m so sorry you had to go through that whole experience ❤️.

[boltnrun]

Instead of flogging yourself, how about doing what's good for you?

 

Flogging yourself is just another excuse to do nothing and keep seeing and sleeping with him.

 

If you do want to continue, ask yourself why.

[katrina1980]

You know akr, after reading all your recent posts, before and after your weekend, I'm convinced, despite all your assertions to the contrary, that the reason you're "not ready" to walk away is cause there is a huge part of you that thinks his actions are ok, or not that bad -- not bad enough to warrant your ending it. At least not now.

 

And you know what? That's ok!!

 

There is no need to acquiesce to those of us who believe he's a lying d-bag, if there are enough redeeming qualities about him in your eyes that make you feel warm and fuzzy when together, then that is your call to make, you're the one dating him, not any of us.

 

And there are obviously things about him and how he makes you feel that justify your staying versus leaving, which again is why you're "not ready." Otherwise, you would just leave!

 

My only issue is why are you denying this? Telling us and perhaps yourself that you're not ok with any of this, that he's this or that (nothing positive) and dramatically portraying yourself as this helpless victim who has somehow fallen prey to this master manipulator who has somehow managed to assume all this power over you.

 

Not judging, promise, maybe it turns you on that a man has this much power over you, hasn't happened in awhile, if ever, and you see that as strong, masculine, powerful, all extremely attractive qualities!!

 

So just own it girl, it's ok! When you've had enough, you'll walk but till then, why fight it? Why deny it?

 

If you even are fighting it -- a part of me believes you're just placating us cause you don't want to be "lectured" (your word) for your choice to stay. Even if it's not done consciously.

 

And I mean no disrespect when saying that -- again it's ok, we have all been there or many of us. I sure have!

 

Anyway, that's my peace fwiw, what I'm sensing, I could be wrong.

 

It just goes back to what I posted earlier about emotional honesty.

[Morello]

Not sure about you, OP, but I'd be much more anxious about lingering in limbo as you are now or even meeting up again than sending a break up text to him.

 

Your anxiety is most likely coming from this unresolved business. You know what to do, you know it will happen eventually, why not just text him? You can rest assured that if there's ANY chance he is truly into you, he'll at least try to debate things a bit before just accepting the break up. By taking the initiative, you get some of your self-respect back. By staying, you are risking him breaking up with you first which will only damage your self-esteem further.

 

It's very clear you're suffering from this, it's clear that he lied, it's clear that this is not a healthy relationship. I understand you might have some attachment issues (I have them myself) but sometimes we just got to go and DO IT. Like Batya said, just do it. Don't think too much, the more you overthink, the worse it will get.

[East4]

I'm sure you are - so was I - and Facebook is used to proliferate it. What you quote doesn't refer to the trendy catch phrase or to any definitive time of "first life crisis" and I agree with the generality that there are cycles of life -of course, that's obvious and I don't think it's relevant to the dating experience she had with this person or to the recent pattern of her choices that she described. I disagree that there is a 28-30 "first life crisis" of any import or that applies in any broad way.

 

Batya, if you read through the text of the study you will see that specific age spans are mentioned. If you feel so strongly about the subject of Life cycles/crisis perhaps it will be more appropriate to start a new threat, I'm more than happy to contribute. Let's not hijack the current thread with side discussions.

[Wiseman2]

Whenever you want it to. But you don't want to. You want him to be on the same page as you, which seems to be having a casual short term relationship while he was there and then expecting a commitment once he's gone and it's a long term thing.

just anxious about when the opportunity to gracefully end it comes up.

[Batya33]

Batya, if you read through the text of the study you will see that specific age spans are mentioned. If you feel so strongly about the subject of Life cycles/crisis perhaps it will be more appropriate to start a new threat, I'm more than happy to contribute. Let's not hijack the current thread with side discussions.

Definitely -I stand by what I wrote and studies would make zero difference to how I responded to your intitial post with the 28-30 age span plus your assumption that that was the issue in this situation. The latter is right on point for this thread -I completely disagree that her choices and reactions have anything to do with a life crisis -or his. We agree there are cycles of life in humans and other living creatures as well!

[Batya33]

The slow death is painful to go through too lol. Not really about his next moves though, just anxious about when the opportunity to gracefully end it comes up. Hard to do if you’re not talking all that much and the idea of a text still makes me cringe after anything more than a month, but I can appreciate it likely needs to be done that way.

 

All of my past experiences have gone like Bat mentioned-they ask me out I decline and say so long. I promise though, everything you’re saying is what I’m thinking and I’m asking myself why the heck I can’t put on my big girl pants and do the dang thing.

 

Because I’m an annoying pain in the rear can I tweak your suggestion and get advice?

 

—I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand realize I would need more than our current arrangement has been lately to feel satisfied especially given the impending distance. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. I think you’re an amazing person and want the best for you and me so I need to take a step back while things are still good between us.

 

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

Here’s me over analyzing:

 

1) do I just send this out of nowhere? Since we haven’t been talking.

2) we agreed to let each other know if we wanted to be back on the dating sites, this communicates that enough right?

 

Thank you, it’s hard not to be hard on myself. This wasn’t how I did things normally and I saw all these other people not worrying and finding their significant others and I thought maybeeee I’m putting too much pressure. Dumb dumb dumb of me.

 

No "opportunity" needed -this is not a divorce, or a divorce with kids involved etc where timing comes into play a lot more (or to be completely thoughtful not a like marriage situation or an engagement with wedding plans).

 

I disagree with Katrina - unless you want to endure more of his behavior and lies and not being that into you - unless you "honestly" want that then please leave. A person can "honestly" want what she knows is bad for her and still choose not to go with feelings but with facts and brain -or at least a combination of head and heart. It's good you have self-knowledge about overanalyzing.

 

An analogy. 30 years ago I was teaching kindergarten. A 5 year old went to use the bathroom in the classroom during nap time. I realized it was taking her a long time so I went in and saw that she'd dumped all our paint jars into the sink and was creating art in the sink. I took her on my lap and asked her why she'd done that. She said "Because I miss my Daddy" (he was on a business trip). So I told her "you can miss your daddy AND you can not paint the sink red blue and yellow and green". Same thing here. (No I don't think this process you're going through is unique to dating/romantic relationships) You can feel what you feel -wanting to still be with him, wanting an excuse not to have to send a text or call to cancel plans, being scared of being alone, being scared there is no one else out there AND still type the words or say the one to two sentences. That will be emotionally honest and reflect smarts/common sense IMHO.

 

Yes if head and heart tell you to give him another chance, go for it -he's not abusing you and you're entitled to your standards in people.

[akrngrl]

You know akr, after reading all your recent posts, before and after your weekend, I'm convinced, despite all your assertions to the contrary, that the reason you're "not ready" to walk away is cause there is a huge part of you that thinks his actions are ok, or not that bad -- not bad enough to warrant your ending it. At least not now.

 

And you know what? That's ok!!

 

There is no need to acquiesce to those of us who believe he's a lying d-bag, if there are enough redeeming qualities about him in your eyes that make you feel warm and fuzzy when together, then that is your call to make, you're the one dating him, not any of us.

 

And there are obviously things about him and how he makes you feel that justify your staying versus leaving, which again is why you're "not ready." Otherwise, you would just leave!

 

My only issue is why are you denying this? Telling us and perhaps yourself that you're not ok with any of this, that he's this or that (nothing positive) and dramatically portraying yourself as this helpless victim who has somehow fallen prey to this master manipulator who has somehow managed to assume all this power over you.

 

Not judging, promise, maybe it turns you on that a man has this much power over you, hasn't happened in awhile, if ever, and you see that as strong, masculine, powerful, all extremely attractive qualities!!

 

So just own it girl, it's ok! When you've had enough, you'll walk but till then, why fight it? Why deny it?

 

If you even are fighting it -- a part of me believes you're just placating us cause you don't want to be "lectured" (your word) for your choice to stay. Even if it's not done consciously.

 

And I mean no disrespect when saying that -- again it's ok, we have all been there or many of us. I sure have!

 

Anyway, that's my peace fwiw, what I'm sensing, I could be wrong.

 

It just goes back to what I posted earlier about emotional honesty.

 

That’s what I’m struggling with though- I know they’re bad, I know there’s nothing for me to stay for, I know that by me staying I have no respect for myself and he will have lost all respect for me.

 

I’m not a victim-all of this is my fault/doing. I can’t sit here and claim hurt and shock and pain because I did this to myself. I stayed. I feel like it’s even worse too because I’m not in denial or ignorant to what’s going on around me.

 

No disrespect at all Kat! I just legitimately am struggling with why I’m having such a hard time. I thought about the “attractive power over me”, and I wish that was it, but mostly I just find that annoying. I feel like maybe it’s just because I can’t separate all the “false promises” that were thrown around (even if he meant them at the time). But I know better than to hang on those and that’s why I’m struggling. I know better and yet here I am.

 

I even played out how much me going hurts me. Not even for the weekend, but then his family comes into town for graduation. A graduation that a month ago he had said he wanted me to go to if things were still good (but in the subsequent two times it’s come up recently he has not once formally invited me or even mentioned my attendance). He very clearly no longer wants me to meet his family, and then he’s got some down time before he leaves for the new state. Sure all he talks about is when he’s back this summer and how “excited” he is, but I highly doubt in the two weeks following this weekend, if I go, there’s going to be any effort to see me again.

 

Some small part of me is that rage face cereal guy meme of the stick figure eating cereal saying “she’s not this stupid” and then spitting out the cereal in disbelief.

[Metaltwin70]

'..—I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand realize I would need more than our current arrangement has been lately to feel satisfied especially given the impending distance. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. I think you’re an amazing person and want the best for you and me so I need to take a step back while things are still good between us.

 

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

_________

 

Oh Amk. I get it. I get you. More than most on here, trust me on this - not at liberty to say why. I know what you're going through. I know you're hurting like crazy. I know he's on your mind every minute of every day and I know you're torturing yourself with 'well maybe if I..he might..'. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You know what the best thing would be for you to do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.Just...disappear. Don't text. Don't email. Don't call. Not as any kind of 'tactic'. He's as good as done. He's blatantly lied to you and he's happily dating other women. You don't owe him anything at all. Just disappear from his life. I SO know it's about 10000000 times easier said than done. Your thoughtful kind and beautifully worded farewell message that I quoted here effectively says 'it kills me to do this..please come back'. The very best kind of message would be silence. Speaks so much louder than any words...

[East4]

'..—I respect where you are in life and that you have some things to sort out before you are emotionally ready for a relationship. I on the other hand realize I would need more than our current arrangement has been lately to feel satisfied especially given the impending distance. Balancing the two has been a challenge for me. I think you’re an amazing person and want the best for you and me so I need to take a step back while things are still good between us.

 

(By all means let me know when you’re back this summer. If things are sorted and I’m still available I would really like to see -where things could go-if we could pursue things-idk what to actually say here-)

 

_________

 

Oh Amk. I get it. I get you. More than most on here, trust me on this - not at liberty to say why. I know what you're going through. I know you're hurting like crazy. I know he's on your mind every minute of every day and I know you're torturing yourself with 'well maybe if I..he might..'. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You know what the best thing would be for you to do? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.Just...disappear. Don't text. Don't email. Don't call. Not as any kind of 'tactic'. He's as good as done. He's blatantly lied to you and he's happily dating other women. You don't owe him anything at all. Just disappear from his life. I SO know it's about 10000000 times easier said than done. Your thoughtful kind and beautifully worded farewell message that I quoted here effectively says 'it kills me to do this..please come back'. The very best kind of message would be silence. Speaks so much louder than any words...

 

I second this. Silence speaks better than any words.

[boltnrun]

You're sticking around because you're still "hoping". You think if you keep.seeing and sleeping with him and are your cool, awesome self he wouldn't be able to resist. He'd stop pursuing other women to be with you.

 

I tried that approach. All it got me was cheated on and dumped. A d the price I paid was my own self respect. I'm still trying to get it back.

 

You are in fact choosing to put yourself in this situation. You think "I MUST get this man to love me!!" But why? Think about that.

[akrngrl]

You're sticking around because you're still "hoping". You think if you keep.seeing and sleeping with him and are your cool, awesome self he wouldn't be able to resist. He'd stop pursuing other women to be with you.

 

I tried that approach. All it got me was cheated on and dumped. A d the price I paid was my own self respect. I'm still trying to get it back.

 

You are in fact choosing to put yourself in this situation. You think "I MUST get this man to love me!!" But why? Think about that.

 

Definitely something I’m trying to get to the bottom of. Maybe a bruised ego. I’m wondering if he did want me, if I’d then be able to walk away-because now I don’t even want to be in a committed relationship with him (I mean I guess I do, but I know I wouldn’t accept it since he’s a liar)

 

Also wondering if I’m too weak to walk for whatever reason so by me staying I’m really actually just pushing him away more and ensuring it’ll never be a thing. No one wants a partner they don’t respect and honestly, not sure he ever did respect me (on a professional level), but this sure ensures he never will. Definitely not how I’d normally go about things, but I’m really hunting for answers-and I guess that gets the same result, minus yanno any dignity and self-respect (which clearly I’m displaying 0% of)

[Batya33]

I think you're twisting yourself into a knot and the only reason I thought you should contact him is because you said you have a plan to see him this weekend and it's impolite to stand someone up. What are you "walking away" from - a person you are dating who is looking to date other people? A person you do not want to commit to? It was fun while it lasted and enjoy the memories but please don't make this a bigger deal factually. I get that you have intense emotions about it -that can happen after one date too - I am not dismissing those-your feelings are you feelings. I just hope the reaction you choose has a basis in fact as well.

[akrngrl]

I second this. Silence speaks better than any words.

 

I really wish I could do that, it’s sure easier than bringing it up. I feel like even more of a coward though-I always swore I’d never ghost someone, even the worst of the worst. And being that I just was like “We agreed to let each other know if we want to date others or aren’t feeling this!” I’d feel like a giant hypocrite to turn around and vanish. If I could confidently do that and not feel like bad karma would follow me around forever I probably would-silence would be glorious.

[Batya33]

I really wish I could do that, it’s sure easier than bringing it up. I feel like even more of a coward though-I always swore I’d never ghost someone, even the worst of the worst. And being that I just was like “We agreed to let each other know if we want to date others or aren’t feeling this!” I’d feel like a giant hypocrite to turn around and vanish. If I could confidently do that and not feel like bad karma would follow me around forever I probably would-silence would be glorious.

 

Oh - I wouldn't contact him for any kind of "talk" -just a simple "sorry I can't make it this weekend after all and on reflection I don't think we should date each other anymore" -none of his business whether you plan on looking to date others - and part of your promise to say "I'm not feeling this" - but in a way by his actions he already told you he is not feeling it.

[akrngrl]

I think you're twisting yourself into a knot and the only reason I thought you should contact him is because you said you have a plan to see him this weekend and it's impolite to stand someone up. What are you "walking away" from - a person you are dating who is looking to date other people? A person you do not want to commit to? It was fun while it lasted and enjoy the memories but please don't make this a bigger deal factually. I get that you have intense emotions about it -that can happen after one date too - I am not dismissing those-your feelings are you feelings. I just hope the reaction you choose has a basis in fact as well.

 

I’m hearing you Bat, I swear I am. I know all those things and still “bye, block and move on” isn’t my default reaction and I’m so mad/baffled as to why it isn’t. I’m screaming it at myself.

 

I feel like those people who freeze in a situation, but emotionally. I’m too cowardly to pull the plug apparently, I don’t want to “fix it” or try to win him over or move forward, it’s like I just want to stand perfectly still and maybe disappear.

 

I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at myself, but IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!

 

If I were giving advice to me I’d be like “FFS girl, be like Elsa and LET. IT. GO”.