Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

[milly007]

I think it’s safe to say given the revelation that she’s got screen shots and organized folders that she’s been in detective mode since he left and it’s how she’s been soothing herself about this whole situation.I doubt I’d recognize someone I’ve met once or twice on a dating site. Maybe if I only saw them online and there pictures are same, but yeah the friend thing is very far fetched, I think Akn is a bit in denial about how utterly stressed out she was about this situation and far she was willing to go to convince herself everything was ok. Unfortunately if she doesn’t start being honest about how many standards and boundaries she allowed to be ignored he will weasel his way back in this weekend. For her sake, I hope she starts recognizing how unfullfilling this whole things has been and will be.

 

The comments about I’m so glad I didn’t get that commitment... Akn, I said his about something else you were saying in your other post, it’s a false sense of control. Girl you originally asked for a commitment because your radar went off (justifiably, many said it wasn’t but you knew then) your insecurity set in and it was a way to quiet those fears his response only MAGNIGIED those fears, because it confirmed them, but instead of walking away, and I fully realize not completely your fault cause you were kinda advised to just accept the halfass answers he was giving you.

 

 

At this point you can’t do it anymore, too much has been revealed to you. Please do not let him weasel you back in. If this is good enough, let him, but if it’s not for the love of God girl... walk away. You will never shape him into who you want him to be, that’s not how any of this works.

 

Whatever you decide I wish you luck, I really do and I hope you keep us updated as well.

 

Yeah, bottom line, akrn, you’ll never be truly, genuinely happy with this guy. You’ll never be able to trust him. I hope you stick to your guns and break it off.

 

Guys like this are really good at talking their way out of a paper bag, so I hope that whatever he tells you, you’ll keep perspective.

 

You deserve a good, honest guy who wants the same things as you, not this cr*p.

[boltnrun]

How badly do you want to "keep" him?

 

I see all kinds of mental gymnastics designed for you to justify continuing to date him to yourself.

 

I don't know, having to be constantly dealing with anxiety, having to play detective, staying up for days at a time because you are so wound up...is he REALLY worth all of that?

[katrina1980]

Agree with Bat -- nothing positive ever came from asking an obviously non-committal man to commit.

 

And all the brain spinning you are doing leads me to conclude (or strongly suspect) you must have commitment issues also (passive whereas his are active), otherwise you would have done what catfeeder suggested earlier back.

 

And simply told him this isn't working for you, and wished him well.

 

Done. The end.

 

But no, you continue to stalk, create files??, etc and continue your spinning. Being disingenuous and emotionally dishonest, with yourself and him.

 

I'm sorry akr I cannot relate to any of this even though I have struggled with my own share of commitment issues also.

 

But I know a dead end when I see one and will walk away. This all seems like a massive waste of time and energy.

 

You won't follow it but my advice is to stop chasing him (which is what you're doing even though you don't realize it)..

 

On a personal level, his behaviour would nauseate me. Literally!

 

I mean crying while lamenting how "scared" he is of his feelings and asking you to just be "patient"?

 

While reserving the right to chase other women on dating aps? What the *!

 

I wouldn't even be bothered to respond back at all, I'd probably just ghost and let him figure it out.

 

He's not stupid, he will!

 

Best of luck though..

[bluecastle]

Perhaps some time with a therapist to explore this kind of negative thinking loop and obsessional thoughts/behavior would be a more productive, more rewarding use of your time, particularly that now you are losing sleep, pacing around, agitated, etc. Something is up and it's not about this casual dating dude.

 

The more you write, AK, the more this is where I'm landing, too.

 

I think, if I may, that you have a little trouble separating "fun" and "anxious." You're a bit conditioned to believe that anxiety is the price of admission of fun, and/or that there is some kind of hidden value and depth in anxiety. You are leaning into feelings that, for a lot of people, are signals to detach, lean in another direction.

 

Once you're able to step back a bit and see this with clearer eyes—something therapy is great for—I think you'll see that this relationship has been the source of way more anxiety than it has been fun. We generally don't post when we're having fun, whatever the circumstances, and you've been posting about him since date 4.

 

Back then you wrote this: I would really be thrown if he were to be seeking weekend getaways with dating app matches and then seeing me literally hours later. Anxiety. A month later came the epic thread in which these anxieties had escalated, thanks to more proof that you weren't quite on the same page. And here we are, another month later, and the same anxieties are reaching Defcon levels thanks to indisputable evidence that you are both living in different realities.

 

I get that there has been fun along the way. Connection, intimacy, butterflies, hopes, feelings, sex. But I think those are the exceptions, not the rule. I think the rule/glue has been that he continuously feeds your fears and anxieties, that you metabolize those jitters as meaningful, to the point where you're now finding a kind of pleasure and comfort in monitoring him—in keeping him as stead drip of anxiousness.

 

Just something to think about. I can say more, but you've got a big day ahead. You're seeking something, and I hope you find it. I'm on your side, wishing you the best.

[katrina1980]

I agree with Wise, something is up, totally unrelated to this guy.

 

He's just a symptom of a much larger "disease" so to speak.

 

I mean no sleep, all the brain spinning, the files, etc, aren't you exhausted? I am from just reading.

 

Please consider seeing a medical professional, good luck.

[milly007]

I guess I may be alone here in terms of thinking that akrn’s reaction to what happened is no different than what a lot of people go through when they’ve been hurt by someone they care about, or following a break-up.

 

We all react differently when it comes to situations like this, and if anyone here can move on from an experience like this, without thinking twice, and without feeling somewhat emotional, this is truly admirable.

 

Akrn will get over it, she just needs time.

[katrina1980]

Agree no one can just "move on," it does take time.

 

But her behaviour is obsessive and self-defeating, as well as disingenuous and emotionally dishonest.

 

I mean no disrespect but she is being as deceitful as he is, Imo.

 

It's clear she is very unhappy, does not trust him, and sees no future.

 

Yet she continues to respond to his "lovey" texts and is planning to see him this weekend.

 

To me this is also deceitful, seriously dishonest. Sorry akr.

[Batya33]

Haha I agree Bat. I tried to be 21st century. I doubt I’ll go that route again [emoji23]

 

I don't think it has anything to do with that - those are stories we tell ourselves pretending to be someone we are not. I think people who want to be committed to you have no interest in what century or decade it is and don't let society either encourage or discourage -they just want to be with you, is all, and they make it happen so that you know for sure what their intentions are.

Yes, people have casual sex more often than maybe in the 1950s, yes people are committed without marriage more often than in the 1950s but when it comes down to the meaning of commitment I don't think anyone wants commitment any less than at any other time. That's in the heart, and it's borne out by actions that show the intentions.

 

I don't presume he is non-commital. He doesn't want to commit to you and he doesn't value keeping his promises which is separate (that I will presume generally - because someone who lies doesn't typically pick and choose -it's based on their underlying values)

[figureitout23]

Agree no one can just "move on," it does take time.

 

But her behaviour is obsessive and self-defeating, as well disingenuous and emotionally dishonest.

 

I mean no disrespect but she is being as deceitful as he is, Imo.

 

It's clear she is very unhappy, does not trust him, and sees no future.

 

Yet she continues to respond to his "lovey" texts and is planning to see him this weekend.

 

To me this is also deceitful, seriously dishonest. Sorry akr.

 

Kat, I also mean no offense but I agree with milly. Also, lets be honest, you were one of those people that helped her, hell at times pushed her to dive into the ocean of grey area, I fully remember and honestly I respect it, I enjoy seeing your view, but for you to do such a complete 180 is a bit confusing, granted she kept acting like she was the cool, down for whatever, afraid of commitment girl so she kinda played into it herself, with the help of a few of you who were also playing the its cool to be afraid of commitment game. I remember reading it and thinking to myself.'this isnt good...' but knew if I said something Id be seen as an a**, so I let y'all do your thing, but Kat, you helped her get where she is, which NOTHING wrong with it, nothing, but to turn on her this abruptly... kinda messed up. She was advised to take the risk, she did, and unfortunately this is the result. The fact that she is having trouble navigating the waters of the aftermath is well...expected...

 

There is a STARK difference between someone who truly is capable of handling grey areas and allowing things to fall into place and someone pretending for the sake of getting confirmation bias type advice.

 

The signs were all there

 

I do have to wonder how you found out his location updated on the dating app. Is there some reason why you feel like you want to check up on him? Has he given you any indication he's seeing or dating anyone else? If not, why check up on him?

 

And advice was given.

 

Unfortunately since you both already know this is short term and casual while he's in your town working, there not much you can do but accept it and not get this invested or involved. Hiding profiles is not promising anything, including exclusivity. He's not lying to you. He's telling you he's "not sure". He's giving you a lot of "ifs". Keep saying to yourself. "This is short term, this is casual". If that upsets you don't go any further.

 

You're so busy trying to be 'that girl' the cool calm and down for whatever girl. I have come to the conclusion that 'that girl' the one willing to put her wants aside to please others, isnt what men actually want, we as women, were our own worst enemies sometimes, no one wants to be that 'other girl' the clingy, needy, I want a relationship girl, as if wanting a relationship is a bad word, so, so many try to be women who honestly degrade themselves, to please men who dont respect us to begin with.

 

Youre good enough to have a good time with but not good enough to be in a relationship with. At the end of the day whether hes on the dating website or not, whether youre pushing or pulling or coming on too strong, you asked and he answered, there is no grey area anymore, he told you in no uncertain terms.

 

Your last post was pages and pages of you being petrified to ask. Why? You got the answer you didnt want and you stayed anyway. Its almost like you were afraid to ask because you already knew the answer and as long as he didnt confirm it you could stay under the guise of being the 'cool chick' believe maybe just maybe he wanted more.

 

 

Thats a lot of twisting. Is he worth it?

 

What you'll be signing up for is checking and checking the dating app to try to see what he's up to while he's away for work.

 

Does that sound fun to you?

 

If not, get your answer now. And not some wishy washy "Well, you're the only woman I'm dating HERE". A real answer.

 

It sounds like you're fine with the arrangement where you are not committed to each other and each one of you can keep your options open -it sounds like he really enjoys spending time with you and plans to keep seeing you. Obviously having a boyfriend-girlfriend commitment doesn't guarantee great behavior on either front - but it does mean that you agree to close off all other options and not look to date or date others. It also sounds like it benefits you to be able to keep options open given your lifestyle/situation.

 

It's always cute to play at being a committed couple and do the whole "boyfriend" third person reference and when others assume you are married!

You seem calm and comfortable with what he can offer you now.

 

 

That post still went 30 some odd pages, with the conclusion that gave her the confidence to keep going against the voice in her head saying ABORT ABORT.

 

Doesn't make sense to shame someone for starting a house fire if you handed them the matches.

[Batya33]

Kat, I also mean no offense but I agree with milly. Also, lets be honest, you were one of those people that helped her, hell at times pushed her to dive into the ocean of grey area, I fully remember and honestly I respect it, I enjoy seeing your view, but for you to do such a complete 180 is a bit confusing, granted she kept acting like she was the cool, down for whatever, afraid of commitment girl so she kinda played into it herself, with the help of a few of you who were also playing the its cool to be afraid of commitment game. I remember reading it and thinking to myself.'this isnt good...' but knew if I said something Id be seen as an a**, so I let y'all do your thing, but Kat, you helped her get where she is, which NOTHING wrong with it, nothing, but to turn on her this abruptly... kinda messed up.

 

There is a STARK difference between someone who truly is capable of handling grey areas and allowing things to fall into place and someone pretending for the sake of getting confirmation bias type advice.

 

The signs were all there

 

 

 

And advice was given.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That post still went 30 some odd pages, with the conclusion being that gave her the confidence to keep going against the voice in her head saying ABORT ABORT.

 

Doesn't make sense to shame someone for starting a house fire if you handed them the matches.

 

No. I made it very clear when she was "happy" in her update that he was NOT committed to her and that she was seeming to be ok with that -my post asked her to be honest with herself - I wasn't going to condescend and call her a liar (meaning accuse her of not knowing what she really wants) -she stated she was happy, I reiterated that he still was not committed to her and that she seemed to be ok with that. I wrote in that post (and another post -it wasn't my only one after her update from what I recall) that a commitment does mean more than what he as offering. And that if she wanted to keep her options open too, fine. It wasn't my place to tell her she was "wrong" in her thinking. I had told her that earlier in the thread -that she was being dishonest with herself and that he wasn't seeing her with serious potential.

 

And separately, he lied about not planning to be on dating apps -that is a separate promise he made to her separate from commitment.

[katrina1980]

I know I did FIO, owning that and meant it at the time.

 

But this second thread, more info has been presented (it's all been said, no need to repeat) and I see it a bit differently. That's all. :)

 

First thread -- She took a risk, gave it a shot, good for her! I encouraged that.

 

But to continue on now, knowing what she knows, feeling what she feels, I own what I said - its all a bit obsessive, disingenuous and emotionally dishonest, imo.

[figureitout23]

No. I made it very clear when she was "happy" in her update that he was NOT committed to her and that she was seeming to be ok with that -my post asked her to be honest with herself - I wasn't going to condescend and call her a liar (meaning accuse her of not knowing what she really wants) -she stated she was happy, I reiterated that he still was not committed to her and that she seemed to be ok with that. I wrote in that post (and another post -it wasn't my only one after her update from what I recall) that a commitment does mean more than what he as offering. And that if she wanted to keep her options open too, fine. It wasn't my place to tell her she was "wrong" in her thinking. I had told her that earlier in the thread -that she was being dishonest with herself and that he wasn't seeing her with serious potential.

 

And separately, he lied about not planning to be on dating apps -that is a separate promise he made to her separate from commitment.

 

I wasnt saying that either Bat sorry for the confusion.

[figureitout23]

I know I did FIO, owning that and meant it at the time.

 

But this second thread, more info has been presented (it's all been said, no need to repeat) and I see it a bit differently. That's all. :)

 

She took a risk, gave it a shot, good for her.

 

But to continue on now, knowing what she knows, feeling what she feels, I own what I said - its all a bit obsessive, disingenuous and emotionally dishonest, imo.

 

Absolutely! I agree.

 

I'm sorry if I gave your he impression its 'all your fault' that wasn't my intention, we all give advise based on our views and the information given.

 

I hear what you're saying

 

" its all a bit disingenuous and emotionally dishonest"

 

But she hasn't actually changed. Shes the same girl, shes saying all the same things, shes been like this from the start, I dont know, maybe you didnt see it, but you do now, happens to me all the time, but to go from supporting her, to well... its not going to be easy to disengage after months of convincing yourself its all in your head, its not.

 

Maybe I'm more sensitive right now because Im having to 'grieve' a friendship that wasnt what I thought it was, I dont know, I guess I just get it...luckily for me though, Ive been through a lot, so Im better equipped to handle it, I get knocked pretty low, but since Im used to it I can keep going, not everyone can. It sucks but its true. Emotions are crazy, confusing, powerful things and sometimes we need an event to happen to us to kinda be a light bulb moment for us to stop doing things that hurt us... hopefully this is hers...

[katrina1980]

I get it too, God knows I lived in never-never land for many years. In a state of denial and delusion.

 

But akr seems quite aware, she not confused, in denial, she KNOWS exactly what this guy is about, if not then, then she does now.

 

And as such, she no longer trusts him; heck from the way she talks, sounds like she neither respects nor even likes him much anymore -- as a man.

 

So then why is she's seeing him this weekend, she is probably with him as we speak!

 

This is what I don't get and why I think she is being emotional dishonest. Even calculated.

 

Anyway, don't mean to continue heaping it on, just giving my opinion about it fwiw.

 

That said, I'm sorry you're still struggling a bit with your situation, but you're resilient, strong!

 

It just takes time. xx

[Batya33]

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope you heal and feel on the mend very soon.

[figureitout23]

Not sure if youre referencing me Bat, but thank you if you are, and same to you Kat, honestly, l do appreciate it, but I’m not the one who probably needs words of affirmation right now, *hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*

[Batya33]

Not sure if youre referencing me Bat, but thank you if you are, and same to you Kat, honestly, l do appreciate it, but I’m not the one who probably needs words of affirmation right now, *hint hint nudge nudge wink wink*

 

Yes I was!

[katrina1980]

I hope OP updates after she returns from her weekend with him!

[akrngrl]

Update:

 

All the events were great. Then my plan backfired in every way possible. I also got the plague and he spent the night having to take care of me while I was curled up in a fetal position of embarrassment.

 

I have the details typed out, but I imagine everyone is probably over hearing every inch of my interactions so I was hesitant to post them. Honestly I just kind of feel like a burden and a let down.

 

Also, probably not relevant to this forum, but I think Wiseman was on to something. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just masking other issues with this. Like I’m latching on to this dating situation because it’s something concrete I can focus on and rather than other elusive problems that are lurking in my subconscious. I say that because I’m still not sleeping and there’s nothing about this situation currently that should be causing that. I’m also crying a lot, but not about this directly and more about this sense of fear I have and the feelings that have been bubbling under the surface.

 

Maybe it’s just the illness, but I just feel like I’ve lost my way somehow and for whatever reason that makes me so incredibly sad.

[Batya33]

I hope you feel much better!

[akrngrl]

I hope you feel much better!

 

Thank you Bat ❤️

[Batya33]

Thank you Bat ❤️

 

My son is home sick (I am fine so far, I usually don't get his bugs) but no plague like symptoms yet....! I am hoping he does something fetal like later so I can nap (congestion = not great sleep for him)

[akrngrl]

My son is home sick (I am fine so far, I usually don't get his bugs) but no plague like symptoms yet....! I am hoping he does something fetal like later so I can nap (congestion = not great sleep for him)

 

Oh it’s awful. And it came on out of no where within an hour or two as we were coming home. The humor is that I was trying to fight it off so I could be a that strong woman that takes no bs (I’m sure I looked SUPER strong sitting there sweating and shivering barely able to put one foot in front of the other ::facepalm::)

 

Karma: 1

Me: 0

 

I so hope he feels better soon and you get a nap in so you can avoid this bug! Not sure how into tea he is, but I swear a third pillow to be propped up on and all the tea has kept me from losing my ever loving mind once the congestion hit.

[figureitout23]

Update:

 

All the events were great. Then my plan backfired in every way possible. I also got the plague and he spent the night having to take care of me while I was curled up in a fetal position of embarrassment.

 

I have the details typed out, but I imagine everyone is probably over hearing every inch of my interactions so I was hesitant to post them. Honestly I just kind of feel like a burden and a let down.

 

Also, probably not relevant to this forum, but I think Wiseman was on to something. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m just masking other issues with this. Like I’m latching on to this dating situation because it’s something concrete I can focus on and rather than other elusive problems that are lurking in my subconscious. I say that because I’m still not sleeping and there’s nothing about this situation currently that should be causing that. I’m also crying a lot, but not about this directly and more about this sense of fear I have and the feelings that have been bubbling under the surface.

 

Maybe it’s just the illness, but I just feel like I’ve lost my way somehow and for whatever reason that makes me so incredibly sad.

 

Thanks for the update and I hope you feel better, getting sick sucks.

 

Can I just take a guess and say I think you don’t want to post because you maybe know you “fell for” whatever reasons he gave and maybe you dont want us to lecture you?

 

I feel like you attempting to say it must be something else is a red herring.

 

You let him take care of you. That isn’t his role any more. And you know that.

 

Unless you want it to be his role which is fine, no judgement, but at the same time you don’t get to pretend to not be ok with all this if you accept it.

 

I don’t know, tell me if I’m being too harsh, I’m not trying to be. It’s just you’re talking about being sick and expanding on that while we’re all being suffocated by the elephant in the room.

[akrngrl]

Thanks for the update and I hope you feel better, getting sick sucks.

 

Can I just take a guess and say I think you don’t want to post because you maybe know you “fell for” whatever reasons he gave and maybe you dont want us to lecture you?

 

I feel like you attempting to say it must be something else is a red herring.

 

You let him take care of you. That isn’t his role any more. And you know that.

 

Unless you want it to be his role which is fine, no judgement, but at the same time you don’t get to pretend to not be ok with all this if you accept it.

 

I don’t know, tell me if I’m being too harsh, I’m not trying to be. It’s just you’re talking about being sick and expanding on that while we’re all being suffocated by the elephant in the room.

 

Not harsh at all FIO. It just wasn’t how I wanted it to go or really any of the scenarios I had assumed and even though it sounds like/probably is and excuse, me feeling like absolute trash as I was trying to be who I said I would be really hampered that ability.

 

Being lectured is probably preferred, I was mostly worried that the general consensus would be “you’re hopeless, don’t post here anymore”.

 

I expected a shocked (oh crud-busted) reaction as I’d gotten before and any time I brought anything up of this nature OR the nonchalant (yeah I’m on it is what it is/I’m not your bf I can do what I want). Maybe I’m dumb but I kind of figured there’d be a marginal amount of words transpired.

 

Basically he denied it and deleted the apps off his phone (I said something like “we shouldn’t have even kept them On our phone if we had no intention of using them” as in, I was reflecting back) then got (something I’ve never seen before directed at me) very annoyed/angry that I didn’t believe him. He shut the heck down quicker than anything-arms crossed over his chest, head back on the couch and eyes closed. Like WOULD not engage.

 

I’m sitting there baffled and like unsure of what to do (it’s 2 am at this point because of course we got home super late) so I get my shoes and I guess he was squinting so he asked what I was doing and I said “I don’t think I should stay so I’m getting ready to leave” or something like that. He said something to the effect of “I’d rather you didn’t” eyes still closed and arms crossed deadpan, no emotion and it was like a cross between a request and an order.

 

I think I was mostly just VERY uncomfortable and I’m full force into feeling like the underside of someone’s shoe. So I’m like okay I just need to get out of this room and go for a walk at least because I’m at a loss and I own that I chickened out/felt too crummy to be this sassy take no bs lady I set out to be.

 

I don’t know, maybe he just got into work mode because he’s in law enforcement. Basically launched (and my launched I mean again same not even acknowledging my existence and phrasing things like a request, but they sounded like orders) into how there is no way he’s letting me drive all that way home at this hour and how there is no way on gods green earth that I’m wandering around the streets alone for a walk at 2 am. (That’s kind of what happened when I had my panic attack and I just wanted to leave and go to the store for some crackers and it was late and he was like “uhm I’m 3000% coming you are not going out alone this late”)

 

There I am trying to lighten the mood with humor because well clearly that’s my only coping mechanism. I go for a ten minute walk to which he starts doing work and declines going to bed until I’m “safe back in the room”. On my walk I contemplate “leaving” and just really sleeping in my car in the parking lot (because I’m not staying in that strange environment and because I told everyone this was it) and because I questioned my ability to make it home.

 

I got back and I don’t know if it was the time apart or if he just noticed how bad I must have looked because he snapped right into caretaker mode.

 

Basically I haven’t even thought about things enough to have any emotion about the events.