Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

[Batya33]

Thanks for the update and I hope you feel better, getting sick sucks.

 

Can I just take a guess and say I think you don’t want to post because you maybe know you “fell for” whatever reasons he gave and maybe you dont want us to lecture you?

 

I feel like you attempting to say it must be something else is a red herring.

 

You let him take care of you. That isn’t his role any more. And you know that.

 

Unless you want it to be his role which is fine, no judgement, but at the same time you don’t get to pretend to not be ok with all this if you accept it.

 

I don’t know, tell me if I’m being too harsh, I’m not trying to be. It’s just you’re talking about being sick and expanding on that while we’re all being suffocated by the elephant in the room.

 

Thanks and yes we are doing that!

[Batya33]

I think it was a mistake to see him or to have any conversation about the dating apps. Nothing new under the sun. I don't think you need to put more thought or analysis into it -if you truly want potential for a serious relationship in your future with someone else - then I would cut off all contact with him now and do whatever distracting thing will help you be disciplined about no contact.

[East4]

then got (something I’ve never seen before directed at me) very annoyed/angry that I didn’t believe him. He shut the heck down quicker than anything-arms crossed over his chest, head back on the couch and eyes closed. Like WOULD not engage.

 

He got angry with you not because you didn't believe him, but because he got busted. It is a typical reaction when a cheater/liar is caught red-handed. And then he shut down because he had no time to prepare a convenient lie, so silence was his only refuge. He showed you his true colors, and please look at these dark colors with your eyes wide open. Actually he was gaslighting you. In the face of convincing evidence that he did use the dating app, somehow he managed to convince you that your perceptions are incorrect and that you have to blindly believe him.

Then he used your cold, as an excuse to get out of the discussion on his bad behavior, and his taking care of you was very convenient excuse to shift the focus. As per your account of events he sounds controlling towards you, obstructing your will to go out for a walk and barking orders at you. You are an adult, and you need not taking orders from anyone.

 

 

I was very worried about you AK-girl, when I read about your intention to visit him to confront him in person, because some men turn physically aggressive when called on their cheating. So, I'm very glad that you are physically safe and sound, but I'm now worried about your emotional and psychological well-being, as I see that the gaslighting has started working on you. You are questioning yourself:

Honestly I just kind of feel like a burden and a let down...Like I’m latching on to this dating situation because it’s something concrete I can focus on and rather than other elusive problems that are lurking in my subconscious.

Please don't. I read your previous threads in one breath, stayed well into the night, this is why I was late to comment before you left for the visit. Let me tell you that you strike me as quite intelligent and well-spoken. You may have your challenges with anxiety, but certainly you have a head on your shoulders. Please trust your thoughts and perceptions, do not let a wolf in sheep's clothing brainwash you.

[boltnrun]

So, bottom line. Have you decided to keep dating and sleeping with him?

[purplepaisley]

Do you understand that the high level of stress you have experienced weakened your immune system and invited these germs to wreak havoc on your body? This, in addition to the insomnia, is creating a party-house for whatever viruses and bacteria that decide to set up camp.

 

It's time to stop this.

 

Now, your quasi-BF might have come across as a jerk, but he did what he should have done, and kept you from being completely stupid, not only endangering yourself, but potentially endangering others. You were sick with the "plague" so you were really sick, irrational, emotional...and you thought it would be a good idea to wander the streets at 2 in the morning? Drive home 2-3 hours in your state of sleep deprivation and virus-filled, feverish body; sleep in the car? Hate him all you want, I'm glad he put on his cop attitude and shut you down.

 

Now home safely, end this. It's done.

 

It hurts, and I know the hurt. I just got hit once again with hurtful actions...difference for me is I walked into this knowing it was "not a thing," but it's impossible to shut off your feelings...when there are feelings. Don't continue on with a relationship that affects your health and livelihood and job.

[katrina1980]

So, bottom line. Have you decided to keep dating and sleeping with him?

 

My guess would be yes, otherwise she would not have left such a huge elephant in the room, as Fio opined. And told us she ended it.

 

I suppose akr will leave when she's ready -- clearly she's not quite ready yet.

 

akr, I hope you at least took something from this 9 page thread..

 

Best of luck and hope you feel better soon. :)

[boltnrun]

I've never wished I'd stayed in a bad or unsatisfactory relationship longer, but I have regretted not leaving sooner.

[katrina1980]

I try to never have regrets. It's all a journey, one big learning experience and if one leaves before being emotionally ready, they often end up second guessing wondering if they did the right thing.

 

I truly believe some relationships are like addictions and you have to reach rock bottom, the bottom of the barrel, before you're finally ready to leave..

 

Here, the lack of full disclosure is telling.

 

I would not even be surprised if akr apologized to him for not believing him and then relished in the attention she received from him "taking care" of her.

 

I have no idea, I just would not be surprised.

 

I hope I'm wrong though.

[akrngrl]

I try to never have regrets. It's all a journey, one big learning experience and if one leaves before being emotionally ready, they often end up second guessing wondering if they did the right thing.

 

I truly believe some relationships are like addictions and you have to reach rock bottom, the bottom of the barrel, before you're finally ready to leave..

 

Here, the lack of full disclosure is telling.

 

I would not even be surprised if akr apologized to him for not believing him and then relished in the attention she received from him "taking care" of her.

 

I have no idea, I just would not be surprised.

 

I hope I'm wrong though.

 

Hey Kat!

 

I agree, and that’s kind of how I’ve been feeling this is-an addiction for lack of a better term. I do feel a little of that gaslighting that East mentioned. Problem is I was so happy with myself before he came into the picture and honestly for the two months we were first dating. I can’t find the crack in the foundation within myself that let this happen.

 

That was my full disclosure though, nothing was brought up of it again. The next day was more of the same of him being his normal sweet self before I was ready to head off. I don’t know that I relished in it, but I didn’t fight it. I kept everything as status quo and even accepted to offer to come out again (I figured I could always cancel, but probably in the moment I was excited.) I kind of left everything as is so I could get home and get better. Realistically I knew that bringing it up again wasn’t going to get me anywhere-so I guess, for the time being, I bought into it.

 

I needed to be away from his influence and now that I’m feeling a bit better (health wise) and getting that distance-nothing has changed. Sure he’s not on the apps anymore, but that wasn’t my intention going in. He’s still a liar, like I said he claimed first he hadn’t been on there and then that he accidentally opened the app and it must have made him active again. Neither of those are actual things and plus I have the updated pic and bio still that I never brought up because, well I don’t know exactly-I think I was afraid to bring that up given his reaction to everything else.

 

I’m ashamed/was afraid to post because I built myself up for this and I’ve worked so hard over the last few years to NOT be the person I am being. I used to be like this (although, I don’t even think to this extreme way back then) and to see myself back here and almost worse is crushing-like all that work was for nothing.

 

I don’t know why the reaction he had affected me like it did. I’ve dated countless men over the last few years and have nexted them no problem. I think I’m trying to figure that out because I don’t want another guy to be able to come in and do the same thing. I can’t tell if it was his refusal to engage, the stark difference between how he used to make me feel or maybe he’s dangling just enough, but something kept me from my normal middle finger and storm out self and I don’t know why.

 

I think part of my problem too is that I panic that things are my fault. On more than one occasion last week, when he didn’t text me, I freaked out thinking “what if he’s ghosting me because he found the forum and read everything and figured out it was me talking about him??” Then when that’s not the case, it’s like such a sigh of relief that I don’t even acknowledge that he’s demonstrating cra**y behavior-I’m just glad it wasn’t because of me. It’s like that’s when my own sleuthing AND/or chatting about him bites me in the butt. I’m so glad to get feedback and have the knowledge I have, but then I freak out that he’s figured that out. Normally my motto has been “if I have to question, I’m out” and all my self reflection isn’t pointing to any reason why this situation should be different.

[Wiseman2]

This dude and all and any analysis of him, his behavior, this interaction, the whole situation is only a distraction to avoid all the dark corners of your life, feelings, thoughts, moods, anxieties and whatever else goes on.

 

He is like a mirror. Merely a reflection upon which all these conflicting thoughts, feelings, etc are played out. You can continue this by seeing him and perpetuating the soap opera/reality tv like distraction it generates, but it will keep repeating itself because you are driving it no matter who you are with.

 

For example in this brief post alone, one sentence states you were so happy before him and where are the cracks, then state that this has plagued you for a long time and you used to always be like this and have worked hard to not be who you are. Sure you can hide behind any type of guy and create all sorts of entertaining drama in your mind blaming them for this or that but is that who you really want to be?

-I was so happy with myself before he came into the picture and honestly for the two months we were first dating.

 

-I can’t find the crack in the foundation within myself that let this happen.

 

-I kept everything as status quo and even accepted to offer to come out again

-I’ve worked so hard over the last few years to NOT be the person I am being.

 

-I used to be like this and to see myself back here and almost worse is crushing-like all that work was for nothing.

 

-On more than one occasion last week, when he didn’t text me, I freaked out thinking “what if he’s ghosting me because he found the forum and read everything and figured out it was me talking about him??”

[akrngrl]

This dude and all and any analysis of him, his behavior, this interaction, the whole situation is only a distraction to avoid all the dark corners of your life, feelings, thoughts, moods, anxieties and whatever else goes on.

 

He is like a mirror. Merely a reflection upon which all these conflicting thoughts, feelings, etc are played out. You can continue this by seeing him and perpetuating the soap opera/reality tv like distraction it generates, but it will keep repeating itself because you are driving it no matter who you are with.

 

For example in this brief post alone, one sentence states you were so happy before him and where are the cracks, then state that this has plagued you for a long time and you used to always be like this and have worked hard to not be who you are. Sure you can hide behind any type of guy and create all sorts of entertaining drama in your mind blaming them for this or that but is that who you really want to be?

 

No it’s not who I want to be. What I’m trying to figure out though is why, if these things are present, HE has been able to make them surface. What are these dark areas that no other dating arrangement or boyfriend has shown me in the last few years?

 

I was happy in my life before I met him. I had accepted being single, having a good time, not hunting for a man and everything was great-any guy was the icing on the cake if there was one and once they weren’t-I was gone. Years worth of work went into getting to that point and I’d been successfully navigating that for what felt like quite some time (or at least through 30-40 “dating” experiences).

 

I didn’t put up with shady behavior, if you didn’t match my future I politely declined, etc. There were plenty of great guys that I felt like I did or could have clicked with, but at the end of the day it just didn’t all line up. He left or I left and I was all the better. Heck, I even got ghosted once by I guy I really thought I liked and it didn’t bother me for more than the day I was waiting for a text back.

 

Hence why I can’t figure out what might be going on beneath the surface that has me like this over this current dating. The paranoia of him finding things out (like my posts here, etc) while not impossible are largely irrational with very low odds. Aside from how great he is when we are together (up until his reaction to me blowing up his spot) he’s no real different than any other guy I’ve been like “thanks but no thanks” to.

[Batya33]

I've never wished I'd stayed in a bad or unsatisfactory relationship longer, but I have regretted not leaving sooner.

 

Same. I can't for myself chalk up everything to "learning experience" and I loved the Dixie Chicks "taking the long way around" because I did. I regretted not leaving my ex boyfriend sooner because it hurt both of us -but hurt him too which wasn't right (I mean he is an adult and always could have left - he knew that and chose to stay, but still). It all worked out "in the end" but there are things I said and did -certainly not limited to romance! -that I regret, that I wonder what I was thinking. Luckily nothing at a level of trauma, etc but enough that I still cringe, and yes regret. And yes a lot of it is a journey. I personally wouldn't grow if I gave myself too much of a pass and it's a real challenge between "journey" and unnecessarily beating myself up. And that's probably typical!

[Batya33]

No it’s not who I want to be. What I’m trying to figure out though is why, if these things are present, HE has been able to make them surface. What are these dark areas that no other dating arrangement or boyfriend has shown me in the last few years?

 

I was happy in my life before I met him. I had accepted being single, having a good time, not hunting for a man and everything was great-any guy was the icing on the cake if there was one and once they weren’t-I was gone. Years worth of work went into getting to that point and I’d been successfully navigating that for what felt like quite some time (or at least through 30-40 “dating” experiences).

 

I didn’t put up with shady behavior, if you didn’t match my future I politely declined, etc. There were plenty of great guys that I felt like I did or could have clicked with, but at the end of the day it just didn’t all line up. He left or I left and I was all the better. Heck, I even got ghosted once by I guy I really thought I liked and it didn’t bother me for more than the day I was waiting for a text back.

 

Hence why I can’t figure out what might be going on beneath the surface that has me like this over this current dating. The paranoia of him finding things out (like my posts here, etc) while not impossible are largely irrational with very low odds. Aside from how great he is when we are together (up until his reaction to me blowing up his spot) he’s no real different than any other guy I’ve been like “thanks but no thanks” to.

 

But seriously who cares in a way why this guy and not the others -because I think you're using it as an excuse to hold on "well I have to figure this out" leads to you thinking about him specifically more and then you "just won't be able to help" responding to his text or an invitation for "closure -i.e. telling yourself if you see him one more time and talk things out you'll get closure -and then you're off to the races again. I can't tell you why I had a really strong craving for a specific kind of cake at the store that I honestly don't love that much so I resisted a few times and gave in this past Sunday even though it was irrational -made no sense because of what I usually go for in cake. Honestly it's no different - meaning, don't tell yourself it's any different -resist the temptation to indulge in psychobabble about this person. You're not going to get to anything because it's pretty simple - he had a pull over you -we don't always know why -part of it was likely the challenge and drama of the bad boy, the liar - and it will work itself out in the periphery of your mind and likely when you meet someone who treats you with respect and like a lady and you actually feel that click you'll probably have that aha moment "oh this is what it's like to feel that way'

 

(on the cake - the analogy isn't perfect because I am "lasting it" as I tell my son to do with treats -a little at a time, shared a little with my son, shamelessly told my husband since it's only 2 small slices - "oh you didn't really like that cake last time but you know help yourself" - so it's not like where you might go see him and stay over and have sex -i.e. eat the entire cake in one sitting).

[akrngrl]

But seriously who cares in a way why this guy and not the others -because I think you're using it as an excuse to hold on "well I have to figure this out" leads to you thinking about him specifically more and then you "just won't be able to help" responding to his text or an invitation for "closure -i.e. telling yourself if you see him one more time and talk things out you'll get closure -and then you're off to the races again. I can't tell you why I had a really strong craving for a specific kind of cake at the store that I honestly don't love that much so I resisted a few times and gave in this past Sunday even though it was irrational -made no sense because of what I usually go for in cake. Honestly it's no different - meaning, don't tell yourself it's any different -resist the temptation to indulge in psychobabble about this person. You're not going to get to anything because it's pretty simple - he had a pull over you -we don't always know why -part of it was likely the challenge and drama of the bad boy, the liar - and it will work itself out in the periphery of your mind and likely when you meet someone who treats you with respect and like a lady and you actually feel that click you'll probably have that aha moment "oh this is what it's like to feel that way'

 

(on the cake - the analogy isn't perfect because I am "lasting it" as I tell my son to do with treats -a little at a time, shared a little with my son, shamelessly told my husband since it's only 2 small slices - "oh you didn't really like that cake last time but you know help yourself" - so it's not like where you might go see him and stay over and have sex -i.e. eat the entire cake in one sitting).

 

Haha Bat, the cake analogy made me chuckle, but I’m also the person who eats the whole cake in one sitting [emoji23].

 

I guess I never looked at it that way. I just assumed that people who were strong in themselves didn’t ever fall for stuff like this. They got over their demons and they didn’t allow anyone to bring them back up.

 

Granted I’m still trying to figure out what those demons are. Maybe it was because I went in so nonchalantly at the beginning and was pleasantly surprised for once. I thought it was something I could get to the bottom of within myself, but perhaps you’re right in that I might never know.

 

I’m very frustrated that I’ve allowed this to happen. Not even right now, but the whole last month when I REALLY cared. I’m trying very hard to look at it as a learning experience rather than just a waste of my time. While I do think I’ve found some interesting things about myself, I wish it could have happened without all the nonsense.

 

I honestly never considered him a bad boy or a liar (well he’s a liar now haha), but there has been the undercurrent this whole time of me feeling inadequate. Not one that got me day to day, but I distinctly remember telling my guy friend early on “oh he probably just wants to try to get me in bed. No way a guy of his caliber would actively choose someone like me.” So everything he’s done that disproved that slowly but surely made me think “wow maybe this has a real chance”.

 

I don’t know why I think/thought he’s better than I am. We have the same level of education (which is rare in my area) and yeah I see him as worldly and intelligent because he’s been all over, but that life had never appealed to me. These days everyone “loves to travel” and I always swiped left on those profiles or if it came up in conversation I always lightheartedly responded “oh yeah I like to travel...from the couch to the fridge for snacks.”

[figureitout23]

It’s not just him though AKN you’ve let men do this for a while according to your other posts. Granted it’s been a while since your last posts the issue of sleeping with a man and THEN wanting exclusivity has been a theme in your posts since 2013 ( I seriously suggest you go back and reread your words)so even though you say you’re stronger, this isn’t how you normally do things, it must be this it must be that. this seems to be how you’ve always been in your relationships with men. Is there a deeper issue causing it? Most likely. But that doesn’t excuse you staying.

[bluecastle]

It sounds to me like you've just really struggled, and continue to struggle, to be honest with yourself about this for a long time. And by "this" I mean two things: 1. Honest about this whole thing with him. 2. Honest with yourself about how "happy" you really were before meeting him.

 

By your fourth date he was already triggering a suspicious side in you. He mentioned seeing "friends" and you wondered if that was code for "other dates/women." You were already analyzing his various profiles for a clue to what he wanted, while being scared to have a straightforward conversation with him about his wants. This edginess continued on to date seven, when you hoped you'd see if you could extract just a little something more from him to breathe deeply.

 

In other words, the dynamic you are now trying to "figure out," the one that mysteriously seems to have crept up out of nowhere, was right there after three dates. The foundation was the crack in the foundation.

 

I'm sorry to be blunt, but none of that strikes my eyes as "so happy," which is how you described that first month. Nor does leaning into all that anxiety for two more months strike me as the behavior of someone "happy" being single.

 

What it does strike me as is someone who really, really wants to be "so happy"—in general, in dating—but who has some serious self-esteem, anxiety, and paranoia issues that need to be sorted out. Those dark corners Wiseman mentioned.

 

I think in him you saw—and still sort of see—the potential stepping stone to that phantom bliss when in reality he has long been the opposite: a miner of your dark corners. Since he checked off so many of the potential "so happy" boxes you started bending and accommodating to color in the happy that wasn't really there. And so basically out of the gates you trained yourself to be "comfortable" in never feeling truly comfortable. Probably because, as FiO pointed out, this might be closer to a default setting with men who compel you (who have that "pull") than the exception. Somewhere along the way you have been conditioned to feel certain emotions—fear, anxiety, paranoia, a lack of self worth—and read them as "positive" and "special" and "meaningful."

 

At the end of the day, when it comes to dating, be it something short or something serious, we are all basically looking for the same exact thing: something that excites the F out of us, while also making as feel safe AF. That's going to come in different packages for different people, and it's rare. In fact, it's rare to meet someone who triggers even one of those two needs. Hence people stay in hot, sexy things that are totally toxic, as well as boring, complacent things that are totally soul-numbing.

 

What makes this guy different than the others is that he excited the F out of you. It's not mysterious. It's hope and hormones and humanity. But in that excitement you basically stopped looking at the safety radar—because I think it needed, and needs, some repairing. If it was working well before you met him you would have either bounced after those three dates, or you wouldn't have been posting about them because you felt safe enough inside that discomfort.

 

That, perhaps more than anything, is the lesson I'd be leaning into now, which means leaning away from this whole thing. He has helped you see some darker corners that need attention—great. Now stop focusing on him, and his darkness, so you can address your own.

[Batya33]

Haha Bat, the cake analogy made me chuckle, but I’m also the person who eats the whole cake in one sitting [emoji23].

 

I guess I never looked at it that way. I just assumed that people who were strong in themselves didn’t ever fall for stuff like this. They got over their demons and they didn’t allow anyone to bring them back up.

 

Granted I’m still trying to figure out what those demons are. Maybe it was because I went in so nonchalantly at the beginning and was pleasantly surprised for once. I thought it was something I could get to the bottom of within myself, but perhaps you’re right in that I might never know.

 

I’m very frustrated that I’ve allowed this to happen. Not even right now, but the whole last month when I REALLY cared. I’m trying very hard to look at it as a learning experience rather than just a waste of my time. While I do think I’ve found some interesting things about myself, I wish it could have happened without all the nonsense.

 

I honestly never considered him a bad boy or a liar (well he’s a liar now haha), but there has been the undercurrent this whole time of me feeling inadequate. Not one that got me day to day, but I distinctly remember telling my guy friend early on “oh he probably just wants to try to get me in bed. No way a guy of his caliber would actively choose someone like me.” So everything he’s done that disproved that slowly but surely made me think “wow maybe this has a real chance”.

 

I don’t know why I think/thought he’s better than I am. We have the same level of education (which is rare in my area) and yeah I see him as worldly and intelligent because he’s been all over, but that life had never appealed to me. These days everyone “loves to travel” and I always swiped left on those profiles or if it came up in conversation I always lightheartedly responded “oh yeah I like to travel...from the couch to the fridge for snacks.”

 

I get that some self-analysis will help you - of course! -just not focused specifically on this person with the temptation of maybe getting him back.

 

(just fyi -the cake is made with nutella, which I love, but also a cream cheese frosting and chocolate cake - so the combo of course is good just not my usual -and yet I had to have it - and yes I had that kind of experience with certain men who were so far from my type it was ridiculous and yet.... and often it was that element of elusiveness - I know, nutella is far from elusive so in that sense - analogy fail....)

[figureitout23]

Well said BC can’t rep you.

[East4]

But seriously who cares in a way why this guy and not the others -because I think you're using it as an excuse to hold on "well I have to figure this out" leads to you thinking about him specifically more and then you "just won't be able to help" responding to his text or an invitation for "closure -i.e. telling yourself if you see him one more time and talk things out you'll get closure -and then you're off to the races again.

 

Agree that it sounds like an excuse to keep this last guy on a sort of piédestal and continue to engage him. And it is not true that he was the only who acted as a mirror to you to get in touch with some unresolved questions in your way of life. I came across a thread of yours from January 2018, entitled with the very telling title "Questioning Myself" https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=546686 in which you were talking about a dating experience with another person and how this person made you question your resolve of not having children. So, you see this last guy is not so unique.

 

From reading through your threads, it is my impression that you are experiencing growing pains. To clarify, it seems to me that although you were feeling secure and sheltered in your lifestyle of ferociously independent, busy, yet recluse young woman, you got to experience things with some men that made you think that you have outgrown your old structure of life. This guy from January 2018 made you realise that you cannot actually explain where your firm resolve to not having children comes from. This was the subject of discussion of this thread. This current guy made you experience the unfathomable before realisation that yes, people may like you and stay with you even if you are having a panic attack. That you are likeable and lovable even while you are shaking and sweating. That you need not be perfect to be accepted by a man. That you are good with all your imperfections. I think these are some new réalisations for you. You savored them with this new guy and you want more and more of the nectar… too bad this guy has a shady side to him. He is like a magician who showed you an image of a life that you may have, but what he showed you is just the image of this life possibility, not the life possibility itself. He showed you the movie of a happy life, but it is just a movie. At least now you know that you could be perfect for a man without being perfect.

 

 

But as I said, this guy cannot fulfill you, because he has decided a different movie for himself. He'd like to project the image of the righteous man, the good cop, while in the same time being a player.

 

 

Do not forget that people from 28 to 30 year old experience their First Life Crisis, which in a nutshell means outgrowing the old shell and evolving into a more authentic self. The process is almost always poignant and involves destruction of the old structure of life to clear the place for a new personality. You can google "First Life Crisis".

[Batya33]

"Do not forget that people from 28 to 30 year old experience their First Life Crisis, which in a nutshell means outgrowing the old shell and evolving into a more authentic self. The process is almost always poignant and involves destruction of the old structure of life to clear the place for a new personality. You can google "First Life Crisis"."

 

I find that Facebook allows all those labels and categories to proliferate and they're mostly made up/fabricated (In my world it's like the "sleep regression" label which is supposed to describe certain times of an infant/baby's life when it stops sleeping normally -I'm so glad I didn't know about that when my child was an infant/baby and neither did he apparently -he slept well and since I didn't know about that I also didn't spend $$$ on "sleep consultants" and sleep training systems (other than a few books which were great) -just like this so-called "first life crisis" - it's fabricated on social media and then life coaches tout their expertise in helping with "first life crisis". I do think there are awesome life coaches out there. I also think there are many who have questionable certification and feed off all those kinds of labels.

 

I'm 52. No I didn't have a first, second or third "life crisis" -neither did my husband -he is 52. My sister who is in her mid 50s had lots of revelations and aha moments after her divorce in her 40s, I had many in my late 30s when I re-connected with my now husband. I don't think it's helpful to put people in boxes that way especially the whole "life crisis" kind of thing. Kind of like the whole notion of the "7 year itch" in marriage (didn't go through that either). It might be a pleasant distraction for her to google it as long as that's all it is - in her case I suspect it would be another way for her to justify getting back in her head about "what went wrong and maybe if I did x/y/z I'd still be with him".

[East4]

I was referring to psychological research, not to Facebook publications. Humans are subject to life cycles like all beings.

 

http://eprints.bbk.ac.uk/6706/2/6706.pdf

[East4]

An excerpt from the publication of the Department of Psychology and Counceling of the University of Greenwich, UK. The bolded part explains why some people may feel the transition in a less pronounced way. But the transition still occurs. I hope this helps.

 

The person-environment matrix is stabilized at any point during development by way of a life

structure (Levinson, 1986). A life structure is a developmentally-achieved integration of internal

structures such as values, goals and beliefs, allied to external structures such as roles, commitments,

relationships and activities. Over the course of adulthood, a person will move between periods during

which a life structure is stable and periods of transition when it is less so. Crises are emotionally

volatile, stress-inducing, time-limited episodes during which a person moves out of an existing life

structure and towards a new one (Caplan, 1964; Slaikeu, 1990). Not all major life structure transitions

will be crises – the word conveys those that are recognized as exceptionally stressful and

retrospectively viewed as being major turning points (Wethington, Kessler & Pixley, 2004). They are

all-consuming events that occur at multiple levels: at the physical level a person may experience

major changes in physical location and biological symptoms of stress; at the psychological level a

person may question their own beliefs or sense of self, at the interpersonal level, crises frequently

involve changes in roles and relationships; and at the socio-cultural level, crises often involve a re

evaluation of social roles, social identity and social norms (Robinson & Smith, 2008).

[akrngrl]

I can understand everyone’s input and I really really appreciate it. I’ve spent much of today reading things and trying to get inside myself and see why I’ve allowed this in my life and also why I’m struggling so much with letting go.

 

I’ve had my pity party moments and my moments of “get it together”. I know I do tend to hang on to things for way too long and I’m working at trying to be better.

 

It seems so simple. If I was a friend giving advice it would be open and shut. You all here can see it and even I can see it and yet I’m paralyzed with fear.

 

Lots of shame and embarrassment today. Lots of trying to focus on things in the here and now and not how things used to be. Lots of me screaming at myself that he lied to my face.

 

It’s like I can’t get over the hump to actually end it. I wouldn’t even know how to end it-phone? Text message? We barely speak during the week anymore. He texted me yesterday and I answered (there was a question) and he took 16 hours and responded this morning. It was concluding the text from yesterday so it didn’t warrant a response from me so we haven’t spoken today.

 

Wondering if I should just wait it out and see if I don’t hear from him. I don’t know why this scares me so much.

 

I also owe him nothing, but the nice part of me feels sad that I won’t be congratulating him on completing his program, etc. I don’t even know what it matters to me. I also, again feel like a jerk to not cancel the plans for this weekend, though I don’t know what to say right now and I’m sure if we stopped speaking all week he likely wouldn’t expect me.

 

This is just me typing out all the feelings going on in my head.

 

I’m afraid I’m going to keep being sad after all of this and I realistically don’t know how much more crying I can take. I feel so utterly ridiculous, even more so because I know what ultimately needs to be done and I’m too scared to pull the trigger so to speak.

[akrngrl]

I can understand everyone’s input and I really really appreciate it. I’ve spent much of today reading things and trying to get inside myself and see why I’ve allowed this in my life and also why I’m struggling so much with letting go.

 

I’ve had my pity party moments and my moments of “get it together”. I know I do tend to hang on to things for way too long and I’m working at trying to be better.

 

It seems so simple. If I was a friend giving advice it would be open and shut. You all here can see it and even I can see it and yet I’m paralyzed with fear.

 

Lots of shame and embarrassment today. Lots of trying to focus on things in the here and now and not how things used to be. Lots of me screaming at myself that he lied to my face.

 

It’s like I can’t get over the hump to actually end it. I wouldn’t even know how to end it-phone? Text message? We barely speak during the week anymore. He texted me yesterday and I answered (there was a question) and he took 16 hours and responded this morning. It was concluding the text from yesterday so it didn’t warrant a response from me so we haven’t spoken today.

 

Wondering if I should just wait it out and see if I don’t hear from him. I don’t know why this scares me so much.

 

I also owe him nothing, but the nice part of me feels sad that I won’t be congratulating him on completing his program, etc. I don’t even know what it matters to me. I also, again feel like a jerk to not cancel the plans for this weekend, though I don’t know what to say right now and I’m sure if we stopped speaking all week he likely wouldn’t expect me.

 

This is just me typing out all the feelings going on in my head.

 

I’m afraid I’m going to keep being sad after all of this and I realistically don’t know how much more crying I can take. I feel so utterly ridiculous, even more so because I know what ultimately needs to be done and I’m too scared to pull the trigger so to speak.

 

ETA: not hearing from him doesn’t scare me, just being in this state of uncertainty. I just wanted to clarify lol. I’m all over the place.

[akrngrl]

ETA: not hearing from him doesn’t scare me, just being in this state of uncertainty. I just wanted to clarify lol. I’m all over the place.

 

ETA again: not uncertainty about the situation itself but how to go about communicating my thoughts and feelings and getting that distance/to the end. Good gosh I’m bad and typing right now.