Not Quite How I Wanted to Come Back

[akrngrl]

Yes it will take a second to make sense of everything and see through the fog of hurt and anger. Allow yourself time.

 

It’s hard to be objective when feelings are involved and honestly from what I’ve seen you haven’t been objective at all with him thus far, nows the time to start.

 

You keep pushing this agreement. We had an agreement, we had an agreement. I hear you, I do and I’m the last person to judge anyone situations, label how you want. define it how you choose, it’s your life,

live it. BUT again objectively he clearly did not put as much emphasis on the agreement as you did. That where this whole thing falls apart. He isn’t and hasn’t been on the same page as you are.

 

I’m going to assume you two are sexually active again.

 

If nothing else while you go through your process I’d stop.

 

It’ll help you see past your emotions a bit more and you need to take your sexual health into account here.

 

I think I said it in your other thread a man who travels and has a girlfriend at every port, it’s a stereotype for a reason. It happens men and women do this. That’s why most are weary of dating people ‘in town for a few weeks let’s see what happens’ types. When I did do online dating, I couldn’t run far enough away from those types, not because I thought they were bad people but the opportunity to build something wasn’t that here’s and the risk of getting hurt was high because they weren’t local. You keep putting the responsibility to tell you what’s up on him but the facts are all there for you to decide for yourself:

 

Travels a lot.

Won’t commit.

Keep catching him on dating sites.

Takes you one dates and you have a great time.

Invites you on fun weekends away.

Genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

You’re anxious all the time.

You’re ‘mommying him’ by constantly checking to ensure he’s following the rules of your non defined long distance situation.

He’s sweet and caring.

You don’t trust him.

 

Once the fog clears, look at the raw facts. There’s good and there’s bad here but as you’ve been told as nauseam you’re either ok with all this or you aren’t.

 

I agree FIO and I think I’m feeling regretful now that I listened to what he said even though it matched with his actions. For awhile he had me fooled that he was holding to our agreement and maybe he was, but he isn’t now.

 

I just figured he respected me enough as a person to hold to what we said about letting the other know if we wanted to see other people.

 

I think I mostly feel disrespected...and betrayed. And i think I keep harping on the agreement we had in a way to process all of this, to ensure that I wasn’t crazy or making it up in my head because that’s my inner dialogue: “did we not say this? No we did, we had parameters. Even still he didn’t even want to be affiliated with the dating apps, okay you’re not crazy, you’re allowed to be shocked and hurt”.

 

And again, he’s still talking about when he’s back this summer and how excited he is and I verbatim said “we’re either doing this the whole time or not at all, I’m not going to be your state of __________ hookup.” And all he ever has done was assure me that he’s not like that and he can’t handle that and he’s not looking for anyone else and wants to work through his mental blocks to be with me.

 

Frankly, it’s exhausting to feel all these emotional extremes so quickly, but mostly I just feel stupid underneath it all. I’m better than this and I’m a sure spotter for bs and yet here I am.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he would like a girl in every port, so to speak, so when he's there he's all there and when he's not there, he's not. Of course he has to do some "maintenance" texts and dates in between.

 

This is about you, not him. It's up to you to decide if a nebulous long distance thing is something worth your time and energy.

[akrngrl]

 

ETA: Look to be fair you also need to pull up your big girl panties and decide why youre dating yourself. ‘I’m not sure But I’ll know when I see’ is a guaranteed way to get your heart broken. Dating with boundaries and intentions isn’t only smart but it keeps you emotionally safe. Even if your dating goal is to just go out and eat and hang and enjoy each others company know your desires when you go looking, otherwise you’re a sitting duck for men who will say what a woman wants to hear to get in her pants. Not saying that’s what this guys doing but you know what not saying it isn’t either...

 

You’re right. And right now I can’t put my finger on it. I mean I was dating to find a husband haha, but my friend had challenged me to a week of saying yes. I was making it “too business-like” and taking the fun out of dating. I was also having like a handful of dates lined up and cancelling more than half because of incompatibilities that arose through texting. So the challenge was to meet people that met my basic requirements and learn about them as I go rather than grill it from the get go.

 

Ironically the ONLY reason I said yes to him initially was because he was in my town and I lined the date up to be after I ran my weekend errands. Even after a great time, I figured it was a one off, but he kept pursuing me and he was so good at setting up dates and remembering places I had mentioned in convo and taking me there that I was surprised and I fell for it.

 

Trust me, I thought it was a chance too about getting in my pants, but I waited a month and a half and even had the sexually exclusive convo the week before anything went down just to make sure hormones weren’t faking us being on the same page. He was a champ. Even through the last month of me not being okay with intimacy because of our state. Still was super respectful.

 

Honestly this has shaken me way worse than most because of the dishonestly in comparison to how he presents himself to me. Not even sure how I’d begin to rebuild my trust in people.

[akrngrl]

It sounds like he would like a girl in every port, so to speak, so when he's there he's all there and when he's not there, he's not. Of course he has to do some "maintenance" texts and dates in between.

 

This is about you, not him. It's up to you to decide if a nebulous long distance thing is something worth your time and energy.

 

That does seem what it’s like wiseman and I’m wondering if anything he told me is the truth.

 

Not okay with being one of many especially since I’m not balancing more than him.

[boltnrun]

I dated a guy who was a bit like this man.

 

He told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. In fact, the words he used were "I'd never CHEAT on you!!" (Cheat??)

 

After we stopped dating (my decision), he admitted he had, in fact, been sleeping with others. He didn't want me to know because then I'd stop sleeping with him.

 

This man also pursued me, we had hours long conversations, we spent a lot of time together going places and doing things. But when we weren't together (we were semi-long distance, about 2 1/2 hours apart and yes, he pursued me strongly to date), he was sleeping with others and not telling me.

 

The reason we stopped dating is because he had started spending less and less time with me. Communication slowed down, he went from spending every weekend with me to every 4-5 weeks or so and only late Saturday evening until early Sunday morning (booty call, essentially, except it was planned ahead) and I was tired of it. Turns out, he was LIVING WITH another woman and was telling her he was out of town working on the weekends he spent with me.

 

And again, this man gave me A LOT of attention.

 

So yeah, it can happen. Some people justify their behavior by saying they don't have the "official" couple titles (sound familiar?) or they don't want to be so serious or whatever.

 

I just didn't think he was worth me hoping he'd set aside time to spend with me. It became stressful, anxiety-inducing and just plain no fun.

 

I would say be prepared for him to say just enough of what you want to hear to keep this situation going. I mean, it's a win-win for him, right?

 

PS: I find it interesting that you feel "compassion" for him. Do you truly think he's this poor struggling soul who is trying desperately to figure out what he wants from life and relationships?

[akrngrl]

I dated a guy who was a bit like this man.

 

He told me he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. In fact, the words he used were "I'd never CHEAT on you!!" (Cheat??)

 

After we stopped dating (my decision), he admitted he had, in fact, been sleeping with others. He didn't want me to know because then I'd stop sleeping with him.

 

This man also pursued me, we had hours long conversations, we spent a lot of time together going places and doing things. But when we weren't together (we were semi-long distance, about 2 1/2 hours apart and yes, he pursued me strongly to date), he was sleeping with others and not telling me.

 

The reason we stopped dating is because he had started spending less and less time with me. Communication slowed down, he went from spending every weekend with me to every 4-5 weeks or so and only late Saturday evening until early Sunday morning (booty call, essentially, except it was planned ahead) and I was tired of it. Turns out, he was LIVING WITH another woman and was telling her he was out of town working on the weekends he spent with me.

 

And again, this man gave me A LOT of attention.

 

So yeah, it can happen. Some people justify their behavior by saying they don't have the "official" couple titles (sound familiar?) or they don't want to be so serious or whatever.

 

I just didn't think he was worth me hoping he'd set aside time to spend with me. It became stressful, anxiety-inducing and just plain no fun.

 

I would say be prepared for him to say just enough of what you want to hear to keep this situation going. I mean, it's a win-win for him, right?

 

PS: I find it interesting that you feel "compassion" for him. Do you truly think he's this poor struggling soul who is trying desperately to figure out what he wants from life and relationships?

 

This sounds very similar!

 

Short of him finding my old tinder profile now because I checked on there too and he came up (aka he thinks I’m being deceptive and I think he’s being deceptive) I can’t see him saying anything that would work. Also, I don’t think this is the case lol so I’m not that in denial.

 

No, I don’t think I really have compassion. And I know it’s against everyone’s advice ever (and even mine) but I’m periodically checking his location on the one app that my friend texted me. It helps a lot though. It not only reminds me of what he’s done to keep me mad and not hollow, but for timeline purposes. He updated it with new pics and a tweaked bio this morning so any chance of him claiming it’s an accident is now gone. I’m interested to see if he turns it off tomorrow when I’m on my way to him or if he’ll be hiding his phone.

 

I say this because I’m a sucker apparently (I know myself) and any teeny shred of doubt he can create I would take it and accept. This way as he’s telling me he’s not on or whatever I can rest assured knowing that he’s lying to my face.

 

He’s acting like an angel as usual, flirting and sending kiss faces. He even wants me to come over much earlier than I thought.

 

I’m mirroring him because I’ve decided I need to go. I mean I want to have fun, but I need to do this face to face. My weekend is going to be crummy regardless processing this so I figure I may as well call it out in person. I haven’t exactly figured out the logistics of it yet because it seems strange to just bring up out of nowhere. My friend offered to text me again and basically have a re-enactment of last night when it originally happened.

 

My other friend had one good point: it’s hard to let go of someone that you have FUN with. And she’s so right. Above all else we have/had fun, we went out, we experienced things and we had all these ideas that we were excited about.

 

Then she also said she things he really genuinely likes me, but is greedy and he got scared of his feelings and he’s acting out. I walked out after that because I can’t make this work unless I see him as anything other than a lying (or information omitting) jerk.

 

Part of me is also genuinely curious about how that all plays out in a person’s head. Not just him, but anyone. That plays into why I’m so fascinated by everyone’s different responses on here. I’m just like “oh wow never thought of it like that”.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry this happened -I had something somewhat similar -seeing the guy on a dating site, etc and it's like a punch in the stomach. I agree with FIO and Catfeeder- please don't indulge in self-analysis to justify sticking around -do that after you cut the cord and if it helps you figure out why you stuck around (meaning why you were so dismissive about the "title" or "label" and why you weren't honest with yourself about what you really wanted). He lied - i don't care if you were committed -he specifically promised not to be on dating sites and he is - who cares whether you two were serious or not -a promise is a promise. Who cares if he got scared and acted out? Let him tell that to a therapist - that's not your role to accommodate being lied to because he "got scared". He can feel scared and keep his promise or he can end things first if he's so "scared" he wants to go out and shop on the dating site.

 

Yes, you had fun and you had fun chatting, bantering, dreaming. It's not going to feel fun anymore because he's not trustworthy. The fun will be tainted.

 

As far as how it plays out in his head -who knows -maybe it didn't play out at all - he felt like going on the dating site one night, so he did. The end. It can be as simple as that. Again I'm really sorry you found out in the way you did and yes I think part of the issue here was you not sticking to your values and goals and dating him without the "title" and telling yourself it was enough. I think that's why it bothers you as much as it does (and yes being lied to sucks but I think you also lied to yourself).

 

You will find a good match!

[milly007]

I agree that it’s hard to let go of someone you’re having fun with. It’s even more difficult to let go of someone you’re not only having fun with, but who you had genuine feelings for and trusted. After all this time you’ve spent together (and not spent together), you’ve built an image in your mind of the type of person you thought he was. Now that you’re seeing this other, deceptive side of him, it’s probably not computing because it doesn’t fit in with this image of who you thought he was. It’ll take time to absorb anyway because what happened recently is still fresh and raw.

 

Also, maybe I’m just being overly anal here, but did you take screenshots of the app (i.e. - the newly added pictures and revised bio)? Not that you’d have to refer to them when you see him, but wouldn’t they be nice to have, pending whatever story or explanation he comes up with when you confront him?

 

Brace yourself if he tries to rely on the, ‘I just look at the app out of boredom. I’m not actually intending on meeting anyone’ excuse 🙄.

 

Also, I don’t doubt he has feelings for you, akrngrl, but I get the impression he’s one of these guys that just likes the natural high that comes with serial dating and the attention that comes with online dating/apps.

 

The added bonus for him is the security he has with you, which feels like an exclusive, committed relationship, but without the label.

 

This guy wants to have his cake and eat it, too - Best of both worlds.

 

Please let us know how everything goes, akrngrl, and safe travels to you.

[figureitout23]

This sounds very similar!

 

Short of him finding my old tinder profile now because I checked on there too and he came up (aka he thinks I’m being deceptive and I think he’s being deceptive) I can’t see him saying anything that would work. Also, I don’t think this is the case lol so I’m not that in denial.

 

No, I don’t think I really have compassion. And I know it’s against everyone’s advice ever (and even mine) but I’m periodically checking his location on the one app that my friend texted me. It helps a lot though. It not only reminds me of what he’s done to keep me mad and not hollow, but for timeline purposes. He updated it with new pics and a tweaked bio this morning so any chance of him claiming it’s an accident is now gone. I’m interested to see if he turns it off tomorrow when I’m on my way to him or if he’ll be hiding his phone.

 

I say this because I’m a sucker apparently (I know myself) and any teeny shred of doubt he can create I would take it and accept. This way as he’s telling me he’s not on or whatever I can rest assured knowing that he’s lying to my face.

 

He’s acting like an angel as usual, flirting and sending kiss faces. He even wants me to come over much earlier than I thought.

 

I’m mirroring him because I’ve decided I need to go. I mean I want to have fun, but I need to do this face to face. My weekend is going to be crummy regardless processing this so I figure I may as well call it out in person. I haven’t exactly figured out the logistics of it yet because it seems strange to just bring up out of nowhere. My friend offered to text me again and basically have a re-enactment of last night when it originally happened.

 

My other friend had one good point: it’s hard to let go of someone that you have FUN with. And she’s so right. Above all else we have/had fun, we went out, we experienced things and we had all these ideas that we were excited about.

 

Then she also said she things he really genuinely likes me, but is greedy and he got scared of his feelings and he’s acting out. I walked out after that because I can’t make this work unless I see him as anything other than a lying (or information omitting) jerk.

 

Part of me is also genuinely curious about how that all plays out in a person’s head. Not just him, but anyone. That plays into why I’m so fascinated by everyone’s different responses on here. I’m just like “oh wow never thought of it like that”.

 

So since youre choosing to go whats your escape plan?

 

Im serious.

 

If you're going to a different state (?) and he has the impression everything is hunky dory, I'd think the need for you having someplace to go is high, unless you are expecting him to convince you everything's on the up and up.

 

I totally get wanting to confront him in person, I just dont know how wise it is to do it while so far away from home.

 

Hey, if you know deep down youre gonna accept whatever explanation hes going to give you and you know deep down you arent going to walk away, you may as well not say anything and just enjoy your time. The fact that youre able to continue texting him lovey dovey stuff is telling to me, I really dont think you want this to end.

 

Its kinda like someone who quits smoking by taking up vaping. Theyre still putting nicotine in their body, theyve just dressed up the packaging and slowed down the cancer causing object.

 

I am really starting to think as long as he soothes your anxiety, you're ok. As long as you hear something that quiets that little voice that wants and needs more, you're able to go forward. If thats the case, its the case, it is your life and none of us have to live it but you.

 

For the MILLIONTH time, do you, but dont delude yourself, if youre ok with all this the... least painful road is one where you accept the facts as they are. You know without a shadow of doubt at this point he is back on the dating sites, theres no wiggle room this is a fact, you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

Again, I dont see how there is an inbetween, not at this point. So again I say, you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

ETA - Agree with Bat and Milly very much, I also think he cares about you, it just doesnt seem that hes on the same page and I agree fear, anxiety, secret agent, as appealing as 'fixer uppers' and 'broken souls' seem to be to some, " he couldnt commit to anyone until ME" talk about an ego boost right? As appealing as that might be, if the dude has issues to work through he shouldnt be dating and promising things to women. PERIOD. It not endearing, its selfish.

[akrngrl]

I'm sorry this happened -I had something somewhat similar -seeing the guy on a dating site, etc and it's like a punch in the stomach. I agree with FIO and Catfeeder- please don't indulge in self-analysis to justify sticking around -do that after you cut the cord and if it helps you figure out why you stuck around (meaning why you were so dismissive about the "title" or "label" and why you weren't honest with yourself about what you really wanted). He lied - i don't care if you were committed -he specifically promised not to be on dating sites and he is - who cares whether you two were serious or not -a promise is a promise. Who cares if he got scared and acted out? Let him tell that to a therapist - that's not your role to accommodate being lied to because he "got scared". He can feel scared and keep his promise or he can end things first if he's so "scared" he wants to go out and shop on the dating site.

 

Yes, you had fun and you had fun chatting, bantering, dreaming. It's not going to feel fun anymore because he's not trustworthy. The fun will be tainted.

 

As far as how it plays out in his head -who knows -maybe it didn't play out at all - he felt like going on the dating site one night, so he did. The end. It can be as simple as that. Again I'm really sorry you found out in the way you did and yes I think part of the issue here was you not sticking to your values and goals and dating him without the "title" and telling yourself it was enough. I think that's why it bothers you as much as it does (and yes being lied to sucks but I think you also lied to yourself).

 

You will find a good match!

 

Thank you Bat! That’s why I walked away-I was like “UHM no, he can be all of those things and still adhere to the agreement.”

 

Definitely tainted-I doubt I’d ever be able to let go of patrolling the sites.

 

It’s frustrating, and probably for another thread so I can dive into it, but I am genuinely glad I didn’t get that title. I don’t think that would have changed this situation to be honest. If anything I would probably have been more ignorant to the fact of this all going on because in my mind “why would he commit if he didn’t want to?” Perhaps had I waited to asked until the end of January like I had always initially planned I would have seen some of the warning signs through the month and not bothered. I wanted a relationship with him when I asked, that is true, but I know I only asked because I didn’t want to bring up “I saw you on the dating app”-I wanted to be smarter and address the ~deeper issue “you lied, but I’m hurt because you’re still on there and I thought we were moving towards just being with each other” so I thought “okay if I ask to be official, I get what I want(at the time) and the issue of being on the apps is moot and I don’t even have to address it.”

 

It seemed to make sense at the time. Now I’m replaying little things that have cropped up and

I’m like “probably should have paid more attention to that”- slowly tiny bits about his last relationship have come out (and I mean two or three bits of info-but things that, had I known up front, which is when you would tell someone, I honest to goodness would have passed on this whole situation!) when I asked him a few weeks ago why he didn’t tell me this initially he said something to the effect of “if I told you everything up front you would have run away”. I’m pretty certain he meant it half jokingly, but truer words couldn’t have been spoken man.

[akrngrl]

I agree that it’s hard to let go of someone you’re having fun with. It’s even more difficult to let go of someone you’re not only having fun with, but who you had genuine feelings for and trusted. After all this time you’ve spent together (and not spent together), you’ve built an image in your mind of the type of person you thought he was. Now that you’re seeing this other, deceptive side of him, it’s probably not computing because it doesn’t fit in with this image of who you thought he was. It’ll take time to absorb anyway because what happened recently is still fresh and raw.

 

Also, maybe I’m just being overly anal here, but did you take screenshots of the app (i.e. - the newly added pictures and revised bio)? Not that you’d have to refer to them when you see him, but wouldn’t they be nice to have, pending whatever story or explanation he comes up with when you confront him?

 

Brace yourself if he tries to rely on the, ‘I just look at the app out of boredom. I’m not actually intending on meeting anyone’ excuse [emoji849].

 

Also, I don’t doubt he has feelings for you, akrngrl, but I get the impression he’s one of these guys that just likes the natural high that comes with serial dating and the attention that comes with online dating/apps.

 

The added bonus for him is the security he has with you, which feels like an exclusive, committed relationship, but without the label.

 

This guy wants to have his cake and eat it, too - Best of both worlds.

 

Please let us know how everything goes, akrngrl, and safe travels to you.

 

You described it perfectly! And the fact that he’s STILL going on like everything is hunky Dory. I kind of wish it was a facade he had up as well and would call me on being on the dating app when I got there. Not because I want things to even be okay, but because it’s genuinely kind of scary and I don’t scare easily at all lol.

 

The creepiest feeling ran through me last night as I was watching his location on the app change as he was texting me that he was excited to see me.

 

It’s probably not something to be proud of, but I’m looking for little victories right now haha. I’ve got screenshots labeled in a folder and I periodically check throughout the day to see if anything has changed. I could put together a PowerPoint presentation now if I had to [emoji23]. Again, I know it’s a zero on the recommendation scale, but for some reason, after the initial shock-it’s calming for me to know in a “okay this is really happening and I didn’t dream it” kind of way.

 

I know my method tomorrow feels a little “schemey” and I feel like most would be like “you’re putting too much effort into this, just let it go”, but I’m going on 48 hours of basically no sleep just aimlessly wandering around my apartment not even able to watch tv or do any of my hobbies. I barely make it through work because I’m so dazed so this “energy” has to go somewhere.

 

Thank you!

[akrngrl]

So since youre choosing to go whats your escape plan?

 

Im serious.

 

If you're going to a different state (?) and he has the impression everything is hunky dory, I'd think the need for you having someplace to go is high, unless you are expecting him to convince you everything's on the up and up.

 

I totally get wanting to confront him in person, I just dont know how wise it is to do it while so far away from home.

 

Hey, if you know deep down youre gonna accept whatever explanation hes going to give you and you know deep down you arent going to walk away, you may as well not say anything and just enjoy your time. The fact that youre able to continue texting him lovey dovey stuff is telling to me, I really dont think you want this to end.

 

Its kinda like someone who quits smoking by taking up vaping. Theyre still putting nicotine in their body, theyve just dressed up the packaging and slowed down the cancer causing object.

 

I am really starting to think as long as he soothes your anxiety, you're ok. As long as you hear something that quiets that little voice that wants and needs more, you're able to go forward. If thats the case, its the case, it is your life and none of us have to live it but you.

 

For the MILLIONTH time, do you, but dont delude yourself, if youre ok with all this the... least painful road is one where you accept the facts as they are. You know without a shadow of doubt at this point he is back on the dating sites, theres no wiggle room this is a fact, you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

Again, I dont see how there is an inbetween, not at this point. So again I say, you are either ok with it or you arent.

 

ETA - Agree with Bat and Milly very much, I also think he cares about you, it just doesnt seem that hes on the same page and I agree fear, anxiety, secret agent, as appealing as 'fixer uppers' and 'broken souls' seem to be to some, " he couldnt commit to anyone until ME" talk about an ego boost right? As appealing as that might be, if the dude has issues to work through he shouldnt be dating and promising things to women. PERIOD. It not endearing, its selfish.

 

I had every intention of just leaving and coming home. It’s under a two hour drive back and though SO not ideal, probably doable. I just keep reminding myself “I made it home at 2 am after losing my pet, I made it home from a similar distance at 4 am after being assaulted in the grand scheme of things you can do these hard things.” Hopefully this will pale in comparison to those two lol.

 

Nah, I don’t expect him to be able to soothe me because it’ll never be soothed. I’m questioning everything and all his “keeping me at arms length with need to know info”. Not okay with the deception of the dating sites. I should be allowed to be on there too and who knows how long he’s been on the other one. The one my friend texted me I know he had at one point hidden, but tinder is anyone’s best guess if he ever hid it at all.

 

The flirty/normal messages is me just trying to keep status quo. I don’t want him to think something is up beforehand and perhaps beat me to the chase of ending it. Usually when guys are over it in my experience the texting drops off and the message quality does as well. His frequency is way down, 1 a day if that and he’s not telling me anything like he used to, but every few is a “can’t wait to see you” “excited for you to get here” and I’m thinking “the audacity” haha.

 

It’s funny because he’s only ever had long term relationships. I think that’s part of where my whole “good but not good enough” thing stemmed from in my other thread as well. He’s had no problem in the past committing and being with someone for YEARS. BUT, the more bits of info I get (though it does me no good because I’ll never know), the more scenarios I have as to why his previous LTRs didn’t work out. Sure maybe they just up and left because it no longer suited them, but also maybe, they wanted more (marriage) and he couldn’t go there.

 

You’re right though, it’s selfish and I don’t even find it endearing. I felt bad after the tearful encounters we had (him not me lol) because part of me was like “get your ish together man and knock it off”. i feel bad for whoever he’s matched with and I’m scared at the probability that there are likely many people on these apps that are in his situation now (kinda has a someone/has a someone/is married/etc.) and they’re in there portraying a completely different image.

[milly007]

You described it perfectly! And the fact that he’s STILL going on like everything is hunky Dory. I kind of wish it was a facade he had up as well and would call me on being on the dating app when I got there. Not because I want things to even be okay, but because it’s genuinely kind of scary and I don’t scare easily at all lol.

 

The creepiest feeling ran through me last night as I was watching his location on the app change as he was texting me that he was excited to see me.

 

It’s probably not something to be proud of, but I’m looking for little victories right now haha. I’ve got screenshots labeled in a folder and I periodically check throughout the day to see if anything has changed. I could put together a PowerPoint presentation now if I had to [emoji23]. Again, I know it’s a zero on the recommendation scale, but for some reason, after the initial shock-it’s calming for me to know in a “okay this is really happening and I didn’t dream it” kind of way.

 

I know my method tomorrow feels a little “schemey” and I feel like most would be like “you’re putting too much effort into this, just let it go”, but I’m going on 48 hours of basically no sleep just aimlessly wandering around my apartment not even able to watch tv or do any of my hobbies. I barely make it through work because I’m so dazed so this “energy” has to go somewhere.

 

Thank you!

 

Had to chuckle at your PowerPoint comment!

 

No, I don’t think what you have planned is “schemey” at all. I think of this as you protecting and preparing yourself.

 

And I wouldn’t say you’re putting too much effort into this, either. When our hearts are on the line, it’s not like we can just shut-off our mind and direct our attention elsewhere. If only it were that easy, right? Plus, this is all still pretty raw.

 

How will you respond if he says, “well, I saw your profile is active as well. So I went back online because you were back online”?

 

Won’t be surprised if he does.

 

Hopefully you’re able to get a good night’s rest before travelling.

[akrngrl]

Had to chuckle at your PowerPoint comment!

 

No, I don’t think what you have planned is “schemey” at all. I think of this as you protecting and preparing yourself.

 

And I wouldn’t say you’re putting too much effort into this, either. When our hearts are on the line, it’s not like we can just shut-off our mind and direct our attention elsewhere. If only it were that easy, right? Plus, this is all still pretty raw.

 

How will you respond if he says, “well, I saw your profile is active as well. So I went back online because you were back online”?

 

Won’t be surprised if he does.

 

Hopefully you’re able to get a good night’s rest before travelling.

 

Humor helps me get through the hard times haha [emoji23]

 

I’ve been wondering that myself or if he says one of his friends saw me. Then my paranoia sets in and I’m thinking “What if he’s putting on a front too??”

 

The more I think about it though, the more it’s unlikely since he’s in a populated area and I doubt he’d keep his search parameters far enough to include me (although he did change another app where you can PICK your city back to my city, which I thought was odd).

 

I’d probably own it though. Granted I’m fairly confident I’ve given no reason for him to think I was being shady (always responded to his *lack* of texts with enthusiasm and excitement, etc.), but I’d probably be like “How funny! I was on there to find your a**, you were on there to find my a**”

 

I was just sitting here thinking “this is either really deceitful (him thinking he’s getting away with it, doing it behind my back) OR there’s literally zero thought behind it and he just assumed it was okay”.

 

It likely still wouldn’t work though because in that case, he didn’t care enough about it to bring it up to me before getting back on. Even if he was waiting until this weekend, like me, to do it in person he made sure to hop back on the sites first. I’m not on any of them currently-even the one my friend texted me, I can only see him because we had previously connected-I’m still hidden from anyone new being able to see me.

[Wiseman2]

This long distance thing in itself is not worth your time or energy. But now shifting to detective replete with a dossier of his "covert" online dating activities is a complete and utter waste of your time energy emotions and thoughts. Focus on what is most productive toward your own happiness and well being. Try to do something to get out of this negativity short circuit.

 

Why not allow a guy who is local, interested in a real relationship, willing to be exclusive, etc be the one who's occupying your thought, feelings, energy and time in a happy healthy productive way?

 

Perhaps some time with a therapist to explore this kind of negative thinking loop and obsessional thoughts/behavior would be a more productive, more rewarding use of your time, particularly that now you are losing sleep, pacing around, agitated, etc. Something is up and it's not about this casual dating dude.

-I was watching his location on the app change as he was texting me that he was excited to see me.

 

-I’ve got screenshots labeled in a folder

 

-I periodically check throughout the day to see if anything has changed.

 

-I could put together a PowerPoint presentation

 

-I’m going on 48 hours of basically no sleep just aimlessly wandering around my apartment not even able to watch tv or do any of my hobbies.

 

-I barely make it through work because I’m so dazed so this “energy” has to go somewhere.

[akrngrl]

This long distance thing in itself is not worth your time or energy. But now shifting to detective replete with a dossier of his "covert" online dating activities is a complete and utter waste of your time energy emotions and thoughts. Focus on what is most productive toward your own happiness and well being. Try to do something to get out of this negativity short circuit.

 

Why not allow a guy who is local, interested in a real relationship, willing to be exclusive, etc be the one who's occupying your thought, feelings, energy and time in a happy healthy productive way?

 

Perhaps some time with a therapist to explore this kind of negative thinking loop and obsessional thoughts/behavior would be a more productive, more rewarding use of your time, particularly that now you are losing sleep, pacing around, agitated, etc. Something is up and it's not about this casual dating dude.

 

I can appreciate that thinking. It seems ridiculous and out there, I know, but it doesn’t extend past calling him on his actions. I’d fall for some lame excuse if I just came across it once and never looked again. I let him in and that’s my fault for becoming vulnerable before I should have. In this state I want to believe the best in people-even if he is acting like a snake. My seeing it is a reminder that he’s a snake.

 

As milly mentioned it’s hard to process because it’s such a stark difference from who he was for three months. Even without the label/full commitment, I ultimately got “what I wanted” at the time: off apps, not looking, not dating , sexually exclusive. Frankly, he’s treated me better than any guy I’ve ever been with (long or short term)-not this week, this week is more in line with what I usually get lol.

 

It’ll sound like an excuse, but I mean it more of a note. I don’t actually date locally. Usually I only match with people that are about the distance he is now and further into to main city. I’d rather be alone than be with someone who is deceitful and by all means I probably wouldn’t go back to dating for a bit (it doesn’t really help me, but I’ll be questioning everyone and everything for a long while after this fiasco).

 

I’m not against therapy. My emotions are pretty low normally (as in I don’t really have much that can get a reaction out of me) and every once and awhile someone gets in, under my skin, and this happens. It’s like I have every emotion magnified for a day or two and then I’m over it and couldn’t care less. It’s like things CRUSH me initially and then I have to remind myself to be mad/upset a few days later.

 

That’s probably very confusing for everyone when I post as well. I come here posting in that CRUSHED state and then as time passes I get more and more lax about things.

 

Even with this, I posed as soon as I found it and it was agonizing. I couldn’t conceive going there this weekend. By now I’m like “eh it’ll be fine to go, you’re not going to break down at the door of his apartment like you thought remember he’s a jerk who’s betrayed you though so don’t fall for any bs.”

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it still seems incomprehensible to make the effort to date someone you feel is a dishonest snake.

I’m like “eh it’ll be fine to go, you’re not going to break down at the door of his apartment like you thought remember he’s a jerk who’s betrayed you though so don’t fall for any bs.”

[Batya33]

I still think you're focusing too much on him and what makes him tick. For your own sanity assume he's just not that into you (and he lied). Not because you're not good enough -because you two are not a match on his end and that's ok. I was over the moon for 6 months about my friend's older brother - we dated for about 5 months, 3 months exclusively. He was 40, never really had a serious relationship, slept around -I was 36 and the opposite. I don't think he cheated on me. He ended things after 5 months because he wasn't feeling it. I did fool around with him once or twice after (no sex) and realized how dumb that was so I stopped and told him only to call me once he could propose (it was a half joke -he had had knee surgery on his right knee so I told him I assumed the hold up was he wanted to get down on bended knee). I stayed good friends with his brother and resisted asking about him or patrolling dating sites, etc.

 

6 months after he ended things he met his future wife. IMO she is prettier than me (never met her in person, just pictures) and I ran into him/interacted a few times and seemed like he was really into her except I also think he might have cheated on her because he would contact me in inappropriate ways at times which I deflected. They've been married almost 15 years and seemingly stable/happy (again I do not ask his brother about him - one of my friends told me he was engaged, and he did too). So - yes, I am not actually sure he is a person who can "commit" but from the beginning what worked for me was chalking it up to "just not that into me" - not "commitmentphobe" or "player" or "I'm not good enough." I didn't waste my time trying to analyze him either.

[milly007]

Humor helps me get through the hard times haha [emoji23]

 

I’ve been wondering that myself or if he says one of his friends saw me. Then my paranoia sets in and I’m thinking “What if he’s putting on a front too??”

 

The more I think about it though, the more it’s unlikely since he’s in a populated area and I doubt he’d keep his search parameters far enough to include me (although he did change another app where you can PICK your city back to my city, which I thought was odd).

 

I’d probably own it though. Granted I’m fairly confident I’ve given no reason for him to think I was being shady (always responded to his *lack* of texts with enthusiasm and excitement, etc.), but I’d probably be like “How funny! I was on there to find your a**, you were on there to find my a**”

 

I was just sitting here thinking “this is either really deceitful (him thinking he’s getting away with it, doing it behind my back) OR there’s literally zero thought behind it and he just assumed it was okay”.

 

It likely still wouldn’t work though because in that case, he didn’t care enough about it to bring it up to me before getting back on. Even if he was waiting until this weekend, like me, to do it in person he made sure to hop back on the sites first. I’m not on any of them currently-even the one my friend texted me, I can only see him because we had previously connected-I’m still hidden from anyone new being able to see me.

 

But if you don’t think his search parameters are set far enough to include where you’re living, how did your friend come across him? Doesn’t she live in your area?

 

Good luck with everything, akrn.

 

Can you let us know how everything goes?

[Iggy5129]

I'm exhausted reading this! Why are you doing all these mental gymnastics?? When a guy likes you and it's right there's none of this uncertainty. No anxiety, no need to check up, it just works.

 

Whatever this is doesn't work. That's the bottom line. Stop going around in circles. I think you know what to do. Drop this guy, get back on the apps and find a guy that lives in your area and wants a committed relationship.

 

They're out there. I found one and you can too.

[figureitout23]

But if you don’t think his search parameters are set far enough to include where you’re living, how did your friend come across him? Doesn’t she live in your area?

 

Good luck with everything, akrn.

 

Can you let us know how everything goes?

 

I think it’s safe to say given the revelation that she’s got screen shots and organized folders that she’s been in detective mode since he left and it’s how she’s been soothing herself about this whole situation.I doubt I’d recognize someone I’ve met once or twice on a dating site. Maybe if I only saw them online and there pictures are same, but yeah the friend thing is very far fetched, I think Akn is a bit in denial about how utterly stressed out she was about this situation and far she was willing to go to convince herself everything was ok. Unfortunately if she doesn’t start being honest about how many standards and boundaries she allowed to be ignored he will weasel his way back in this weekend. For her sake, I hope she starts recognizing how unfullfilling this whole things has been and will be.

 

The comments about I’m so glad I didn’t get that commitment... Akn, I said his about something else you were saying in your other post, it’s a false sense of control. Girl you originally asked for a commitment because your radar went off (justifiably, many said it wasn’t but you knew then) your insecurity set in and it was a way to quiet those fears his response only MAGNIGIED those fears, because it confirmed them, but instead of walking away, and I fully realize not completely your fault cause you were kinda advised to just accept the halfass answers he was giving you.

 

 

At this point you can’t do it anymore, too much has been revealed to you. Please do not let him weasel you back in. If this is good enough, let him, but if it’s not for the love of God girl... walk away. You will never shape him into who you want him to be, that’s not how any of this works.

 

Whatever you decide I wish you luck, I really do and I hope you keep us updated as well.

[akrngrl]

But if you don’t think his search parameters are set far enough to include where you’re living, how did your friend come across him? Doesn’t she live in your area?

 

Good luck with everything, akrn.

 

Can you let us know how everything goes?

 

We live in a very remote area so our search parameters are set to 70/80 miles away near the city because the pickings here are SLIM at best. He’s near/in the city so I imagine his search parameters, given he doesn’t have a mode of transport are within walking/train/subway distance and much narrower because there are TONS more people out that way.

 

Will keep y’all updated for sure!

[akrngrl]

I think it’s safe to say given the revelation that she’s got screen shots and organized folders that she’s been in detective mode since he left and it’s how she’s been soothing herself about this whole situation.I doubt I’d recognize someone I’ve met once or twice on a dating site. Maybe if I only saw them online and there pictures are same, but yeah the friend thing is very far fetched, I think Akn is a bit in denial about how utterly stressed out she was about this situation and far she was willing to go to convince herself everything was ok. Unfortunately if she doesn’t start being honest about how many standards and boundaries she allowed to be ignored he will weasel his way back in this weekend. For her sake, I hope she starts recognizing how unfullfilling this whole things has been and will be.

 

The comments about I’m so glad I didn’t get that commitment... Akn, I said his about something else you were saying in your other post, it’s a false sense of control. Girl you originally asked for a commitment because your radar went off (justifiably, many said it wasn’t but you knew then) your insecurity set in and it was a way to quiet those fears his response only MAGNIGIED those fears, because it confirmed them, but instead of walking away, and I fully realize not completely your fault cause you were kinda advised to just accept the halfass answers he was giving you.

 

 

At this point you can’t do it anymore, too much has been revealed to you. Please do not let him weasel you back in. If this is good enough, let him, but if it’s not for the love of God girl... walk away. You will never shape him into who you want him to be, that’s not how any of this works.

 

Whatever you decide I wish you luck, I really do and I hope you keep us updated as well.

 

He’s wearing a distinct item of clothing in one of his photos and it’s one I’ve sent to my friends when they asked what he looked like. That’s even how she addressed him when she texted me.

 

Detective mode kicked in the second my friend sent me the screenshot, but I can own that I’ve made quick work in that short amount of time haha. I didn’t even have the apps on my phone anymore, so I had to re-download them.

 

You’re right. I’m looking back in hindsight that I’m glad he didn’t just say yes and then continue to do this. My whole goal from the beginning/once I found out how great he was, was to date for the time he was here and ask for commitment right before he left if things were good (that would have been me asking the first time at the end of Jan). Since there was that misunderstanding right after New Years though I jumped and asked then. I do wonder, had I cooled my heels a bit, if the month of January would have played out the same with yellow flags raising up. I can’t say for certain, but perhaps I would have decided not to ask about commitment at all. It may very well be me grasping for a false sense of control.

 

I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he had this effect on me because lord knows he’s been sleeping peacefully, but I know I was wrecked with anxiety. Utterly wrecked. Zero fun to be had in that kingdom.

 

I doubt he’s going to be able to weasel his way back in, definitely not with me being committed to him and him having the option of going out.

[Batya33]

In my experience it's rare to find a long term happy serious relationship where the woman had to ask for a commitment.

[akrngrl]

In my experience it's rare to find a long term happy serious relationship where the woman had to ask for a commitment.

 

Haha I agree Bat. I tried to be 21st century. I doubt I’ll go that route again [emoji23]