Making sense of dating a married woman

[Smiling12]

Thank you Tinydance, SherrySher, Matt0050, Annia and Wiseman2. Feeling more and more stupid as I read the replies.

I guess I wanted to believe what she was saying was the truth. I never liked the idea of going into a relationship and not trusting the person. I thought that did more damage, appearently I have this backwards.

[IAmFCA]

There is a theme in her life as you describe it - it is as if she is a victim of difficult circumstances. Turn her sentences around to recognize her choices. Example: she talked to their kids about leaving, before she had a plan? As if, what, they would solve it for her, or give her their approval? That isn't how this works. She has made and is still making choices that perpetuate instability -- and her kids can now share that insecurity thanks to her.

She isn't the devil, she is human and like the rest of us needs support and mentorship. You don't have to hate her. But you do need to see her pattern. Her behavior of hoping others will make decisions for her. Her pattern of abdicating responsibility.

 

Her web wrapped you up... but not for long. Good on you.

[Annia]

Thank you Tinydance, SherrySher, Matt0050, Annia and Wiseman2. Feeling more and more stupid as I read the replies.

I guess I wanted to believe what she was saying was the truth. I never liked the idea of going into a relationship and not trusting the person. I thought that did more damage, appearently I have this backwards.

 

It's not about going into a relationship without trusting. It's just that a cheater is not trustworthy so why would you go into a relationship with one and trust them?

 

Which makes me think that like other suggested, after your traumatic divorce you weren't ready to date and to actually risk yourself into another actual relationship a 100%, so you picked an unavailable woman. Sometimes we auto sabotage ourselves and sometimes even unconsciously. I think that rationally you knew that a married woman and with so much messy baggage wasn't relationship material and maybe somehow that made you feel safe. Or maybe, and this is very common too, you're addicted to drama or to the feeling of being a saviour when it comes to relationships, which might be a sign of codependent issues.

 

Married people should ALWAYS be out of limit if you want an actual future with someone and a life without drama. I personally wouldn't even date someone who's separated but not officially divorced but I know some people do. In this case she wasn't even separated living her life for a long time. She was still in the same house with him and still pretty much married to him. You need to know deep inside that this woman was never available or willing to actually have a relationship with you. She was never going to leave him for you, despite of what your ego said.

 

If you really want to move on and do better, you should take sometime addressing your issues and why you made the choices you made.

[SherrySher]

Actually, you do have it backwards.

 

In what universe is a woman who is sleeping around on her husband, trustworthy?

 

It doesn't matter what sob stories she told you, all you need to know is that she is married and sleeping around.

 

That's simple logic, fella.

[SherrySher]

Truth be told, you have no clue either if all the stories she told you is even true.

 

Her husband might be a decent man and she decides to villainize him in order to justify her sleeping around.

 

You don't know, do you?

 

As Matt said, his ex told all sorts of lies to the men she was sleeping with and he was a good husband. She is not a decent woman, and her credibility is fairly low at this point.

 

I'm not sure why you'd ever think going into any kind of relationship with someone who is married would ever turn out to be a good thing.

[Smiling12]

Appreciate the prospective IAmFCA. I think that hits home in my situation.

 

And Annia, I've heard the term codependent, but really don't have a grasp of what that entails. I will definitely look into that for myself.

 

SherrySher, again I appreciate the input and don't necessarily disagree.

 

I found myself yesterday hiding at work in a back room breaking down and crying. The gravity of the situation and perspective started setting in and that's what landed me here. Realizing my potential faults in this and grasping for answers. I don't feel I'm a bad guy in life, never consciously had intentions of engaging in questionable behavior, but I did.

[SooSad33]

" They told her to keep giving him chances. She told her mom who also told her to stick it out. She told er friends that she wanted out and they said she should stay married and fight through it. She fought with him constantly, arguing about his control over money, her and the drinking. He always seemed to pull her back in, she would say she felt sorry for him. Not sure I still understand that."

 

- Oh man... what a.. sad mess.. :(.

I am sorry YOU went thru all this... This woman is in a bad place.. and sadly pulled you down with her.. right?

 

She is FAR from 'ready' to get involved with anyone.. She is struggling with her unstable life / situation.

 

Sadly, you have had to learn the 'hard way', yes?

She is Married.

She had numerous issue's at this time in her Life.

She' used you- for her own self.

 

I would guess.. from your own past- just over a year out of a Marriage, that it can take a while to accept & heal

from that experience?

 

Same goes for her... in her unstable & unhappy life/ marriage.. that she's got a ways to go. ( to be ready to be involved again).. Be stable.. be able to 'give'...etc.

 

YOu did the right thing.. get away & stay away..

And this is a co-worker?? Ouch... Never get involved with those you work with! Just no good... *sigh*.

 

Life is an experience... I am glad you're out of it.. for your own good!

[thisisrichey]

never.. EVER ... EVER.. get involved with somebody not completely free and single.. NEVER!

if they were ready to move on with somebody else - they'd have completely cut ties with the former.

if they haven't cut ties with the former - then they really aren't ready to move on are they?

 

NEVER.. EVER.. EVER.. EVER get involved with an involved person. EVER!

[Smiling12]

Co-worker in the sense that we work at the same site that has multiple building and thousands of employees. Running into her even initially was a rare event.

 

SooSad33, yeah pulled me down, but I let it happen as well. That seemed to be my justification/excuse I suppose...how could she be going through all this and NOT get out. Life is an experience... not always good!

 

Thanks thisisrichey

[boltnrun]

Because it most likely is not true, or there's some lifestyle she doesn't want to give up, maybe status or family embarrassment.

 

If she were being abused there are plenty of resources she could use. PLUS, who would allow their own children to remain in an abusive environment?

 

See how it doesn't add up?

 

But people believe what they want to believe. You wanted this woman and were willing to deceive yourself in order to have her.

 

I hope for your own sake you stay far, far away from her.

[lostandhurt]

Lesson learned right?

 

Cheaters lie, it is that simple. Would you expect her to tell you "oh my husband is the greatest guy and our family is awesome" "lets start chatting and then have sex"

 

The first lie any cheater tells is to themselves...

 

You got played and probably knew in your gut it was wrong but you choose to continue. You lied to yourself to find a way to make what we going on okay. Next time listen to your conscience and character and you will be much better off.

 

As far as being crushed by it being over goes: None of it was real, there was no divorce, no chance of a real relationship and no true love. The hurt you feel is from what you imagined, not experienced. Take some time to process what happened and your feelings will evolve from disbelief to anger and then to acceptance.

 

You learned the hard way this time...

 

Lost

[DancingFool]

Not getting involved with someone who is in a relationship is very much black and white. You need to actually stop making excuses and admit that fact - it is black and white. Realize that making all those excuses to yourself is exactly what landed you in a mess. You actually talked yourself into cheating by making excuses, making justification, essentially lying to yourself.

 

You keep saying that you wanted to believe....and you are not the first other man/woman in an affair to say exactly that. "I chose to believe. I want/wanted to believe whatever bs the affair partner fed me." THIS is the part that you need to explore and delve into seriously. What drove that want, what made you so desperate to buy the lies that you crossed all lines of human decency, threw away morals and values, and proceeded with what you know full well is a horrible mess. Take a good look at your ego because in most cases that is the answer. It's about a perverse sort of a competition and wanting to be "chosen" as the next man or woman in the cheaters life. You may or may not even be conscious of it, but that is invariably a huge factor with the other man/woman in the affair. Of course, it's a set up for failure because either the cheater will never leave their SO and never had any plans for it, or even if they do, you are signing up for a permanently toxic relationship where you can never trust each other and will be forever looking over your shoulder along the lines of how you got them is how you'll lose them, what they did with you, they'll do to you. A complete lose/lose proposition, BUT in the short term this lose/lose proposition feeds the ego. "I'm special, I make her/him happy unlike their evil SO, we have a 'special' connection that nobody understands." I'm special....sooo special.

 

Your divorce might have bruised your ego, but you don't restore yourself through this kind of self destructive behavior.

[Smiling12]

Thank you DancingFool

[spunkmire]

6-7 months to have sex? wow....old school

[Smiling12]

spunkmire maybe a bit, it wasn't until after she told her mom and talked to her kids that it happened, foolishly felt I was getting the signs I needed that this was all real, she would divorce and we would be together.

[Jibralta]

I think that’s why I’m searching to understand how I got here. I made a bad decision along the way. Was I trying to help someone I felt a connection with and let that blind good decision making, or am I a person who is susceptible to being manipulated myself and need to address that in my life

 

You got here because you were dishonest with yourself about your motives. Why else would you involve yourself so deeply in this woman's life? You only knew her for a couple of months before you started believing everything she told you. Are you usually this gullible? Probably not because your sitting there wondering how you got where you are.

 

You got here because you lied to yourself the whole time, and you're still lying to yourself now:

 

Most all our interactions were innocent.

 

You're interactions weren't innocent, unless by "innocent" you are referring to the mindless way in which animals mate. You both knew she was married. You both knew that complaining about a marriage and talking about divorce isn't the same as filing for divorce. How many other women did you talk to for long periods of time about their personal problems?

 

If you don't get honest with yourself, you're going to do it again.

[Annia]

spunkmire maybe a bit, it wasn't until after she told her mom and talked to her kids that it happened, foolishly felt I was getting the signs I needed that this was all real, she would divorce and we would be together.

 

I'll go on a limb and risk saying that she never told her mom or her kids.

 

But that's not what matters here. I think everyone has already said: it's important to reflect on why you chose (yes, CHOSE) this and was the "lack" you were trying to compensate.

 

Also, lostandhurt is right on the money:" the hurt you feel is from what you imagined, not experienced." which is such a deep truth about many relationships.

[ThatwasThen]

Holly, I understand, but the statement “with good intentions” meant that I was trusting being told see divorcing her husband. I’m no white knight, but I think we know everything in life isn’t black and white. I shouldn’t have let it get physical before a divorce was final or filled for or something concrete and that’s conpletely on me and my misjudgment.

 

You also shouldn't have let it get emotional until she had left her husband and was living separate from him in a place of her own... then waited at least a year to start dating her so that you didn't end up being her rebound.

 

If you admit to being a "white knight" then that is a sure sign that you have codependent tendencies that will likely end you up in something similar with someone else in your future if you don't look into why you made these mistakes instead of keeping yourself safe by avoiding her until she was free to be pursued.

[Smiling12]

ThatWasThen you are correct. I shouldn’t have let it get emotional. I’m here to try and learn from this. I said it before, but I care about people and would never intentionally do something to hurt anyone. I’m also adult enough to know I went past a boundary and have fault in that equal to hers, even if what she was saying is or isn’t the truth.

 

I think I’m being honest. I went past a boundary period. I did it choosing to believe what I was told to and blurred her getting out with her actually getting out. I’m am really here trying to learn from this mistake

[ThatwasThen]

ThatWasThen you are correct. I shouldn’t have let it get emotional. I’m here to try and learn from this. I said it before, but I care about people and would never intentionally do something to hurt anyone. I’m also adult enough to know I went past a boundary and have fault in that equal to hers, even if what she was saying is or isn’t the truth.

 

I think I’m being honest. I went past a boundary period. I did it choosing to believe what I was told to and blurred her getting out with her actually getting out. I’m am really here trying to learn from this mistake

 

I guess then the only thing to say, the bottom line is: Don't get yourself invested in anyone who is married, keep boundaries in place and if needed, get professional help for any lingering White Knight tendencies in order to keep yourself safe from other damsels in distress that that may cross your path.

 

Good luck.

[Smiling12]

Thank you, much appreciated

[SherrySher]

Ha ha spunkmire...it's not "old school". Though I do wonder what the term would be for the people now a days who sleep together within days?

 

I'd say society has taken a step down.

[SherrySher]

If you truly do learn from this mistake, Smiling, then at least you've grown from this experience.

 

Temptations are always going to be around. But only we can be smart enough to look past the shiny wrapping and realize that it might not be so great.

It's a matter of self control and wisdom.

 

I think many have said it here already but the rule of thumb is, unless they are completely single, don't get involved.

Partially divorced, pending divorce, separated, being in a so called bad marriage or bad relationship....that's their pile of rubbish to deal with.

 

Don't go near it until the drama is completely done.

 

Unless there is a full divorce, and they are living on their own...don't even look twice.

 

Hang in there, now that you've seen the truth, things will start to get better as each day passes. Your future doesn't have to be a sad one.

There are many decent woman out there hoping to meet a man like you.

[Smiling12]

Thank you SherrySher. I do appreciate the advice, even the hard to hear. Tough road ahead of me and anyone this affected

[SherrySher]

As long as you stay away from her, things will be okay.

 

Heartache is only temporary. You will continue to heal and you will feel better in time.

 

It's still early days, go easy on yourself.