My ground rules for online dating

[Starlight925]

I'll tell you a little story about a guy I dated who waited to call me after our first meet.

 

It was one of those amazing first meets where you feel like you could close the place down. I was So. Excited!!! about this guy. We met on a Thursday, and he walked me to my car, and I enthusiastically thanked him, and he hugged me, and I could not wait to hear from him.

 

He waited till the following Wednesday to call. I was so excited to hear from him that I met him out that night! I figured I just hadn't heard from him earlier because he'd been busy, but turned out that no, he spent the weekend alone. He admitted to waiting to call me so as not to appear eager. Something about that just.....deflated me. Like, it was too beta.

 

I went out with him a few more times, but his beta-ness showed up in other ways, or maybe i just perceived it. There is something alpha about a guy just stepping up, at the end of the first date, or the next day, asking me out again. After about a month, I ended things, as I just never could get that excitement back. Don't be that guy.

[jd2007]

.... but his beta-ness showed up in other ways,....Don't be that guy.

 

We can't change who we are.

 

At some point, you realize it is a bridge too far, you were born into the wrong world, and there's nothing left but to give up.

 

...or live out the rest of your days, your heart a punching bag.

 

I'll take door #1.

[Hollyj]

Wow, a lot of hostility here.

 

Well I had no idea that I was "playing a game". I've actually had dating coaches that say not to be too eager, or you'll appear desperate.

 

And it feels unnatural to me, to be hyper aggressive. So that wouldn't come out right.

 

I've learned to be happy alone. I'm very guarded and slow to trust. I only have like one or two close friends, and those took years to come by. I always feel like I should be careful not to overstep with new acquaintances, and be respectful of their space.

 

So I don't know the answer right now, other than that it is much less frustrating and easier just not to try.

 

Please take the advice on board. People are trying to help you in your search for a nice girl.

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you are, OP?

 

And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because I mean no hostility—indeed, I’m posting here just to help you have a blast out there—but when I hear “dating coach” I can’t help but think “playing games.” Or, at the very least, “overthinking,” which is where we end up playing the worst sort of games, the subconscious ones.

 

Anyhow, I hope LH’s story resonated. Alphas generally shine, even if we end up face planting here and there. And, hey, there’s charm in that too. You get up, dust off, grin, get back out there.

[jd2007]

Can I ask how old you are, OP?

 

And I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, because I mean no hostility—indeed, I’m posting here just to help you have a blast out there—but when I hear “dating coach” I can’t help but think “playing games.” Or, at the very least, “overthinking,” which is where we end up playing the worst sort of games, the subconscious ones.

 

Anyhow, I hope LH’s story resonated. Alphas generally shine, even if we end up face planting here and there. And, hey, there’s charm in that too. You get up, dust off, grin, get back out there.

 

55

 

I'm not hurting for looks. I see that in their eyes. It just never gets too far. ..I have an intimidating presence, I've lived long enough to figure that out. And I've no problem standing up for myself.

 

But there's still something missing. And as my last serious anything used to say: "you're weary".

[j.man]

I've said it many times, but everyone's got different perspectives and approaches, and the only "wrong" way to date is where you're not enjoying yourself. You should be having fun meeting new people.

There's a fine line between healthy skepticism and cynicism, and if you're finding yourself in the latter, I'd start with taking some time off rather than writing up lists.

[jd2007]

I've said it many times, but everyone's got different perspectives and approaches, and the only "wrong" way to date is where you're not enjoying yourself. You should be having fun meeting new people.

There's a fine line between healthy skepticism and cynicism, and if you're finding yourself in the latter, I'd start with taking some time off rather than writing up lists.

 

But I jist came offa long break, and nothing's doing.

[j.man]

Then it sounds like you're neglecting some form of work on yourself. People generally don't get to this point without being a common denominator.

[jd2007]

Then it sounds like you're neglecting some form of work on yourself. People generally don't get to this point without being a common denominator.

 

Captain Obvious!

[jd2007]

...why I'm here.

[LootieTootie]

Dating is tough. What's worse is when the dater is making it tougher on himself/herself.

 

Instead of focusing on online dating rules, how about you make rules about what you need to do to actually enjoy dating. Maybe relax a bit with the ignore trigger and extend it to a few days or a week. Mixing up your early messages to a brief phone call or a brief meet up at a coffee shop. Giving other people outside your preferences a shot. Also if someone you really enjoyed didn't reciprocate, I would throw a nice note. You leave your mark as a gentleman .. which is rare to come by these days.

[mustlovedogs]

Your sarcasm comes off as abrasive. Do you text like this to potential dates?

[Capricorn3]

..I have an intimidating presence, I've lived long enough to figure that out.

Can you elaborate on that please?

[jd2007]

Can you elaborate on that please?

 

It is just how people respond to me. When I was younger, I wondered why managers would overreact when I expressed an opinion, or recommended doing things a certain way. For some reason they felt a need to get all up in my face sometimes. I learned to tread more lightly, soften my approach.

 

I've been to work reunion parties, where people I used to work with tell me that they figured I would have scaled much loftier heights than I have.

 

I've been in that situation where someone wants to have a word with me over a parking space, or something - until I get out of the car and then it's like "nevermind".

 

My daughters' boyfriends, and friends of boyfriends are all afraid of me (but I suppose this is probably common?)

 

Just dozens of things like that, over the years that all add up.

 

There are other more recent and similar clues, that I don't want to go into - for anonymity.

[jd2007]

...I've had women respond to me as if I'm an alpha. That is - until they get to know me a little better. ...but I'm talking like dozens of body language clues. It really catches me a little sideways when it happens - because I don't feel like that is "me". I feel awkward in those moments.

[jd2007]

Your sarcasm comes off as abrasive. Do you text like this to potential dates?

 

No. I try to be polite, and thoughtful.

[Sportster2005]

Your list seems angry to me. People have very little wiggle room, and if they don't meet your expectations judgement is swift and final.

 

I think you will increase your chances by caring a little less. People will be people. Shrug it off. Your list should be like the pirate's code. More of a guideline than hard and set rules.

[Starlight925]

I'll tell you a little story about a guy I dated who waited to call me after our first meet.

 

It was one of those amazing first meets where you feel like you could close the place down. I was So. Excited!!! about this guy. We met on a Thursday, and he walked me to my car, and I enthusiastically thanked him, and he hugged me, and I could not wait to hear from him.

 

He waited till the following Wednesday to call. I was so excited to hear from him that I met him out that night! I figured I just hadn't heard from him earlier because he'd been busy, but turned out that no, he spent the weekend alone. He admitted to waiting to call me so as not to appear eager. Something about that just.....deflated me. Like, it was too beta.

 

I went out with him a few more times, but his beta-ness showed up in other ways, or maybe i just perceived it. There is something alpha about a guy just stepping up, at the end of the first date, or the next day, asking me out again. After about a month, I ended things, as I just never could get that excitement back. Don't be that guy.

 

We can't change who we are.

 

At some point, you realize it is a bridge too far, you were born into the wrong world, and there's nothing left but to give up.

 

...or live out the rest of your days, your heart a punching bag.

 

I'll take door #1.

 

So from my story, as a mid-50's single woman who is looking for a nice guy, that's what you took? That you have gone "a bridge too far", that your heart is a "punching bag"?

 

All I was trying to point out is, if you like a woman, ask her out sooner rather than later. That women (ok I) like that in a guy.

 

You turned my whole story into something really negative and made it a much bigger picture than it was meant to be.

 

Fun first meet, like a girl = ask her what she's doing for the rest of the week, and tell her that you'd like to see her soon. She says, "I'm free Wed. & Thurs.", you say, "How about we try that new Thai place on Wed."? She says "Great!", and you have the beginnings of a dating relationship. Simple really.

[Hollyj]

Then it sounds like you're neglecting some form of work on yourself. People generally don't get to this point without being a common denominator.

 

Spot on!!!!!

[jd2007]

Again - thank you all. Some of this has been hard to read, but it has really helped me gain some better perspective.

 

Yes, I've got this negativity monster that gets the better of me when I'm down. I need to recognize that for the non-reality that it is.

 

I need to relax more, and I've always had a sense of that, but this conversation has really underscored it for me.

 

You've given me a few things to think about and work on, which I will do, and we'll see where it goes.

 

Happy New Year.

[Starlight925]

Again - thank you all. Some of this has been hard to read, but it has really helped me gain some better perspective.

 

Yes, I've got this negativity monster that gets the better of me when I'm down. I need to recognize that for the non-reality that it is.

 

I need to relax more, and I've always had a sense of that, but this conversation has really underscored it for me.

 

You've given me a few things to think about and work on, which I will do, and we'll see where it goes.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Yay! I love this post! (wishes there was a heart emoji).

[Hollyj]

Again - thank you all. Some of this has been hard to read, but it has really helped me gain some better perspective.

 

Yes, I've got this negativity monster that gets the better of me when I'm down. I need to recognize that for the non-reality that it is.

 

I need to relax more, and I've always had a sense of that, but this conversation has really underscored it for me.

 

You've given me a few things to think about and work on, which I will do, and we'll see where it goes.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Great!

 

Happy New Year!

[bluecastle]

Again - thank you all. Some of this has been hard to read, but it has really helped me gain some better perspective.

 

Yes, I've got this negativity monster that gets the better of me when I'm down. I need to recognize that for the non-reality that it is.

 

I need to relax more, and I've always had a sense of that, but this conversation has really underscored it for me.

 

You've given me a few things to think about and work on, which I will do, and we'll see where it goes.

 

Happy New Year.

 

Ditto! Happy happy back at you!

[baffledgirl]

Well I had no idea that I was "playing a game". I've actually had dating coaches that say not to be too eager, or you'll appear desperate.

 

In my experience, similar sort of behavior comes across desperate/annoying or exciting/desirable based on how much I actually like a guy. If I feel rather lukewarm about him, then being bombarded with texts would be a turn off. On the other hand, when I am super excited about the guy, I get annoyed/worried when he doesn't text me often. I don't think you can scare away a girl who's actually excited about you by showing interest (just don't come across as a stalker). On the other hand, if she's not interested in you, it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do.

 

Personally, I give a guy negative points if he doesn't text me pretty much immediately after a great date to check if I got home safe. It makes me question his manners at best and his level of interest at worst.

[Batya33]

In my experience, similar sort of behavior comes across desperate/annoying or exciting/desirable based on how much I actually like a guy. If I feel rather lukewarm about him, then being bombarded with texts would be a turn off. On the other hand, when I am super excited about the guy, I get annoyed/worried when he doesn't text me often. I don't think you can scare away a girl who's actually excited about you by showing interest (just don't come across as a stalker). On the other hand, if she's not interested in you, it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do.

 

Personally, I give a guy negative points if he doesn't text me pretty much immediately after a great date to check if I got home safe. It makes me question his manners at best and his level of interest at worst.

 

I've been interested and then had less interest if the guy bombarded me with calls/messages -those initial impressions can be fragile.