My ground rules for online dating

[baffledgirl]

I've been interested and then had less interest if the guy bombarded me with calls/messages -those initial impressions can be fragile.

 

Being bombarded with messages is an extreme and all extremes are, of course, unhealthy. Still, I do think that right type of messages from the right type of guy are unlikely to turn off a girl who is genuinely interested :) The only time in my life that I slept with a guy on the first date was a result of insane chemistry he's managed to build up via endless texting in the few weeks preceding our meeting. I've never experienced something like this before or after as most texts I get from guys early in dating are pretty boring because we don't have all that much in common yet.

 

I definitely do not recommend daily mundane good morning, good afternoon, how was your day texts, but I don't see how telling a girl you had a good time after great first date and checking in once or twice between dates that are set a week apart could be a turn off (but obviously that's just one woman's opinion). What I was trying to relay originally is that there is a caveat to this statement: What seems like a desirable text from someone you really really like could seem like too much from someone you don't, so there is no hard rule about when and how often it is appropriate to send a text.

[Batya33]

Being bombarded with messages is an extreme and all extremes are, of course, unhealthy. Still, I do think that right type of messages from the right type of guy are unlikely to turn off a girl who is genuinely interested :) The only time in my life that I slept with a guy on the first date was a result of insane chemistry he's managed to build up via endless texting in the few weeks preceding our meeting. I've never experienced something like this before or after as most texts I get from guys early in dating are pretty boring because we don't have all that much in common yet.

 

I definitely do not recommend daily mundane good morning, good afternoon, how was your day texts, but I don't see how telling a girl you had a good time after great first date and checking in once or twice between dates that are set a week apart could be a turn off (but obviously that's just one woman's opinion). What I was trying to relay originally is that there is a caveat to this statement: What seems like a desirable text from someone you really really like could seem like too much from someone you don't, so there is no hard rule about when and how often it is appropriate to send a text.

 

Oh ok -I misread your posts. I was never a fan of a woman emailing or texting a man with a "thank you" unless she forgot to say thank you on a date - because it typically was a transparent "please ask me out again!!!" so in that case yes one text could give a man pause as far as whether his impression was wrong and she was a tad desperate. I never texted when I dated and did not have a cell phone (i was a hold out). If I was really interested in a guy I loved hearing from him that he wanted to see me again with a specific time/place. I didn't need anything else and I didn't want nice emails without plans for a date.

 

I did have one experience of being smitten before we met because of how much we typed/talked - it was a situational thing -we ended up having insane chemistry in person too (but I never chose to have sex in those circumstances for a variety of reasons -not right for me). So I get it. 99% of the time we didn't type or talk much at all before meeting.

 

I don't think there is a hard rule. With rare exception I think it's a bad idea to do a lot of typing and talking to a stranger before meeting and a bad idea to do a lot after a first meet. I think it works much better to get to know each other in person or secondarily maybe a longer phone call between dates if it's going to be more than a week. In general (no hard rules) I think it's much better to get to know someone at a reasonable pace over a longer period of time and in general I think it's a better idea not to try to create an insta-relationship through constant texting or typing messages. No hard rules.

[catfeeder]

I'm wondering if it is getting in the way. It goes something like this...

 

If we end up exchanging more than a few messages, and you live close by enough…

 

[*] I will ask you for a date. [...[ I’m always looking for the next free weekend.

 

Yes, this is a big ask, so it gets in your way. Skip shooting for a full date, and just suggest a quick coffee meet to check one another out, instead. You don't need to wait for weekends for this, you can just schedule these on your way home from work. Multiple nights with multiple people. If anyone stands you up, you can just take your coffee or tea with you for your trip home--no big loss.

 

Quick meets take 15 or 20 minutes, they require no special calendar time, they spare you the expense and time of dating before learning whether you both share any chemistry.

 

Good rules are: Neither can ask the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

 

If I make a date with you and/or we exchange phone numbers and move to texting, you have my focus from that point on. I don’t “multi-thread”, because I don’t believe it is fair to either of us to do so. I don’t expect the same in return, because I think that would be to ask a lot. But at that point, I am only considering you.

 

I'd skip any fidelity of focus prior to learning whether you share chemistry with a prospective date, or not. Most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's just natural odds. So instead of limiting your focus to one stranger over all others for any given time, diffuse your focus, set up a bunch of quick meets over the course of your work week, and if anyone strikes you as dating material, reserve a date night for THAT person.

 

This quick-meet stuff is common practice. Consider reviewing Dr. Joy Browne's 'Dating for Dummies' to learn more.

[jd2007]

Spent the day out and about, and went to my hang this evening.

 

I'm resistant to approach strangers, unless they're damn near bowling me over. But, it was nice to recognize several smiles as I made my way around.

 

And as I was wrapping up at the bar, a real cutie sat right to my left, between me and the stage. I made a little small talk with her, and the band was on break. ...and she was still turned away from me,...and I was ready to go, So I left. Stopped to chat with the bass player on my way out, because I play bass too, and wanted to ask him about something.

 

And as I was leaving, I saw some older dude had taken my place and was chatting her up. And I thought.. maybe I should have been more aggressive? But it didn't feel right to me. I would have felt like I was trying too hard. And I'm sure it would have come across that way.

 

The important thing is that I'm relaxed and not feeling as "hard" as before. And that feels like progress.

 

...but this is all off topic. So maybe I should start a new thread,...on approach anxiety or??? :)

[Batya33]

I don't think you should label this with anything -it's situational. A cold approach at a bar is very difficult no matter what. Trust yourself to know when the vibe isn't there and just tell yourself you'll approach one or two people. And much better is to choose activities where you don't need a cold approach -you're all there for a common interest -and the focus is not on alcohol and it's not overly loud, etc.

 

For example, I've gotten to know the people who sit next to me or in my row each time I volunteer at a fundraising event at my local radio station -they are strangers but we're all there to take donor phone calls so saying hi and talking about our work or other stuff is natural. On the flip side I try not to do more than nod to the person on the next treadmill at my workout room - because I am concerned that they may be there to zone out and have me time and I don't want them to feel like for the next half hour or so they have to make small talk. But if we were taking a class together to learn how to use a treadmill, different.

 

I am not anxious about approaching people -in my many years of dating I did it all the time and let men do the asking out. But even for someone like me it's 100 times easier in a shared activity. I'd try swing or salsa dancing, volunteering backstage at a community theater, volunteer work, a hiking group, a book club, etc.

[lostandhurt]

jd,

 

This is all a learning experience, nothing more nothing less. You are learning who you are and how you feel/perform in dating situations. Sure there are some that are so attractive or so rich that they just fall into it but for the most part we are all like you. We don't want to be rejected, we get nervous meeting someone new, we really aren't our true selves until we can relax around the other person and be natural.

 

You learn by doing in dating. You learn something and then apply it to the next situation. You had a cute woman sit down next to you and you tried chatting her up but for whatever reason she was unresponsive. Did you do something wrong or perhaps didn't do something right? Hard to say but you tried and that is what is important.

 

My one suggestion is to get out of your comfort zone. Be brave, say hi and chat up a lot of women just to be friendly but also for the practice. It takes a little work to get to a place where you feel comfortable and are more care free about what happens. Being rejected is not fatal so if you are out and about and you get a long look and a smile introduce yourself if they look to be single. After all they may just be there hoping to meet a guy just like you...

 

Lost