Very Angry at Fiance for making plans with a woman colleague !!

[Jibralta]

I'd rather get a divorce than break it off now. Not because I'm desperate to keep him because he isn't holly and I get looks everywhere I go..it's not like I won't find anyone again; but because I don't want to have any doubts when I do it.

 

I don't understand your logic. You don't want to break it off unless you have no doubt that he is cheating. But you don't mind marrying him when you have doubts about his fidelity and/or honesty?

 

Have you thought about this?

[bluecastle]

I had to laugh when you mentioned the booty pics with the peach emojis. Oh, goodness.

 

Wordy and existential may be my default on here, but, well, no harm in trying to make a point with a good joke.

 

Wink emoji. Laughing with tears emoji.

[Hollyj]

I don't understand your logic. You don't want to break it off unless you have no doubt that he is cheating. But you don't mind marrying him when you have doubts about his fidelity and/or honesty?

 

Have you thought about this?

 

Does any of it make sense! Ugh.

[bluecastle]

I don't understand your logic. You don't want to break it off unless you have no doubt that he is cheating. But you don't mind marrying him when you have doubts about his fidelity and/or honesty?

 

Have you thought about this?

 

I'm going to take a stab at this. I think, to some degree, that the power OP has in this relationship is being a policewoman. She is the "good" one, he is the not so good one. She's kind of waiting for him to slip, so she can punish and scold and feel powerful.

 

And he knows this—hence the deletion of the texts. He didn't want to be scolded. And yet he kinda sorta does—hence he lets her know a nurse has a crush on him. That's like introducing the gun in the first act of the play—you know it's going to go off later, at some point, you just don't know how.

 

So there's that tension. And, as mentioned, I think that tension is part of the "passion" here.

[Loralora]

I don't understand your logic. You don't want to break it off unless you have no doubt that he is cheating. But you don't mind marrying him when you have doubts about his fidelity and/or honesty?

 

Have you thought about this?

 

I'm just not at that breaking it off point yet and I do think it will get better. There were phases of 3months straight that we didn't argue about anything.

 

In a relationship, engaged or married; I don't want to end it unless I am fully at that point and feel there is nothing left.

 

I have been in a failed relationship before I know how that feels.

 

I don't know if I'll get to the point of marrying him. All I know is that right now I happen to be engaged to him that doesn't mean I will100% marry him.

 

Of course he has to change for me to marry him. I'll know if he doesn't change and I'll know if he does. You can tell the difference when you've been with someone a long time.

 

P.s. I didn't even need to see the text to know he was hiding something this time, I know him enough by his body language, facial expression the way he talks when he does.

So I think change will be transparent. If not, then no I will not marry him.

 

Maybe medical school and experience with patients have taught me to read people more based on their facial expression and body language. Sometimes I can tell the facial expression and "look" of a hypertensive person before actually measuring it (their blood pressure).

And my fiancé is a readable person, some people are harder to read.

I always tell when he had a bad day at work before he even talks.

[Loralora]

Bluecastle I agree to some part with the other part of your comment but not with this

I think that tension is part of the "passion" here.

 

Because when we're mad at each other I don't kiss him, have sex even holding his hand seems wrong to me. I don't even feel the attraction when I'm mad at him.

 

I think this fact is true in younger couples in their teens.

 

Today he grabed my arm and I turned it into a fist when he did so he couldn't put his fingers between mine...but then I felt bad so I returned "the grip".

 

We never do those things when we're angry because I don't like to and neither does he.

 

So being angry = no passion

[SherrySher]

The bottom line is, you either choose to go back to him or you don't. If you choose to go back to him, there is a chance he will lie and cheat on you.

 

Own that.

 

You go back to him knowing this and knowing you could be badly hurt.

 

If you want to take the risk, then do so.

 

Nothing more to say.

[Loralora]

The bottom line is, you either choose to go back to him or you don't. If you choose to go back to him, there is a chance he will lie and cheat on you.

 

Own that.

 

You go back to him knowing this and knowing you could be badly hurt.

 

If you want to take the risk, then do so.

 

Nothing more to say.

 

Yes, I will have to tale the risk.

[SherrySher]

So be it.

 

I hope for the best for you. Take care.

[Loralora]

I wrote on this forum to get help getting on the right track of things and you all really helped me.

 

If I wouldn't have shared my problem with you all, I probably would have felt much more vunerable about something that was not my fault. I would also have felt less powerful and less in control.

 

Since so many people agree with me then I will be harder on him and more persistent.

 

So you helped me get a better perspective on things. Because I tend to be very selfcritical sometimes.

 

Thanks, all the best to you all !

[Jibralta]

Good luck!!

[boltnrun]

"Of course he would have to change for me to marry him."

 

If someone has to "change" in order for them to be right for you...they're wrong for you.

[Loralora]

"Of course he would have to change for me to marry him."

 

If someone has to "change" in order for them to be right for you...they're wrong for you.

 

I wan't him to change some of the bad habbits he has not everything.

 

Most things about him I like or I wouldn't be with him.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Also agree that policing or parenting a partner is a huge relationship killer. It indicates an enormous lack of trust, respect and boundaries. Three major qualities healthy relationships must have. No only would "policing and scolding" be a red flag it would be a deal breaker and the end.

So being angry = no passion

[boltnrun]

I wan't him to change some of the bad habbits he has not everything.

 

Most things about him I like or I wouldn't be with him.

 

It's still you wanting him to change.

 

Has he said "I want to change for you"?

[Hollyj]

It's still you wanting him to change.

 

Has he said "I want to change for you"?

 

Great question! But, he should want to change for himself, so that he can be a better man. Unfortunately, he does not see anything wrong.

[Loralora]

It's still you wanting him to change.

 

Has he said "I want to change for you"?

 

He said he WILL change the things that are bothering me.

 

I don't know if he will really change, I'll just have to wait and see.

 

If he doesn't I'll notice because he can't hide forever. There is no perfect crime.

 

I'm just going to be hoppeful that he will for now and give him the benefit of the doubt.

[Starlight925]

He said he WILL change the things that are bothering me.

 

I don't know if he will really change, I'll just have to wait and see.

 

If he doesn't I'll notice because he can't hide forever. There is no perfect crime.

 

I'm just going to be hoppeful that he will for now and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

So 12 pages later, and we are back where we started.

[Loralora]

So 12 pages later, and we are back where we started.

 

Not exactly! 😊

[Jibralta]

He said he WILL change the things that are bothering me.

 

I don't know if he will really change, I'll just have to wait and see.

 

If he doesn't I'll notice because he can't hide forever. There is no perfect crime.

 

I'm just going to be hoppeful that he will for now and give him the benefit of the doubt.

 

When is he going to change those things? Today? Tomorrow? Forty years from now?

 

How long are you planning to wait?

[Loralora]

When is he going to change those things? Today? Tomorrow? Forty years from now?

 

How long are you planning to wait?

 

Until the next time he does something like this again. Or anything I don't like and have already warned him/talked about it with him once before.

I've lost most of my patience with him. It takes one more time for me.

 

If he hasn't changed he'll do it soon.