Jump to content

Very Angry at Fiance for making plans with a woman colleague !!


Recommended Posts

I can get a better man. But I'm hopping he will get better.

 

I have self respect. And I am more attractive than he is everybody around has has said that; the thing is that our whole familys are now tied friends everything.

 

It isn't as bad as cheating that's why I'm willing to give it one last try.

 

I had been with my husband a decade by then . Still wasn’t gonna put up with anymore of that horse crap .

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 120
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

I can get a better man. But I'm hopping he will get better.

 

I have self respect. And I am more attractive than he is everybody around us has said that; the thing is that our whole familys are now tied friends everything.

 

It isn't as bad as cheating that's why I'm willing to give it one last try.

 

In our culture breaking up an engagement is a VERY BIG deal. You are all very lucky you live in a different culture.

 

 

Okay. So then you will have a lifetime of this. Next, you will be excusing cheating hoping he will change. He lied, name called, and is deceptive. That is bad.

 

I'm out. You are going to continue with this guy, hoping he will change into someone he is not.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
I can get a better man. But I'm hopping he will get better.

 

I have self respect. And I am more attractive than he is everybody around us has said that; the thing is that our whole familys are now tied friends everything.

 

It isn't as bad as cheating that's why I'm willing to give it one last try.

 

In our culture breaking up an engagement is a VERY BIG deal. You are all very lucky you live in a different culture.

 

So how big a deal is getting a divorce in your culture?

 

In your culture, which is a bigger deal....breaking an engagement, or getting a divorce, possibly with kids?

 

Look, you came to us asking our opinions. 6 pages in, and the opinions are all the same.

 

It's your choice now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I understand this is hard.

 

I also think you want to take a minute to isolate what's really under your skin here, really in your gut, and how long it's been there.

 

Whether your fiancé is a cad, a player, a sucker for female attention—I don't know. I waver, reading this thread. And I don't really think that's even the point, the real problem here.

 

This is not really about nurses, texts, deleting texts. This is about a dynamic that is deeply dysfunctional.

 

It seems to me that there is a pattern of (a) you being upset by something; (b) him dismissing it, flipping it back on you; and © you finding yourself more upset/unnerved than soothed after these exchanges. That's gaslighting 101. You find yourself cast in the "crazy" role as he casts himself in the "rational" role, even when he's the one who acted like an idiot.

 

Female colleagues seem to be the major culprit, but I do wonder if this comes up in other areas.

 

I do wonder if your frustration right now isn't really about the nurses, the texts, but a more general frustration of not having your feelings—your humanity—respected and acknowledged. Because from everything you've shared so far? He is not doing that.

 

You should not have to fight for that inside a relationship; it's not the carrot at the end of the stick. A relationship, whatever its ups and downs, should exist because you feel that you're with someone with an intrinsic respect for your feelings and humanity.

 

Will they mess up, hurt you? OF COURSE. People sometimes suck. The important thing is that, when they mess up and/or hurt you, they own it. That's respect.

 

And, look, that he goes into manipulation/defensive mode when it comes to the subject of women/nurses/etc. is a big red flag. You know why people do that? It's because they feel cornered and caught and don't have the spine to take ownership of when they suck.

 

I'm not saying he's cheating, scheming. But he is deleting text messages in front of you, which is being shady. And instead of apologizing for being a shady mf he's deflecting it back on you and calling you shady, which is even shadier.

 

Are you seeing that?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You know what the problem is? He enjoys the attention from these other women.

 

If he could just make it known that he is in a happy, serious relationship and he does not want these extra attentions, then none of these fights would occur.

It's a matter of respect.

 

He doesn't say anything because he likes that they like him and/or possibly want him. He doesn't put his foot down and he strings them along into thinking there might be a chance.

 

Then he deletes texts messages (very devious). If he can't even be honest with you, how will it ever work? Going back to my original point, he'd have no texts to quickly delete if he had kept things professional in the first place.

 

Then he blames it all on you and name calls.

 

Honestly, I don't think you can fix this. You've told him more than once and he still continues this behavior. From my experience with men like this, it will get worse in the future, not better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you live in a culture where being married is very important for social status as well?

It seems you are scared of the social repricussions if you were to break off the engagement.

And he obviously enjoys still tooling around as though he's not actually committed to someone ( you). I wonder if this is a marriage for reasons other than love for both of you?

 

It's your life. It doesn't look good from my vantage point - I actually think if you put up with now, once you are married, it'll be much worse. And then whatever reasons that you are scared to stand up and be willing to walk away now, will multiply too.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

No we're not together just because we should be married. It's not that bad in our culture. If it were like that , I would have had my family arrange a marriage.

 

I did have a relationship before but I just hid it and only a few people knew.

 

We are together for love not for anything else. At least I am.

 

If I have to and a time really does come when I say enough is enough, if I think it has 100% to be broken I will cut it off.

 

But it's not the time now I am not 100% sure yet.

 

I am not about to tell my dad (who had a heart attack a year ago) that I broke off an engagement for this.

 

I will test him a bit more. If he isn't scared to lose me and does not change I will leave him. Because if I leave now, I will always have regrets why I didn't give it one more chance.

 

I did leave before (my ex/my first)and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I can and will do it agaon if I have to. The main problem I had with my ex was his constant nightclubing. We'll see.

 

I want to thank everyone about your comments

Link to post
Share on other sites
No we're not together just because we should be married. It's not that bad in our culture. If it were like that , I would have had my family arrange a marriage.

 

I did have a relationship before but I just hid it and only a few people knew.

 

We are together for love not for anything else. At least I am.

 

If I have to and a time really does come when I say enough is enough, if I think it has 100% to be broken I will cut it off.

 

But it's not the time now I am not 100% sure yet.

 

I am not about to tell my dad (who had a heart attack a year ago) that I broke off an engagement for this.

 

I will test him a bit more. If he isn't scared to lose me and does not change I will leave him.

 

I did leave before and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And I can and will do it agaon if I have to. We'll see.

 

I want to thank everyone about your comments

 

 

So many excuses. Just think how dad will feel when you have to get a divorce.

 

"Testing" a relationship. That's really healthy. You are in such state of denial out of desperation to keep this guy in your life. This is on you when he does it again, and he will. He does not respect you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So many excuses. Just think how dad will feel when you have to get a divorce.

 

"Testing" a relationship. That's really healthy. You are in such state of denial out of desperation to keep this guy in your life. This is on you when he does it again, and he will. He does not respect you.

 

I'd rather get a divorce than break it off now. Not because I'm desperate to keep him because he isn't holly and I get looks everywhere I go..it's not like I won't find anyone again; but because I don't want to have any doubts when I do it.

 

And I will try to do what ~Seraphim~ did and see if it works.

Link to post
Share on other sites
He will simply become better at hiding things. Are you going to also check his phone when he is not looking?

 

Lora, you can't have a relationship without trust!

 

Yes that is excatly what I will do. When some time passes and I see nothing bad in his phone for years then I would not need to check it anymore since I will regain my trust.

 

I will check it when he is looking too because he brought it upon himself.

 

He can check my phone anytime he wants. He will NEVER fins anything inappropriate.

 

Why does it always have to be "checking". What if I need to make a phone call and take his phone. I should be able to take his phone and see nothing wrong inside it.

 

The truth will come out nobody can always hide it.

 

I'm drinking beer right now and am a little tipsy, it helps me get through this, so excuse my straight out raw honesty. Thank God I have the night shift tomorrow and I don't have to be at work till 3 p.m.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Then you've already made up your mind to go ahead with your marriage.

 

Can I ask you a question? Why did you start this topic? If you were only going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you allow all of us to take time out of our busy lives to provide you with all this advice? I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate this.

 

You have an answer for every post. People have spent a lot of energy giving you advice, and you've rejected every single thought.

 

Marry him. Live a lifetime of checking his phone, of jumping every time the phone rings. of being called "psycho" and worse.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Then you've already made up your mind to go ahead with your marriage.

 

Can I ask you a question? Why did you start this topic? If you were only going to do what you wanted anyway, why did you allow all of us to take time out of our busy lives to provide you with all this advice? I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate this.

 

You have an answer for every post. People have spent a lot of energy giving you advice, and you've rejected every single thought.

 

Marry him. Live a lifetime of checking his phone, of jumping every time the phone rings. of being called "psycho" and worse.

 

I agree!!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

He just called me and apologised for calling me a hebephrenic schizophren. He said we should meet tomorrow. On the phone I told him we need to talk about the future and if this continues to happen we won't be together anymore.

 

So what else should I say tomorrow?

 

I will do the me or them thing. And tell him stop trying to be "Capt Save a Hoe" just like~Seraphim~…

 

And that he really does something like this again it's over. And the next time he does it it really will be over.

Edited by Loralora
Link to post
Share on other sites
I wanted to know if I am wrong. Am I overdoing it or is it him. You all helped me alot. But he didn't technically cheat. He didn't go and meet up with her before the dinner party

 

He lied, deflected and called you names. And, he would have met her if you had not caught it. If you find this to be okay, then great.

 

I suggest counseling for your low self worth .

Link to post
Share on other sites
He just called me and apologised for calling me a hebephrenic schizophren. He said we should meet tomorrow. On the phone I told him we need to talk about the future and if this continues to happen we won't be together anymore.

 

So what else should I say tomorrow?

 

I will do the me or them thing. And tell him stop trying to me "Capt Save a Hoe" just like~Seraphim~…

 

And that he really does something like this again it's over. And the next time he does it it really will be over.

You have not followed anyone's advice, so why would you take it now. You have defended and excused all the way.

 

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites
He has an excuse even for that. He says they were going to meet with another guy not just her. He said it wouldn't have been just the two od them. And he said she invited him not he her.
but, there were no texts from this guy. And, you believe the story where he only saved her texts.

 

This is so frustrating.

Link to post
Share on other sites
but, there were no texts from this guy. And, you believe the story where he only saved her texts.

 

This is so frustrating.

 

No but on her text she said: "I don't know where...but let's meet up and go there together" so I'm decoding that he asked her at which coffee they were going to meet that man because they knew the place the dinnerparty was, her "I don't know" only makes sense in this scenario.

 

I would like to think this incident has scared him enough for him to never ever do this again to me.

 

Allthough I am at very bad state. Maybe worse than him.

 

One more time is all I need.

 

I would like to think everyone, you all helped me get through this horrible weekend.

And eventhough it might not look like it; you did talk some sense into me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
One more time is all I need.

 

Lora, you sound addicted to this man, and not in a good way. Why do you feel you need him so badly?

 

You're an intelligent, educated woman. Logically you know he will continue these behaviors and only hide it better from you. He wanted to meet this nurse and he was trying to hide it from you. That alone should be enough nevermind the name calling and the fact that he's done this before.

 

You are walking into a situation where I am sure it will end with you getting divorced and him running off with some other woman.

Your head is telling you to leave and yet your heart is telling you he might be okay.

 

But the heart is going to make a fool out of you.

 

You said so yourself, you are a nice looking woman, you're well educated, you don't need him.

 

I think you feel an unhealthy addiction to him more than anything else. It sounds toxic.

I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish.

 

If it was arguing about money or wedding plans or living arrangements,etc, those things are fixable.

But a man playing around with other women, hiding things from you, then blaming you and name calling....it's not fixable.

On some level you know this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...