Honeymoon Over!

[pippy longstocking]

Haven't read other replies yet , so don't know if I am on my own with this ...anyhow never stopped me before ..

 

You pissed him off , he snapped, you said sorry , he said sorry , you said ok , he said sorry again , you said that's fine ..all is good , no need for any drama ....tell your friend to get laid or something to get the stress out of her .

[Capricorn3]

The thing is it’s not the end of a “honeymoon .” It was a disagreement . After 30 years we are still honeymoon . Disagreements and shyte happen. It is life.

 

^ My twin. We think alike, lol.

 

Seriously, partners are bound to get on each others nerves every once in a while and get a bit snappy, even in a "harsh" way. A partnership is not always going to be a bed of roses and whisper sweet nothings in each others ears. Main message is if it was resolved (which it was), then that's it. Over and done with. No need to chew it to bits and even worse, no need to go out and discuss it with your friends.

[Starlight925]

Also, I want to clarify: this wasn't a disagreement.

 

This was her accidentally interrupting him, and him snapping at her. Much different than a garden-variety disagreement.

 

That being said, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't snapped at someone before. Perhaps you simply startled him. He was in a zone. Imagine you are doing your hobby, let's say it's jewelry-making, and his interruption caused you to drop some findings and possibly ruin the piece.

 

I think to say the "honeymoon is over", isn't the case. This is about working within your newly revealed levels of personality differences. This isn't good or bad; it just depends on what you want from a relationship.

 

As for your friend, yeah, she's showing you that she's going to be that "Told you so, always hated him" friend. Eccch. I have a "friend" like that.....I've actually moved her to "acquaintance" status. I suggest you do the same with this one.

[Capricorn3]

Haven't read other replies yet , so don't know if I am on my own with this ...anyhow never stopped me before ..

 

You pissed him off , he snapped, you said sorry , he said sorry , you said ok , he said sorry again , you said that's fine ..all is good , no need for any drama ....tell your friend to get laid or something to get the stress out of her .

 

This post made my day! lol.

[pippy longstocking]

You know Kat , some friends really mean well ..but when it is a friend who thrives in drama themselves with relationships , their advice is usually coming from a place of conflict not love . Although not meant like that I am sure ..none the less ....................

[Seraphim]

Shrug, people snap now and then. Getting older though I realize this doesn’t mean impending disaster. It is fixable.

[katrina1980]

I'd be taken aback as well.

 

At 6-7 months, the oxytocin high starts to wear off, and we start to see each other much more clearly. This is why it's so often said that we need to see a partner through all four seasons, or one year, before making any major decisions.

 

We also become much more comfortable, as our own "new relationship" mask wears off. This is where we get to wear sweat pants and keep our hair in a ponytail, lol! But it's also where true personalities emerge.

 

Since this was a first time, I'd simply take note. You've already told him how you feel.

This is not dissimilar to the other 40+ page thread here (lol, I know you know what we're talking about), where you expressed a need/desire/issue, and now it's up to you to gauge future incidents. As in that thread, if this happens again, it'll be up to you to decide your next course of action.

 

Thnx LG but I did not actually tell him how I felt, instead I "made nice" told him no worries, and let it go.

 

That's why my friend called me too easy and a pushover, she felt I should have been pissed and told him not to ever speak to me that harshly again.

 

That's not really me though, and I understood why he snapped. I agree that I startled him, perhaps caused him to lose focus.

 

In that particular instance, I really felt it best to let it go.

 

If it continues to happen, I will speak up!

[Seraphim]

You know Kat , some friends really mean well ..but when it is a friend who thrives in drama themselves with relationships , their advice is usually coming from a place of conflict not love . Although not meant like that I am sure ..none the less ....................

 

Yes, don’t look for relationship advice from hotheads.

[katrina1980]

You know Kat , some friends really mean well ..but when it is a friend who thrives in drama themselves with relationships , their advice is usually coming from a place of conflict not love . Although not meant like that I am sure ..none the less ....................

 

Thank you pippy, very true and agree.

[j.man]

Spend enough time with any one person, **** happens. Just make sure **** happens stays **** happens and that happening doesn't become ****. That's when you heed Courtney's dramatic advice.

[j.man]

I'm drinking rum and making fried spicy chicken sandwiches so don't mind me.

[Starlight925]

Thnx LG but I did not actually tell him how I felt, instead I "made nice" told him no worries, and let it go.

 

That's why my friend called me too easy and a pushover, she felt I should have been pissed and told him not to ever speak to me that harshly again.

 

That's not really me though, and I understood why he snapped. I agree that I startled him, perhaps caused him to lose focus.

 

In that particular instance, I really felt it best to let it go.

 

If it continues to happen, I will speak up!

 

Oh ok, I understand. You told him no worries, and let it go. Then keep it gone....i.e., don't bring it up again. I know you're not going to, but I just think it's something to realize is most likely a one-off, and don't overthink it.

 

As for your friend, I actually think she's trying to tell you to make sure you stand up for yourself. Where she went too far is in advising you tell him to "never speak that harshly to you again". Um, overreact much? I think she's likely projecting something onto you there.

 

I, too, think you simply startled him. He sounds like a great guy, and I bet this is a once-only type of situation.

[pippy longstocking]

I'm drinking rum and making fried spicy chicken sandwiches so don't mind me.

 

I raise your chicken and present ...drum roll .... tea and a chocolate biscuit ....ok ok sounded better in my head

[Batya33]

Chiming in but not much original to add. For what it’s worth I really like the way you handled it. I really like how he apologized. I also like that you recognized that it was impulsive on his part and not his shining moment but ... human! (And I know you didn’t ruin his work or mean to but he thought you may have accidentally done so). Agree with all the others that if it becomes habitual different story. You did not act like a pushover. You chose to treat it lightly and move on. And - he apologized. So obviously he respects you and feels badly and cares for you. A success!

[Wiseman2]

And this is why confiding in this friend, giving her the play-by-play, is something to reconsider

She said I should.....

[bluecastle]

This was handled well. No one was a push over.

 

Given the window we got into this friend from the last post, I think the main takeaway (since this isn't regular behavior from bf) is that friend is a pot-stirrer who might not be worth trusting with certain intimate details.

 

I've had friends like this, who find sly ways to meddle in relationships under the guise of looking out for me. I'm not saying she's malicious in intent, but if her comfort place is being wound up and a little dramatic she's going to want others around her to be wound up as well.

 

No one is a saint 24/7. Sometimes people snap. To my mind, relationships often work best when one person can remain chill when the other skips momentarily off the rails, and vise versa. If one person is always the chill one to the others rail-skipping—yeah, a problem. If it's an occasional dance in otherwise smooth seas—that's being grownups.

[katrina1980]

Thanks guys.

 

Just to clarify again, this was a bit more than a "snap" I can handle occassional snaps, I snap too sometimes, not aggressively which this was , more so than your occasional everyday snap.

 

I admit I am a bit more sensitive than most about such things, but his aggressive tone and the "goddamnit Kat!" I was really taken aback by it.

 

But i realized where it came from and chose to not make a huge deal of it.

 

I've snapped too, but not aggressive like that.

 

Anyway, we're over it, all is good, he realized it was over the top and apologized without any prompting from me! :)

 

As for my friend, in her defense, her past relationships were verbally and mentally abusive, I think there was physical abuse too although she hasn't mentioned it. But definitely verbal and mental abuse.

 

So she's sensitive to these types of outbursts and said that's how it begins, and to shrug it off and "make nice" is a mistake.

 

She learned that in her therapy which is ongoing.

 

That's what got me thinking about it and that perhaps I was too easy to forgive and instead of saying "no worries!" telling him "well yeah that was a bit over the top but appreciate the apology" or something like that.

 

I was never in an abusuve relationship, however prior to my long term relationship ending two years ago, my ex became verbally abusive while on drugs, said some very ugly things, derogatory names and I got mad and spoke up.

 

And ended it a few weeks thereafter.

 

But this was nothing compared to that, so chose to let it go.

 

So I think my friend was just trying to be protective of me, cause tbh I am pretty "soft," nice and easy going about most things, like I said I really try to not sweat the small stuff, which in my mind this was.

 

Thsnks again for your help in sorting this out!

[Starlight925]

Thanks guys.

 

Just to clarify again, this was a bit more than a "snap" I can handle occassional snaps, I snap too sometimes, not aggressively which this was , more so than your occasional everyday snap.

 

I admit I am a bit more sensitive than most about such things, but his aggressive tone and the "goddamnit Kat!" I was really taken aback by it.

 

But i realized where it came from and chose to not make a huge deal of it.

 

I've snapped too, but not aggressive like that.

 

Anyway, we're over it, all is good, he realized it was over the top and apologized without any prompting from me! :)

 

As for my friend, in her defense, her past relationships were verbally and mentally abusive, I think there was physical abuse too although she hasn't mentioned it. But definitely verbal and mental abuse.

 

So she's sensitive to these types of outbursts and said that's how it begins, and to shrug it off and "make nice" is a mistake.

 

She learned that in her therapy which is ongoing.

 

That's what got me thinking about it and that perhaps I was too easy to forgive and instead of saying "no worries!" telling him "well yeah that was a bit over the top but appreciate the apology" or something like that.

 

I was never in an abusuve relationship, however prior to my long term relationship ending two years ago, my ex became verbally abusive while on drugs, said some very ugly things, derogatory names and I got mad and spoke up.

 

And ended it a few weeks thereafter.

 

But this was nothing compared to that, so chose to let it go.

 

So I think my friend was just trying to be protective of me, cause tbh I am pretty "soft," nice and easy going about most things, like I said I really try to not sweat the small stuff, which in my mind this was.

 

Thsnks again for your help in sorting this out!

 

I bolded what I want to comment on.

 

I think it's good that you realize that if/when this occurs again, you can have this in your pocket to say to him, that it's actually not ok to be snapped at like that. Especially since it would be the second time. Hoping there's no second time, so no need to re-open it, but it's one of those "aaaah, shoulda said this" moments.

 

Re: Your friend. Her past is not relevant to how she handles situations with you. Just like we posters often use our own pasts as projections for our advice to others, it's not fair for us, or your friend, to use our pasts in that way. However, she's not a licensed professional counselor (I don't think?), so what she has as her best place to come from, is her own past.

 

So, I think you are doing the right thing, in taking what your friend says with a grain of salt. She's advising you from the only place she knows, and the fact that you recognize that will not only save your friendship, but help you filter out this, or any future advice from her.

 

You got this. You're handling this great.

[Batya33]

Not to make too fine a point but my follow up question is his perception -does he believe he told you never to disturb him when he is working on developing because of the risk of ruining his work? If you knew I could see him snapping more aggressively. Also it reminded me that I would snap that way if my husband or son put an open glass/container of liquid near the computer because I've told them never to do that, not even close because of the risk of it spilling and even with closed containers to be mindful. So when my son carelessly spilled liquid on the table, some of which got onto my computer (ended up fine) I snapped, believe me -it was impulsive and I was very angry and very worried that my new computer was now ruined. Not my shining moment, yes, others I am sure know how to stay calm in that situation. I work hard on it and I've made progress but yes, if that's how your boyfriend felt -that something very important and significant could be ruined by a careless moment I can relate to that level of reaction. If you didn't know the risk then I can see him reacting strongly just by impulse but then catching himself and remembering you couldn't have known.

[itsallgrand]

It honestly sounds like you can trust yourself to take appropriate action when needed. You got yourself out in short order when your ex got nasty and out of control, you could do it again if you ever needed to.

 

You deserve to have felt proud of how you handled it. You didn't react back. As someone with a somewhat fiery disposition, I've had to work hard on that aspect, and it is totally worth it. It's an essential skill for a happy relationship.

 

Personally I think you did good :)

[katrina1980]

It honestly sounds like you can trust yourself to take appropriate action when needed. You got yourself out in short order when your ex got nasty and out of control, you could do it again if you ever needed to.

 

You deserve to have felt proud of how you handled it. You didn't react back. As someone with a somewhat fiery disposition, I've had to work hard on that aspect, and it is totally worth it. It's an essential skill for a happy relationship.

 

Personally I think you did good :)

 

Wow thank you for that!

 

And to everyone, I wasn't expecting this level of support, given the amount of threads discussing abusive relationships and the signs to look for.

 

After what my friend said, I started second guessing my reaction, but good to know I reacted appropriately in that situation.

 

TBH it's been in the back of my mind ever since so letting it go for good now, I'm feeling much better!!

 

Good advice re my friend too!

[Starlight925]

Wow thank you for that!

 

And to everyone, I wasn't expecting this level of support, given the amount of threads discussing abusive relationships and the signs to look for.

 

After what my friend said, I started second guessing my reaction, but good to know I reacted appropriately in that situation.

 

TBH it's been in the back of my mind ever since so letting it go for good now, I'm feeling much better!!

 

Good advice re my friend too!

 

I think it's just that I, as well as probably most of us here, are not seeing signs of abuse. This is more like a normal, in-the-moment he got ticked off thing.

 

We all know that all of us here (me included) can automatically go into this rabbit-hole of worst case scenarios, and there can be so much projection from our own pasts into these posts.

 

How many times does a poster say, "In my relationship, blah blah blah", or "When I was dating xyz, blahbity blahbity blah happened", when that usually has very little to do with the current topic.

 

Licensed counselors are trained to work within the confines of what's actually happening in the current situation. You'd never hear a therapist say "When I was in college, I dated a guy who.....blah blah blah".

 

But, we are just random people on a message board, so our past is often all we have to work with.

 

Anyway, I'm glad you feel you're getting the support you need. You deserve it!

[Sportster2005]

My bf snapped at me yesterday (harshly) because I interrupted him while in his darkroom/workshop developing prints.

 

He got pretty mad, he wasnt verbally abusive or anything but did swear (goddamnit Kat!), snapped harshly saying my interrupting had the potential of ruining the prints, which isn't true but whatever.

 

Anyway I was proud of myself cause I just sort of let it roll off, as he's been under a lot of stress from various things.

 

About an hour later, he was in the kitchen and I looked at him sort of sweetly and said "are we friends again?"

 

He said "of course and I'm sorry I snapped at you."

 

I responded "No worries! I'm over it." Which honestly was the truth.

 

We proceeded to have a good day then later he approached me apologizing profusely for the way he spoke to me, saying "you're my girl, my number one, you didn't deserve that. I'm sorry."

 

Again I said "thank you babe but honestly it's okay! I should know better than to interrupt when you're in there."

 

I told a friend about this and she said I'm too easy going and a pushover, that I should have been pissed that he spoke to me so harshly and not so quick to forgive and forget, that it sets a bad precedent.

 

What do y'all think? Am I too easy going and forgiving? Was I too much of a pushover in that instance?

 

I try to not sweat the small stuff, which in my mind this was.

 

I think what your friend is advising borders on spite. I think couples stay together when they are quick to apologize, and quick to accept it and move on.

 

Harboring anger and resentment over someone only leads to a toxic relationship. I've left relationships when partners don't accept an apology and choose to stay angry to teach me a lesson. The only lesson they taught me, was I want to be in a more mature and nurturing relationship.

[Seraphim]

Your friend is too close to her own abuse history. If she is always in an abuse relationship she needs to find out why.

But not everyone who snaps even aggressively is an abusive person . Sometimes they just can’t take any more BS that day .

[catfeeder]

I told a friend about this and she said I'm too easy going and a pushover, that I should have been pissed that he spoke to me so harshly and not so quick to forgive and forget, that it sets a bad precedent.

 

I'd consider this a friend for pursuing whatever activities you enjoy together, but I'd avoid seeking advice from her--at all.

 

The way to confirm that you've handled something well is whether you and partner are both satisfied with the outcome. Anybody who would attempt to stir your pot despite your happiness 'could' be well meaning, but more likely jealous--or just an owner of really-really lousy judgment. Either way, not exactly a good source of input going forward.

 

Head high, and enjOy your lovely and creative genius in your own way.