Partner prioritises gym over family

[Sammie40]

You ARE defending him. He's a control freak and he's got you where he wants you, which is under his thumb. Honestly I'm glad I dont live wherever you do, as in Canada the person who inherits the money keeps the money, they dont split it.

 

His stubbornness over dinner is crazy, those kids are going to grow up and start asking why daddy isnt around much, why he cant find time to play with them for more than 20 minutes a day. He's doing what he does because he can. You are getting the short end of the stick and you need a lawyer and quite possibly to leave and if you have to go to a womens' shelter then that's what you do. You are getting screwed.

 

Yeah that's my feeling too. Those kids are my world. I wasn't even fussed on having kids! It's messed up that he thinks I am extremely high maintenance for asking for more than just the weekends with him.

[Sammie40]

You are raising the kids and do not have a significant income. You should not be paying. This is who he really is!

 

Is your name on the deed?

 

Yes. The house and all bank accounts are in both our names.

[Hollyj]

Yes. The house and all bank accounts are in both our names.

 

Get the hell away from this guy! This is not healthy for your kids, either.

[Sammie40]

Get the hell away from this guy! This is not healthy for your kids, either.

 

I've got some lawyer names and will make calls tomorrow.

[Starlight925]

I've got some lawyer names and will make calls tomorrow.

 

Awesome. Please have the lawyer help you figure out how to get your share of all your money.

 

Do not tell your partner anything. Make calls from a phone other than your cell. If you have to walk to a pay phone, do that.

 

Set up an email account he knows nothing about, and use only that account for legal correspondence. Clear your browser history continually.

 

Please, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to prepare you.

[Hollyj]

I've got some lawyer names and will make calls tomorrow.

 

Good for you.

 

Come back here for support, if needed.

[Sammie40]

Awesome. Please have the lawyer help you figure out how to get your share of all your money.

 

Do not tell your partner anything. Make calls from a phone other than your cell. If you have to walk to a pay phone, do that.

 

Set up an email account he knows nothing about, and use only that account for legal correspondence. Clear your browser history continually.

 

Please, I'm not trying to scare you. I'm trying to prepare you.

 

Thank you. I have started doing that. Have deleted all text messages to friends as well. Good grief. Hard to know where to even start. The scary thing is I left one narcissistic emotional abuser and it seems as though I went straight to another one. Time to stay single I think. I feel pathetic that I have chosen the wrong man yet again. But at least I have incredible children to be grateful for.

[Hollyj]

If you keep on choosing the same type of man, you are the common denominator. Get some therapy to understand your choices. And, stay single for a long while.

[Annia]

Thanks for your post. He is the breadwinner and I was on maternity leave and then decided to not go back to my full time job as I valued my time with the kids. So yes, we have been totally dependent on him while I establish my business. That's life as a new mum on maternity leave isn't it? I didn't place my inheritance in a joint account, he works at a bank so he set up the account in both our names. Of course legally it's then both ours. However, when I initially raised the topic of the inheritance he brought up the fact that his father gifted us money to help us out in our new home and therefore any money that comes in is 'ours' not 'his' or 'mine', which I took to be a fair call.

 

Still not a fair call to take away the money to an account you have no access to. Be very careful, this is a huge red flag.

[itsallgrand]

Thanks for your post. He is the breadwinner and I was on maternity leave and then decided to not go back to my full time job as I valued my time with the kids. So yes, we have been totally dependent on him while I establish my business. That's life as a new mum on maternity leave isn't it? I didn't place my inheritance in a joint account, he works at a bank so he set up the account in both our names. Of course legally it's then both ours. However, when I initially raised the topic of the inheritance he brought up the fact that his father gifted us money to help us out in our new home and therefore any money that comes in is 'ours' not 'his' or 'mine', which I took to be a fair call.

 

No, it doesn't have to be how life as a mom on maternity leave has to be. Also, it sounds like you decided to stay off work past maternity leave and to start an at home business at this time- counting on your partners income to do so.

 

I'm planning on hopefully getting a chance to be a mom, and I've been saving and have plans for how I do not need to depend on my partners income. It's choice to place yourself as a dependent.

 

Good luck with the lawyer.

[Eymerich]

Well I'm a gym nuts myself and I would be incline to defend the guy but I choose my life accordingly and live on my own.

 

He sounds very selfish towards you and your kids and the huge shifting hours is no excuses. I'm a lawyer and my typical day is wake up at 7am, work at 8am until 8-9pm with also a 30min lunch break or no lunch break at all (eat on the desk). Yet I manage to find time to see my friends at least 1 time a week.

 

Your partner bull you on so many level.

 

First, I don't know what is training program but he does not need to work out everyday, that is pure BS if he is not on PED. He can make huge progress on a 4-5 days a week training program like :

 

- monday : off

-tuesday : on

- wednesday : off/on

- thursday : on

- friday : off

- saturday : on

- sunday : on

 

Regarding that schedule he could be with you and the kids monday, wednesday night, see his friends on friday. Train on the morning like 10am on the week-end, spend the saturday afternoon with the kids and the night with friends and spend sunday in family.

 

This schedule will maximise gainzzzz and family life.

 

Secondly, if he insists on working out every day of the week, which I call BS as I don't believe someone is ready to train hardcore the 4th and 5th day if he has done the heavy duty during 3 days straigth. He can easely, two times in the week, get out at 5:30 pm, be home at 6pm plays with the kids, eat with you and the kids at 6:30 or 7pm, wait one hour and put them to bed, then hit the gym at 7:30pm and he will be home at 10:30pm.

 

That means whatever the scenario he chooses, he can make decent gainzz and still spend at least one night with the family, even two.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fuc... control freak too and I know the importance of schedule, it is highly reassuring and ease the spirit, reduce the stress and so on but he chooses to have a wife and kids, he should act accordingly.

 

Now, I would advise to don't go balls out and try to makes things work, you love enough each other at some point to have kids, I hope that this will not collapse over a ing gym shcedule.

 

Wish you the best.

[nutbrownhare]

The scary thing is I left one narcissistic emotional abuser and it seems as though I went straight to another one.

 

Yep, been there, done that.

 

One of the things about clever emotional abusers is that the abuse doesn't start until they have control over you in other ways, making it very difficult for you just to walk away from the situation. While I'm not saying he doesn't love your kids, trying to get/keep the woman pregnant or tied down is one of the ways is one of the ways these guys can gain control; this is why it makes sense that he regarded kids as a deal breaker, but isn't that interested in them now they're here.

 

He didn't use to be that way. His theory is that we get the same 'pocket money' so therefore we should go halves on extravagant things like dining out.

 

Even though he's out there earning megabucks and you don't have a significant income? This idea of everything belonging to both of you only seems to work one way, doesn't it? ("What's yours is mine, and what's mine is mine!")

 

I'm glad he's not actually hurt you physically, but don't underestimate how much of a toll living in a crazy-making situation like this will take on your physical and emotional health. If you don't feel ready to do anything practical yet, try and get hold of a book called 'Men who Hate Women and the Woman who Love Them', which will probably go part way to explaining why you're feeling the way you do.

 

Look after yourself!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you are overemphasizing this rigid "family dinner" thing. Many people need to decompress and unwind when they get home from work. Your rigid schedule is the problem. Try to reconnect in other ways. For example feed the kids early, then have adult dinner together later.

 

Maybe stop being all about you and all about the kids. Especially since you are refusing to have sex. It seems you lack insight into your contribution to the issues. Since he's "so wealthy" get a baby sitter once in a while and go out like a couple rather than forget you are a woman and only identify with being mommy.

 

Be realistic and stop trying to emulate TV families from half a century ago. Do what works for the family system. He's not suddenly an "abusive narcissist" because his workweek way of coping and reducing stress is not in line with your rigid concepts. There are many many ways to interact as a family. He can't take your family inheritance without your permission.

I don't want sex either,

My partner and I have two year old twin boys - I am wanting to establish proper family time - sitting down together to eat dinner as much as possible for starters. To me family mealtimes are crucial as a way to reconnect and unwind together and to show our children that we value our time with them.

[Batya33]

No, it doesn't have to be how life as a mom on maternity leave has to be. Also, it sounds like you decided to stay off work past maternity leave and to start an at home business at this time- counting on your partners income to do so.

 

I'm planning on hopefully getting a chance to be a mom, and I've been saving and have plans for how I do not need to depend on my partners income. It's choice to place yourself as a dependent.

 

Good luck with the lawyer.

 

Same exact situation here. And I implemented this plan (I was home full time for 7 years and had saved my own nest egg before so I wasn't dependent and could contribute to the family income). I didn't know you were not married which I guess makes this more complicated. I hope your meeting with the lawyer goes well, too.

[Wiseman2]

Why paint this as a shady "abusive narcissist" thing when not only did you give him the money to put in a joint account, you also have access to it? Do you have access to the money he earns? It seems you are quite resentful about a host of things and decided eliminating sex would be a good solution.

 

The victim mentality you are carrying over is something you need to explore in therapy so you can distinguish between what is or is not "abusive" and what is simply a scheduled conflict, disagreement about rigid family dinner times and of course the complete lack of adult affection and intimacy you have decided on.

he works at a bank so he set up the account in both our names. Of course legally it's then both ours. However, when I initially raised the topic of the inheritance he brought up the fact that his father gifted us money to help us out in our new home and therefore any money that comes in is 'ours' not 'his' or 'mine', which I took to be a fair call.

[maew]

Why paint this as a shady "abusive narcissist" thing when not only did you give him the money to put in a joint account, you also have access to it? Do you have access to the money he earns? It seems you are quite resentful about a host of things and decided eliminating sex would be a good solution.

 

The victim mentality you are carrying over is something you need to explore in therapy so you can distinguish between what is or is not "abusive" and what is simply a scheduled conflict, disagreement about rigid family dinner times and of course the complete lack of adult affection and intimacy you have decided on.

 

Yea I agree with this... he might be controlling etc (most very successful people are by the way) but you are taking it to the extreme here.

 

He is taking advantage of your dependence on him, and that you are letting him. This isn't about the gym or having dinner together or anything else... it's about your frustration that you aren't getting heard or listened to... and his frustration that you don't appreciate the fact that he is financially taking care of you. Different love languages for sure.

[j.man]

I'm confused about the inheritance. It seems a bit hyperbolic to regard it being put into a term account (equivalent to a CD as most of us are familiar with) as you "not even having access to it" as though he stuffed it into his own checking account. In theory, neither of you have access to it, at least not without a penalty. Granted, I'm a bit perplexed as to how he works at a bank and couldn't come up with a better investment (plenty of ways to get a better return with little, if any increased risk), but with you understandably making a nominal amount, making the inheritance work for you seems sensible. You say he asks you to transfer money to him, so I assume you've got your own account. You say you've got a joint account, so it seems you've got access to general funds. If he's a banker or otherwise is more financially trained or educated, it would make sense he makes decisions about investing lump sums. While, yes, I do think it should be a collaborative decision, I'm not willing to call it him holding you financially hostage. Has he told you that you can't return to work if you'd like to?

 

I also have no idea why dinner can't just be later. My grams had 13 kids and a ~9:00pm dinner time. Same with my family. Granted, it's cultural, but it's not beyond conditioning to, particularly if we're talking a more conventionally moderate hour of 7:30pm - 8:00pm.

 

I can't speak to your arguments or what him "flipping out" exactly entails, whether they on there own aren't in fact worthy of getting in touch with a lawyer over, how much of it may in fact be reciprocal, etc. I'm just not sure if we should be going from 0 to 60 on the divorce train prior to any sort of marital counseling, particularly when we've got the livelihoods of two children to factor in.

[maew]

I also have no idea why dinner can't just be later. My grams had 13 kids and a ~9:00pm dinner time. Same with my family. Granted, it's cultural, but it's not beyond conditioning to, particularly if we're talking a more conventionally moderate hour of 7:30pm - 8:00pm.

 

I was wondering this too. I conditioned my family to adapt to later dinners so their dad and I could hit the gym after work... and the kids were completely fine with it... the bonus is that it taught them the value and importance of prioritizing health and fitness.

[catfeeder]

he comes home and spends about 30 minutes in the house, getting changed out of his suit, changing a nappy and brushing a set of teeth and then he's out the door to the gym and doesn't get home until 7:30-8pm.

 

Negotiation means offering something of value as fair trade for something of value to you. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone 'what's in it for them' to give you what you want. Successful couples negotiate bribes all the time to get mutual wins.

 

I'd ask what kind of bribe I can offer husband to test a possible solution with me for one month. We can start with a great gym bag and a shoe bag of his choice. I'd agree to be in charge of keeping these bags filled with clean versions of everything on a list he makes for me, and I'd leave the gym bag in the passenger seat of his car each night so he won't even need to remember to take it with him in the mornings.

 

This would allow husband to skip the commute home before the gym. He can change in the locker room and hopefully make it home for dinner somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30--that's the thing to test.

 

I'd train the kids to eat all meals a bit later to accommodate a later dinner. I'd promise husband that I'll be open to his feedback on how we can tweak this compromise or skip it after a month. Hopefully, he will come to enjoy the partnership in keeping his gym clothes organized and refreshed, and he'll feel supported by the teamwork.

 

As for finances, I'd propose a 3 account system: His, Hers and Ours. A dollar value of income is assigned to your home and child care services as earnings--so research an average of what these services would cost if you both paid someone else to do them. From there, you each contribute weekly, according to your percentage of income, to the Ours account, which covers your budget for all shared monthly expenses and investments. So if husband earns, say, 75% more than you, he contributes 75% of the monthly Ours budget, and you contribute 25%. The leftover funds go into the His and Hers accounts for each of you to save or spend as you wish. This prevents disputes over discretionary funds.

 

If husband won't compromise on the finances, I'd get good legal advice about your options for self protection along with the steps involved for each option.

 

There's no way that I'd relinquish all power over my financial health. I'd insist that we pay all bills together, and I'd be present and involved in learning about all accounts and ensuring that I have equal access to them.

[Eymerich]

Negotiation means offering something of value as fair trade for something of value to you. Bribery is the fine art of showing someone 'what's in it for them' to give you what you want. Successful couples negotiate bribes all the time to get mutual wins.

 

I'd ask what kind of bribe I can offer husband to test a possible solution with me for one month. We can start with a great gym bag and a shoe bag of his choice. I'd agree to be in charge of keeping these bags filled with clean versions of everything on a list he makes for me, and I'd leave the gym bag in the passenger seat of his car each night so he won't even need to remember to take it with him in the mornings.

 

This would allow husband to skip the commute home before the gym. He can change in the locker room and hopefully make it home for dinner somewhere between 6:30 and 7:30--that's the thing to test.

 

Well, I understand your point but I find it hard that you need to show a father what's in it for him to spend a night eating with his new born kids and his wife.

 

what is the point of founding a family if the only think you care is how much pounds you put on your squat ?

 

And in a more pratical and moral concern, he makes kids, no one put a gun on his head to have them, so now he HAS to raise them properly and that means spend at least a night with them.

 

Regarding the time schedule you propose, I believe that can be made, the op said he already back home between 7:30 and 8pm and that's too late. If the man is out of his job by 5:30pm, even if he has a gym bag, he will be ready in his gym at 6pm and with the warm up and all he will be out at 7pm at minimum, more 7:30 or 8pm depending of his program, so he can't be home before 7:30pm.

 

I believe the best way is for him to eat with the kids/wife at 7pm and be at the gym at 8:30pm he can train till 10pm and be at bed at 10:30pm.