Online dating advice

[purplepaisley]

^^^ Exactly. All talk, all text, no action.

 

Let's say he really did have a leak, and let's say he really did fall asleep and miss your call time.

 

Would you want to date someone who can't handle the simplest issues in life? Getting a leak fixed (by, as you said, calling apartment management), and waking up on time?

 

I went out a few times with a guy like this. Maybe 2-3 dates. On our 3rd date, we were to meet at a certain place and time, and he didn't show up. I sat there and waited and waited. I called him, left messages, and finally, I left.

 

Turns out, he fell asleep and didn't wake up until an hour later. Last time I ever spoke to him. Oh, but 5 years later, he's still on the dating site where we met.

 

The sleeper. I dealt with that one a couple times...next.

 

Dealing with major household situations isn't necessarily as as easy-peasy as calling and having the super deal with it. This is your home and your property, and you have to be available. Whether a home owner waiting for the repair guy, or renting and waiting for the landlord to make arrangements, you can't just go about your life and expect someone else to deal with it. You have to be home, and if you have to wait for someone to show up, you might be reluctant to leave the house lest this minor leak turns into a major leak or flood, in the interim. I have suffered great loss over this scenario, so if this guy the OP is dealing with is truthful, I understand his plight...not that she has to believe it, but I would find it believable...one pass. There had better not be more excuses after this leak is resolved because the reality is, if this man's/woman's life is so messy that there is always some drama precluding a simple date, they really aren't in a good place to date. This household issue should not extend weeks upon weeks...that's either an excuse not to meet you, or someone whose life is so messy, they can't deal with it *and resolve it*, and you don't want to be involved in it....move on.

[Jellybean9]

Yeah, sounds like too much effort just to have a cup of coffee.

 

Jeez.

 

I'd block and run, but that's only because I've learned, these types never step up. If you like him, this will be your relationship.

 

Exactly I'm the same I wouldn't give him the time of day. He doesn't deserve it.

 

But if all he is saying is genuine then good on the OP being direct. As it may just be a lovely first date.

 

Also OP - I had like an almost 3 hour phone call with a guy before the first date. Guess what... It was one of the most awkward first dates despite the fact we got on well on the phone.

 

It turned out he had really strong views on hating homeless people and never wanting kids. Then a bunch of other stuff. We were not compatible what so ever.

 

So incase you don't end up meeting this guy for what ever reason. Know just because you had a nice phone call, it counts for nothing and you haven't missed out with him lol

[Gymgirl71]

Exactly I'm the same I wouldn't give him the time of day. He doesn't deserve it.

 

But if all he is saying is genuine then good on the OP being direct. As it may just be a lovely first date.

 

Also OP - I had like an almost 3 hour phone call with a guy before the first date. Guess what... It was one of the most awkward first dates despite the fact we got on well on the phone.

 

It turned out he had really strong views on hating homeless people and never wanting kids. Then a bunch of other stuff. We were not compatible what so ever.

 

So incase you don't end up meeting this guy for what ever reason. Know just because you had a nice phone call, it counts for nothing and you haven't missed out with him lol

I realize that, but I like to have a convo first to get an idea. Spoke with this guy once and he was horrible. Thought he was all that and insulted me afterwards called me a B. So I like to get a feel.

[Gymgirl71]

The sleeper. I dealt with that one a couple times...next.

 

Dealing with major household situations isn't necessarily as as easy-peasy as calling and having the super deal with it. This is your home and your property, and you have to be available. Whether a home owner waiting for the repair guy, or renting and waiting for the landlord to make arrangements, you can't just go about your life and expect someone else to deal with it. You have to be home, and if you have to wait for someone to show up, you might be reluctant to leave the house lest this minor leak turns into a major leak or flood, in the interim. I have suffered great loss over this scenario, so if this guy the OP is dealing with is truthful, I understand his plight...not that she has to believe it, but I would find it believable...one pass. There had better not be more excuses after this leak is resolved because the reality is, if this man's/woman's life is so messy that there is always some drama precluding a simple date, they really aren't in a good place to date. This household issue should not extend weeks upon weeks...that's either an excuse not to meet you, or someone whose life is so messy, they can't deal with it *and resolve it*, and you don't want to be involved in it....move on.

household issue just occurred. What I meant is you can give the super permission to enter if you can’t be home. We have done that for our tenants at my job. I realize some people like to be home to make sure it’s fixed right though.

[Jellybean9]

I realize that, but I like to have a convo first to get an idea. Spoke with this guy once and he was horrible. Thought he was all that and insulted me afterwards called me a B. So I like to get a feel.

 

Same here! You can tell if someone is normal-ish on the phone.

 

Had a guy once on the way to meet him call me and started shouting at me! He called be a B**** and concluded with the fact I was a f****** time waster. All because I had to finish some stuff from work. Still agreed to meet him. Glad he did that as I never ever met him.

 

I think phone calls before are a great way to guage how someone is.

[Jellybean9]

Please keep us posted!

 

I really want to know how this guy turns out.

 

Fingers crossed it works out :)

[bluecastle]

So, I agree with everything written about this guy, about these sort of vague exchanges with OLD.

 

But, for what it's worth, an alternate theory. Somewhere in this dude's past, or maybe just based on who he is, he instinctively feels "bad" when, you know, life happens. A leak in the house, something at work, something that gets in the way of the little fairy tale we love to sell people (and ourselves) early.

 

So his etiquette goes out the window. Instead of being totally straight (i.e. "Hey, this sucks, x happened, but I'd really like to see you, how's about we do y at time z?") he goes into vague mode, not realizing it comes across as more dodgy (and just boring) than anything else.

 

I used to be this way, not just in romance. I'm kind of a perfectionist, and always want to present my shiniest self: no ceiling leaks here, no sore throats, no foul moods coming on. When the record scratch of life came, I'd shut down a bit, wait for it to pass, do what I needed to resolve it, so I could emerge shiny again. Didn't do me any favors, so I changed.

 

Meet up, see how it goes, try not to let this nonsense color it. As someone else said, with OLD I personally put ZERO weight in anything that happens before a meet-up. Someone looks hot in photos, sounds witty over text—great, but also whatever. Someone gets a little vague, drops off, floats back in—not so great, but also whatever.

 

My excitement/expectation level going into that first meet up is, at best, a .005 on the 1-10 scale. But I try to have my "openness to possibility" as close to a 10 as possible, if that makes sense.

[Starlight925]

If it was just about him needing to cancel due to his leak, I'd completely get it.

 

I own my home, and there literally is no one else to wait for a plumber, so I'd have to cancel as well.

 

Where he lost me was falling asleep instead of making it to the phone call time you agreed upon. Nope, nope.

 

And I have an anger story as well. Once, I didn't feel comfortable giving my number out, so the guy gave me his, and I did *67 prior to the call so my number wouldn't show up. As soon as he answered, I explained the reason, being a single girl & all. He started screaming at me, I'm an f-ing B, etc. He turned out to be the nicest guy in the world....lol.....NOT. Never met him in person.

[Gymgirl71]

If it was just about him needing to cancel due to his leak, I'd completely get it.

 

I own my home, and there literally is no one else to wait for a plumber, so I'd have to cancel as well.

 

Where he lost me was falling asleep instead of making it to the phone call time you agreed upon. Nope, nope.

 

And I have an anger story as well. Once, I didn't feel comfortable giving my number out, so the guy gave me his, and I did *67 prior to the call so my number wouldn't show up. As soon as he answered, I explained the reason, being a single girl & all. He started screaming at me, I'm an f-ing B, etc. He turned out to be the nicest guy in the world....lol.....NOT. Never met him in person.

whoa not cool!!! No wonder he is single

[Wiseman2]

Actually that is a great trait when it comes to time wasters and clowns. 🤡

I have very little tolerance.

[Batya33]

If you want to make it clear that you don't want to be a chatting buddy, don't chat with him. Don't reply to his texts and if he calls, tell him you're too busy to chat but you'd be happy to talk in person if and when he wants to meet.

 

Yes, this. I agree.

[Batya33]

So, I agree with everything written about this guy, about these sort of vague exchanges with OLD.

 

But, for what it's worth, an alternate theory. Somewhere in this dude's past, or maybe just based on who he is, he instinctively feels "bad" when, you know, life happens. A leak in the house, something at work, something that gets in the way of the little fairy tale we love to sell people (and ourselves) early.

 

So his etiquette goes out the window. Instead of being totally straight (i.e. "Hey, this sucks, x happened, but I'd really like to see you, how's about we do y at time z?") he goes into vague mode, not realizing it comes across as more dodgy (and just boring) than anything else.

 

I used to be this way, not just in romance. I'm kind of a perfectionist, and always want to present my shiniest self: no ceiling leaks here, no sore throats, no foul moods coming on. When the record scratch of life came, I'd shut down a bit, wait for it to pass, do what I needed to resolve it, so I could emerge shiny again. Didn't do me any favors, so I changed.

 

Meet up, see how it goes, try not to let this nonsense color it. As someone else said, with OLD I personally put ZERO weight in anything that happens before a meet-up. Someone looks hot in photos, sounds witty over text—great, but also whatever. Someone gets a little vague, drops off, floats back in—not so great, but also whatever.

 

My excitement/expectation level going into that first meet up is, at best, a .005 on the 1-10 scale. But I try to have my "openness to possibility" as close to a 10 as possible, if that makes sense.

 

When I was dating, including meeting over 100 men in person through online sites, I never felt it was my job to try to consider what possibly could be causing the person to flake on calling or meeting or making plans to meet. But first impressions matter a lot and not just in dating. I did my best to make a great first impression and follow through consistently. I was fine with emergencies, apologies, legitimate excuses. But I was not a trained therapist and if I were I wouldn't be wasting time trying to think based on speculation "hmmm I wonder if his etiquette went out the window because of _____". Nope, we're all adults. And especially if he were advertising on an online site that he is single and looking for marriage (the only people I agreed to meet, if they had marriage and family as a life goal) I wasn't going to be ok with my time being wasted because he chose not to use the common courtesy he learned in kindergarten or earlier. Especially since he wouldn't have pulled that crap at his job (I only dated men who were employed or temporarily unemployed). Reliability and good manners were essentials for me for a potential long term relationships so if he was ok with choosing to have bad manners up front I didn't want to hang around to see how much worse it could get.

 

I'm glad bluecastle that you chose to make changes and of course it's your entitlement to meet people who are rude about communicating/planning to meet - we all have different standards and sensibilities. If I were the OP I would do what Eliza suggested as I posted below. I agree that the only relevant information before meeting is the safety risk and whether there's enough in common to justify meeting for a short period of time and having a pleasant conversation. Romantic chemistry isn't discernible prior to meeting and can take more than one meeting to clarify. But strangers show good manners to each other in daily life and in this context you can learn all you need to know by how this stranger behaves on the phone, on e-mail, on arranging a meeting, on reliability. (meaning as a way to screen out - initial good manners doesn't mean it will continue of course!).

[Batya33]

Same here! You can tell if someone is normal-ish on the phone.

 

Had a guy once on the way to meet him call me and started shouting at me! He called be a B**** and concluded with the fact I was a f****** time waster. All because I had to finish some stuff from work. Still agreed to meet him. Glad he did that as I never ever met him.

 

I think phone calls before are a great way to guage how someone is.

 

Same. Many years ago a guy gave me his cell number through an online site. I called that same day -probably an hour or so later. I politely said who I was (I was calling from a landline) and he shouted WHO GAVE YOU THIS NUMBER???? I explained and was taken aback. Then he told me about his green card marriage. So, yes, I dodged a bullet!

[Hollyj]

I think he’s dishonest. He was supposed to call me last night at 8, I get a text at 5:45 am that he fell asleep early because of the ordeal. Highly highly doubt it

 

He is a waste of time. I would block.

[Hollyj]

I texted him to let him know that I don’t feel he is serious about meeting. Told him I’m not looking for a texting buddy but I want to meet someone who I can get to know in person. They got his attention, he wants to meet me today now but I have other obligations so I have to wait and see. If I even do I’m doing it half hearted. Someone who can’t keep their word with something as simple as a phone call isn’t worth my time.

 

Why are you putting in so much effort for a guy you don't even know? You should have blocked him.

 

I hope that you do not change your plans so that you can meet up.

 

In the future, I strongly recommend that you do not send another text similar to the one you sent today. You are looking too invested. You owed him nothing. Remember, you hadn't even been on a date, yet.

[SherrySher]

Seems really weird that he is having this much trouble meeting up for coffee.

 

Me personally, I wouldn't want to keep feeling that I am either twisting someone's arm or begging just for a damn cup of coffee.

 

If he's this much trouble right now, I can't imagine how it's going to be down the line.

 

I would just say, thanks but no thanks and move on.

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't bother investing in long phone convo's before meeting. Instead, I'd use the dating app for speed meeting, and I'd set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on my way home from work a few nights a week--with guys who WILL make the effort to meet.

 

If anybody no-shows, just take your coffee with you, nothing lost. Rules are that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This prevents you from catering to catfish and recluses who just want to build fantasies 'about' people online. Skip that, and don't play with anyone who's not using the app for the same reasons you are. Avoid fantasy building and just meet to learn whether there's any real chemistry to invest in--BEFORE investing.

 

Head high, move forward, and if apartment guy is ever up for a real meet, let him step up to arrange that.

[shineyboot]

Don't waste your time with him

[Jibralta]

I texted him to let him know that I don’t feel he is serious about meeting. Told him I’m not looking for a texting buddy but I want to meet someone who I can get to know in person. They got his attention, he wants to meet me today now but I have other obligations so I have to wait and see. If I even do I’m doing it half hearted. Someone who can’t keep their word with something as simple as a phone call isn’t worth my time.

 

This leaves the door open instead of closing it.

[katrina1980]

I wouldn't bother investing in long phone convo's before meeting. Instead, I'd use the dating app for speed meeting, and I'd set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on my way home from work a few nights a week--with guys who WILL make the effort to meet.

 

If anybody no-shows, just take your coffee with you, nothing lost. Rules are that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This prevents you from catering to catfish and recluses who just want to build fantasies 'about' people online. Skip that, and don't play with anyone who's not using the app for the same reasons you are. Avoid fantasy building and just meet to learn whether there's any real chemistry to invest in--BEFORE investing.

 

Head high, move forward, and if apartment guy is ever up for a real meet, let him step up to arrange that.

 

If I ever do OLD again, I'm gonna do it this^^ way.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't bother investing in long phone convo's before meeting. Instead, I'd use the dating app for speed meeting, and I'd set up a bunch of quick coffee meets on my way home from work a few nights a week--with guys who WILL make the effort to meet.

 

If anybody no-shows, just take your coffee with you, nothing lost. Rules are that neither can corner the other for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

 

This prevents you from catering to catfish and recluses who just want to build fantasies 'about' people online. Skip that, and don't play with anyone who's not using the app for the same reasons you are. Avoid fantasy building and just meet to learn whether there's any real chemistry to invest in--BEFORE investing.

 

Head high, move forward, and if apartment guy is ever up for a real meet, let him step up to arrange that.

 

I think a 10-20 minute phone call is essential before meeting for safety reasons (among other reasons but safety being paramount). And then you have his number, you've heard his voice which will tell you a great deal more about safety (as well as compatibility). A long convo is not needed, I agree.

[Starlight925]

Eh, I used to feel that I had to have a phone conversation. And then, after about, oh dozens of awful in-person meets after great phone calls, I decided to just skip straight to the meet.

 

I've had literally hundreds of online dates, several relationships, etc.

 

What I've learned is that is simply no substitute for in-person chemistry.

 

Has nothing to do with safety. You still meet in a public place, blah blah blah. Whether you had a delightful phone call or not, the safety issue is the same.

 

But no, I'd rather just get to face-to-face, as quickly as possible.

[Batya33]

Eh, I used to feel that I had to have a phone conversation. And then, after about, oh dozens of awful in-person meets after great phone calls, I decided to just skip straight to the meet.

 

I've had literally hundreds of online dates, several relationships, etc.

 

What I've learned is that is simply no substitute for in-person chemistry.

 

Has nothing to do with safety. You still meet in a public place, blah blah blah. Whether you had a delightful phone call or not, the safety issue is the same.

 

But no, I'd rather just get to face-to-face, as quickly as possible.

 

I declined many first meets because of the phone call:

 

-found out he was married (because he forgot he gave me the number and yelled at me, then told me about his green card marriage)

-found out he was lying about his age (the phone call triggered him to overshare about his ex wife -brag about who she was - then doing the math "she was 12 years younger than me" -I googled her and found out he was lying)

-several made sexually inappropriate comments during the phone call after being a gentleman via e-mail/messaging

-several other lies that were revealed only during the phone call "what age did I put on the profile??" etc.

 

And other examples:

 

-sounded depressed/negative/hotstile on the phone (great emails)

-played scrabble while talking to me

-had separate conversations while talking to me (rude)

-read my profile out loud while talking to me including interrupting me because he was reading my profile, again, while talking to me/not listening to me.

 

And I got to see whether he asked about me, how he was in conducting a conversation that was not typing ,etc. I saved so much time and avoided a number of potentially harmful/dangerous situations by that 10-20 minute phone call. Also if he wouldn't give me a phone number I knew it was a red flag (this was prior to texting and I didn't have a cell phone when I met people through online sites). Meeting in a public place is a great safeguard. Having a phone call means a far less risk of meeting someone potentially dangerous where you have to get away. Also, it took me at least 15 minutes to get ready for a date, at least 20 minutes round trip to get to and from, at least 45 minutes to an hour for the actual meet -at least -I am really glad I spent 10-20 minutes in order to save an hour each time at least and the effort of getting ready/commuting/waiting, etc. And for safety too. I met over 100 men through on line sites, spoke with hundreds and met many many men through blind dates and personal ads too.

[katrina1980]

Lol @ he played scrabble while talking to you, that's hysterical!!

 

Yeah, I think the voice is important; I recall a British guy I was interacting on line with a couple years back, would have loved to hear his voice.

 

I dunno I'm mixed now, not sure how comfortable I feel giving a stranger my phone number. Heck I don't even give my last name until we've met in person and clicked. But yeah the voice is important to me.

 

I've discovered quite a bit of info about men by messaging (through the site or email).. I seem to have an uncanny ability to pull things out and have weeded many men out that way. 2-3 days of messaging, sometimes longer.

 

But it's worth it, but then again some men aren't great at messaging which is why if I ever do it again, I'll do it catfeeder's way.

 

Just cut to the chase and meet them in person. A quick coffee, maybe 15-30 minutes?

 

If we click, longer!

[Starlight925]

Just cut to the chase and meet them in person. A quick coffee, maybe 15-30 minutes?

 

If we click, longer!

 

Exactly how I do it.

 

Sorry, Batya, we will have to disagree. You can give me all the scenarios in the world. And I've had literally hundreds of go-nowhere phone calls. For me, it's still these days, straight to the meet.

 

I figure, the worst that happens is, I tried out a new outfit, or new makeup trick. Tried a new place. Got out of the house.