Online dating advice

[Gymgirl71]

I spoke to this guy on the phone last week for over an hour, and he mentioned meeting up and to let him know. I text him the next day about it, but he never got back to me. I figured he wasn’t interested/met someone else so I let it go. Today I get a text saying he’s been meaning to get in touch with me but he’s had a bad week with some repair issues in his apartment then sends me this video clip of a bad leak coming from his ceiling. I text him later telling him to call me when things calm down and we can meet up when we’re not busy. He replied that he would call me and what time is good for me and he wants to talk to me. Then said he can’t leave because it hasn’t been fixed yet (wasn’t talking about today) He never called...seems like he’s trying to buy time. I’m not going to keep up this back and forth sporadic texts and it’s up to him reaching out to me now 100%...I don’t want to pressure him, but how do I make it clear to him (if he reaches out again) that I want to meet and not a chatting buddy? He’s only sent me sporadic texts seems to keep me from cutting him off...

 

What do you think???

[DanZee]

Well, sometimes guys get cold feet. Sometimes things happen like having a leaky ceiling. And other times, a guy is lying about being single.

 

I think you can ask him to tell you all about what's happening over dinner and to let you know when he's free to take you, and leave it at that. Some people on ENA have a limit of two weeks for a meet-up. If the prospective boyfriend can't find an hour or two to meet you in two weeks, then he's just wasting your time.

[Gymgirl71]

I would love to do that, but then I’ll get a text from him giving an excuse. At this point, I feel like telling him that I would love to talk over drinks/dinner whatever and put an end to his sporadic text messages to keep me in the pool

[Hollyj]

Just tell him to reach out when he wants to meet up.

[Jibralta]

I'd write him off. I think it's fine to invite him for dinner/drinks/whatever just to take a stab at something, but I wouldn't expect much from him.

 

I think it's pretty unlikely that "apartment repairs" are keeping him busy--unless he's the super and doing these repairs himself. And even then, he'd have downtime.

 

If his whole life truly has stopped on account of some repairs, he can't be up for much. I mean even if your ceiling is falling down, at a certain point you just have to protect your stuff and get on with your life. You still have to go to work and food shop. What's the difference if you step out for a date as well? Staying home and staring at a leak is not going to fix it.

 

I think some other issue is at hand. He may be in a committed relationship, he may have some sort of drug problem. You've never met him, so for all you know he can be totally opposite from how he is representing himself.

 

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in this.

[pippy longstocking]

If he texts again , say * look mate , sh1t or get off the pot *

[Eliza50]

If you want to make it clear that you don't want to be a chatting buddy, don't chat with him. Don't reply to his texts and if he calls, tell him you're too busy to chat but you'd be happy to talk in person if and when he wants to meet.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, he's buying time, multidating, whatever. Just stop texting him. Doesn't it seem like nonsense to send you videos of his residential problems before you've even met? Stay busy with other prospects. Keep phone calls much briefer and much more focused on meeting and setting up a day, time, place.

He never called...seems like he’s trying to buy time. how do I make it clear to him that I want to meet and not a chatting buddy?

[Gymgirl71]

I'd write him off. I think it's fine to invite him for dinner/drinks/whatever just to take a stab at something, but I wouldn't expect much from him.

 

I think it's pretty unlikely that "apartment repairs" are keeping him busy--unless he's the super and doing these repairs himself. And even then, he'd have downtime.

 

If his whole life truly has stopped on account of some repairs, he can't be up for much. I mean even if your ceiling is falling down, at a certain point you just have to protect your stuff and get on with your life. You still have to go to work and food shop. What's the difference if you step out for a date as well? Staying home and staring at a leak is not going to fix it.

 

I think some other issue is at hand. He may be in a committed relationship, he may have some sort of drug problem. You've never met him, so for all you know he can be totally opposite from how he is representing himself.

 

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in this.

agree 110%. As a matter of fact, I work in property management, so I know for a fact that you can give the super permission to enter. He sent me a vid but I don’t know if that’s old or legit or what. I also got a text saying he fell asleep early because he’s drained. BS. That would be before 8 pm then. I’m ignoring him. Something is definitely up.

[Gymgirl71]

If you want to make it clear that you don't want to be a chatting buddy, don't chat with him. Don't reply to his texts and if he calls, tell him you're too busy to chat but you'd be happy to talk in person if and when he wants to meet.

Agree. He text me a few min ago but I deleted it. Waste of time, and there are plenty of men who want to meet someone not string them along.

[Gymgirl71]

If he texts again , say * look mate , sh1t or get off the pot *

[emoji1787][emoji23][emoji28]

[Gymgirl71]

Not this one.

[purplepaisley]

Meh, with online dating, don't consider anything, anything until you meet in person. The question is how long you're willing to tolerate the lobbying of texts and calls without actually meeting. Who knows if this guy is a flake or lying or not.

 

You just simply can't put this guy on a pedestal, but it's okay to trust his plight is very real.

 

I can say that I would be reluctant to leave the house with this level of leak in my home that isn't being corrected promptly, outside of my need to maintain my employment and earn a living, so social outings=nope, while going to work=yes.

 

Given you don't know this guy from Adam, maybe he's just a really good liar, presenting pictures in order to keep you locked in, but maybe he's struggling with this plight and he wants to make damn sure you understand he's not a flake.

 

Make a choice. Are you willing to entertain the idea that this guy is being honest and he is truly homebound due to these issues? Continue to chat...don't make him your world, but it's okay to chat. Do you feel he is a flake, a big ball of excuses? Don't bother maintaining communication. Are you willing to put out two weeks or four weeks before calling it a day? Me=no meet, no text. I top off at two weeks. If you can't get your sh** together in two weeks, your life is too drama-filled and chaotic, and this is not a ride I'm willing to take.

 

Personally, I would probably continue to text or call for one more week...not a lot of texting, but the situation seems reasonable to me, since I have been in this position, knowing landlords don't always deal with issues promptly...weeks of trying to resolve the issue, you're afraid to leave the house so if things go south, you can preserve your property and document the sh** out of everything. Outside of dire need to leave the house (work), I'm sticking to the house.

 

Don't be a pen pal. Determine your boundaries. He could pull through in a few days and you meet and there are sparks, and after that, there are further cancellations and unavailability, and before you know it, he's professing his desire to meet with you, yet it's been three weeks...a lot of talk, not a lot of action. So you meet again, things go great...and another few weeks of drama and chaos that precludes another date...don't go months with this. Give yourself an end time and stick with it.

 

My point is, if you want to explore this, please do, but don't get too invested...don't make it a "thing." No meet=no boyfriend/husband, and we also have to consider the ability to function around stress and ability to multitask and prioritize, and if you're always pushed aside for other major dramas in life, is this really someone you want to be with?

 

Online dating -- no meet, no text.

[Gymgirl71]

I think he’s dishonest. He was supposed to call me last night at 8, I get a text at 5:45 am that he fell asleep early because of the ordeal. Highly highly doubt it

[DaisyMayPorter]

I’ve been online dating on and off for a bit, and I’ve noticed so many guys get into, what do you call it— a “text” relationship and never ask you out. The last guy I spoke to online dating was messaging me, the conversation was good online, so he asked for my number, started texting me for a few days, “good morning beautiful” (barf), “have a great day”, even though he’s never met me... never asked me out, so I just started ignoring him and he went away. He was trying to have text conversations but never wanted to take the conversations beyond the phone.

 

People say this happens because guys get cold feet or aren’t confident whether or not the woman will go out with them, but if the woman is texting the guy back, then there’s a pretty good chance they’ll go out with them!

 

I think it’s something else, but I’m not sure what.

 

This guy has too many leaks, literally and figuratively! What will his excuse be after his leaks get fixed? You can do better!

[Gymgirl71]

Makes no sense because we spoke last week on the phone over an hour and talked about getting together. He talks a good one but no action. If he wanted to meet me he would have made an effort. Next

[Starlight925]

Makes no sense because we spoke last week on the phone over an hour and talked about getting together. He talks a good one but no action. If he wanted to meet me he would have made an effort. Next

 

^^^ Exactly. All talk, all text, no action.

 

Let's say he really did have a leak, and let's say he really did fall asleep and miss your call time.

 

Would you want to date someone who can't handle the simplest issues in life? Getting a leak fixed (by, as you said, calling apartment management), and waking up on time?

 

I went out a few times with a guy like this. Maybe 2-3 dates. On our 3rd date, we were to meet at a certain place and time, and he didn't show up. I sat there and waited and waited. I called him, left messages, and finally, I left.

 

Turns out, he fell asleep and didn't wake up until an hour later. Last time I ever spoke to him. Oh, but 5 years later, he's still on the dating site where we met.

[Annia]

I’ve been online dating on and off for a bit, and I’ve noticed so many guys get into, what do you call it— a “text” relationship and never ask you out. The last guy I spoke to online dating was messaging me, the conversation was good online, so he asked for my number, started texting me for a few days, “good morning beautiful” (barf), “have a great day”, even though he’s never met me... never asked me out, so I just started ignoring him and he went away. He was trying to have text conversations but never wanted to take the conversations beyond the phone.

 

People say this happens because guys get cold feet or aren’t confident whether or not the woman will go out with them, but if the woman is texting the guy back, then there’s a pretty good chance they’ll go out with them!

 

I think it’s something else, but I’m not sure what.

 

This guy has too many leaks, literally and figuratively! What will his excuse be after his leaks get fixed? You can do better!

 

When I was activelly online dating in my hometown I noticed this a lot. I think many of them do this because they just want some attention because they're lonely but don't really want to date. I also came across many guys who seemed to be there to try to forget ex girlfriends. It might also mean they're multidating (which is totally fine) and you're low on priority to meet.

 

I remember 2 or 3 guys I talked on online apps that literally lived one or two blocks away from me and would text me everyday and a lot but it was never possible to meet in person. Even when I directly talked about specifically meet with a day and time, they'd get flaky.

 

Don't waste time with guys like this. It might be that they're really busy but I'm a big supporter of the "2 weeks rule" now. If a local guy can't have 1h in the span of 2 weeks to meet me (and I'm not talking about long and fancy dates), we're not on the same page. Besides, you need to have time to date if you want so... so even if a guy genuinly doesn't have time, he's not in the right place and timing to date. So it's better to stop wasting time. Unless you're looking for a texting pal lol

[Gymgirl71]

I texted him to let him know that I don’t feel he is serious about meeting. Told him I’m not looking for a texting buddy but I want to meet someone who I can get to know in person. They got his attention, he wants to meet me today now but I have other obligations so I have to wait and see. If I even do I’m doing it half hearted. Someone who can’t keep their word with something as simple as a phone call isn’t worth my time.

[Jellybean9]

Sounds like a lot of effort just to meet him.

 

He could have genuinely had a lot going on in his life. Has other girls or the go. Or very nervous about the first date it you guys hit it off on the phone before. There are many reasons why he could be acting like this.

 

Good you confronted him and now you can only but see if this plan goes ahead.

 

Hope you have a good first date and he was worth the effort.

 

If it doesn't work. Block and run x

[Gymgirl71]

I have very little tolerance. You step up or step aside. And the reason why I even wanted to meet him is because of the phone convo we had for over an hour...we will see. If he screws it up, then he’s gone. I understand about dating a few people, hell I had a date earlier this week. But keep it real. I refuse to be someone’s option.

[Starlight925]

Sounds like a lot of effort just to meet him.

 

 

Yeah, sounds like too much effort just to have a cup of coffee.

 

Jeez.

 

I'd block and run, but that's only because I've learned, these types never step up. If you like him, this will be your relationship.

[Gymgirl71]

Yeah, sounds like too much effort just to have a cup of coffee.

 

Jeez.

 

I'd block and run, but that's only because I've learned, these types never step up. If you like him, this will be your relationship.

exactly. It’s supposed to be fun and exciting.

[Annia]

If you still want to meet him define a concrete date to meet. But I agree it's been too much effort. You did good in being direct.

[Gymgirl71]

If you still want to meet him define a concrete date to meet. But I agree it's been too much effort. You did good in being direct.

in my experience, it’s better to be direct. If he doesn’t like it, oh well. I can be direct, without being rude or disrespectful. It’s just stating my boundaries/expectations. I haven’t set up a date yet, because I don’t know if I’ll be free yet (I have a teenage son).