Girlfriend was Groped by a Friend

[Seraphim]

She’s away up north on a contract so when she returns, I’ll ask her what – if anything – she’d like me to do with this information. Then, I’ll tell her I prefer she stop “acting” like all is fine whenever he posta or she sees him.

I will say the psychology of assault is very complicated especially if you knew the person who assaulted you. And more often than not probably over 90% of people are assaulted by people they know not strangers . So it entirely complicates the situation . You are not supposed to hate people you know . We are not brought up that way . However it is much easier to hate a stranger.

 

In my case the person who raped me was a relative . So all trust was destroyed because if people who are supposed to love you do that to you how can you trust anybody. And not only that I had been groomed by him to believe that he loved me . So for a while I actually thought I was “in love with him“. He told me he was” in love “with me . So even after court and even therapy and everything it was still extremely confusing . And I never even actually completely mentally came to a point of good healing until I would say three years ago . So that is over 30 years . I still have PTSD and always will and have my quirks and issues .

 

So don’t expect results that makes sense to you .

[Jibralta]

Goodfellas, I think you would be making a mistake by doing that.

[boltnrun]

It wasn't "easier" for me to act normal.

 

It was essential to my mental and emotional survival.

 

OP, please don't say anything that might be construed as being critical of her method of dealing with this very upsetting event. I would ask her how she feels.

[Seraphim]

It wasn't "easier" for me to act normal.

 

It was essential to my mental and emotional survival.

 

OP, please don't say anything that might be construed as being critical of her method of dealing with this very upsetting event. I would ask her how she feels.

I agree it is a survival mode. And it has Bupkus to do how you feel about the other person . It is trying to survive .

[Jibralta]

Goodfellas, I bet you’re enraged and horrified that this happened to your girlfriend. Take a second to observe the intensity of your emotion over this situation. Now imagine how much worse you would feel if this had actually happened to you. What you feel right now is a fraction of what she is feeling. If you impose your ideals on her, you will make yourself feel better, but you will probably make her feel worse. She’s already had her feelings disregarded by the animal who groped her. She trusted you to respect her feelings, and I truly think she will feel betrayed by you if you instead pass judgment on her for the way she is coping with what happened.

[Goodfellas]

Goodfellas, I think you would be making a mistake by doing that.

 

So, in other words, stay as is?

[abitbroken]

So, in other words, stay as is?

 

I for one thing you are in your bounds to understand why she feels the need to interact on social media. I mean, if acting normal in front of him is what she needs to do, that's fine, but why does she have to go out of her way on social media? I would ask my guy that if he were in her shoes.

[katrina1980]

Hi Goodfellas, just had a chance to read this thread and my first thought was that she is in denial.

 

Not denial it happened, she knows it happened obviously, but denial of how violated she felt (feels), humiliated, angry, disrespected, hurt, sad, the list goes on.

 

Denial protects her from experiencing (feeling) these painful emotions as if she were to experience them, the egregious nature of them, and by a so-called friend no less, it might be too much for her to bear.

 

So she shoves them down, suppresses them, which explains why she is able to interact and *tolerate* him.

 

Which is really dangerous as these emotions are not gone, they are still there, lingering deep within, festering.

 

One day they will surface, probably when she least expects them to. I hope when that happens she has a really strong support system because lord knows she is gonna need it!

 

Some people are able to remain in this state of denial for years.

[Jibralta]

So, in other words, stay as is?

 

I understand how uncomfortable it is for you. But try to imagine how uncomfortable it is for her. Who would actually benefit from you telling her not to interact with him? What she is doing is helping her to feel normal and to put this behind her. Does she have to be a social warrior at the same time that she struggles to cope? Can't she do that after she heals, if and when she feels ready? Why does it have to be on your timeline? Serious question.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent course of action. Hope it all works out for both of you.

I’ll ask her what – if anything – she’d like me to do with this information. Then, I’ll tell her I prefer she stop “acting” like all is fine whenever he posts or she sees him.

[catfeeder]

She’s away up north on a contract so when she returns, I’ll ask her what – if anything – she’d like me to do with this information. Then, I’ll tell her I prefer she stop “acting” like all is fine whenever he posts or she sees him.

 

The above is not specific enough to get you anywhere but offensive. It makes no sense to criticize anyone without offering an alternative as well as a good reason for the suggestion. So first identify for yourself whether you're trying to address your own needs or hers. If you're trying to be helpful to her, then avoid coming off as critical and controlling. Frame your suggestion in terms of what's in it FOR HER if she will consider making the change.

 

In my book, bullying someone because 'I' don't like the way they've handled being bullied not only compounds the problem, it makes ME responsible for doing my own pile-on.

[itsallgrand]

He's her boyfriend, not her therapist. Has she sought out therapy for navigating this at all?

 

It's totally reasonable for a boyfriend to object to his lady voluntarily having contact with someone she personally knows is an abuser. That's not bullying, that's not controlling, that's simply establishing boundaries he has with a partner.

 

You can support a person without supporting every single decision they may make. I'll give an example- I have family who have chosen to keep close relationships with the man who abused me. The message is , in action " I do not acknowledge this man as an abuser". They'll say, yes we know he did it. Some even say it happened to them too. However, they chose to pretend he's a normal dude and act like nothing ever happened . I still love them, I still want the best for them, and if they asked for a ride to therapy or help navigating dealing with abuse, I'd be there by their side.

 

But making a personal choice not to pretend along with them is not about them. It's about sticking to your own stance on it- do you support the choice to protect an abuser or no. It's that simple.

[katrina1980]

Goodfellas, going back to my earlier post about her possibly being in denial, has she sought professional counseling for this?

 

I recall after my dad died, I went into denial; not that he died, but how affected I was by it. I even went to work the next day, claiming I was "fine" he lived a good life, blah blah.

 

Total denial!

 

My bf at the time and my brothers were really worried about me, encouraged counseling cause obviously my reaction was not normal, or healthy.

 

I still claimed I was fine; six months later I had a bit of a breakdown when my suppressed emotions re his death rose to the surface.

 

Different situation from yours and your gf's, but this is what being in denial is and does, so wondering if your gf has sought counseling.

[Jibralta]

It's totally reasonable for a boyfriend to object to his lady voluntarily having contact with someone she personally knows is an abuser. That's not bullying, that's not controlling, that's simply establishing boundaries he has with a partner.

 

Very true. I think Goodfellas needs to decide up front if her way of handling this situation is a dealbreaker for him. If so, he should simply walk away. Forcing her, or coercing her, to act a certain way is unfair. As catfeeder said, it's a pile-on.

[katrina1980]

Perhaps a little understanding on his part is in order.

 

Dealbreaker? She was molested for heaven's sake, by a supposedly good friend.

 

Whether she's in denial about how badly affected she is by that (which is my opinion and she needs counseling), or simply chooses to keep the peace since it involves family, calling this a dealbreaker and ending it is selfish and lacking in any sort of compassion that would foster a healthy, loving relationship, imo.

[Jibralta]

Perhaps a little understanding on his part is in order.

 

Dealbreaker? She was molested for heaven's sake, by a supposedly good friend.

 

Whether she's in denial about how badly affected she is by that (which is my opinion and she needs counseling), or simply chooses to keep the peace since it involves family, calling this a dealbreaker and ending it is selfish and lacking in any sort of compassion that would foster a healthy, loving relationship, imo.

 

You must be misunderstanding what I said.

[katrina1980]

You must be misunderstanding what I said.

 

How so? Can you clarify? If I did misunderstand, I apologize; I would like to understand.

 

The way I read it, you agreed with itsallgrand and suggested he walk away if the way she is choosing to handle this is a dealbreaker for him.

 

Certainly it's his right to feel that way, I just think walking away now shows a lack of compassion for what she's going through, that's all.

 

And as an alternative, I suggested perhaps a little more understanding would be the better course of action as it's quite possible she is in denial re how all this has impacted her emotionally, and thus why she is able to interact with the man who molested her.

 

Which isn't all that uncommon when someone has been raped, molested or abused.

[Jibralta]

Certainly it's his right to feel that way, I just think walking away now shows a lack of compassion for what she's going through, that's all.

 

What I'm saying is, I think it's actually more compassionate to bite your tongue and walk away than it is to impose or enforce your behavioral preference on someone who is traumatized.

[katrina1980]

What I'm saying is, I think it's actually more compassionate to bite your tongue and walk away than it is to impose or enforce your behavioral preference on someone who is traumatized.

 

Oh I see, thank you for clarifying! In that case, I wholeheartedly agree with you, apologies for misinterpreting.

[Seraphim]

No one can force someone to heal when they are not ready. I spent over 30 years not being ready. I just couldn’t deal with it. My husband in his generous nature let me deal with it in my way and heal in my own time .

[catfeeder]

He's her boyfriend, not her therapist. Has she sought out therapy for navigating this at all?

 

It's totally reasonable for a boyfriend to object to his lady voluntarily having contact with someone she personally knows is an abuser. That's not bullying, that's not controlling, that's simply establishing boundaries he has with a partner.

 

You can support a person without supporting every single decision they may make.

 

While I get this, we always have a choice in the way we speak 'with' or 'to' or 'at' a loved one. Our disapproval may be legitimate, but that's not a license to issue orders. I can bark 'stop' AT a loved one and provoke a power struggle, or I can put the preservation of our relationship above alienating the very person I want to influence.

 

When it comes to any relationship I'd want to keep, I'd rather opt for a respectful approach that raises my odds of gaining cooperation, and I'd rather keep in mind that 'we' are on the same side.

[Goodfellas]

Thanks to all who contributed. I now know what I’ll do and have definitely gained the insight I was seeking. Cheers!

[itsallgrand]

Hope it all works out for the best. Take care.