Is this a good or bad decision for the dumpee?

[lemni]

I essentially told my ex only to message me if it was for reconciliation. I made it clear that I have no interest in being friends with her, and while she can message me whenever she wants because I'm not blocking her, I probably won't engage unless getting back together is in the discussion.

 

I'm a month into NC and I won't break it, but I am fearful that she'll never reach out or I'll never have an opportunity. I don't want anything less than a relationship, but was this the best way to go about that?

[boltnrun]

Yes, unless you want to be relegated to ego booster/attention giver/friend zone, for which you could end up being rewarded with tales of her dating adventures or new boyfriend.

[melancholy123]

You've taken a hard stance, offer to take me back or I dont want to hear from you. To me you've made it pretty clear how you feel but that seems like talking out both sides of your mouth. Either you want her or you dont. There's no middle ground. I'd move on and find another guy if you talked to me like that.

[lemni]

You've taken a hard stance, offer to take me back or I dont want to hear from you. To me you've made it pretty clear how you feel but that seems like talking out both sides of your mouth. Either you want her or you dont. There's no middle ground. I'd move on and find another guy if you talked to me like that.

 

I don't want to be placed in a situation where I'm not over her, but she has a new boyfriend or something like that. Or she decides to reach out, but it's only to catch up and remind me that she exists without having any intention of rekindling.

 

I acting in ways I'm not proud of after the breakup, essentially a lot of trying to convince her, being extremely upset, calling her, and just doing all kinds of embarrassing . This was my way of reclaiming self-respect. I love her but I'm not interesting in settling for friendship, I don't see what's wrong with that.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, by putting it to her this way you've left yourself hanging and in limbo as to if/when she will respond and why.

 

Also that type of message to her sort of says "Oh please please take me back, I'm waiting by my phone". Saying nothing would have been better.

 

Stay no contact but consider moving forward.

I made it clear that I have no interest in being friends with her, and while she can message me whenever she wants because I'm not blocking her, I probably won't engage unless getting back together is in the discussion.

[lemni]

Unfortunately, by putting it to her this way you've left yourself hanging and in limbo as to if/when she will respond and why.

 

Also that type of message to her sort of says "Oh please please take me back, I'm waiting by my phone". Saying nothing would have been better.

 

Stay no contact but consider moving forward.

 

Yeah, I sort of regret saying that. My mentality at the time was that she might not be the type to come right out with a text saying "I want to get back together", instead she might prefer to initiate casual conversation and hope it leads somwhere. I don't know.

 

Anyway, I'm living life and definitely not waiting around. If an opportunity presents itself, I'll pursue it. But she's still incredibly important to me.

[reinventmyself]

I acting in ways I'm not proud of after the breakup, essentially a lot of trying to convince her, being extremely upset, calling her, and just doing all kinds of embarrassing . This was my way of reclaiming self-respect. I love her but I'm not interesting in settling for friendship, I don't see what's wrong with that.

 

I think that comes from a place a maturity and self respect. Don't second guess yourself.

If she wants you, she knows where to find you.

[ThatwasThen]

I don't want to be placed in a situation where I'm not over her, but she has a new boyfriend or something like that. Or she decides to reach out, but it's only to catch up and remind me that she exists without having any intention of rekindling.

 

I acting in ways I'm not proud of after the breakup, essentially a lot of trying to convince her, being extremely upset, calling her, and just doing all kinds of embarrassing . This was my way of reclaiming self-respect. I love her but I'm not interesting in settling for friendship, I don't see what's wrong with that.

You handled it exactly as you should have. You've tried to convince her, you begged and you've let her know exactly what you want. If she doesn't want that too then what is the point of being demoted to just friend (when you want more).

 

Don't second guess yourself anymore. If you were meant to be, you'd not have broken up to begin with and if she wants to contact you down the line with interest in being more then just friends, you're open to her doing just that.

 

Move on now, you haven't left yourself hanging in limbo at all. Be proud that you didn't allow her to keep you emotionally mired to her with mundane chatter contact so you couldn't move on. If she wanted to be with you, she would have jumped at the chance you gave her when you said contact me if you want to reconcile. She certainly wouldn't have cut off her nose to spite her face when you gave her a perfect in to say "yes, I've made a mistake, lets talk about it"

[melancholy123]

I don't want to be placed in a situation where I'm not over her, but she has a new boyfriend or something like that. Or she decides to reach out, but it's only to catch up and remind me that she exists without having any intention of rekindling.

 

I acting in ways I'm not proud of after the breakup, essentially a lot of trying to convince her, being extremely upset, calling her, and just doing all kinds of embarrassing . This was my way of reclaiming self-respect. I love her but I'm not interesting in settling for friendship, I don't see what's wrong with that.

 

Then block and delete her and put an end to this!

[Capricorn3]

I acting in ways I'm not proud of after the breakup, essentially a lot of trying to convince her, being extremely upset, calling her, and just doing all kinds of embarrassing ..

I wouldn't be surprised if that very behaviour only backfired on you and sent her heading for the hills. I know I would. You pushed her away even more by doing that and certainly it wouldn't endear her to you. I don't think she's coming back.

 

Stay no contact and move on.

[lemni]

I wouldn't be surprised if that very behaviour only backfired on you and sent her heading for the hills. I know I would. You pushed her away even more by doing that and certainly it wouldn't endear her to you. I don't think she's coming back.

 

Stay no contact and move on.

 

This was a long-term relationship, I highly doubt that type of behavior would be so decisive. Yes, I regret acting that way and it probably didn't help, but she never got mad at me and told me to not contact her or anything like that. It was my first relationship as well as hers; I think she understood how I was feeling and probably pitied me if anything.

 

Anyway, not trying to justify reasons as to why I shouldn't move on. I just personally believe most dumpers probably expect dumpees to act like that after a breakup.

[lemni]

If she wanted to be with you, she would have jumped at the chance you gave her when you said contact me if you want to reconcile. She certainly wouldn't have cut off her nose to spite her face when you gave her a perfect in to say "yes, I've made a mistake, lets talk about it"

 

I'm not sure I understand what tense this is; past or future? I don't really expect someone to change their decision in a month and a half after the breakup (which is when NC started and I told her that). Do you mean if she wants to reach out, then she'll jump at the chance? Just confused about the wording, lol.

[RayRay63]

You've taken a hard stance, offer to take me back or I dont want to hear from you. To me you've made it pretty clear how you feel but that seems like talking out both sides of your mouth. Either you want her or you dont. There's no middle ground. I'd move on and find another guy if you talked to me like that.

 

I may be misunderstanding you, but I'm not sure I agree.

 

I think the only mistake Lemni made was to say "while she can message me whenever she wants because I'm not blocking her, I probably won't engage unless"

 

I reckon he should have made it more explicit that that was the only reason he ever wanted to hear from her again, and walked away. Not sure how it is talking out both sides, unless you mean the italic bit a couple of lines up.

[jimthzz]

I would time box it.

 

Tell her you changed your mind. As in later dude.

 

Don't be that guy waiting all hurt by the phone.

 

Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.

 

Time to move on.

[DancingFool]

Kind of surprised by some of the response here. OP, you absolutely did the right thing and don't even question it.

She knows you still care and want her back. She also knows to leave you alone unless she changes her mind about the break up and wants to reconcile.

 

Telling her not to contact you otherwise is actually a good thing and shows you found your self respect in the end, even if you did beg, etc. at first.

 

Now you work on accepting that it's over and moving on. If she wants to, she knows how to reach you, but honestly, don't hold your breath. Best to heal and put all this behind you and accept that she really wasn't the one. With time and 20/20 hindsight, it does get easier.

[figureitout23]

Kind of surprised by some of the response here. OP, you absolutely did the right thing and don't even question it.

She knows you still care and want her back. She also knows to leave you alone unless she changes her mind about the break up and wants to reconcile.

 

Telling her not to contact you otherwise is actually a good thing and shows you found your self respect in the end, even if you did beg, etc. at first.

 

Now you work on accepting that it's over and moving on. If she wants to, she knows how to reach you, but honestly, don't hold your breath. Best to heal and put all this behind you and accept that she really wasn't the one. With time and 20/20 hindsight, it does get easier.

 

I completely agree, confused by the responses too.

 

If a poster wants his ex back he’s allowed to want his ex back this board is literally called ‘getting back together’.

 

The best method of doing so is no contact. Why would he block her if he wants reconciliation? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to reconcile with an ex allowing yourself to be used and lead on by an ex yeah that’s wrong but telling them you’re only open to speaking with them if it’s about reconciliation, there’s nothing wrong with that in my eyes at least.

 

I think the catch is the person making that statement must be prepared to go NC.You ripped the Band-Aid off and exposed. yourself. that’s not easy, But you know without a shadow of a doubt what your answer is. there is no waffling. No oh no what if she messages me after I blocked her? there’s no second-guessing or oh what if she doesn’t know how I feel? She knows she’s always known. The balls in her court now completely.

 

You have your answer.

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not sure I understand what tense this is; past or future? I don't really expect someone to change their decision in a month and a half after the breakup (which is when NC started and I told her that). Do you mean if she wants to reach out, then she'll jump at the chance? Just confused about the wording, lol.

 

Sorry for the word jumble:

 

Do you mean if she wants to reach out, then she'll jump at the chance?

Yes. You gave her an open door to walk through and if she had wanted to, then she would have. She may still at some point (but it's more and more doubtful as time goes on) You shouldn't hang onto hope that she will contact you to reconcile. Just keep moving forward on your journey of healing and don't pay any attention to those in the rear view mirror.

 

You are going to be fine in time so how you use that time is important.

 

As I said earlier... You handled going N/C with maturity and self-respect so good on you.