Any minute now I’m gonna start freaking out

[smittenkittn]

Oh wow thank you all for your responses

 

Yep to confirm this is a different guy to the other week. Everyone said I should forget the other one so I did. And now I REALLY have!

 

I know - it must seem like I just go for the physical - but oh!!! I know, it doesn’t mean anything about them as a person, but, well, it really does make them so much more attractive if they are, actually, attractive!

 

I guess it’s true I have issues with my own insecurities. I used to KNOW that I was hot - I did a little modelling when I was younger, won a few beauty contests etc- but during my last long term relationship I really let myself go, gained a heap of weight and of course lost all my confidence. A lot of this was due to the fact my ex lived on junk food and I found it hard to resist everything he put in front of me, but also the fact that as my career was taking off, i was spending so much time working, and not enough time exercising. Also my ex wanted me to just lie around watching movies with him on my downtime, which I did, but it made me fat.

 

Since we split, Ive now lost about 10-12 kg, just from reverting back to my own natural lifestyle habits. But after so long of feeling invisible, it just feels so weird, I keep thinking I’m still fat. People can say what they like about loving yourself at any size, but the truth is, you do get treated differently if you’re slimmer. I’ve definitely noticed, and it has nothing to do with “confidence” cos I don’t have any.

 

No, I definitely have no intention of playing games with this guy. But like you all say I don’t really know him, and the things he’s done that are nice, some would say are just standard good manners anyway, but hey, I can still give him points for them anyway!!

 

I get what you’re all saying about try to make the second date NOT at either of our houses...... but otoh I don’t want to seem like I’m playing games or being difficult by saying “no we can’t do that after all”.....

 

On the other hand, he is working nightshifts at the moment - so it may actually be more “convenient” for us both to meet up in that window between when I finish work, and he starts (like we did last night), and delay him cooking me dinner, til he’s back on day shifts.

 

So far so good anyway, nice texts last night, I do feel much better about this guy - and he’s definitely smarter, and more gentlemanly than the last one too (as well as better looking) and felt like conversation flowed so well, aside from my initial nerves and shyness. I have a very good feeling right now!

[SweetGirl28]

I feel your high from over here! Lol. That's good stuff

 

Just be careful. Congrats on the weight loss, and him boosting your ego, but work on getting your confidence back too, while you explore this. I hope it works for you. At least find out if he's seeing others before you jump all in.

[figureitout23]

Come on guys she’s young. I’d say 23 at the most? You don’t remember being that idealistic and starry eyed? I do!

 

Enjoy yourself OPer. You’re not getting married tomorrow. You’re dating, it should be fun and exhilarating.

If the persona you are presenting is genuine.

 

If it’s not and you have low self esteem and fall in love with every man who smiles at you because you need someone to make you feel good then yes, slow down and pace yourself and if this doesn’t work out, be single and work on you for a while.

 

Honestly I can’t tell if you’re condescend or it’s false bravado. Either response fits who you truly are.

 

I wish you lots of luck with this date, sounds charming. 😊

[katrina1980]

Come on guys she’s young. I’d say 23 at the most?

 

You don’t remember being that idealistic and starry eyed? I do!

 

 

LOL, I still am and I'll be 40 in a couple of years!

[figureitout23]

Sorry that should say confident not Condescend

[bluecastle]

LOL, I still am and I'll be 40 in a couple of years!

 

Ditto—a year from 40 here!

[Batya33]

Please do not think that telling a near stranger “hey let’s hold off on dinner at your place or mine” is being difficult. It’s telling him you care about yourself and have certain standards. I agree that being slim and in shape is a big plus in dating. I disagree that just because someone is objectively attractive it makes attraction and chemistry easier. I had dates with men who modeled or could have. Some I found attractive and some I didn’t. What makes it easier to feel chemistry is when it’s mutual and when the person sparks you - makes you laugh, is interesting and sometimes intriguing etc. seeing a handsome face on the next pillow - sure that’s not a negative but I’d be careful about that fueling attraction. People age for example. People don’t look the same for a variety of reasons. What I do find important is that the person takes care of themselves.

I would do public dates that don’t involve alcohol if you truly want to get to know him as a person. If you want a fling with a hot guy then meet him at his house with a bottle of wine.

[smittenkittn]

Thanks Batya, I think you (and everyone else) are right. Especially given that we did meet on an app, if he’s genuine he won’t mind me saying that hey, I really want to get to know you better first before going to each other’s houses, cos I really want to find something real and to be sure first...... at least I hope he’d be fine about it.

 

I feel a bit blah tonight. I was away out of town all weekend, which I’d told him about, so obviously wasn’t expecting him to blow up my phone or ask me out all weekend when he knew I was away, but still feeling like, I dunno...... didn’t seem to be huge amounts of contact. We were both messaging each other yesterday, but nothing today...... I dunno if the momentum’s gone, or if that’s just me feeling insecure.

 

I’m really glad I hadn’t done anything beyond kissing, it feels far more dignified if it fizzles. Which it probably will, who am I kidding, he can get someone far prettier than me.

 

At the same time, my ex is still in touch, still texting me nice stuff and bringing back all the “good” memories..... and we kinda agreed to catch up (just as friends of course) on his birthday weekend, which I’ve just realised is only a couple weeks away. It’s totally innocent and I don’t think he’s trying to do anything other than be friends, but I don’t know how that’ll work if I get involved with someone new.

 

Mostly I feel tired. If things don’t work out with this new guy, I think I’ll just take a break from dating. I can’t be bothered, mostly I just don’t like rejection (from either perspective). You either feel like a totally horrible person (for rejecting someone) or completely undesirable and ugly.

[Batya33]

You are not dating him. You met him one time and he hasn't asked you out yet. There's no reason for him to be in any contact with you unless he wants to see you in person again and then he can contact you and make a plan. I wouldn't go there as far as "getting involved" or "it fizzles" -nothing fizzed. You met once, had a nice time, kissed, you found him attractive looking and you're quite focused on his objective looks and whether he can "get" someone prettier. That kind of focus will make you a bit crazy and also detracts from getting to know him as a person -you're so focused on the arm candy/male model stuff which you choose to let affect your ego and you choose to then compare your physical features to some unknown "prettier" girl he can "get" because of some notion of ranking of looks. It can really mess with your head, seems like it already is.

 

You expressed a lot of interest in him by agreeing to see him again at some point in the future and kissing him. The ball is in his court. He will call you if he wants to see you again. Till then he should be off your radar completely so that you can just go about and live your life. Of course you can choose not to date at all but meeting someone once is not "dating" so if you want a break from meeting people in social situations or for potential first dates that's fine too. Or you can decide not to invest as much of yourself and your ego in these first meets so that it's less effort/work on your part and you can still be out there meeting people. No need at all to go on any dates or do any social activities -that is also a choice of course.

[SherrySher]

Please girlfriend, you need to stop piling so much worth on looks!! If you've got a good heart and are a good woman, that far exceeds looks. And you've already said that you're doing what you can to keep healthy and such, so why be so down on yourself?

 

None of us are models, and I don't think any of us care, we focus on being good people and finding someone decent. It is very difficult at any age. Many flakes out there, but it is possible!!!!

 

I'm sorry you're feeling down, but don't put that on yourself...it's not you. And hey, women that do look like so called models might have loads of attention, that doesn't mean any of the men are worth it or will be good to them for a lifetime.

Heck, from the stories you read, they have just as much heartbreak as the rest of us do.

 

Give yourself a break chin up and realize your worth beyond looks.

[Wiseman2]

Focus on dates, not messaging, when starting out with someone new. As long as you are chatting with and still meeting up with an ex, dating will be superficial, unsatisfying and tiring. Why do you want this ex back?

We were both messaging each other yesterday, but nothing today.

 

my ex is still in touch, still texting me nice stuff and bringing back all the “good” memories..... and we kinda agreed to catch up.

 

I feel tired. If things don’t work out with this new guy, I think I’ll just take a break from dating. I can’t be bothered.

[Batya33]

Nevermind.

[smittenkittn]

Focus on dates, not messaging, when starting out with someone new. As long as you are chatting with and still meeting up with an ex, dating will be superficial, unsatisfying and tiring. Why do you want this ex back?

 

I don’t know. On a conscious level, I don’t want to go back, there’s too much water under the bridge and how can it ever work. On the other hand, we were together for four years, I’ve known him for five, he was my best friend, we shared so much together, lived together, understood each other, he really loved me. But my friends and family wouldnt approve.

 

Re the looks thing. I don’t know how to put it. I used to be extremely attractive in my twenties, even my early thirties, I modelled, won a couple of beauty contests, bit of “acting” and commercials etc - but as I’ve reached my mid-late thirties now, I’m not the “trophy” that I used to be.

 

I married my personal trainer in my 20s. We had nothing in common besides sex, and a love of working out, he was soooooo dumb it drove me crazy, but it was better than the “relationships” that followed - highly narcissistic men who were very successful and intelligent, but were actually very horrible people. I still dread anyone googling my name as I got a bit of media attention with the men I dated, and it seemed so flattering at first - when the papers are gushing about how “beautiful” you are - but then later there’s all the speculation about your breakup, and strangers think you must be some kind of gold-digger, but you weren’t, it’s just they were so nice to you and you honestly believed that everyone else just “didn’t know” the real him. (Think how people talk about Melania Trump - you’ll get the idea). I never want to go through that again.

 

But my most recent ex didn’t care about any of that stuff, he thought I was beautiful but he liked me for me, He didn’t even care if I gained weight, he used to joke that he wanted me to get fat so no one else would try to steal me!! So of course I still miss that. It was so nice to have real love.

 

I’m not good at dating. My best relationships - my marriage, my most recent ex - both started off as friends who one day we just hooked up and then decided let’s just do this. But this whole go on a date, wait for them to call or ask you again, not knowing where you stand, it screws with all my insecurities. I think I’m better to just quit it.

[Batya33]

I think you’d feel less insecure if you were less focused on physical features. I don’t think modeling means you are beautiful for purposes of chemistry in a relationship - sure it’s nice to be pretty to look st but it doesn’t guarantee chemistry. I’m sorry you’re unhappy with the media attention and on balance it sounds like you enjoyed working as a model. Dating is tough and requires a thick skin. Are you looking to marry again?

[katrina1980]

I kinda get you sk.

 

When "everyone" in your life, friends, family, strangers, co-workers, etc place so much emphasis on your looks and/or in my case a mom who was a former model constantly pressuring me to always look "perfect," it can be difficult to *not* become self-conscious, insecure, and too focused on it, heck I developed a serious eating disorder because of it!

 

I wish people (I do not mean on this forum) would just XXXX about it. Not even talking about with me, but generally speaking, society in general focuses way too much on weight and physical appearance.

 

Especially in my neck of the woods, southern California.

 

You said you were once considered quite beautiful, I am sure you still are, my goodness you are only in your 30s!!

 

You may not believe you are but that's your own insecurity, and I can relate to that. You might be surprised how many people who make a living on their looks (both men and women) are insecure about their looks. It's quite common actually.

 

You said you have lost weight - 10-12 kg -- that's a lot, congrats! Keep going if you have more to lose. Learn to be happy in your own skin.

 

Forget what others think, *you* need to start seeing yourself more positively sk, once you do your entire perspective will change, I can almost guaranty it!

 

It's not easy, are you in any sort of therapy? I didn't used to be a big believer in it, but with the right therapist, perhaps one who specializes in dealing with body image issues and the like, it may be of great value to you.

[Batya33]

I really like Katrina’s perspective because she lived it in a real way. Because of when I was a teenager - the 80s - first were still supposed to be really focused on hair and makeup and looking pretty even more than typical teenager focus on looks - that was how you got boys to like you/ and eating disorders were rampant but I’m glad Katrina chimed in here with insight on the model perspective.

[smittenkittn]

Yes Katrina is awesome. Every time she posts I feel like she’s more and more relatable!!

 

Yes another 3-4 kg and I’d be at what I consider my “ideal” weight,

mainly I just want my old clothes to fit me properly again.

 

But it’s more my face, it’s looking tired. I’ve already had a few Botox tweaks but I don’t know if I like it, if I need more, or what...., I feel old, and tired, but I don’t want to look plastic either and I hate the look when someone’s face is obviously full of jnjectables. I might have a good talk to a friend of mine who always looks stunning - who just happens to work on the industry - ask her for some honest advice and opinions. I don’t think I should be hoping for anyone else to love me when I don’t even like myself.

 

Lol Batya, I wouldn’t say I “enjoyed” the modelling, more that as a teenager I was so flattered that anyone would want me to do it!! It sucked actually. I’m glad my career/profession now has nothing to do with looks.

 

My male workmate just asked me about the date, and found it quite amusing that I’d felt nervous. He thinks that I should just hurry up and message this guy back again. I said I don’t want to seem desperate and clingy, he thinks the other guy will think I don’t like him. I think I don’t have to do anything this second.

[dias]

But it’s more my face, it’s looking tired. I’ve already had a few Botox tweaks but I don’t know if I like it, if I need more, or what....,

Don't do more Botox. You will end up on a slippery slope and look like a plastic doll in the end. It sucks. Period.

[SweetGirl28]

Don't do more Botox. You will end up on a slippery slope and look like a plastic doll in the end. It sucks. Period.

 

I agree with this. Way too young. How does one look so tired in their thirties, and think Botox will help?

 

Why don't you go to Sephora or Ulta, or any good make up place, and try using makeup to avert the tired look? It doesn't need to be more than just a good concealer and highlighter sometimes.

 

You start doing all that now, you'll regret it in the long run, most likely.

 

I have to wonder if it's the weight loss , loss of plumpness in your face from losing the weight??

[katrina1980]

Yeah, I don't recommend the Botox, I tried it once (see my thread a few months back, lol), just a VERY small amount, like 6 units in my forehead and hated it!!

 

It looked okay but forehead was frozen for a few weeks, no thanks!!

 

Sk, I recommend seeing a good aesthetician. She will recommend the right facials to perk up your skin and complexion.

 

Lactic acid facials are good, and they are very safe. It's essentially a mini peel, I've been getting them for years!

 

There are others too and with the right skin care products, your skin will perk up in no time, give it a glow. The natural way!! No Botox and no injectables!

 

When your skin has that natural glow, you might find you will need less makeup too! I have.

 

I like Josie Maran products made with argon oil and Algenist and IT (stands for Information Technology) products are great too. I like to mix it up.

 

Drink lots of water and exercise!

 

Don't mean to sound preachy but I swear by the proper skin care keeping you looking youthful and bright versus expensive and fake looking cosmetic procedures.

 

Oh and thank you for your kind words sk! You too B! Much appreciated.

[itsallgrand]

You sound a bit on an emotional roller coaster at this point. That's ok, give yourself room to breathe and to settle it all out.

You've still got some things to settle with the ex as far as letting him go. Maybe that will happen after seeing him, either way be prepared for a lot of feelings to come up. You had mentioned he's an alcoholic who is very recent to recovery, after you broke up. So there's that whole ball of wax beyond missing someone you loved - dealing with the impact of alcoholism and all that comes with it being so close to someone on that road.

 

If you are tired, rest. You get caught up in these superficial infactuations. It's understandable but I would not judge dating based on this! It's only one approach to it, and when you change your approach, different ecperiences open up.

 

The Botox - it's like this. Don't do anything drastic when you are emotionally all over the place. Stick with simple. Wait - the person in the mirror may look different to you after a good recuperation.

[Batya33]

I second Katrina's recommendation of water and exercise. I am 52 and started basically doubling my water intake in the last 2 years -now up to 10 glasses a day (not including some sparkling water too) . My skin is much softer and looks healthier.

[smittenkittn]

Awwwwww well, I decided to take everyone’s advice on board, and I bought myself a sugar scrub and some moisturiser (instead of booking myself in for Botox and surgery!!)

 

And I’d just gotten out of the shower, just done my face and he rang!!! and he does like me too, and we’re going out on Saturday night - and he wants to take me away for next weekend - and he doesn’t seem to mind at all that I get all nervous and blurt out about being scared I’d never hear from him again, he just said awww I told you I liked you, and I said yeah but I thought maybe you were just being nice, and that I was telling myself that I can’t get upset, that I should just be grateful that at least you were a gentleman and paid for my dinner even though you didn’t like me, but I did get mad at stupid tinder cos it’s all just losers and then I finally meet someone I really like (him) and then he probably doesn’t even like me anyway so I deleted stupid tinder off my phone!! and he was just laughing down the phone at me, not in a mean way, more like he thought I was cute or something. And he said that he does like me heaps too and really wants to see me again too.... and it was all awkward trying to sort out when we’re both free cos of our work schedules, but we sorted it out :) and then I went on about food for a bit, and then somehow we got talking about weddings and how they’re a waste of money, and we both agreed that’s it’s much better to go to a registry office and to spend the money on a honeymoon instead, and then i was like oh whoops we haven’t even had our second date yet, I’ll stop planning our wedding, and he just kept laughing the whole time. But it all just flowed and felt so easy, so so easy, and enjoyable, i couldn’t stop laughing too..... and this is how it should feel right?

 

So it seems, I got all insecure and scared for nothing!! But at least my skin does feel much softer and nicer already, which will be good when I see him this weekend.

 

So, wow. I don’t enjoy the waiting games AT ALL but I definitely really like this guy and can not wait to see him again soon...... Saturday feels so far away!

[smittenkittn]

Thank you all so much for putting up with my insecurities and nonsense too..... I guess at least, I haven’t been blowing up HIS phone with it all, but I know I’m not too good with the whole emotional roller coaster thing. Fingers crossed, I’ll get better at it!!

[Honeycomb8]

Don't talk like that with men...It makes u seem desperate. And they will take advantage.