Great dates. One red flag

[bluecastle]

I like the idea of a note, if right now it's just silence, of something like maybe if we're both single in 6 months we can have a drink.

 

I've gotten those, given those, and am currently with someone that had one of those moments after 2 dates. I wasn't feeling any sort of jab at the time, but this little moment is going to fade, as you know.

 

It sucks, but timing is a real thing. Better to catch the reality of timing before things get crazy than to catch it BECAUSE things got crazy. Oof. Been there too.

[katrina1980]

Maybe someone else already suggested this but what’s the harm in calling her in 6 months or so and reaching out?

 

I don't think anyone has suggested that yet.

But yeh good point, I've not thought about that.

 

Why don't you wait to see how you feel in six months? You may very well have moved on by then and have a new girlfriend!

 

In fact, I predict you will; the heart is quite resilient, and not to invalidate your feelings cause I do understand the connection, but it was still only three dates.

[katrina1980]

So I did reply to her already saying I understand and I hope we will meet again at some point in the future.

Do you think I should send her another message to make it clear?

 

blacktea, if she has not responded to your first message, then NO do not send her another one. You said your piece, there is nothing else to "make clear."

 

Also, do not say "maybe we can catch up in six months" goodness gracious you have no idea how you will feel in six months. You may meet another woman tomorrow, or next week, or next month.

 

PLEASE try to not idealize her. The reality is you had three dates, you felt attracted, perhaps a connection on some small level, but nevertheless it was only three dates, you know virtually nothing about her.

 

Should you spontaneously meet again someday, and you're both single and emotionally available, then go for it.

 

JMO but these thoughts you're having about reaching out again, now or in six months, are not serving you any good purpose.

 

Whether she's not ready, or was just not feeling it (which would be my best guess if I'm honest), it doesn't matter.

 

Feel the jab, then let it go.

[Batya33]

So I did reply to her already saying I understand and I hope we will meet again at some point in the future.

Do you think I should send her another message to make it clear?

 

No - contact her in 6 months or so with an open ended "hi -how are you -I enjoyed meeting you back then and keep in touch if you like". And that's all -just one message.

[blacktea]

PLEASE try to not idealize her. The reality is you had three dates, you felt attracted, perhaps a connection on some small level, but nevertheless it was only three dates, you know virtually nothing about her.

 

Yeh this is the part that I keep telling myself.

We all show our best sides when we are on the first few dates, and there's just so much to find out about a person, especially the flaws that doesn't show up at the dates.

I've been in relationships where the person just wasn't the same anymore after some time together so I understand.

 

And to reply to the part where you were saying maybe she's just not feeling it.

That hurts lol. I thought we were both interested and enjoyed each other's company.

[blacktea]

No - contact her in 6 months or so with an open ended "hi -how are you -I enjoyed meeting you back then and keep in touch if you like". And that's all -just one message.

 

Yeh good call.

And like other people are saying, maybe I will have moved on already in 6 months time, so much can happen in 6 months right?

[DancingFool]

.....I've had guys do this. Contact me months down the road and here are my unfiltered thoughts:

 

1) 9/10 I couldn't even remember who that is or that I've met him. So it was weird. Even if I did remember....

2) For a guy to be that stuck on me after just a few dates comes across as creepy af, obsessive, and stalkerish

3) Good grief how desperate is this loser?

 

The harsh reality is that if I had really been all that into him, I would have left my baggage at the train station and forged forward with making it work with this new red hot flame. No matter the polite excuse given, even if I believe in it, the reality is that something about that guy triggered something in my mind that I don't want in a guy, don't like, etc. I really just wasn't that into him even if the dates themselves were nice.

 

Seriously, OP, it bruised your ego, but let it go. Dating requires a thicker skin. You will get rejected and you really can't it quite so hard. Shrug it off and onto the next date with another girl. Don't get fixated.

[katrina1980]

And to reply to the part where you were saying maybe she's just not feeling it.

That hurts lol. I thought we were both interested and enjoyed each other's company.

 

I'm sorry blacktea, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but I am a big believer in facing reality. Reality helps me move on faster, rather than idealizing that she just wasn't ready or whatever.

 

I mean, just my experience, but feeling "not ready" pretty much means "not feeling it" anyway. Perhaps if the timing was better, and she felt more ready, she would be feeling it. But she's not and she doesn't. If she did, she would want to continue dating you. Instead, sounds like she is still hung up on her ex.

 

Buy hey, as Batya suggested, if six months down the road, you're inclined to casually reach out, then sure why not? Perhaps the timing will be better and that "spark" will ignite, maybe not.

 

However, in the meantime, get yourself out there meeting and dating other women. As I said, the heart is quite resilient, if you're out there meeting and dating other women, she may become nothing more than a passing memory after six months.

[blacktea]

Thanks for the replies.

I'm here for all your perspectives and I guess I needed to hear the direct, harsh reality to help me move on.

 

 

And while I was typing this reply out, she just replied to me saying, I hope we will meet again too, hope you're ok.

 

So I guess that's a positive closure.

[blacktea]

I thought about her a few times today.

Most of the time I was trying to figure out what really went through her head, or what went wrong, which I know I shouldn't be doing.

 

I've been cautious on the past few dates with other people, made sure I didn't invest too much at the start and to take it slow.

But I'm surprised somehow I let it slipped this time. I expected and imagined too much of what could this lead to this time.

[DancingFool]

I thought about her a few times today.

Most of the time I was trying to figure out what really went through her head, or what went wrong, which I know I shouldn't be doing.

 

I've been cautious on the past few dates with other people, made sure I didn't invest too much at the start and to take it slow.

But I'm surprised somehow I let it slipped this time. I expected and imagined too much of what could this lead to this time.

 

It's OK and normal to get excited about someone and then feel disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

That said, so early on the key term is "imagined" - who she is, what it could lead to, etc. It's just not what actually is.

 

Please don't get into looking for what went wrong. What can go wrong on three nice dates? Nothing. When people choose to walk away so early on, they are walking away strictly for their own reasons. They don't know you enough for their reasons to be personal and specific to you.

[catfeeder]

And here's the deal breaker, during the third date I asked about her past relationships as I felt it's the right time.

 

I'd put the question, "How long since your last breakup?" right on the table before even investing in chatting, much less meeting. It's a typical screening question for a reason.

 

Read up on rebounding, Understand that while rebound dating doesn't make anyone a villain, there's no reason to set yourself up as hapless to someone else's lousy judgment. Rebounders will ALWAYS say that they're over their ex, or at least, ready to date again. So it's up to each of us to look out for ourselves and screen out dealbreakers up front to avoid investing in people who aren't even relationship material.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

[blacktea]

It's OK and normal to get excited about someone and then feel disappointed when it doesn't work out.

 

That said, so early on the key term is "imagined" - who she is, what it could lead to, etc. It's just not what actually is.

 

Please don't get into looking for what went wrong. What can go wrong on three nice dates? Nothing. When people choose to walk away so early on, they are walking away strictly for their own reasons. They don't know you enough for their reasons to be personal and specific to you.

 

Thanks for your reply. It really helps.

Definitely going to take it as a lesson and learn from it.

[blacktea]

I'd put the question, "How long since your last breakup?" right on the table before even investing in chatting, much less meeting. It's a typical screening question for a reason.

 

That would definitely save so much time and effort, but is that "appropriate" or a normal question to ask even before the chatting?

I personally have never got ask that question before the chatting with a new person, or even before the first date.

[DancingFool]

That would definitely save so much time and effort, but is that "appropriate" or a normal question to ask even before the chatting?

I personally have never got ask that question before the chatting with a new person, or even before the first date.

 

For me, that seems to come up on date one. It's really quite a common question to ask. I also think that it's smart to talk about that stuff so you can evaluate your risk so to speak.

[katrina1980]

That would definitely save so much time and effort, but is that "appropriate" or a normal question to ask even before the chatting?

I personally have never got ask that question before the chatting with a new person, or even before the first date.

 

I think catfeeder means before "investing" in too much chat before meeting. Like ask it immediately, as soon as you begin chatting.

 

This is a very direct approach; for me I am not a direct person, I sort of feel my way around things indirectly or have things pop up about each other spontaneously.

 

What's interesting though and think I mentioned on a different thread also, is that I rather like it when a man is direct with me! The yin and yang thing.

 

I would never, and have never, asked that question, but I have had men ask me! My boyfriend asked me in fact. I had just broken up with someone but it was a very short (and in retrospect) insignificant RL. So it was okay.

 

But had I just broken up with my ex whom I was with for six years, that would have been an issue I think.

 

Are you comfortable being direct like that blacktea, before meeting in person? I sense you're not, which is not a bad thing necessarily, but it would save time becoming overly invested in a woman (through chat) who's rebounding.

[Batya33]

If you’re a good listener and not rehearsing what you want to say next typically a person will tell you all you need to know within the first 15 minutes of a first meet or maybe even a phonecall. Typically not on text - not in that way. I am direct but wouldn’t ask about recently breaking up etc. often someone still attached to an ex will mention them early on and then you can follow up in some way. Dating is hard I agree!

[catfeeder]

I think catfeeder means before "investing" in too much chat before meeting. Like ask it immediately, as soon as you begin chatting.

 

Hah! Yes, I mean you can't exactly ask anything without chatting. People are becoming pretty sophisticated about OLD, so most don't expect a lot of fanfare and 'bonding' before screening for potential matches. Questions that would otherwise appear rude when meeting a person organically in real life are the opposite of 'off limits' in OLD. Screening is everyone's initial goal.

 

Everyone is also using OLD for a specific purpose, which can differ with each person. Learn whether another's purpose aligns with your own, or whether they even have clarity about their purpose. Some insecure people might be so passive, they'll meet anyone just because they're afraid to screen anyone out.

 

Don't be that person. The goal isn't to appease the masses, it's to find someone who is RIGHT for you. So clarify what you want, and screen out people out who aren't also clear about what they want. People fresh out of relationships might believe that they own clarity, but by definition, rebounders are bouncing--the opposite of clear and stable. So isn't it in your best interests to find that out early?

 

You can always tell a rebounder that they sound terrific, and while your own private rule is not to meet people too quickly after their breakups, you'd like to touch base again if you're both still available in a few months.

 

If someone reacts badly to that, what should it tell you?

[abitbroken]

I thought about her a few times today.

Most of the time I was trying to figure out what really went through her head, or what went wrong, which I know I shouldn't be doing.

 

I've been cautious on the past few dates with other people, made sure I didn't invest too much at the start and to take it slow.

But I'm surprised somehow I let it slipped this time. I expected and imagined too much of what could this lead to this time.

 

It doesn't mean that she didn't think you were wonderful -- sometimes when people get out of a relationship they *think* they are ready to date and they are not - their friends say "put yourself out there" or they are so used to a relationship they fear being alone. If you didn't meet and met now and met a year from now - it could turn into a relationship OR it might not be a good fit. Who is to say.

[abitbroken]

For me, that seems to come up on date one. It's really quite a common question to ask. I also think that it's smart to talk about that stuff so you can evaluate your risk so to speak.

 

Yes It came up on date 3 for me. But my guy already knew that i had been divorced and I already knew that he had not (never married) just from our dating profiles. And he asked how long ago i had divorced, how long was the marriage, etc. Totally on the table, appropriate questions. I asked him if he had ever been engaged, etc. and all that. Starting out with the bigger question "have you ever been engaged (or married)" some people will naturally volunteer "no, but i was in a relatonship for 6 years..." "oh, i was in a two year relationship myself. It ended a year ago. how long ago did you break up? Its SO much easier to ask this and if they are looking for a future spouse/kids etc on the first couple dates --- if you ask 6 months in the questions sounds like "do you consider marriage TO ME" or the breakup question sounds to them like an accusation "how long were you broken up before we met?"

 

Its better to not see them for a third date than one year in be dumped because they are not over their ex

[blacktea]

Thank you for all the replies. I did read all of them and they are really helpful.

 

Since the message she sent me on Thursday. We have exchanged a few more messages but only one or two a day.

Then on Saturday night she called me twice but I missed her calls as I was out with my friends.

The next day I messaged her saying sorry that I missed her call and asked wheat she was calling about.

She then replied saying she forgot why she called.

 

I assumed she was lonely and just wanted to speak to someone.

But I'm really confused as I'm not sure "where I stand" or how I should act around her.

She already made it clear that she's not ready to date, but at the same time we are still chatting, and I don't know if I should reply or not?

 

In my head I want to speak to her to understand "what happened", and what she's thinking?

I want to find out if she like me but just not ready to date, or actually don't like me that way at all?

 

So I replied to her message asking if we can meet and talk.

She then said "yeah sure", and told me she's busy Tuesday and Thursday.

I asked if Wednesday works with her which she said it's not great really, and can we talk on the phone instead.

But straightaway she also said we could actually meet at a cafe for a coffee.

So for now we are set to meet tomorrow.

 

 

I know asking to meet and talk through things after just a few days is probably too much?

But at the same time I wanted to talk about it so we can clear the air, know what each other is thinking so we are on the same page?

And I just thought meet and talk is better than talking on the phone or through messages. Clearer and more straightforward.

I also asked her to meet and talk with the expectation of her saying no she's not up for it, which I would understand and be fine about it too.

 

What are you guys' thoughts?

Am I doing the "right thing" here? Is meeting up too much?

Should I just call or message and not keep in contact?

[SweetGirl28]

You're way too invested in this. Three dates. And she's nowhere near ready to date, not on the level you want. Do you want to be in her friendzone? I know you don't. Because you want more. Here's what may happen: you are friends, she confides in you, you hang out sometimes, you start liking her more, then boom! She tells you she's going back to her ex.

 

I can't predict that will happen, but I see you setting yourself up for hurt and disappointment.

 

Also, she may be seeking a little attention, and know you will give it to her.

 

I think meeting up is not a good idea. Why talk about something that you can't change? Talking won't make her healed and ready to date you.

[blacktea]

I think I wanted to find out if she like me or not, as in if the "not ready" is the only reason?

 

And I'm just not sure if I should cut all contacts with her right now?

Overall I just don't know how to go about it.

I felt that it's better to make it clear then no contact, instead of stopping all contacts right now.

But again, I'm not sure what's the best way. And yeh I'm second thinking about the meet at the moment.

[SweetGirl28]

She likes you, as a person most likely. But it doesn't change the fact she's not ready. And if you ask her, and she says she does, you'll be left hanging on in hopes of her dating you when she is ready. And then you tie your life up. And she may find someone else.

 

I've done this countless times to guys, and I'm not proud of it. I still have some contacting me because I used a soft approach, and didn't want to hurt them. Because they were nice guys. Because I knew they liked me and wanted that chance with me I just couldn't give.

 

Meeting up is just not a good idea. But I do see the value in face to face. Texting, no. It can be taken the wrong way. What about a video call? I understand your point, you don't want to just disappear. She's confusing you, saying she doesn't want to date, but then reaching out. Whatever you do, don't lay out how you feel. If anything, just directly ask what she wants from you. Then decide if contact is worth it.

 

I can almost guarantee you're not going to get the answer you want. I know it sucks to feel so attracted and not be given the chance, but it's just not the right timing to do so.

[DancingFool]

Oh sweetie - you are being treated like a rebound, which is exactly where she is at. Yes, she wants attention when she is feeling lonely or maybe she just talked to her ex or whatever. Talking to you or hanging out with you is an ego boost afterward.

 

Look, you've got to stop dragging this madness out. It is exactly what it looks like - she is fresh out of a relationship, a mess, not ready to date, but will totally use you as a rebound and I don't mean that in any beneficial way to you. Think of it along the lines of a person with a broken leg. You are their crutch. As long as the leg is broken and healing, they need you. As they do heal, they need you less until one day you get tossed aside and they run off with glee.....with some other guy. Rebound relationships don't work out because it's part of that painful time and emotional baggage of the break up. Once a person is healed, they will shed it all and that means you too.

 

Stop being at her beck and call and find some self respect. After three dates there is nothing to meet and talk about. She isn't in a healthy place and you aren't looking to be her rebound chump. Walk away now so that if/when she finally is ready to date, should you two actually run into each other, you could start anew. If you carry on as is to the point of being pathetic, she'll lose all respect for you and once a woman doesn't respect you, it's game over for you forever.