Great dates. One red flag

[blacktea]

You are very right.

 

Can I just say I totally understand where she's coming from when she say's shes not ready.

I know she is not ready and I'm not thinking to date her or ask her on dates anytime soon.

I think the reason I want to find out what she is thinking is just so I know how to act when/if she contact me.

Because I have no idea how to approach her contacts at the moment.

I don't think I have to go full NC, but I'm also not sure how much contact is ok?

 

And yeah I was deciding between a call or meet, and thought I would ask to meet and see what she says.

I'm more inclined to the video call option just now.

[blacktea]

Oh sweetie - you are being treated like a rebound, which is exactly where she is at. Yes, she wants attention when she is feeling lonely or maybe she just talked to her ex or whatever. Talking to you or hanging out with you is an ego boost afterward.

 

Look, you've got to stop dragging this madness out. It is exactly what it looks like - she is fresh out of a relationship, a mess, not ready to date, but will totally use you as a rebound and I don't mean that in any beneficial way to you. Think of it along the lines of a person with a broken leg. You are their crutch. As long as the leg is broken and healing, they need you. As they do heal, they need you less until one day you get tossed aside and they run off with glee.....with some other guy. Rebound relationships don't work out because it's part of that painful time and emotional baggage of the break up. Once a person is healed, they will shed it all and that means you too.

 

Stop being at her beck and call and find some self respect. After three dates there is nothing to meet and talk about. She isn't in a healthy place and you aren't looking to be her rebound chump. Walk away now so that if/when she finally is ready to date, should you two actually run into each other, you could start anew. If you carry on as is to the point of being pathetic, she'll lose all respect for you and once a woman doesn't respect you, it's game over for you forever.

 

so you think I should just walk away now without saying anything?

[katrina1980]

blacktea, honestly, you know what this sounds like to me?

 

That *you're* not all that invested either, it's only been three dates after all -- what this is actually about is your wanting confirmation that her rejection is not about "you" but rather due to her not "being ready."

 

It about your ego. Your ego will bruise less, her rejection won't sting as much, if you think it's not about "you."

 

Bottom line is it does not matter, the outcome is the same regardless of whether it's about you or her not being ready.

 

Which, as I said earlier is actually one in the same. Her not being ready, her still being hung up on her ex = her not being into "you."

 

I agree with DF's last post. Especially her last paragraph. Do not meet with her. You will appear pathetic in her eyes and she will lose total respect.

 

Step away from your ego, text her wishing her well and walk away.

[blacktea]

blacktea, honestly, you know what this sounds like to me?

 

That *you're* not all that invested either, it's only been three dates after all -- what this is actually about is your wanting confirmation that her rejection is not about "you" but rather due to her not "being ready."

 

It about your ego. Your ego will bruise less if you think it's not about "you."

 

Bottom line is it does not matter, the outcome is the same regardless of whether it's about you or her not being ready.

 

Which, as I said earlier is actually one in the same. Her not being ready, her still being hung up on her ex = her not being into "you."

 

I agree with DF's last post. Especially her last paragraph. Do not meet with her. You will appear pathetic in her eyes and she will lose total respect.

 

Step away from your ego, text her wishing her well and walk away.

 

Yeah you guys are right.

 

Should I mention anything about the meet up? Cause we are set to meet tomorrow at the moment

[katrina1980]

Yeah you guys are right.

 

Should I mention anything about the meet up? Cause we are set to meet tomorrow at the moment

 

JMO, but you are not dating, so all that's necessary is "apologies, something came up and I won't be able to make it tomorrow. Wish you the best."

 

It's not a lie cause what "came up" is your changing your mind and not wanting to meet.

 

After that, if you don't trust yourself to ignore her attention-seeking breadcrumbs, block and delete.

[blacktea]

JMO, but you are not dating, so all that's necessary is "apologies, something came up and I won't be able to make it tomorrow. Wish you the best."

 

It's not a lie cause what "came up" is your changing your mind and not wanting to meet.

 

After that, if you don't trust yourself to ignore her attention-seeking breadcrumbs, block and delete.

 

Yeh that makes sense. I'll say that.

 

I do feel pathetic thinking back lol.

It was the missed calls and the messages that made me wonder.

And in the middle of the frustrations I thought ok let's just clear things up and get on with our lives.

But yeh it's only three dates and I have should have known better.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, there is no air to clear or way to get on the same page or anything to analyse. She said she's not ready to date. For her that's the final determination. Pressuring her under the guise of "talking it over", just to continue to see her and attempt to change her mind will backfire. She knows your contact info, if it was working for her or she felt otherwise, she would contact you.

But she already sent me a message saying she doesn't think she's ready to date?

[blacktea]

Unfortunately, there is no air to clear or way to get on the same page or anything to analyse. She said she's not ready to date. For her that's the final determination. Pressuring her under the guise of "talking it over", just to continue to see her and attempt to change her mind will backfire. She knows your contact info, if it was working for her or she felt otherwise, she would contact you.

 

I'm honestly not thinking to change her mind. It's impossible I know.

It was her subsequent messages and calls after that message that messed my mind.

As in she did make it clear yeah, but then she kept in contact so I thought too much into it.

I should have known better.

 

Hope I've not messed it up.

[boltnrun]

I'm honestly not thinking to change her mind. It's impossible I know.

It was her subsequent messages and calls after that message that messed my mind.

As in she did make it clear yeah, but then she kept in contact so I thought too much into it.

I should have known better.

 

Hope I've not messed it up.

 

Messed what up? Her wanting to keep you around as a "friend"? What is there to "mess up"?

 

Are you honestly hoping that when she sees you she will change her mind and decide to date you again?

 

If continued contact from her messes your mind, then it needs to stop.

[DancingFool]

so you think I should just walk away now without saying anything?

 

I'll just second what Katrina said, just tell her that something has come up and wish her well and move on and drop contact. Spare yourself some dignity here.

 

Also, "I'm not going to be her rebound chump doormat" - print that out, stick it to your fridge and keep reading it and repeating it to yourself until that sinks in.

[katrina1980]

 

Hope I've not messed it up.

 

I echo what bolt said, what is there to mess up? The notion that someday down the road, you can pick up where you left off and go running off into the sunset together?

 

Apologies for the sarcasm, but seriously bt, what is your thought process here? I'd seriously like to know.

 

On one hand, you just agreed with my post suggesting this was about your EGO. But now on the other, you're fearful that you might "mess it up"?

 

There is nothing to mess up. You had three dates after which she decided, for whatever reason, she does not want to date you anymore.

 

Again, and jmo this "not ready" bs is just that -- BS. She wasn't feeling it, period, end of. Her texts thereafter were her feeling lonely (at that moment) and needing attention.

 

I mean come on, when you responded to her breadcrumb text asking why she had texted, her response was she doesn't remember???

 

Translation: Last night I felt lonely and was just needing some attention, but woke up feeling differently so there is nothing to talk about.

Agree with DF, spare yourself some dignity, send the text cancelling your meet tomorrow, and move on.

[DancingFool]

I echo what bolt said, what is there to mess up? The notion that someday down the road, you can pick up where you left off and go running off into the sunset together?

 

Apologies for the sarcasm, but seriously bt, what is your thought process here? I'd seriously like to know.

 

On one hand, you just agreed with my post suggesting this was about your EGO. But now on the other, you're fearful that you might "mess it up"?

 

There is nothing to mess up. You had three dates after which she decided, for whatever reason, she does not want to date you anymore.

 

Again, and jmo this "not ready" bs is just that -- BS. She wasn't feeling it, period, end of. Her texts thereafter were her feeling lonely (at that moment) and needing attention.

 

I mean come on, when you responded to her breadcrumb text asking why she had texted, her response was she doesn't remember???

 

Translation: Last night I felt lonely and was just needing some attention, but woke up feeling differently so there is nothing to talk about.

Agree with DF, spare yourself some dignity, send the text cancelling your meet tomorrow, and move on.

 

^That in bold is soooo spot on. The very fact that she feels free to jerk you around like that means that she already has you pegged as a total doormat. This ship has sailed and only thing left is salvage what's left of your dignity, cancel this meet up and walk away. Do not make yourself look more foolish and pathetic. At this point it really is damage control and salvaging what's left of your ego by not stooping so low as to be her doormat.

[blacktea]

Messed up in the sense that I gave her a reason to think I'm weak/pathetic.

 

I handled it wrong. I was frustrated about receiving her calls and messages over the weekend.

I was thinking that if she knew to tell me that she's not ready, she would also know not to contact me anymore.

In the heat of the moment I just thought let's meet and talk like mature people, so we are clear on what's happening.

But yes I was wrong. I should have ignore all the breadcrumbs from her.

Trust me I'm honestly feeling very crap and pathetic of myself right now thinking about it.

 

Anyway it's ok, what happened has happened. What she thinks of me doesn't matter anymore.

I have taken all you guys's advice on board. I sent her that one line message which she replied saying no worries, hope everything is ok.

 

So yeah lesson learned.

[katrina1980]

Hey blacktea, first off, apologies for my harshness earlier.

 

I actually learned that from my mom, she was quite harsh with me while growing up, but that's how I learned! So I guess I got that from her.

 

Secondly, please don't beat yourself up too badly, we have all BTDT, at least I have. My actions very foolish in retrospect. But it's all a journey, and again that is how we learn and grow.

 

And honestly, I don't think your actions were all that foolish anyway, not compared to how foolish I've been lemmetellya! :eek:

 

They might have been had you chosen to meet with her, but you cancelled, kept your dignity, and she responded back saying she understood. So honestly, I think it's all cool.

 

Best of luck moving forward!

[SweetGirl28]

Messed up in the sense that I gave her a reason to think I'm weak/pathetic.

 

I handled it wrong. I was frustrated about receiving her calls and messages over the weekend.

I was thinking that if she knew to tell me that she's not ready, she would also know not to contact me anymore.

In the heat of the moment I just thought let's meet and talk like mature people, so we are clear on what's happening.

But yes I was wrong. I should have ignore all the breadcrumbs from her.

Trust me I'm honestly feeling very crap and pathetic of myself right now thinking about it.

 

Anyway it's ok, what happened has happened. What she thinks of me doesn't matter anymore.

I have taken all you guys's advice on board. I sent her that one line message which she replied saying no worries, hope everything is ok.

 

So yeah lesson learned.

 

I am willing to bet she keeps contacting because now she will worry. Her "hope everything is ok" is indicative of that.

 

Now what?? I think you should have just been upfront. Told her you like her, you understand she's not ready to date, and wish her well for the future. If she said "well I wanna be friends" you could say "I felt I wanted more, so I can't accept trying for friendship" then she'd back off. As it is right now, that doors still open.

 

But.....three dates. Go on from this. Yes she was great but you don't know how long you would have felt that for. Maybe it would have fizzled in a month or two. I do think this girl likes you, I think she wants to lean on you a bit. You don't need that. That's what her friends are for.

[blacktea]

Hey blacktea, first off, apologies for my harshness earlier.

 

I actually learned that from my mom, she was quite harsh with me while growing up, but that's how I learned! So I guess I got that from her.

 

Secondly, please don't beat yourself up too badly, we have all BTDT, at least I have. My actions very foolish in retrospect. But it's all a journey, and again that is how we learn and grow.

 

And honestly, I don't think your actions were all that foolish anyway, not compared to how foolish I've been lemmetellya! :eek:

 

They might have been had you chosen to meet with her, but you cancelled, kept your dignity, and she responded back saying she understood. So honestly, I think it's all cool.

 

Best of luck moving forward!

 

No you have nothing to apologize for, and thank you for your supportive reply!

 

Yeah I can't say I don't feel bad about it, but like I said it's happened anyway, I can't go back time and do differently (which I wish I could lol).

 

You might have been very foolish but I'm sure you're not anymore!

That's the main reason why I'm happy to share all the details here and ask for you guy's perspectives and honest advice.

Because I know you guys are very wise on this kind of topics, you all together have experienced it all in life

So yeah thank you everyone.

[blacktea]

I am willing to bet she keeps contacting because now she will worry. Her "hope everything is ok" is indicative of that.

 

Now what?? I think you should have just been upfront. Told her you like her, you understand she's not ready to date, and wish her well for the future. If she said "well I wanna be friends" you could say "I felt I wanted more, so I can't accept trying for friendship" then she'd back off. As it is right now, that doors still open.

 

But.....three dates. Go on from this. Yes she was great but you don't know how long you would have felt that for. Maybe it would have fizzled in a month or two. I do think this girl likes you, I think she wants to lean on you a bit. You don't need that. That's what her friends are for.

 

I have no idea.

But if she does send me more crumbs I will come here and leave a quick reply to update you guys.

[katrina1980]

JMHO, and not to give you false hope bt, but unless and until someone passes on from this world, that proverbial door is always open.

 

One never knows where life will take us; I've read about couples finding each other again after 20 years, and hitting it off, getting married even.

 

I am actually a firm believer in never closing doors, not fully anyway; just simply move on with your life, and let life take you wherever it's meant to take you.