shackleford3 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 My wife has a tattoo on her lower back with a guy's name on it. I asked her about it while dating she stated it was an old friend, nothing romantic, that died while in the USMC. I was in the Marines as well and didn't think anything else about it. We have been married for 10 years now and while visiting her family I found out it was an old boyfriend, who is very much alive. I asked her about it that night and she told me that she didn't want to talk about it. A few days later I asked her about it and she said it was indeed an old boyfriend, whom she was head over heels for and would have done anything for. She went on to say she hurt her and she does not have any feeling towards him. When asked why she told me he was dead she told me she did not remember saying that. I asked why she has not had it covered up or removed and she said she just forgot about it. Should I just try to let this go? Should I tell her it bothers me, and I want her to get it covered up? Link to comment
jimthzz Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Sounds like she still holds a passive flame for him. However, what is there to do about it? The lying is avoidance behavior. It doesn't necessarily mean she wants to get back with him, she just doesn't want to deal with you. Link to comment
dias Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 After ten years it shouldn't really matter but I would be annoyed that she lied in the first place. And even if it's true she shouldn't have uttered the words "would have done anything for him". I mean, it's like you come second. Diplomacy wouldn't hurt sometimes. Anyway, I believe you should let it go. Link to comment
bluecastle Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Yes, you just let this go. Feel the pain, the bruise to the ego, but let it go. Embrace that challenge as a display of your love and compassion for her, rather than looking at this as something to be resentful for. This should ultimately be something to laugh about, nothing more. I'm sure she was young when she got the tattoo, young when you guys got together. She didn't have the maturity, self-awareness, and self-possession to be fully straight. Probably because she wasn't able to be fully straight with herself. That's life. That's humanity. So she hedged, no different than shaving a few unfortunate flings off your "number" so you don't seem like a player. Yes, total honesty is the ideal we're all striving for. But grace is also the ideal, allowing the people we love a little leeway to wobble on the path to inhabiting their best selves. She's been with you for 10 years. This guy is just a ghost from the past. We all have those. She just has a tattoo. Link to comment
yatsue Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Lower back, huh? So she has a tramp stamp of her old boyfriend...I can see how most people would have an issue with that. However, the tattoo is admittedly hilarious at the sheer stupidity of it. If there is nothing more to this, then I would let it go. If not, please do tell. Other questionable instances of her faithfulness to you would make this a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship. Link to comment
j.man Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Given it's her lower back, I doubt she gets much opportunity to see the tattoo. I wouldn't think too much on her not being terribly compelled to have it covered or removed. That said, that would eliminate a couple pretty great sexual positions for me if I had some dude's name glaring up at me. If both she and you are cool sticking with face-to-face, I'd say try your best to get over it. Otherwise... I don't know. I'm generally very hands-off, take it or leave it when it comes to whatever alterations one chooses for their own body, but I'd hope she would be understanding and look into at least covering it up. Removal can be quite a painful and physically scarring process from what I understand. Beyond that, I'd try not to tie it in with a grand deceit by her. Yes, it's never cool when someone lies, but given it took 10 years to find out, she probably hedged it logically and simply passed it off at the time to avoid drama. Link to comment
shackleford3 Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 Your right, out of sight out of mind. As for the sexual positions... your are right, now that I know the truth it is awkward seeing it staring up at you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Unfortunately tattoos are forever, unlike love.😕 It's also unfortunate she lied about it, but she was most likely embarrassed that what sounded like a great idea at the time, wasn't. 💉 All you can do is offer to pay to have it removed or if you can't afford that, ask her to revise it and have your name or another design tattooed over it. Tattoos are very expensive to remove and may still leave residual ink and scarring.💰My wife has a tattoo on her lower back with a guy's name on it. I asked why she has not had it covered up or removed and she said she just forgot about it. Should I tell her it bothers me, and I want her to get it covered up? Link to comment
yatsue Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Tattoos are very expensive to remove and may still leave residual ink and scarring.💰 ...or will have a scar of this guy's name instead, depending on the kind of tattoo. Offering to pay for the coverup is a good idea, and perhaps to throw in a lighthearted mentioning of how it would be awkward knowing what you do now during sex. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Your right, out of sight out of mind. As for the sexual positions... your are right, now that I know the truth it is awkward seeing it staring up at you. Then ask her if she's willing to get it tattooed over. I'm not sure why this is even something to run past people. She is your wife and you should be able to discuss wants and expectations with her. The only problem I can see why you wouldn't have just asked this of her is you're afraid she will tell you "no." If she does that, well then let us know and you'll have another whole thread of opinions to mull over for sure. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 I don't understand why she couldn't say when you met "yeah, i got an old boyfriend's name on my tattoo. What a bad idea that was!" Or owned it. Because why would anyone get a friends name on them? Unless it was a close friend who died in the line of duty or something. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 If she is that sensitive about it, asking her to get it covered might not go well at this very moment..... Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Never be afraid to communicate with the one you love and who loves you what is going on in your head and heart. Link to comment
Jibralta Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 My wife has a tattoo on her lower back with a guy's name on it. I asked her about it while dating she stated it was an old friend, nothing romantic, that died while in the USMC. I was in the Marines as well and didn't think anything else about it. We have been married for 10 years now and while visiting her family I found out it was an old boyfriend, who is very much alive. I asked her about it that night and she told me that she didn't want to talk about it. A few days later I asked her about it and she said it was indeed an old boyfriend, whom she was head over heels for and would have done anything for. She went on to say she hurt her and she does not have any feeling towards him. When asked why she told me he was dead she told me she did not remember saying that. I asked why she has not had it covered up or removed and she said she just forgot about it. Should I just try to let this go? Should I tell her it bothers me, and I want her to get it covered up? When I first read this, I thought, "That's messed up and I'd be pissed." But now I don't know. Maybe she really doesn't remember saying that. Maybe she said it flippantly while you were dating, because it was none of your business and she didn't realize that the two of you would get married and be together for so long. How did her tattoo come up when you were with her family? What is the outcome you are looking to achieve now, after 10 years of marriage? If you'd just like her to cover up the tattoo, yes, I'd ask her. But if you're right-fighting, I'd just drop it. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 If she is that sensitive about it, asking her to get it covered might not go well at this very moment..... But if she's too sensitive to talk about it or even consider changing it, it's a symptom of a bigger problem. Ask her. It's just the decent thing to do. Besides, it's somewhat a compromise that you'll overlook her lying to you about it to begin with. Link to comment
shackleford3 Posted September 27, 2018 Author Share Posted September 27, 2018 While we were visiting her family, they had a get together. My wife was inside talking with her friend Monica when my wife’s father asked her is she last spoke with chad as I walked into the basement. My wife said no and left the basement area. As far as outcome, no clue. Just wanting to get advice and several opinions before I do anything. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted September 27, 2018 Share Posted September 27, 2018 Probably nothing more to it, than it was a conversation she didn't want to have at the time because an ex in general is a sore subject for people. She's been your wife for 10 years. She's married to you. Just close your eyes when in positions where you can see it. It has to be her decision to cover (which will be a mess) or remove(costly and several sessions and not worth it). I think it's your ego bothering you more than anything. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 For me, it would be the lie that bothers me. Not the tattoo. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Probably nothing more to it, than it was a conversation she didn't want to have at the time because an ex in general is a sore subject for people. She's been your wife for 10 years. She's married to you. Just close your eyes when in positions where you can see it. It has to be her decision to cover (which will be a mess) or remove(costly and several sessions and not worth it). I think it's your ego bothering you more than anything. I second this post. It's been there for as long as you have been together. Let it go. Harping on about the past will only end up in grief for your marriage. Choose your battles wisely. Link to comment
ThatwasThen Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Yes... the lie is the thing. Not only that, if she wouldn't consider having the tattoo remastered then I'd be wondering why it meant so much to her and just how important this guy is to her. Up you you if you want to open the can of worms or not, Op. Link to comment
SweetGirl28 Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 Yes... the lie is the thing. Not only that, if she wouldn't consider having the tattoo remastered then I'd be wondering why it meant so much to her and just how important this guy is to her. Up you you if you want to open the can of worms or not, Op. After all these years? It's unfair to ask her to remove it. It's her body. Would he not have married her if she said it was her exes name? I find this childish. They have a marraige. A solid foundation of 10 years. The ex was before the husband. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 He didnt have a choice of whether or not to accept it when he met her because she with held the truth to begin with. As someone said before, she could have fluffed it off to a bad decision it might be a non issue today. Finding out after the fact gives this much more weight then it might deserve. But it does beg the question, why the grand cover up? And when it's been well known (to others)that this was a great love in her life, then had she never changed it for a reason? I'd be a little humiliated that everyone knew this dude was walking the earth when I led to believe it was some tribute to a dead man. Come on?! Totally fair questions, IMO. It's not about the tatoo. He married her knowing it was there. It's about rewriting history and trust. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 That could easily be changed to "Schadenfreude" by a good tattoo artist.🧐 wife’s father asked her is she last spoke with chad as I walked into the basement. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 This is why having someone's name tattooed on your body us always such a great idea. Yikes! She lied to you on numerous occasions and then lied again when she said she didn't remember saying he was dead. She remembers everything and you know it. To me it is pretty disrespectful to your marriage to keep this guys name on her body. Is she devoted to him or the marriage? Making demands of another in a relationship is hardly ever a good idea. If the person is in love with you and devotes themselves to you they should want to remove it. Now if they know you really don't like it then that should motivate them even more to remove it. P.S. People do not generally get a fallen Comrade or dead old friends name put on their lower back. Bicep, pectoral or should blade usually but the lower back is reserved for more "special" friends. No matter what you do you need to be prepared for the aftermath. Are you willing to break up over this? How far are you willing to go? She obviously knows it is there and is willing to lie to keep it where it is. What are you willing to do? Personally if it was me and if I was dating a woman with some ex's name above her butt and we were getting serious and she did nothing to have it covered or removed I would seriously rethink staying with her. But that is just me and Jman is right, who wants to look at that when you are with your wife? Think hard before you do or say anything and remember it doesn't matter how or why they broke up, what matters is between you and your wife right now. I just goggled covering up a tattooed name and there is a whole industry/artists just for this very thing. Way cheaper than removal too... Lost Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted September 28, 2018 Share Posted September 28, 2018 deleted . . . Link to comment
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