In Amazing Relationship- Saw Girlfriend's Search History About Wanting Breakup

[LexS]

So I met this amazing girl on Tinder back in November. We clicked so fast and started dating pretty much right away. We loved each other’s company so much. We both travel for work, but it was never a problem. We would talk for hours on the phone when we were apart, and when we were home, we would spend about 3-4 days with each other or as much as we could because we both worked full time.

 

We made time for our friends and family, and it was very fluid. We were always laughing, hardly ever had any arguments, the sex was amazing, and it seemed almost perfect.

 

My girlfriend is sober and has been for six years. Lost both her parents in her teenage life and has struggled with a lot of anxiety and depression in her life, which rarely came out because she is usually on medication. I on the other hand drink and smoke on occasion, which never bothered her, she knows I’m my own person.

 

She treated me like a queen and me to her as well. She was my first girlfriend ever. I just came out about being bisexual at age 21 and am now 22. I never did get to find myself and explore my sexuality that I had hidden my whole life. A huge part of me was so in love and happy with her and what we had. And another part wasn’t ready to settle, although we had an almost perfect relationship.

 

She is 29 and is at that point in her life where she’s thinking about settling down. She’s been there, done that. I on the other hand am just now figuring myself out myself and to be honest have only been with 2 women. At the 8-9th month, I put all of that behind me and realized I could be with her for the rest of my life, and move to the next step in our relationship. We planned on getting a place together at our year and a half mark after my lease was up. We just had our ten month anniversary at the beginning of September.We’ve already experienced so much with each other, we live in TX, but have traveled to Cancun and many states in the US.

 

I borrowed her computer the other day to look up some business stuff on google; I found some things in her search engine on google that took me by surprise.. 6 or 7 things to be exact.. “the only time I feel close to my girlfriend is when I feel like I’m gonna lose her.” “not use to a loving relationship want to leave.” “when you know it’s time to break up.” “girlfriend doesn’t mentally or spiritually stimulate me.” “girlfriend is getting on my last nerves six months in.” “I talk down to my gf alot.” “My girlfriend interrupts me.” ...

 

I hadn’t noticed a change in her, I know she deals with her depression but she always tells me how happy I made her. It almost didn’t seem real. I confronted her and ended the relationship. She was so distraught that she broke down apologizing for even looking all of that up and said she should’ve just talked to me. She was begging for a second chance and said she’d do anything. I told her that there wasn’t much to talk about if she was already thinking these things so early in the relationship. The following day at work she sent flowers to my office w/ a little note that said my intentions were never to hurt you, please forgive me. I sent a letter to her house saying that I forgave her and told her that I would always love and if we're meant to be one day the universe will bring us back together. I made no promises of ever getting back together but I would say this is one of my most mature break-ups which makes it so difficult.

 

Part of me feels that I was meant to find it, but the other part is crushed. I’ve prayed about it and I’m having a hard time wondering if this was the right decision. She was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Did I make a mistake in not giving her a chance to make it up to me, or is this a sign that we shouldn’t be together? Any advice or opinions would be wonderful xoxo

 

Sincerely, Lex

[Hollyj]

You made the right decision. You two are in different places. You are way too young to settle down.

 

Did you ever feel that there were communication issues? Over what time period were these searches?

 

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this.

[bluecastle]

Feeling for you.

 

I hate to say it, but I feel like your reaction was a bit extreme, shocking and devastating as those Google results were.

 

There's not a relationship in the world that doesn't have a dash of doubt swirling about, sometimes a sprinkle, sometimes an avalanche. Just as a few months earlier you were really into things, but also kind of wondering about other things, she was clearly in a place of doubt, and exploring that privately with help of Google. That was her process for dealing with some complicated feelings—maybe a way to feel better, maybe a way to figure out how to talk to you, maybe a way to talk with herself so as not to hurt things with you. Or, sure, maybe a way to end things.

 

Point being, it's complicated, and it sounds like in your crushed state you took back control in an impulsive way—by pulling the rip cord before she could reach for it.

 

Conflict is always around the corner, and relationships survive (or don't) when conflict arises. In another scenario, this could have been a moment for a hard, frank, honest discussion. A moment where you guy went deeper, and maybe came out the other end closer. It sounds like she was kind of leaning in that direction, and a compassionate view of those search results is that of someone gathering all the information they can about their life and emotions before making an impulsive act.

 

If you have that feeling that there's more depth to explore, that you acted in haste, I would let her know. If you're too hurt, and for you this is a point of no return—well, that's your boundary.

[DancingFool]

It was the right decision for you, because deep down you weren't ready to settle down and still want to run around and explore and given your age, you should be doing precisely that.

 

That said, the way you ended things and the excuse you used was really cruel. Don't ever ever do that to anyone ever again. OWN your feelings. If the relationship isn't working for you, you feel like you aren't ready for a future together or simply don't see it, then be honest with your partner about that and yes, end things on that note.

 

What you did here is use her search history and her own doubts, thoughts, who knows what against her in a volatile reaction and dumped her by making her "the bad guy." If you truly had been invested in this relationship and found that kind of stuff on the search history, then the more mature thing to do is to talk to your partner and address what is going on with them, what doubts/thoughts they are having about the relationship and how the two of you can solve that. A good old fashioned heart to heart as opposed to a volatile knee jerk.

 

Anyway, given all your issues with this relationship and the fact that you really weren't ready to settle down, regardless of how you handled the break up, you still made the right choice. If you want to be a more decent person, then just tell her that it really wasn't about her and that you are sorry for being an azz about blaming her, but that really you just weren't ready for everything and that was just your tipping point, your excuse to get out, but it's brewing for a long time. Sounds actually like that part might well have been mutual. For all the fun, the relationship was shallow.

[HealingLight]

Wow, I bet those search terms were surprising. I don't think she left them on her computer for you to deliberately find it. I think in a way it's like looking into someone's diary, it wasn't meant to be public for you to see. As you've said, she struggles with anxiety and depression which may color how she feels about the relationship or where her private thoughts go on any given day. I'm in the healthcare field and if someone looked up my search terms they would have a very different impression about me than what's actually going on.

 

If you think there is long-term potential here, I would sit her down and ask her to be more open with you when/if there is a disconnect. Certain things in those search terms would bother me more than others--the mental/spiritual stimulation--if she truly feels that way, then you aren't compatible. The only way you would know this is from communicating with her openly about what exactly you saw and how she feels. Her searching for only feeling close to you when she's going to lose you hints to emotional unavailability, associating love with pain. Is she currently in therapy?

 

The other issue is where you guys are in your stage of life. Even though there is only a 7 year age difference, the phase of life you're in can be vastly different. Will you be happy if you did marry her and never had another partner? This is completely up to you, but you sounded like there may be some regret if you didn't get more dating experience under your belt. I'm the type of person who doesn't want to experience a lot of other partners, so that wouldn't bother me but it sounds like you may still want to explore. How can you envision that right now independent of her being in the picture? What would you want for yourself in that regard?

[HealingLight]

What you did here is use her search history and her own doubts, thoughts, who knows what against her in a volatile reaction and dumped her by making her "the bad guy." If you truly had been invested in this relationship and found that kind of stuff on the search history, then the more mature thing to do is to talk to your partner and address what is going on with them, what doubts/thoughts they are having about the relationship and how the two of you can solve that. A good old fashioned heart to heart as opposed to a volatile knee jerk.

 

I hate to say it, but I feel like your reaction was a bit extreme, shocking and devastating as those Google results were.

 

In another scenario, this could have been a moment for a hard, frank, honest discussion. A moment where you guy went deeper, and maybe came out the other end closer. It sounds like she was kind of leaning in that direction, and a compassionate view of those search results is that of someone gathering all the information they can about their life and emotions before making an impulsive act.

 

^^I agree with this sentiment.

[ThatwasThen]

I never did get to find myself and explore my sexuality that I had hidden my whole life. A huge part of me was so in love and happy with her and what we had. And another part wasn’t ready to settle,

I think by her searching those topics she gave you the excuse you needed to go out and "explore."

[Morello]

Another example of someone breaking up and not giving the true reason, or at least hiding a substantial reason. Like the other poster said above, she's now probably thinking you broke up only due to her searching history (which should have been private by the way). You never communicated with her what you just said here, that you felt like exploring outside of the relationship and didn't feel like settling.

 

While she was googling about breaking up, you were also thinking about it due to wanting to explore. I don't think you are that different at all.

 

If there's one thing I learned in this board is to never fully trust the reasons someone gives for breaking up with you. Take that with a grain of salt (or maybe a kilo bag of rock salt would be more appropriate). The true reasons are very rarely communicated.

[katrina1980]

I think by her searching those topics she gave you the excuse you needed to go out and "explore."

 

Agree with this^ and what DancingFool and others posted who said you were the one who wanted out, and used her search history as an excuse to end it.

 

Had you NOT wanted out, you would have discussed with her what you found and her ambivalence, which everyone experiences from time to time, even in the BEST of relationships. In fact, had you not wanted out, imo you would never have gone searching in the first place.

 

I am pretty sure what you did was a form of gaslighting which is really cruel.

 

That said, I don't think you're a cruel person, but you made a poor and dishonest choice.

 

As DF said, please don't ever do that to anyone ever again. If you want out (for whatever reason), own it, it's okay.

 

You are still very young, in the process of discovering yourself and exploring your sexuality and life, be single for awhile and explore to your heart's content.

 

In time, you will be ready to settle down, just like your ex is now.

[Wiseman2]

If you need to "go out and explore" then do not become exclusive and be honest about that.

[frustrated1]

I somewhat agree with the above posts. You probably should have had a talk about it, and let her explain her side of the story. It seems as though you made up your mind and didn't even attempt to work through it. Perhaps some part of you did want the relationship to end. However, on the flip side, those searches would have definitely disturbed me. You describe your relationship as practically idyllic, yet some of those searches paint a very different picture. Either she was very good at hiding her emotions from you, or you were not noticing her shift in mood. After reading those searches, I don't know if I would be able to continue a relationship with someone who hid such important issues from me, and continued on as if nothing was wrong. It would definitely put me on edge going forward, being unsure of how my partner feels about me and the relationship. So I do see where you are coming from, however, I do think you acted a bit rash.

[Honeycomb8]

I would have done the same thing as u.

 

The search topics would mean I won't ever feel secure or trust them the same way again.

[LexS]

I really appreciate every single one of your comments. Some of you have made me realize things that I wouldn't have admitted to myself. I was typing in on google something and before I could even start typing a few of the things she had looked up, immediately popped up. From there, I deleted a few and more kept popping up. It wasn't like I deliberately went to her search history. @HealingLight, She does go to therapy. I'm curious if she talks about me.. and what she was thinking about. I am contemplating talking with her and getting her explanation for all of these thoughts. I think I immediately put a wall up and didn't need an explanation because they were all very clear (in my opinion). There's a lot of things I think I need to think about and her as well. I did send a written letter to her house the day after we broke up to get some things out. I'm not going to type the whole thing but I told her that the things I saw that she typed about us, hurt me. That I keep wondering what it was that I did, or something I could've done differently. I told her how much I loved her and that I couldn't just continue the relationship knowing she thought these things. I told her that if we were meant to be the universe would bring us back together. I told her to take care of herself, and her dog sami. and i wished her happiness, success, health etc. Is it too late to meet for coffee and see what she has to say, now that we've both had some time to think? or should I just accept that we've both had thoughts and accept the breakup for it is.. Again, I appreciate all of your honesty. It truly means alot.

[DancingFool]

The thing is that once you break up like that, you really can't take it back because the other person will not be able to trust you or feel comfortable and safe in the relationship again, even if they want to and try. It will eat at them internally and she already has issues and anxieties, so this will just add to it and amplify everything. On top of that, again, be honest with yourself that you did want out and it's for the best that you are done. I wouldn't stir this any further.

 

Additional food for thought for you is that this relationship might have sorely lacked in honest communication from the both of you. People quite often confuse all happy, never any conflict as a great relationship. However, it's unrealistic for two people to always think so alike that they never have conflict or disagreement. Usually, lack of conflict here and there indicates a severe lack of communication - two people bottling up their issues until something sparks an explosion. Which is kind of what happened here. I'm not suggesting that you should be fighting or arguing all the time because that's just the flip side of the coin of unhealthy. I'm talking about communication and being able to express what makes you unhappy and then being able to discuss and resolve that.

 

I think you need to learn from this, do better in the future and move on.

[ThatwasThen]

Is it too late to meet for coffee and see what she has to say, now that we've both had some time to think? or should I just accept that we've both had thoughts and accept the breakup for it is.. Again, I appreciate all of your honesty. It truly means alot.

Why?

 

Neither of you were happy. You want to explore and she was googling how to end things.

[LexS]

We talked on the phone yesterday. It's been 9 days since the breakup. I texted her and wanted her to know that i wasn't mad at her for looking those things up, and we all have a different way of dealing with our thoughts and emotions. she said she was relieved to hear from me and talk about things in person. she said we didn't have to meet in person if i wasn't comfortable. so instead we talked on the phone for about an hour. she explained how when she's not close with God, every aspect of her life starts to have issues. she continued to say it was never me that was the problem. it was her and her obsessive mind that was overthinking. i still don't understand.. but i told her we aren't getting back together. but i think this was helpful in the relationship ending peacefully as the initial breakup was very hard and alot of things needed to be said, that weren't. she said she couldn't picture herself with anyone else but me.. it kills me to think about her being with someone else, but right now at this point in my life, and my age, im not ready to settle down with one person. I told her this as well. I will always love her.

[abitbroken]

I really appreciate every single one of your comments. Some of you have made me realize things that I wouldn't have admitted to myself. I was typing in on google something and before I could even start typing a few of the things she had looked up, immediately popped up. .

 

DO you know that Google autofills the rest of your sentence based on popular search terms that possibly no one on the computer has searched for. They make fun of this in a series of Youtube videos- a bunch of celebrities have done them. They type in their name "Does (celebrity name).." and they answer the questions Google suggests as search terms. its completely possible the girlfriend didn't even search all the things you thought...

[Chris12189]

it seems to be things underneath the surface werent as perfect as you said and you used this incident as an excuse to end things before you got hurt. I am glad you got a more peaceful closure and hope your next jump goes smoother