Clearer post from my last 2 threads!

[tamaraxoxo]

In two separate posts I wrote about my bf and I relationship. One was about having no chemistry and the other was about him saying that Im not what he’s used to but he hasn’t given me a clear explanation as to what he meant. I’m not so worried about the “what he’s used to” topic I’m more so interested in knowing what can we do to have a better connection between us. It’s like he comes up with these isssues just to have them and no legitimate reason as to why he have these issues with me when I ask about it. Yes we talk on the phone everyday but to him it’s like our conversations isn’t as exciting as he would like them to be but to me I don’t see what the issue is with that. I think maybe he wants me to constantly tell him when I miss him or when im thinking about him and just talk about feelings all the time. We had a conversation about this but we haven’t gotten anywhere. We have been on about four dates and they’ve all been the same — movie/dinner date. And because of those dates we’ve been on, he no longer bothers to come around me until this issue we have is fixed. I think that’s crazy because in order to at least try to make things better when we’re around each other we have to be around each and not just talk about how we’re going to fix it over the phone. And I think maybe we should try to do something different when we’re around each other because we’ve never been around each other in a more intimate setting. I just want to know do anyone have any bright ideas because apparently the ones I have is good enough for him. I really want this to work because before these problems, I really liked him and thought that he was different and more mature than any other guy I’ve been with.

[Wiseman2]

What "issues" does he want to fix? Unfortunately he isn't trying too hard to see you. Is this a LDR? His level of interest just doesn't seem to match yours. Stop talking to him this much. lay way back and only talk about seeing each other next. If he keeps dodging that, assume he's seeing others or just not interested.

we’ve been dating for about three months. We have been on about four dates and they’ve all been the same — movie/dinner date. And because of those dates we’ve been on, he no longer bothers to come around me until this issue we have is fixed.

[moodindigo91]

It’s like he comes up with these isssues just to have them and no legitimate reason as to why he have these issues with me when I ask about it.

 

I really want this to work because before these problems, I really liked him and thought that he was different and more mature than any other guy I’ve been with.

 

I don't know, but he doesn't sound very mature to me. Why is the onus solely on you to come up with all of the new and exciting ideas to make your relationship better? He has no input other than to say he's bored or unhappy or that your conversations need to be more exciting, then proceeds to do nothing to remedy any of those things?

 

I'm sorry to say this, but it kind of sounds like his interest in you is waning. Usually in the early stages of a relationship, people aren't already complaining about problems like this. If you need to work this hard to make it work with him after only 3 months, could you imagine how much harder you will have to work in 3 years? Wash your hands of this one, seems like a waste of time. You should not have to try this hard to get your boyfriend to like you.

[melancholy123]

He doesnt seem nearly as interested in you as you are in him. What's so special about him that you persist with this?

[DancingFool]

If you are looking for a more mature guy, then this guy is the polar opposite of mature. He sounds completely childish and a bratty one at that.

Also, just 4 dates in and you already have all these issues? Am I reading that right?

Stop wasting your time on him. It's really that simple.

[DanZee]

Yeah, I agree with Wiseman2. I don't think you can fix it. It seems like he's just going through the motions with his dates.

 

But to deal specifically with the phone issue, you said you talked about everything and anything that came to mind over the phone. If you read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," women try to build intimacy by talking about what happened to them that day, how they felt, what they thought, etc. To a guy it sounds like "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

 

I experienced this myself. When my wife and I had separate jobs, I would come home and immediately, sometimes before I even got my coat off, she was telling me about her day. "I got up this morning. And I took a shower. Then I had breakfast. And I checked my e-mail. And I went to the train. And the train was late. And I saw XXXX on the train. And we talked about her cats." (It wasn't this bad, but you get the idea.) Since this happened EVERY morning, it was just torture to hear. I felt like saying, "Just tell me the important stuff!" By working together, all those recitations went away and we both could relax quietly when we got home.

 

The point is that to your boyfriend, you're telling him nothing. Guys don't really bond like that. Men bond by doing things together. Have you noticed that men are always doing something with other guys? They go hunting. They go fishing. They go to a bar. They watch sports. They go to a car show. So a guy taking you on a date is the way guys bond.

 

So I think you have a miscommunications problem. I would say cut down on phone calls and spend more time together, particularly doing things together.

[purplepaisley]

If he's unwilling to see you, that alone is a bust. I agree, you have to spend time together, and talking about what you could be doing isn't resolving anything, and to be honest, it sounds like no matter what change happens, there's always going to be something else. You need to separate yourself from this guy. If he wants you, he'll make efforts to BE with you, in person. I'm assuming this isn't long distance or seeing each other is relatively easy as far as demographics are concerned. If he's far, and it takes an hour-long or more drive for a hum-drum night, I can see him not being to keen on making the treck, but then he should also be dropping this phone call and text relationship as well. He's not into you.

 

If it takes this much work to try to keep a relationship from dissolving after three months, the signs are not good that it's going to last. Leave him alone. Move on. You can keep the door open if he decides to come around, but don't hold any high expectations. Personally, I don't think it's worth it. He doesn't find you interesting enough and doesn't seem to hold you in high esteem, and you're certainly better than that!

[katrina1980]

Like I said in one of your other threads, I don't think spending more time together will fix this.

 

Not to mention, if he wanted to spend more time with you, he would be!

 

He certainly would NOT be telling you the connection or chemistry is lacking. Or something is missing or whatever words he used.

 

I also don't think this a maturity issue either.

 

Hell my high school boyfriend wanted to spend tons of time with me, why?

 

Because he was into me! When a guy is really into you, whether he's 16 or 86, he knows what to do, it's instinctive.

 

What I think is happening OP is that he's just not feeling it. You don't intrigue him, you don't excite him, sorry. :(

 

Oh, he likes you okay, but more as a friend, hence why he's able to talk to you about anything and everything (on the phone).

 

But he's bored silly, he probably feels like your male girlfriend! Which does not great romantic/sexual chemistry make!

 

After only four dates, move on, it's not happening for him.

 

And yeah John Gray --> women need togetherness, men need space.

 

Leave him alone, get busy on your own, STOP discussing your relationship! And stop pushing and trying to "fix" this, it's not your job (it's not his either).

 

It's also probably making things worse and pushing him further away, causing him to feel *less* excited, not more.

 

When two people gel, things happen naturally, organically, please learn this.

 

In your absence, he will either realize his feelings for you, miss you, want to move closer and kick it up, or he won't.

 

But what you're doing now, scrambling around trying to find ways to "fix" this, or develop more chemistry, just stop.

 

It's not serving you well at all, to the contrary, it's making things worse.

[saluk]

I hate to be harsh but I don't think 4 dates in 3 months is really a relationship. Whatever you call it, you are really just getting to know each other. Unfortunately, you are finding out that he wants you to be different then you are. IE, he wants to date someone who is not you. He may seem more mature than any guy you've been with - but guess what, you aren't getting younger, and neither are guys. So it's not like this is your last shot at a mature guy.

 

I agree dinner/movie gets old, especially early on. This guy doesn't seem to want to do more than that, but in your next experience try to do something more active, something that can reveal each others personalities better for early dates. Fun fair, mini-golf, dancing, that sort of thing. Even just walking around a park or city can be engaging, and give you a chance to both talk and interact with each other. And if the dates aren't that exciting... well, you probably aren't compatible.

[katrina1980]

JMO but what I think he meant when he said "you are not what I am used to" (from your previous thread) he meant "his feelings" are not what he's used to.

 

He's "used to" feeling more turned on, more excited. Sexually and otherwise.

 

Four dates in three months, he is NOT feeling that with you.

 

All this chat over the phone - he sees you more as a friend.

 

Perhaps he's not self-aware enough to realize this, so his feelings confuse him as he generally likes you, but he is not excited by you or intrigued, otherwise he would be wanting to see you more than four times in three months!

[j.man]

You keep using terms like "it's like he..." or "I think maybe he..."

 

What are the actual words he's using? Is he telling you he'd rather have deep, emotional conversations over the phone? Or are you assuming so rather than perhaps him quite simply just not being thrilled about shooting the **** on the phone on a daily basis?

[boltnrun]

In your other thread you said you were "talking to" this guy. Now you're calling him your BF.

 

Does he refer to you as his girlfriend?

[LootieTootie]

Keep it simple... He's no longer interested. NEXT!