First Meet: Awkward and don't know what to do...

[MissCanuck]

If you were not yourself, maybe he wasn't either.

 

You were so anxious you had your guard way up. So what if he yawned? Why did you assume that was a reaction to you, and not to a bad night's rest or working a lot? As I am reading it, you didn't even ask. You concluded it was boredom and began to shut down. That is what leads me to believe you did go into this fearing the worst.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. My advice for next time would be to not take everything so personally. You are going to shoot yourself in the foot with that mentality.

[Starlight925]

I'm kind of mad at myself right now, for not taking a more positive approach. I wish I had a do-over.

 

I also wish I could explain to him what was on my mind at the time.

 

Don't beat yourself over this. A guy yawns, looks around while you're talking, and talks about the train. These are all signals that most anyone (me included) would read as less than positive.

 

If you like him, you can send him a text saying hi (maybe you did, and I missed it in this thread). Otherwise, if it were me, I'd move on from this one.

[MissCanuck]

Don't beat yourself over this. A guy yawns, looks around while you're talking, and talks about the train. These are all signals that most anyone (me included) would read as less than positive.

 

If you like him, you can send him a text saying hi (maybe you did, and I missed it in this thread). Otherwise, if it were me, I'd move on from this one.

 

Bu her own account, though, he mentioned the train after she stopped engaging with him and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. I can't really knock him for that; I would looking to wrap it up too if I sensed the other person was upset and not planning to tell me what was up. No point continuing the night.

[milly007]

Oh, milly, I'm not only speaking from personal experience....this has happened to me more times than I can count.

 

I once had such amazing text exchanges that I couldn't wait to meet the guy. Pins. And. Needles.

 

He felt it too, so he said he wanted to take me somewhere really nice, really relaxing. He took me to one of the finest, most expensive restaurants in town, and he wouldn't take no for an answer on that. For first meet!

 

I spent the next 2-3 hours (because it takes that long to finish a meal in a place like that) in utter agony. Same as you: uncomfortable silences, and more....he corrected my grammar a few times, and basically showed what an arrogant human being he was.

 

He then started back up with all the "cutesy" texting, and I finally had to write that I didn't think we were a good match in person. He was shocked, as he thought it was a good match. Um, yeah, 'cause you got to "impress" me with all your worldly knowledge......and then out loud I said (via text, lol) that I wish him the best. That was the last time I let texting get the better of me.

 

Ew, I cringed when I read this. You clearly dodged a bullet with that one. Thank you for sharing, LHGirl.

 

Dating can leave us feeling exasperated.

 

At this point, I'm thinking of joining a nunnery.

 

I actually made a conscious effort to open up to this guy more, too, because I tend to be a guarded person, or tend to come across as guarded (based on what I've been told by men and friends). I'm thinking this may have contributed to the anxiety as well. Since I opened up more and was unapologetically candid more so than normal (and for me, this was a big deal - he clearly wouldn't know this), I expected a bigger and better return on my investment, which didn't happen. Hence the higher level of anxiety, mixed with immediate feelings of rejection.

 

I'll be taking a different approach with texting moving forward.

[milly007]

Bu her own account, though, he mentioned the train after she stopped engaging with him and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. I can't really knock him for that; I would looking to wrap it up too if I sensed the other person was upset and not planning to tell me what was up. No point continuing the night.

 

I agree with this. It was pretty clear to me when and why he brought it up. I don't blame him one bit.

[Starlight925]

Bu her own account, though, he mentioned the train after she stopped engaging with him and wouldn't tell him what was wrong. I can't really knock him for that; I would looking to wrap it up too if I sensed the other person was upset and not planning to tell me what was up. No point continuing the night.

 

Agreed. I think it might have been a combination of Ms. Milly's anxiety and Mr. Texter's silences, that might have led to such mutual discomfort, that it might have been mistaken for disinterest on both sides.

 

Milly, have you heard from him? Or contacted him again?

[milly007]

If you were not yourself, maybe he wasn't either.

 

You were so anxious you had your guard way up. So what if he yawned? Why did you assume that was a reaction to you, and not to a bad night's rest or working a lot? As I am reading it, you didn't even ask. You concluded it was boredom and began to shut down. That is what leads me to believe you did go into this fearing the worst.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. My advice for next time would be to not take everything so personally. You are going to shoot yourself in the foot with that mentality.

 

I agree with this as well. I definitely wasn't myself, and I wonder the same about him. Hence why I've been tempted to message. I may/may not. I just need to give myself some time to absorb what happened. Have my family coming into the city today, and I once I've spent some time with them, I'm hoping I'll end the day with a clearer mind and less brain fog. Just need to fall back and reload. I'm in my head too much right now.

 

And I agree that I went in fearing the worst, which may have set the stage for what transpired (definitely didn't help).

 

I really am working on not taking things so personally. I thought I had been doing pretty well, up until this past Friday when I met him.

[milly007]

Agreed. I think it might have been a combination of Ms. Milly's anxiety and Mr. Texter's silences, that might have led to such mutual discomfort, that it might have been mistaken for disinterest on both sides.

 

Milly, have you heard from him? Or contacted him again?

 

When we said our goodbyes, we hugged said 'nice to meet you' and he said 'have a great weekend'. I thanked him for coming out, we exchanged some flirty smiles and that was about it. Haven't exchanged any messages yet. I doubt I'll hear from him again. After what happened on Friday, I'd be shocked to ever hear from him again.

[katrina1980]

From anxietycentre.com: "Many people yawn when nervous or anxious"

 

milly you completely misinterpreted his yawning and took it personally. Everything went down hill from there.

 

He was nervous too! Hence the yawning and I have experienced that too!

 

So did my long term ex -- we did not meet on line, but nevertheless, the night we first met, he was so nervous he was yawning and I was so nervous I literally could not speak! Like literally. lol

 

The tension between us was so thick you could cut with a knife, but it was also VERY obvious the chemistry/energy between us was in full force!

 

We ended up spending the night together that night and were together six years after that night.

 

I met my now bf on line. Like you, we had a strong on line connection too and when we first met, the nerves and tension were so high -- to alleviate some of that he impulsively kissed me! Definitely helped!

 

IMO, if you're still thinking about him, I think you should consider calling or texting, let him know how anxious and nervous you were, wasn't yourself and apologize for your aloofness.

 

My guess is HE doesn't think YOU are interested!

[Andrina]

I'm wondering why you've stopped limiting yourself to men without children. It's not wrong to do so. When my first marriage ended, I was about to have an empty nest. I refused to date men with small children because I wanted a more regular companionship, and didn't want to date a guy who would have his children every weekend or every other weekend, and some week days. My handful of friends work different hours and have different days off than me much of the time, so it wasn't like I could seek them out for social activities when a bf couldn't get together with me.

 

I was glad I held out for a relationship that worked for me.

 

And this guy. He liked his wife well enough to have sex with her up to 2 years ago. He couldn't make it work? You don't know the reason the marriage ended and when it did. When children are involved, to me, decent people will pull out all of the stops and attend counseling to make it work. I doubt that was done, since his child is only 2 and he's already divorced. That's a red flag to me or at least something to consider before deciding on giving him another shot whether you make the next move or if he reaches out.

 

Have you tried meetups.com? If not, I'd supplement your online dating with that extra type of social activity.

[milly007]

From anxietycentre.com: "Many people yawn when nervous or anxious"

 

milly you completely misinterpreted his yawning and took it personally. Everything went down hill from there.

 

He was nervous too! Hence the yawning and I have experienced that too!

 

So did my long term ex -- we did not meet on line, but nevertheless, the night we first met, he was so nervous he was yawning and I was so nervous I literally could not speak! Like literally. lol

 

The tension between us was so thick you could cut with a knife, but it also obvious the chemistry/energy was sky high!

 

We ended up spending the night together that night and were together six years after that night.

 

I met my now bf on line. Like you, we had a strong on line connection too and when we first met, the nerves and tension were so high -- to alleviate some of that he impulsively kissed me! Definitely helped!

 

IMO, if you're still thinking about him, I think you should condideri calling or texting, let him know how anxious and nervous you were, wasn't yourself and apologize for your aloofness.

 

My guess is HE doesn't think YOU are interested!

 

This is helpful, katrina. I didn't know this about yawning, so thanks for sharing.

 

I agree that I shot myself in the foot, but man...I was trying so hard not to at the time. I was honestly trying to calm myself while it was happening and was thinking "keep it positive...don't take it personally!". Normally I'm good at keeping my cool, but my nerves and anxiety got the best of me. I've never reacted this way before.

 

Normally I'm meeting men who I'm on the fence about, and I'm able to be completely myself. But it was different with him.

 

I may message, but maybe not.

 

If his yawning was anxiety, wow...he played it off really well! He seemed so laid back and honestly came across as Mr. Cool.

[milly007]

I'm wondering why you've stopped limiting yourself to men without children. It's not wrong to do so. When my first marriage ended, I was about to have an empty nest. I refused to date men with small children because I wanted a more regular companionship, and didn't want to date a guy who would have his children every weekend or every other weekend, and some week days. My handful of friends work different hours and have different days off than me much of the time, so it wasn't like I could seek them out for social activities when a bf couldn't get together with me.

 

I was glad I held out for a relationship that worked for me.

 

And this guy. He liked his wife well enough to have sex with her up to 2 years ago. He couldn't make it work? You don't know the reason the marriage ended and when it did. When children are involved, to me, decent people will pull out all of the stops and attend counseling to make it work. I doubt that was done, since his child is only 2 and he's already divorced. That's a red flag to me or at least something to consider before deciding on giving him another shot whether you make the next move or if he reaches out.

 

Have you tried meetups.com? If not, I'd supplement your online dating with that extra type of social activity.

 

You make some good points, Adrina. He is the only guy I've met who has kids (and I told him this). What happened is, we matched on a dating app, but I didn' t know until after we began chatting and I felt the spark that he had kids. As a result of feeling this spark, I wanted to keep an open mind and meet him. I was feeling a strong attraction towards him and didn't want to wonder 'what if' if we didn't meet.

 

Yes, the math in terms of his divorce, the age of his children, etc. has made me wonder as well. I was going to ask him some questions when we met on Friday, but I got sidetracked with my own negative thinking and his seemingly overly confident edge.

[katrina1980]

 

If his yawning was anxiety, wow...he played it off really well!

 

He seemed so laid back and honestly came across as Mr. Cool.

 

I understand this-- he played it off so "cool" to compensate for how nervous and anxious he really was.

 

Fairly common especially with men.

 

He also asked you lots of questions which is an IOI (indication of interest).

 

Why are you being so negative? What are you so afraid of? Which is what I think is happening.

 

It's fear.

[milly007]

I understand this-- he played it off so "cool" to compensate for how nervous and anxious he really was.

 

Fairly common especially with men.

 

Yes, I've never seen this before! Wow. Did he ever play it cool.

[milly007]

You guys are giving great advice here. Thanks so much!

[katrina1980]

Yes, I've never seen this before! Wow. Did he ever play it cool.

 

Please read the update to that post.

[milly007]

I understand this-- he played it off so "cool" to compensate for how nervous and anxious he really was.

 

Fairly common especially with men.

 

He also asked you lots of questions which is an IOI (indication of interest).

 

Why are you being so negative? What are you so afraid of? Which is what I think is happening.

 

It's fear.

 

It is fear. Maybe I'm afraid of being hurt, so I put up this guard/front.

[figureitout23]

I am not so sure I'd write him off just yet, OP. Maybe he really was tired, hence the yawning. You decided the yawns were a shot at you - why is that? He can't be a little tired or nervous too?

 

You then reacted by shutting down, leaving him to carry the bulk of the conversation. He knew you weren't happy, so he called it a night. That seems logical to me. He could tell you didn't want to be there, so why drag it out?

 

In other words, I think you should not have been so quick to jump to the conclusion that he was not interested and being rude. I think it's safe to say you were both nervy and had high expectations, but you were not exactly willing to give him the benefit of the doubt before writing him off altogether.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Yup!

 

It is fear. Maybe I'm afraid of being hurt, so I put up this guard/front.

 

The irony is in your first post you were like normally I'm calm

and collected and I thought, 'why did she say that' I think it was quite clear this is par for the course for you. You 'hurt them before they hurt me' but on a much smaller scale so the first sign of anything negative 'yawning' those defenses went up around you like Fort Knox.

 

I'm going to take a giant leap in assumptions here and say he hasn't message you about a second date and it's causing you to be anxious. Putting your overthinking into hyperdrive hence the post.

 

Something to work on of you want to date successfully.

[mustlovedogs]

I agree with MissCanuck. You stopped showing interest so why should he remain interested?

[milly007]

Yup!

 

 

 

The irony is in your first post you were like normally I'm calm

and collected and I thought, 'why did she say that' I think it was quite clear this is par for the course for you. You 'hurt them before they hurt me' but on a much smaller scale so the first sign of anything negative 'yawning' those defenses went up around you like Fort Knox.

 

I'm going to take a giant leap in assumptions here and say he hasn't message you about a second date and it's causing you to be anxious. Putting your overthinking into hyperdrive hence the post.

 

Something to work on of you want to date successfully.

 

You could be onto something, figureitout. I mentioned my calm and collected manner because normally I'm not THIS nervous. But when it comes to guys I am genuinely interested in, I may go in with more protective armour than if I wasn't interested in them.

 

I wish I handled the situation better, but I just couldn't reign in my emotions, no matter how hard I was trying to at the time. I'm going to try to be more positive moving forward and not so quick to assume.

 

I knew prior to leaving our meet on Friday that I would likely never hear from him again. As I mentioned in a previous post in this thread, I'd be shocked to hear from him.

 

In this instance, I'd have to be the one to reach out to him first, but at this stage, I'm not quite sure if I want to, or if it's even worth it.

 

I'm mainly just frustrated and mad at myself that I couldn't keep it more positive, as I don't feel that Friday was a very good representation of who I normally am. I shut down before he got to know me, and he doesn't know this. Hence why I'm questioning whether to message him or to let sleeping dogs lie. If I had been more myself, the end of the night may have worked out better than the beginning of the night. I just couldn't keep my emotions in check.

[milly007]

I agree with MissCanuck. You stopped showing interest so why should he remain interested?

 

I agree with this and felt this way since Friday. I didn't expect him to show interest after I shut down.

[Jibralta]

I walked in and there he was, cuter than ever, but seemed a bit overly-confident (however, maybe it was just nerves).

 

We made our way to the back of the restaurant, sat down and started chatting. Almost immediately he tried to hid a couple of yawns, which really turned me off. He also wasn't the best listener, as he'd look off to the side and not really seem attentive.

 

I immediately then found myself losing interest and disengaged from the conversation. He definitely picked up on it. What confused me is there were moments where he was then listening intently, smiling and cracking jokes. This back and forth was happening throughout the night, which to me was a total mind****.

 

Meh. Cut him loose.

[purplepaisley]

What really stands out to me is that you state that while he was actively asking you questions, you were distant, unengaged, and staring out the window, to the point he had to ask what you were looking at...and then the yawns kick in. The guy is working full time and raising young children, and that is a LOT of work, and then to have to turn this date into yet another job, forcing communication and rapport...trying to get you engaged and interested...as you stare out the window and and behave as if you wish you were someplace else...yeah, I'd be hitting the early train home too.

 

You mention this guy came across as overly confident...how is this a bad thing? Then he yawned and was not attentive as he looked to the side...at what? I can see this killing the mood, and him continuing to be less than engaged...I would be looking for a clear and defined exit. I also wouldn't be putting a lot of effort into getting to know the guy if half the time his mind is somewhere else and he wasn't interested in me or what I have to say.

 

I can't say either is at fault...or both of you are at fault...a second date, as the firsts can be awkward, is something to explore. It's not like you're obligated to marry the guy tomorrow, so why not? The thing is, he's the father of 4 and 2, and that's a LOT of work, and are you prepared to be a stepmom if this relationship goes well? Are you prepared to deal with the scheduling constraints that occur when dealing with young charges?

[milly007]

What really stands out to me is that you state that while he was actively asking you questions, you were distant, unengaged, and staring out the window, to the point he had to ask what you were looking at...and then the yawns kick in. The guy is working full time and raising young children, and that is a LOT of work, and then to have to turn this date into yet another job, forcing communication and rapport...trying to get you engaged and interested...as you stare out the window and and behave as if you wish you were someplace else...yeah, I'd be hitting the early train home too.

 

You mention this guy came across as overly confident...how is this a bad thing? Then he yawned and was not attentive as he looked to the side...at what? I can see this killing the mood, and him continuing to be less than engaged...I would be looking for a clear and defined exit. I also wouldn't be putting a lot of effort into getting to know the guy if half the time his mind is somewhere else and he wasn't interested in me or what I have to say.

 

I can't say either is at fault...or both of you are at fault...a second date, as the firsts can be awkward, is something to explore. It's not like you're obligated to marry the guy tomorrow, so why not? The thing is, he's the father of 4 and 2, and that's a LOT of work, and are you prepared to be a stepmom if this relationship goes well? Are you prepared to deal with the scheduling constraints that occur when dealing with young charges?

 

Thanks for your point of view, purplepaisley. I do want to correct something, though. I became disengaged after I noticed him yawning and looking off into the distance and not really paying attention while I was talking. He did this as soon as we sat down to chat! So, with all due respect, I think your description of what transpired and how I reacted is not only inaccurate, but harsh. I get that me responding the way I did was not the best reaction, but we all have stress in our lives that we're dealing with. Sure, yeah, he's a dad (which I'm fully aware is a lot of work), with a job and a commute (I actually commended him on Friday for the way he was juggling things and how laid back he seemed), but I'm working through my stress, too (i.e. - a father who's receiving cancer treatment and we're receiving the results of this treatment at the end of the month, a sick brother, and job stress), so clearly I have my stress to work through too. I honestly think anyone would have been offended at how this guy was interacting, or the lack thereof. He knew that I don't schedule dates/meets on Friday with just anyone (since weekends are considered pretty precious for any/all of us to catch a break after a long week). I've never met anyone like this, and man, I hope I never do again.

 

In my opinion, in the beginning stages, when you're getting to know someone, and investing that time to get to know each other, it's a pretty fragile time. Yawning and inattentiveness doesn't exactly leave me with a great first impression when I'm meeting someone for the first time in person. Sure, yeah...I wish I reacted in a more positive way, but when emotions are running high and something like this happens, it really is easier said than done. I've met a lot of guys and no one has ever done this, so I really don't think my reaction is really all that shocking.

 

I should note that it wasn't just that he was over confident, but he was cocky - a trait that I'm not remotely attracted to.

 

I appreciate that you're trying to look at it from both sides though. I never said I was innocent in this situation, that's for sure. Like I've already said a few times in this thread, I wish I handled it differently. I also wish he handled himself differently. We both contributed to the outcome of this date, and it is what it is.

 

At this point, I'm laying low and haven't messaged him. I'm not sure if I ever will.

 

Thanks again for your input though!

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to realize, OP, that it's possible that not every little body language cue is all about you.

 

I have said repeatedly that his yawning could be related to anything. You didn't ask, but you made it about you. Sure, it doesn't look great but instead of asking if he'd been up late or something, you assumed it was bored reaction to you. I don't get that. Why assume the worst? Use your words next time, girl.

 

Anyway, what's done is done. I maintain that in the future, you need to avoid jumping to conclusions, especially with someone you have never met in person and whose personal mannerisms you don't know. At this point, you both seem uninterested in seeing each other again, so it's probably best to let it lie and move along.