First Meet: Awkward and don't know what to do...

[saluk]

While I agree that things could have been perhaps better handled and you made very quick judgements perhaps too quickly, it's also quite possible that the root of the bad date was really a lack of the same attraction in person than either of you had online. I wouldn't overthink things too much here. You went out with a guy who you already knew is off of your list because you connected well online, you didn't connect in person and ended up having a terrible date, and can safely keep him crossed off the list and stick to dating guys without kids who you have a better chance of being compatible with. You'll have to let go of the fantasy... but it won't take too long.

 

If he reaches out to explain himself, or to try and see what was so off about you, maybe you can try one more time or figure things out some more, but otherwise I would let this one go.

[Metaltwin70]

Agree with Saluk. Bottom line is, text/email 'chemistry' simply did not translate into real life for either of you - it very rarely does. You had a crush on an image you've created in your mind, not the real him - same goes for him. If he contacts you asking to see you again you could by all means go and see if date 2 goes better than date 1. Otherwise..next.

[catfeeder]

The idea behind meeting people through online apps is to meet them, not to build fantasies about them through messaging. I'd chalk this up to creating a person in your mind who did not exist beyond playing along with messages, and I'd skip all of that going forward to just set up quick meets early. Whenever there are barriers to that, it says something important. If a person can't find 20 minutes to meet over coffee, then that speaks of the limits he will have going forward.

 

You either want to meet someone who is free to become a lover, or not.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

[milly007]

Thanks all for the feedback. Really appreciate it. I have a few first meets scheduled this week with other guys. I’ll be making a conscious effort not to jump to conclusions and to keep it positive. :) Live and learn.

[beemea]

I think that in the future, just be more sure of yourself going into the first meeting. This will help with the anxiousness that you feel because you are so excited about someone that you hit it off with really well, but always be cautious about the messaging. Everyone has more courage behind their screen and the important part is knowing who they are in real life. If you just remind your self that you are a serious catch and have more confidence in yourself (not oozing a conceited aura on the date, theres a difference) then the conversation will be flowing more nicely than before. Every date is a lesson on what you can work on for the next one; and i also believe that eye contact is important because something as simple as that can display the right amount of confidence to the other person. That could be tricky to perfect, especially if youre super nervous about a guy prior to meeting him, but that comes with time. Just be happy, smile and have confidence in yourself and the rest will come easier :)

[milly007]

I think that in the future, just be more sure of yourself going into the first meeting. This will help with the anxiousness that you feel because you are so excited about someone that you hit it off with really well, but always be cautious about the messaging. Everyone has more courage behind their screen and the important part is knowing who they are in real life. If you just remind your self that you are a serious catch and have more confidence in yourself (not oozing a conceited aura on the date, theres a difference) then the conversation will be flowing more nicely than before. Every date is a lesson on what you can work on for the next one; and i also believe that eye contact is important because something as simple as that can display the right amount of confidence to the other person. That could be tricky to perfect, especially if youre super nervous about a guy prior to meeting him, but that comes with time. Just be happy, smile and have confidence in yourself and the rest will come easier :)

 

Thank you for the positive post, beemea. Good advice!

[maew]

When we said our goodbyes, we hugged said 'nice to meet you' and he said 'have a great weekend'. I thanked him for coming out, we exchanged some flirty smiles and that was about it. Haven't exchanged any messages yet. I doubt I'll hear from him again. After what happened on Friday, I'd be shocked to ever hear from him again.

 

My experience with these things is that if a guy wants to see you again he will make it very clear, either letting you know at the end of the date or a follow up message afterwards. Based on his response it doesn't seem like he is interested in pursuing a second date, but you could take the guesswork out of it and just ask him... what do you have to lose at this point?

[LootieTootie]

I know a lot of people on here said nerves may have played a huge part to this underwhelming first date but I disagree. When it comes to dating in the beginning, go with your gut - will save you lots of time. Which by the way was screaming at you during the date: THIS ISN'T THE GUY I'VE BEEN IDEALIZING IN MY HEAD! WTH?!

 

Very common when people been "dating" online for weeks/months/years and when they meet in person - the chemistry flies out the window!

 

I think it was wrong for you to disconnect during the date but I think you reacted to how you were essentially feeling which was disappointment and hurt. So don't be too hard on yourself about that. I think you need to stop thinking how you played your cards and how he played his cards on your first meet, implying questions that lead to if there's anything redeemable in this. Your gut feeling at the dinner already told you, you and this guy aren't a match.

 

Just listen to your gut feeling but be kind to yourself.

[Batya33]

Here's my take. You got caught up in the typing and talking and fantasy of it. You weren't willing to accept any deviation from that when meeting this stranger (yes, for practical purposes and dating purposes) a stranger - as soon as you saw a minor deviation you were done, the fantasy was over. As you even wrote you're going to miss the texting back and forth. But in person dating is entirely different and requires you to accept how people are in person and that might include yawning, or sometimes not making the best eye contact etc. And one way to accept that better is never to do this build up again and also ask yourself -bluntly -and be honest - do you actually enjoy the build up over text more than actually making a plan to meet in person and using both head and heart? Much much easier to hide behind your phone and fill in the gaps with fantasy. Do you really want to meet a real life person or do you for now just want the thrill of the chase?

 

My first thought was he was exhausted because he is a parent and might not be used to going out later at night anymore because his kids are up early or he has to get them up early for school, etc. Not because non-parents don't get exhausted -I mean specifically at night.

 

If you stop the build up you'll be able to evalute on the first meet whether you want to meet again. And yes body language, eye contact, listening skills, how he treats the wait staff if you go out for drinks -that's all relevant. But you won't be comparing it to your fantasy of the person.

[Annia]

The idea behind meeting people through online apps is to meet them, not to build fantasies about them through messaging. I'd chalk this up to creating a person in your mind who did not exist beyond playing along with messages, and I'd skip all of that going forward to just set up quick meets early. Whenever there are barriers to that, it says something important. If a person can't find 20 minutes to meet over coffee, then that speaks of the limits he will have going forward.

 

You either want to meet someone who is free to become a lover, or not.

 

Head high, we all live and learn.

 

I couldn't agree more with it. I've made the same "mistake" of entertaining long online conversations before meeting and it rarely went on to turn into an actual relationship. We create fantasies in these situations that many times not translate in real life.

 

Take it like a life experience/lesson. Another one more compatible will come along.

[ManyDates]

this happens with on line dating all the time. that's why it's best to try to meet sooner rather than later. all the messaging and even phone calls can't really tell you how you'll react to each other in person.

 

any time i chatted too much either in messages or the phone, it was a big disappointment when we finally met. I attribute this to the brain filling in the little gaps, connecting dots, making the person what we want them to be, not what they truly are.

 

if you felt disappointed by his actions in person, believe that. not your desire for the person you thought he might be.

 

onward and upward! there's plenty of other guys in the world. learn when to fish and when to cut bait.

 

This ^

 

Anyone that has online dated has been burned by it. Once a connection has been made after a few messages set the date and cool your jets until meeting. The other issue is all the chatting and calling before meeting leaves you with literally nothing to talk about when you meet.