Should I cancel the date

[oscuro]

So I swiped and started talking to this guy on a dating app. He asked me out after a few days and I said yes. His pictures on the app made him look real cute. But of course everyone likes to look their best on there.

 

I found his Facebook. I like to make sure people are who they say they are before meeting. Safety and all.

 

His pictures on Facebook were recent and he looks like a real nerd. Not cute to me at all.

 

I don't know if I should cancel the date. My friends keep saying to still go. But I do not want to lead someone on, and have them meet me for nothing.

 

What should I do?

 

HAHAHAHAHHAHA

 

I literally asked the OPPOSITE side of this question a few days ago. A woman agreed to go out with me. I looked her up online. She seems very attractive and I don't believe she actually got a good look at me so I'm debating how to manage that in order to avoid disappointing her.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=552713

[Alex39]

So I think things with this guy, or at least I thought they were going well. I am not too sure now.

 

I went to his place had a great time last Thursday. He kept texting me everyday, usually morning or midday and we would chat all day. We kept on flirting and talking about possible plans for our next time together. Things seemed really positive and he seemed to want to come down to my area and for us to do stuff together.

 

He even was texting me while he was at a concert with his friends. Monday comes and everything seems normal. Monday night we are really getting into talking about our next time together. I then get into planning and ask him when we can see each other again, scheduling, etc...He says he regrets not pinning me down for tonight (Monday night), as he got home earlier than he expected. But he didn't know ahead of time and he wished he did and had planned more.

 

He then alludes that the busy time for him starts now as he warned me and he will try and make some time. The way he put it wasn't bad, and I didn't interpret it as cunning or suspicious as I have with guys in the past. I tell him I am free Friday night. He then says he is unsure about Friday and will have to see if he can move some things around. We continue chatting and he mentions how he will definitely try and work things around and try and make Friday work so he can see me. He tells me he will let me know on Wednesday, after I told him I would like to know a bit in advance so I keep the night free. We go to sleep and things ended fine.

 

Tuesday comes. No text from him all day long. Very unusual, but I chalk it up to him being busy. He technically has two jobs. A regular 9-5. And then he composes music on the side. That is his passion. I think he considers it his job. He does write professional pieces. But to me, that isn't a regular full time job. So sometimes I think he says he is busy, but he is really just composing, but to him its his life. To him it has deadlines and he treats it like a real job. So I decide to reach out myself. Tuesday evening I text him and we are chatting. Everything seems normal. We keep flirting a bit and talking about our potential Friday night date night. He is asking all about me and everything seems fine and he seems interested. I see nothing wrong. Wednesday comes, and again, no message all day. I am now getting a bit weirded out. Wednesday night comes, a night when I told him I had plans with one of my girl friends. I did have the plan. At the very last minute my girl friend called and cancelled.

 

I texted him telling him so and asking if he was available, since our schedules are so tight. I told him it was no big deal, but figured I would ask and I realize it is last minute. He texts me right back, asking about me and making conversation. He says he is unfortunately not free and is on his way out the door. I say okay and tell him to have a good night. He says thanks. Wednesday was the day he was supposed to tell me about Friday. He said nothing of the sort. Maybe he forgot. he's a dude after all, and my brother doesn't know Tuesday from Thursday.

 

I feel weird about things. Are we going to see each other? He says he would like to and we talk all about it. I realize he is busy, but a few hours once a week. He can't make time for that? I have always been with the notion that someone who really wants to see you and cares will make time. I truly don't know why he is so busy.

 

I am done initiating text messages, and I think I have gotten really good at ending them transactionally now. Are we going to make a plan? No? Okay have a good night. And call it a day. Texting is for plans. Enjoying is for in person.

 

I don't know what to think. I don't know if its okay to not see someone in two weeks. It leaves things stagnant. I like seeing someone once a week. Getting to know them more and having human interaction. I like looking forward to seeing them all week. Gets me through my work week easier.

 

I hope I can see him again, bu I truly don't know what is going on with him. Very strange. Some of my friends say I should mention something tomorrow about Friday. Just telling him I would like to know so I can make other plans.

 

But at this point, I think ignoring him may be even better. If he doesn't say anything all day while I am at work, then I will make my own Friday night plans before its too late for me to.

 

Curious what others think of this?

[Wiseman2]

It's interesting that his availability came with very precise and explicit timelines, warning labels and disclaimers. Did his gf come back to town or home from vacation? Or does he use this routinely as an escape loophole if he doesn't get lucky by such and such time or so and so date. After all, he mostly wanted nexflix and chill hangout type stuff.

[Metaltwin70]

OP I'm sorry to say that I feel the bloke's blowing you off. This whole 'I am going to be very busy from then and then on' basically means he is politely telling you that he isn't truly into you, he is dating others and you're not Contender N1. Combined with nothing from him re: your tentative Friday plan and him basically not initiating any kind of contact, I doubt this is going to go anywhere. If a bloke wants to see you, believe me he will find the time. He has a 9 to 5 job and then he writes music.. he doesn't have a couple of hours once a week for a date? No, I don't buy it. He'd find the time if he wanted to see you. I'd stop contacting him and see what else is out there. You don't want this to turn into anther 'work guy' situation where you chase after someone who is at best lukewarm and at worst not interested.

[katrina1980]

Hey amk, sorry to say this but I did pretty much predict this, back on my post 52.

 

I advised you to be careful, be cautious but yet you went ahead full force texting, initiating, essentially pushing.

 

I also predicted he was going to become your next obsession.

 

Please, I implore you to forget this guy before you get in deeper.

 

He is NOT available.

 

It does not matter why, what's important is that he is NOT.

 

As I said in my earlier post, I hesitate to call guys "players" but since reading your update, I believe it's quite possible that he is.

 

Take care of YOU and walk away, not as any sort of strategy to get him interested.

 

Rather because he is simply not available and in my opinion jerking you around.

[Batya33]

Since you asked him out for Wednesday the ball is definitely in his court. Please don't mention Friday again -you're already way way too available by text IMO. His artistic work is his passion it sounds like and if you don't respect/admire what he's doing then he might not be the right person for you. I know people who write on the side -work on a book or write articles, etc - one published her book recently and the other just sent hers to the publisher. One of them also sees clients professionally. If he is an artist then you have to decide whether you're someone who is supportive of the arts, the time it takes, etc. I dated a professional for many years who did theater work (backstage) on the side -and he was really into it, was in a number of groups that were all theater people and he even traveled twice a year to where he went to college to help with theater - it cut into our time together for sure and I really respected and admired what he was doing. He also worked more than full time at his profession.

 

But -this guy - I don't care if he's an artist, working, etc -if he doesn't get back to you at all about your tentative plans Friday I'd be close to writing him off unless he changes his tune ASAP. Pun intended.

[Alex39]

Am I sad? Yes! Pretty bummed. But I do think slowly, but surely I am learning from my old ways.

 

I saw signs, gave benefit of the doubt as a nice person, and am prepared to let it all go, especially after today and nothing from him. Old me would have chased him down and continued trying to get his attention.

 

If he doesn't want to contact me, see me, whatever the reasoning, then it isn't meant to be and he isn't for me.

 

I'm disappointed, but I'll get over it and move on. I deserve more.

[abitbroken]

To him it has deadlines and he treats it like a real job. So I decide to reach out myself.

 

If you don't create deadlines for yourself, how do you make a go of anything?

[Batya33]

Am I sad? Yes! Pretty bummed. But I do think slowly, but surely I am learning from my old ways.

 

I saw signs, gave benefit of the doubt as a nice person, and am prepared to let it all go, especially after today and nothing from him. Old me would have chased him down and continued trying to get his attention.

 

If he doesn't want to contact me, see me, whatever the reasoning, then it isn't meant to be and he isn't for me.

 

I'm disappointed, but I'll get over it and move on. I deserve more.

 

OK so a minor point but to me not minor - don't give him the benefit of a doubt as a "nice person". This is dating and you are dating to find a serious relationship. Give the benefit of the doubt because it works with your values. Period. Not to be "nice" -you barely know him and your purpose in getting to know him is to date him not help him. If you were helping him in some capacity or you felt sorry for him then yes cut slack because you are a "nice" person. Sure - kindness can be part of your values but don't do something that goes against your standards just to be "nice".

[katrina1980]

 

I went to his place had a great time last Thursday. He kept texting me everyday, usually morning or midday and we would chat all day. We kept on flirting and talking about possible plans for our next time together.

 

amk, I am glad you've learned from your previous experiences and will not be chasing this guy.

 

That's definitely progress! lol

 

Not to harp on things, but one more piece of advice that may benefit you going forward.

 

When you first begin dating a man, try to not get so caught up in texting all day, every day. It's way too much, and frankly for me, when a guy lovebombs me like that, I've learned to become very wary of it.

 

I mean I understand being excited and all, but chatting all day, every day? Maintain some boundaries, it will serve you well, I promise!

 

It's way too much and sets up a false intimacy before you've had the proper time to get to know him and evaluate whether or not he's actually the right fit for you (which for all intents and purposes he does not appear to be).

 

Even if he initiates, pace it out, you don't need to be jumping every time he texts and immediately respond.

 

Just food for thought.

 

I am sorry this guy didn't work out (or doesn't appear to be working out), just another lesson learned.

[Honeycomb8]

Also when you meet a guy, stay AWAY from dates at his place or yours for at least 8 dates. Sorry but if you go to his place straight away, it makes a girl look...

 

 

A guy would never appreciate or respect a girl that basically fell on his lap without any effort.

[dias]

 

A guy would never appreciate or respect a girl that basically fell on his lap without any effort.

?????????????????

[Honeycomb8]

She travelled and went to his place for their first date. That isn't exactly the smartest move is it.

[ThatwasThen]

She travelled and went to his place for their first date. That isn't exactly the smartest move is it.

 

It is if all ya want is booty? That way he doesn't know where you live. :)

[Honeycomb8]

^lmfao true that!

[dias]

She travelled and went to his place for their first date. That isn't exactly the smartest move is it.

 

In terms of safety no. In terms of respect it doesn't change a thing

[Honeycomb8]

^ maybe for you it doesn't, but I've talked to a lot of guys and most agree that a girl that is overly eager and doesn't show some sort of restraint generally falls into the fwb category

 

When I mean restraint, I'm talking showing that they have standards, and wouldn't just sleep with anyone. I get the OP didn't sleep with this guy, but she did send the signal thst that was what she was wanting.

[Alex39]

I just want to clarify, I would never ever go to someones home on a first date.

 

I was even unsure about going on the second date. But we actually had a good time and he was very respectful. I qlso made my boundaries very clear ahead of time, to let him know that we were not having sex. And that I like to get to know someone better. He said he felt the same way and it was way too early on for that.

 

He started texting me later yesterday. He said he had plans and was hahging out with one of his friends. We chatted a bit. And he dropped off later in the night. I really wasn't expecting it. But no mention of plans and I didn't bring it up. If he wants to see me, he'll make it known.

[Batya33]

I just want to clarify, I would never ever go to someones home on a first date.

 

I was even unsure about going on the second date. But we actually had a good time and he was very respectful. I qlso made my boundaries very clear ahead of time, to let him know that we were not having sex. And that I like to get to know someone better. He said he felt the same way and it was way too early on for that.

 

He started texting me later yesterday. He said he had plans and was hahging out with one of his friends. We chatted a bit. And he dropped off later in the night. I really wasn't expecting it. But no mention of plans and I didn't bring it up. If he wants to see me, he'll make it known.

 

You went on your first official date -you had only met him once before -no common friends even, etc. So IMO not safe. Please stop texting with him unless you have a time/place confirmed. Text him back if he texts again "I'm enjoying our conversation and when you have time to make a plan let me know -look forward to catching up in person - things are busy for me so I'd rather not text back and forth. Enjoy!"

[Alex39]

Yes, he was texting me today. He said all his plans were up in the air and he was trying to coordinate things and he put a smirk face to me.

 

Thought things seemed promising for plans for the weekend. Haven't heard from him on anything. I've still been ending it as you said, sayinh, well hopefully you can work around things and you can let me know.

[Metaltwin70]

'He said all his plans were up in the air and he was trying to coordinate things and he put a smirk face to me' = 'I'm dating a few others and you're not a front-runner but I don't know how to politely get you to step back and not expect much'. If you were really truly seriously into a man would you text him something like this, no matter how busy? No. You would find the time. Sorry OP....

[figureitout23]

'He said all his plans were up in the air and he was trying to coordinate things and he put a smirk face to me' = 'I'm dating a few others and you're not a front-runner but I don't know how to politely get you to step back and not expect much'. If you were really truly seriously into a man would you text him something like this, no matter how busy? No. You would find the time. Sorry OP....

 

this is actually a good point