Should I cancel the date

[katrina1980]

amk, I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say this, but you come off as very naive and innocent.

 

A certain amount of innocence can be endearing, most men see that as cute and adorable (which they've told you, including THIS guy), BUT you also need to be smart and have a thick skin!

 

And you need to be able to detect BS, and not tolerate it!

 

JMO but this guy is feeding you a ton of BS, he KNOWS he makes you nervous, he can smell it, it's oozing out of your pores, and he's gonna take advantage of that (or try to) IF you are not careful! And smarter!

 

If you don't, you will continue to be perfect "prey" for guys like him (and "work" guy) and you will get "eaten alive."

 

I'm not saying to be distrustful of every guy you meet/date and certainly retain your cute and adorable nature, just don't be so easily taken in by "charm," good looks, and a few compliments. And of course all the attention.

 

Learn how to read people (men), judge character and again tweak your BS meter.

 

It doesn't even sound like you have BS meter, please get one!

 

Otherwise again, you will get eaten up, dating is fun but it really is a jungle out there too!

 

Have fun and good luck!

[katrina1980]

I would also suggest you NOT agree to go back to a guy's apartment on the first or second date!

 

Not sure what you were thinking there, but you were very lucky this time.

 

I am actually beginning to get afraid for you!

 

I can't harp on this enough, but be careful!!

 

I don't want to go into what happened to me when I wasn't, but it wasn't pretty - it was quite devastating actually.

 

ETA: I am very curious what others think, like I said perhaps I am a bit jaded but something sounds very off to me, specifically him telling you he will be so "busy" for the entire month of August, including weekends.

 

I hope I am wrong!!

[katrina1980]

And course he's also unavailable *this* weekend and hasn't asked you out again.

 

But yet told you "we need to make the most of our time together cause I will be unavailable the month of August"?

 

Yeah sorry something's not jiving, hope I'm wrong.

[dias]

amkxoxo, please be careful with this guy.

 

Call me cynical or jaded but I have quite a bit of experience and this is how I would interpret his comments:

 

1. We have to make the most of our time together, because the month of August I will be sooo busy.

 

Translation: Let's have sex, the sooner the better!

 

2. I have a ton of work projects and will have to put in extra hours as well as a bunch of pre-planned obligations that will keep me busy on the weekends.

 

Translation: He is warning you in advance that after sex (or even if you don't have sex) he won't be around so don't have any expectations about wanting to spend time with him or having a "relationship" with him.

 

I hesitate to call guys "players" but I will this time cause something sounds VERY off.

 

You make it sound like a conspiracy. Why everything needs to have a second insidious meaning?

 

Don't make it like it's the end of the world. Gratuitous drama.

[katrina1980]

You make it sound like a conspiracy. Why everything needs to have a second insidious meaning?

 

Don't make it like it's the end of the world. Gratuitous drama.

 

Lol, maybe it was the mood I was in last night but putting myself in her shoes, it all sounds a bit shady to me. And I was simply asking her to be careful.

 

If you were familiar with OP's history of being drawn to unavailable guys, you might understand why I did.

 

But okay gratuitious drama, possibly, I'll own that. And hope that's all it was!

 

And that my perceptions are incorrect.

 

In any event, I think suggesting she not go back to his place (or any man's place) on the first or second date, or in this case the entire second date was at his, was sound advice.

 

He's a virtual stranger, it's just not smart, or safe.

 

But if you believe I was being "gratuitous" with that advice too, that's fine, your preogative.

[dias]

Lol, maybe it was the mood I was in last night but putting myself in her shoes, it all sounds a bit shady to me. And I was simply asking her to be careful.

 

If you were familiar with OP's history of being drawn to unavailable guys, you might understand why I did.

 

But okay gratuitious drama, possibly, I'll own that. And hope that's all it was!

 

And that my perceptions are incorrect.

 

In any event, I think suggesting she not go back to his place (or any man's place) on the first or second date, or in this case the entire second date was at his, was sound advice.

 

He's a virtual stranger, it's just not smart, or safe.

 

But if you believe I was being "gratuitous" with that advice too, that's fine, your preogative.

It’s not the safety issue I was referring to. OP is an adult, she should know what is safe or not.

 

What I don’t understand is how you came to the conclusion that the guy is pressuring her for sex. I mean, ok there are guys who devise plans to get laid but they are the minority. Personally, I wouldn’t go to such great lengths only for some (unknown quality) sex. Maybe I am naive lol

[Batya33]

I would take the wait and see approach and it's interesting that the person you're most interested behaved in the most unusual way -not good or bad, just is. I would stop texting every day especially since he says that he will be very busy next month -just in case it means he won't be seeing you in person then texting with this new person will make you too attached, and this is based on what you've posted in the past. I too would not have gone to his place the second time meeting him in person and drank wine as well - too risky. For next month if he cannot see you about once a week then tell him that you understand he's busy, that you of course also have a lot going on and that it will be great to keep in touch in person and you're fine making plans over text.

[katrina1980]

It’s not the safety issue I was referring to. OP is an adult, she should know what is safe or not.

 

What I don’t understand is how you came to the conclusion that the guy is pressuring her for sex. I mean, ok there are guys who devise plans to get laid but they are the minority. Personally, I wouldn’t go to such great lengths only for some (unknown quality) sex. Maybe I am naive lol

 

Where did I ever say I thought he was pressuring her for sex?!

 

Nothing I wrote even implied I thought he was "pressuring" her for sex.

 

I was simply interpreting his "we need to make the most of our time together because I am so busy for the next MONTH" comment.

 

This was their second date, he is not her long time boyfriend. And I thought it was an odd thing to say on a second date, that's all.

 

And why do you think he invited her over for their second date, to play scrabble?

 

He had wine, rubbing her feet, of course he was *hoping* for sex. I am not even judging him for that necessarily, again I just thought his comment was a bit shady.

 

I am glad OP maintained her boundaries and he was respectful!

 

That said, I am acknowledging that I could be wrong about all this, perhaps it's all legit and he really is *busy* for the next month. And his goal for inviting her over was to get to know her. A stretch but possible.

 

I still think she should be careful, not get too caught up in all the texting, and keep her emotions in check, until they spend more time together and develop some trust.

 

Good luck amk please keep us posted!

[purplepaisley]

I'm going to go against the grain of the previous posts. I'm going to presume that this guy is interested enough in the OP he wants to be clear that he is about to enter a very busy season in his job, and this is going to cause issues with communication and possibly time to see each other. I don't know the industry of which he works and if this becomes a 24/7 endeavor for a month out of the year. In my own industry, September is going to start to get busy...really busy, and it will eat up time, and people just get tired as they try to keep up with their normal life responsibilities along side of the added work responsibilities. In my industry, we have fluctuations of busy...March is very busy and April in the aftermath. September gets busy, October is a ball of crazy-making, and November are busy. I think it's reasonable to forewarn a new dating partner the future circumstances so they aren't blindsided by a change in availability or a change to the status quo.

 

I also agree with the warnings exhibited. Be cautious. Katrina is one of my favorites here, and she has a good head on her shoulders, so do heed her words...we could be dealing with a player here.

 

But I absolutely appreciate the "heads up" when someone works an industry where there are periods of insanity, and I would forewarn the same way...and this is precisely the reason I won't actively date using the dating app during these periods of time....the time isn't there. If some guy fell into my lap today, with my life feeling unraveled? I would have no choice but to either not date or let him know my circumstances...I can't dedicate the time...but if you're patient and can wait...U-pick. He can believe me or not.

 

I guess my only advice is to be cautious. Again, I appreciate that if his industry has these insane, busy periods, the forewarning is an act of caring...I'm here, but it's going to be crazy...but this could be a red-flag as well; easy sex when the wind blows in the OP's direction. There are always questionable motives when suddenly life is "so busy," so I absolutely appreciate the words of warning...and it could be that it's just a natural busy period for his industry, and it will let up...question if you want to dedicate the time on waiting, and be prepared to walk away if this "busy" doesn't end...excuses. Don't get too attached and see where it goes. Don't sleep with him.

[Alex39]

Thank you all for responding. Katrina, your feelings are exactly what my fears have been inside. I truly was thinking similar to you. So I am not that naive. I just sometimes get too attached and then ignore my feelings. I know I need to be smarter.

 

Not sure of his motives. If he never made the busy comment, I would have been less weirded out by things. In my past experiences, someone pre-warning you that they are going to be busy is already setting you up to have lower expectations of them. Something I do not want to lower for myself.

 

We had a nice time and that was it. I think I am going to suggest we do dinner or something next time. See how he reacts.

 

I also get purple paisley's point of view. Maybe he was just warning he ahead of time. He was at work and said he was looking through his calendar when he sent me the message about August, so maybe it was just him noticing. But to me, the way he worded it that we have to make the most of our time, alludes sex. I made it very clear I was not down for that. And we flirt a lot and such and their is sexual tension, but I told him I am not in a rush and want to take things at a natural pace with someone. I said it a few times. If he was just after sex, I would presume he would have faded away by now. He has not. But that also doesn't mean he isn't trying to get something from me.

 

One other thing that I find weird. Reminds me of my ex. So getting major deja vu. Last weekend I was away visiting some family. He wanted to see me friday night but I told him my family comes first. He then was away Saturday and Sunday out of town visiting friends. No big deal. But he stopped responding to me Friday night and didn't connect with me again until Monday.

 

This weekend, he has plans for his friends to come to him and they are going to a concert. He stopped responding to me last night, friday again, and I guarantee I will not hear from him until Monday.

 

Very odd. I still have my phone on me everywhere I go and can respond when I want to. He can too. I try to give some space. I know things are more chaotic and busy when friends are around. I get it. But he goes MIA for days and then reappears. My ex did he same thing when we were in college and I hated it.

 

One thing I think that is good, is that we don't text a lot having conversation. We flirt and such, but we mostly just talk and flirt about plans we are making or seeing each other. We aren't having in depth conversations about life. We do that in person. Not a totally bad thing. We have mostly been just making plans through texting and talking about them days before and how excited we are and joking about things that could go wrong etc..

[katrina1980]

amk, my apologies I wasn't giving you enough credit.

 

You are being very smart here, and quite perceptive as well.

 

I agree it's quite strange he texts you every day, mon-fri, but drops off the radar on weekends.

 

But I don't want to jump to any conclusions, just continue to pay attention, focus on actions and let this play out.

 

Follow your intuition and don't become blinded by your emotions.

 

If you do that, you'll get your answer soon enough re what his true motives are.

 

But on it's face I agree, when a man announces very early on (in your case on second date) about how busy he will be with all his *pre-planned obligations* for the next month and won't be available including weekends, he is warning you to lower your expectations.

 

I dunno, could it be possible he has a girlfriend who lives out of town, who he only sees on the weekends?

 

Just something to consider cause again I think it's odd.

 

But play it out, as Batya said take a wait and see approach.

 

That's all you can do really. I hope this all works out for you cause it sounds like you really like him!

[figureitout23]

I wouldn't have my defenses so high up that I don't let anyone in.

 

This site can cause us to be a bit overly cautious at times.

 

I've started to dip my toes into the water too and I can see the good and bad of the advice on this site

 

I was chatting with a guy, pretty good convo nothing weird after the second day of chatting, he messages me at 9:30 and says 'hey can you hang out tonight, going out with some friends' and my immediate thought was RED FLAG so I declined and wrote him off.

 

I went out to dinner the following night with a couple of friends, males included and I showed them the message and I was like can you believe that guy? Again, completely convinced that all he wanted was sex, because that's what we preach here and, all my friends gave me a lecture about letting my walls down and the impression they got was that he probably thought I would want to meet in a more casual setting. I thought about it, so I unblocked him and he ended up asking me out again for a more 'normal' date. I haven't gone yet, but my reaction was extreme in retrospect, your track record isn't that great, we all know that but i don't think the pendulum should swing completely in the other direction. Dating does have some risk.

 

These are POTENTIAL red flags. Just like the guy asking me out at 9:30. My guards up, but it would be silly to completely wash my hands of him based on the fact that I'm not a mind reader. I took his comments to mean, he's either setting you up for an easy lay or he actually likes you and wants to prepare you for a busy schedule.

 

Not saying this isn't a potential red flag, just saying, I wouldn't write him off completely. You don't have enough puzzle pieces yet.

 

Plus we as posters don't truly know how your mind works xoxo, we don't get front row seats to your dates we get a secondhand account. Did he say it a lot or was tha your impression? Did he say it passingly and you latched onto it? I can't say for sure simply based on your past. I mean no offense, maybe you should have taken a break and work on your self esteem so it doesn't affect your dating life, but you're choosing to jump right in, so it's a bit more work to make sure you are looking through a clear lens.

[figureitout23]

In response to your last post Kat.

 

I find it so interesting him many posters deal with men or women dating for a couple of weeks and the person goes on vacation. Like who are all these people who are constantly jet setting? And why did you choose to start dating someone a week before you leave for a month? Makes me think that's the new 'thing' to get out of dating someone, 'Go out of town' then bounce.

 

I don't know, it's just too much of a coincidence how often it happens!

[Alex39]

Katrina, I think maybe I was wrong about him disappearing on the weekend. He is out with his friends right now and he is texting me.

 

Sometimes I do think my walls are up. These people you meet online are strangers. And I have had just so many bad guys on there who only want one thing. Lazy guys who are in it to win it and then take off. Even most recently my girl friend dated a guy from online. He was treating her like gold. They got into a relationship quickly. She was so happy. 5 months in he dumps her out of the blue. He got sex for a few months and then bailed. I'm terrified of that being me. I get attached to people and I care. I don't want to get hurt.

 

This guy did nicely text me all about me though, which I love. He never makes it about him. I like that.

[abitbroken]

Karina, I think maybe I was wrong about him disappearing on weekend. He is out with his friends right now and he is texting me.

 

Sometimes I do think my walls are up. These people you meet online are strangers. And I have had just so many bad guys on there who only want one thing. Lazy guys who are in it to win it and then take off. Even most recently my girl friend dated a guy from online. He was treating her like gold. They got into a relationship quickly. She was so happy. 5 months in he dumps her out of the blue. He got sex for a few months and then bailed. I'm terrified of that being me. I get attached to people and I care. I don't want to get hurt.

 

This guy did nicely text me all about me though, which I love. He never makes it about him. I like that.

 

Why not stop meeting so many guys as once and just go back to one at a time -- decide if you want a second or third date with him or a fourth so you are not comparing men to eachother or its not a "competition" of who texts more than the next one. Then throw him back into the sea if there is a dealbreaker (like the vaping guy) or something like that -- and go on however many dates until you decide to toss him back -- or go on more.

[katrina1980]

In response to your last post Kat.

 

I find it so interesting him many posters deal with men or women dating for a couple of weeks and the person goes on vacation. Like who are all these people who are constantly jet setting? And why did you choose to start dating someone a week before you leave for a month? Makes me think that's the new 'thing' to get out of dating someone, 'Go out of town' then bounce.

 

I don't know, it's just too much of a coincidence how often it happens!

 

"Makes me think this is the new "thing" to get out of dating someone, "go out of town, then bounce."

 

Don't get me started on that FIO, I am trying to stay positive here, for amk's sake!

 

But yeah I hear ya which is why I said on bee's thread that I thought her guy might have had an agenda all along, he knew from the get-go he would be gone for two weeks, and their "relationship" would have a "ready-made" expiration date, avoiding all the usual drama.

 

But who knows really, but yeah I find it weird too.

 

I've had guys tell me same thing. It was uncanny how many actually.

 

My first thought was always, if you're leaving town for an extended period, or won't be available to date for an entire month (or longer), then why are you on the app looking to date?

 

Even when I met them in real life they would say this. And it was typically followed by them pushing for sex. I took a pass.

 

I don't know, in some cases it could be legit but I never trusted it.

 

I am glad to hear you are back out there dating!

 

My only advice (for OP too) is try to stay positive and judge each guy and each experience independent of each other - and independent of what you read on this and other forums!

 

Good luck!!

[dias]

I was chatting with a guy, pretty good convo nothing weird after the second day of chatting, he messages me at 9:30 and says 'hey can you hang out tonight, going out with some friends' and my immediate thought was RED FLAG so I declined and wrote him off.

You understand that this thinking is wrong, right? How can you possibly know if he wants just sex? I presume you expected to chat more days before he asked you out. If he waited let's say, he wouldn't want just sex? There is no logic here. In any case, as you stated you can't read minds. Don't rush to judge situations and people. What's the worst scenario? Spending a couple of hours with a stranger. Big deal.

 

Just so you know, having this mentality could be used against you from a "player". Players do just that, do the "right" thing.

[katrina1980]

If only men could be a woman for like one minute! lol, and experience what we experience, they might have a better understanding of why we feel as we do, remaining cautious until full trust is developed.

 

No doubt they think/would say same about us!

 

That *we* need to experience what "they" experience to get a better understanding of what they go through .

 

It's all such a game, I am so glad I am not playing anymore!!

[Batya33]

You understand that this thinking is wrong, right? How can you possibly know if he wants just sex? I presume you expected to chat more days before he asked you out. If he waited let's say, he wouldn't want just sex? There is no logic here. In any case, as you stated you can't read minds. Don't rush to judge situations and people. What's the worst scenario? Spending a couple of hours with a stranger. Big deal.

 

Just so you know, having this mentality could be used against you from a "player". Players do just that, do the "right" thing.

 

In those cases I always said no. I didn't meet someone new last minute and especially not late at night. I wanted to be with someone who wanted to put in the effort to make an advance plan, with rare exception (like he got tickets at the last minute to an awesome concert, or similar).

[figureitout23]

You understand that this thinking is wrong, right? How can you possibly know if he wants just sex? I presume you expected to chat more days before he asked you out. If he waited let's say, he wouldn't want just sex? There is no logic here. In any case, as you stated you can't read minds. Don't rush to judge situations and people. What's the worst scenario? Spending a couple of hours with a stranger. Big deal.

 

Just so you know, having this mentality could be used against you from a "player". Players do just that, do the "right" thing.

 

What? Im so confused so let me clarify. I wasnt put off by how 'fast' he asked me out. I prefer to exchange numbers and plan dates within a day or two of chatting, it was the time of night - 9:30 pm.

 

Slow your roll dias.

[figureitout23]

"Makes me think this is the new "thing" to get out of dating someone, "go out of town, then bounce."

 

Don't get me started on that FIO, I am trying to stay positive here, for amk's sake!

 

But yeah I hear ya which is why I said on bee's thread that I thought her guy might have had an agenda all along, he knew from the get-go he would be gone for two weeks, and their "relationship" would have a "ready-made" expiration date, avoiding all the usual drama.

 

But who knows really, but yeah I find it weird too.

 

I've had guys tell me same thing. It was uncanny how many actually.

 

My first thought was always, if you're leaving town for an extended period, or won't be available to date for an entire month (or longer), then why are you on the app looking to date?

 

Even when I met them in real life they would say this. And it was typically followed by them pushing for sex. I took a pass.

 

I don't know, in some cases it could be legit but I never trusted it.

 

I am glad to hear you are back out there dating!

 

My only advice (for OP too) is try to stay positive and judge each guy and each experience independent of each other - and independent of what you read on this and other forums!

 

Good luck!!

 

It is a head scratcher! There was a guy who 'apparently' lives states away (Im talking 1000+ miles) but popped up in my inbox, his profile said " I live in X but I will be relocating to X soon " so I responded, "hit me up when you get here" and he came back with " aww, we can talk and be friends now..." NEXT! Lol. I forgot how entertaining this can be.

 

 

Not to derail xoxo, but thanks! Im chatting with a few guys. Haven't met any yet, first date, in a while, tonight and I'm a good mixture of nervous and excited.

 

I agree with your advice and Im trying to have the same attitude. I wont lie there is a front runner already ( its not late night guy) but until we meet, Im just going with the flow.

[Alex39]

Good luck tonight on your date. Just be yourself and stick to your standards. We all have your back.

[dias]

What? Im so confused so let me clarify. I wasnt put off by how 'fast' he asked me out. I prefer to exchange numbers and plan dates within a day or two of chatting, it was the time of night - 9:30 pm.

 

Slow your roll dias.

My mistake. It never crossed my mind that 9:30pm indicates something. Dunno. Everyone is different.

[figureitout23]

My mistake. It never crossed my mind that 9:30pm indicates something. Dunno. Everyone is different.

 

Understood.

[abitbroken]

If the guy doesn’t get contacts he will be single at 50. Women do not like the nerd look at all.

 

Excuse me? Lots of hipsters wear glasses and have no trouble getting lots of dates.