Should I cancel the date

[katrina1980]

Agree with all of these. I think I originally thought dating would do you good but honey you're gonna end up finding a guy who's going to abuse you and you will stay because you will think its love. If you cant afford a therapist at the very least read some self help books.

 

This can be fixed, its going to take some work on your part though.

 

I recall her telling us way back when that she was in an abusive RL for many years.

 

Which she blames for her issues, when in reality, she has always had these issues which draws her to men who are abusive.

 

And sadly until she resolves, the possibility of that happening again is tenfold.

[Wiseman2]

Why not work on whatever you feel uncomfortable with about yourself? Have you considered seeing an MD who can help you with your weight and a dermatologist who can help with your skin? Also get to a hair place for a new haircut and invest in some clothes to update your look. That may help your confidence and dating life. It may help you stop hiding in a fantasy and using preemptive rejection as a counter-maneuver and defense.

I still like work guy so much. I've been struggling with weight, my skin, my appearance

[catfeeder]

Why would you set up a full date with anyone you haven't met yet? Do quick coffee meets to check people out first. Meet people as you grab a cup on the way home from work. If anyone stands you up, just take your coffee with you.

 

Rules are that neither can ask for a real date on the spot, but either can send an invite afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, then no response is necessary.

 

If you're going to mess around with dating apps, be smart about it. Don't build e-fantasies, just meet for 15 minutes and keep nexting until you strike simpatico with someone.

[Metaltwin70]

OP,

 

I've read your previous threads re: work guy.

 

I disagree with just about everyone else on this thread re: what's going on here and what you do or don't need to do.

 

This is my honest option based on what you've posted so far.

 

Sometimes, in life, it really is as simple as 'you have not yet found yourself in the right place at the right time'. It is not about going to therapists and trying to make yourself into what you are not. It is not about self-esteem or lack thereof. It is not about wanting what you can't have. You've simply yet to meet the man who will fall just as madly for you as you do for him - and who will want you to be his life partner just as much as you do him. Work guy is sadly not this man, and never will be. You are 25, correct? So young. Your entire life's still ahead of you. It will happen.

 

It took me until I was 33 to find myself in the right place at the right time; husband and I have been together for 14+ years now. I've always all my life known exactly what kind of man would be 'IT' for me, looks and personality wise and this was non-negotiable - heart wants what it wants and that's that. It just wouldn't work, no matter what I did. I'd be mad about a bloke and he would be infatuated for a few months then distance himself then disappear. Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. I had a 'work guy' story too - he wasn't someone I worked with, he was someone I was nuts about to the point of obsession - could not comprehend how he could possibly NOT want me.

 

I didn't want a man who didn't want me. I didn't need a stranger with a degree to tell me what was wrong with me either. My husband fell in love with me and still adores me all these years later despite my myriad imperfections and issues. And so did I.. still do, always will. He was and is about three million miles away from any resemblance of 'perfect'. Yet he was/is perfect FOR ME. And I was/am perfect for him. Many call it co-dependency. I call it love and 100% compatibility.

 

I just kept dating and hoping for the stars to align one day and they did. IMHO it's often as simple as that.

 

Re: this date - go.. or don't. Not a big deal. You might like the man better in person, you might not, who knows. What you need to do is what you are doing - keep dating. Keep going on dates. When you finally meet YOUR man work guy will become a distant memory. Some of us were not meant to be happy alone.. I get a feeling this is what you and me have in common. I wish you all the best.

[abitbroken]

OP,

 

I've read your previous threads re: work guy.

 

I disagree with just about everyone else on this thread re: what's going on here and what you do or don't need to do.

 

This is my honest option based on what you've posted so far.

 

Sometimes, in life, it really is as simple as 'you have not yet found yourself in the right place at the right time'. It is not about going to therapists and trying to make yourself into what you are not. It is not about self-esteem or lack thereof. It is not about wanting what you can't have. You've simply yet to meet the man who will fall just as madly for you as you do for him - and who will want you to be his life partner just as much as you do him. Work guy is sadly not this man, and never will be. You are 25, correct? So young. Your entire life's still ahead of you. It will happen.

 

It took me until I was 33 to find myself in the right place at the right time; husband and I have been together for 14+ years now. I've always all my life known exactly what kind of man would be 'IT' for me, looks and personality wise and this was non-negotiable - heart wants what it wants and that's that. It just wouldn't work, no matter what I did. I'd be mad about a bloke and he would be infatuated for a few months then distance himself then disappear. Heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak. I had a 'work guy' story too - he wasn't someone I worked with, he was someone I was nuts about to the point of obsession - could not comprehend how he could possibly NOT want me.

 

I didn't want a man who didn't want me. I didn't need a stranger with a degree to tell me what was wrong with me either. My husband fell in love with me and still adores me all these years later despite my myriad imperfections and issues. And so did I.. still do, always will. He was and is about three million miles away from any resemblance of 'perfect'. Yet he was/is perfect FOR ME. And I was/am perfect for him. Many call it co-dependency. I call it love and 100% compatibility.

 

I just kept dating and hoping for the stars to align one day and they did. IMHO it's often as simple as that.

 

Re: this date - go.. or don't. Not a big deal. You might like the man better in person, you might not, who knows. What you need to do is what you are doing - keep dating. Keep going on dates. When you finally meet YOUR man work guy will become a distant memory. Some of us were not meant to be happy alone.. I get a feeling this is what you and me have in common. I wish you all the best.

 

When you have been through an abusive relationship your "radar" is off and your sense of "right time" is way off. Believe me, i was in an actual verbally, emotionally, economically and spiritually and physically abusive relationship - what 'felt right' to me after that was NOT healthy or right until it was a combination of time, support groups, counseling, and "wanting to get through it". the OP is not self aware enough at this point to realize that she choose men who are unavailable or have very poor boundaries. "What the heart accepts for itself" is very messed up for awhile.

 

As far as "not meant to be alone" you have to be happy being alone first so that you don't desperately jump for a man who says sweet nothings and kisses you in a hallway but doesn't want to date you.

[RKO]

This is probably one of the biggest things that grinds my gears. Peoples photos on dating apps.

 

OP, imo you’ve done the right thing by finding their Facebook. I’ve lost count the amount of times I’ve matched with someone on tinder etc only to find them on Facebook and realise how heavily edited their pictures are.

 

If it’s his looks that make him not attractive to you then by all means don’t go on a date. I wouldn’t if I didn’t find someone’s attractive, yes it might be shallow but when it comes to online dating looks are the main thing initially. Of course it’s different in reality you could meet someone, get to know them and fancy their personality etc but imo OD is a whole different ball game.

 

If it’s the things he’s into that put you off then don’t cancel, social media doesn’t portray everything. Have a date.

[catfeeder]

It is not about going to therapists and trying to make yourself into what you are not.

 

That's not what therapy is for. Some people can grow into themselves without professional help, while others can use the guidance of someone who has trained for years to help people through difficult stages of their lives.

 

I'm all for what 'works'. I won't knock another's suggestion to invest in self development, regardless of the method, and regardless of whether I've privately found such a thing to have been especially helpful for me. We don't diagnose people on here, so it makes no sense to talk anyone out of getting a professional assessment and help.

[figureitout23]

Hmmm, well OPer, you can follow Ms. 6 posts who owns up to being in a codependent relationship and continue to date until you end up in another abusive relationship.

 

OR you can take the time to learn who you are, what makes you tick, and what you want and take that strength and enter the dating world with guns blazing and find your match.

 

Your choice.

[Alex39]

I waited and pondered so much before the date that I felt it was too late to cancel. I figured I should go. I have no expectations and just meet someone new.

 

When I arrived, he wasn't as bad as I thought. Dressed nice, had a nerdy air about him, but was way cuter than expected. We grabbed dinner. Talked. We had a good time, I think.

 

All throughout the meal I couldn't gauge him. I thought maybe he wasn't into me.

 

Then the check came. I offered to split. I always do to be courteous. He said okay and we split it half and half. I didn't mind, but did think it was a bit weird for a first date. But I went with it. He then suggested we take a walk. We found this great path and had a nice time talking and such.

 

What I didn't like is that he vapes. When outside, he pulled out his vape. He asked me if I was okay with it. I said I didn't care that he did it outside, but in general I hate anything of the smoking variety.

 

He put it away when we got back to the parking lot. We kept chatting away. He was asking abiut my schedule and wanted to see me again.

 

We were leaned up against his car. He suddenly pulls me towards him for a hug and he nuzzled his face in my hair. I was a bit shocked, but it wasn't bad. He said he wanted to hug me and smell my hair.

 

He then went in for a kiss. Nothing major.

 

I was a bit shocked again. This was a first date. He pecked me here and there as we spoke for a while longer.

 

Overall I had a good time. I have some reservations. The kiss and splitting the tab was unique.

 

I also thought it was strange that we were going over date ideas fir next time and I mention bowling or mini golf and he suggests a walk.

 

I am seeing him again tomorrow night. He remembers what I say which is a plus. He asked me how my best friends birthday was yesterday, something I had mentioned celebrating.

 

Then I went on another day yesterday. Ironically it is a guy I went out with last year. We went out, had a good time, but he made me pay for my beer which was only a few bucks. Wasn't a big deal, but it was sort of cheap. My friends and I called him the cheap beer guy.

 

Ironically one of my girl friends just started dating his friend. She mentioned to beer guy that she had a cute single friend and she re-connected us. He said he owed me a beer.

 

He took me to a winery, we drank laughed and had lots of fun. He brought all smacks for us to have. It was nice. We then went and saw a movie.

 

I am seeing him again in two days.

 

I then also have a first date tonight with someone new from online.

 

Now I am feeling quite weird because my girl friend is saying how I am leading men on and should choose and focus on just one. I don't agree. She promised me she wouldn't tell her boyfriend, because he'll tellhis best friend who I went out with yesterday.

 

I liked the guy and don't want to hurt him. It was only one date though. I'm nervous my girl friend is going to spill her guts. She always does. I just don't think I need to choose this early on when I barely know the guys.

[abitbroken]

you asked to split the tab, not him. And he let you. This isn't "unique" - its a man that learned not to argue over the check. Its actually a decent strategy.

 

I think you need to be honest on dates - if you hate smoking, vaping, anything that has to do with it, instead of saying passively "i am fine with it, as long as it is outside" - be upfront -- "actually...I don't like smoking or vaping. would you mind not doing it on our date?" If a guy HAS to interrupt a date for vaping its not just recreational. If he says "okay. that's cool. I quit smoking cigarettes 6 months ago and am vaping to step down. I'm already on the second to lowest amount. I'll do my best to wait. I think i was just a little anxious" Then you can make a decision about him. Some people do vape who are not using it to quit -- but started out vaping.

 

Also, i think because your radar is off, you are not using the fact that you are seeing eachother again as an indication that he is interested, you want him to jump across the table and kisss you or something.

 

I do think the hug was fine -- the smelling the hair was a bit odd on a first date but different strokes for different folks?

 

I get that you want to date multiple guys to figure out who you want to date -- BUT - if you meet a guy and something is a big no to you like smoking, you don't see him again and you meet the next. Its not to compare guys - its to get closer to your match.

 

I still think you need to take a break so your radar is on target. But that's just me.

[figureitout23]

The irony is if this was work guy, you probably would have covered his tab and his buddy's tab because he would have brought a friend you know to chill...

 

I'm being tongue and cheek and sarcastic but I'm trying to make a point that it seems you will accept these things if the guy doesn't show you attention and that really does need to be addressed.

 

After things ended with my FWB I jumped into dating again pretty quickly. Before the angry mob comes for me, I wasn't in love with my FWB it was purely an ego thing, which I kinda think is part of your dilemma too xoxo, so it's also quite possible that you two just don't mesh. My first post FWB date, I was just not feeling it, and I would have been miserable if I forced it, and I almost did, he took the hint though, thank goodness. The second guy the spark was instant and that feeling of connection, you couldn't have paid me to go back to accepting scraps.

 

So I don't know, I can't tell if it's that there really isn't a spark or if you're nitpicking because of other issues.

 

I will say this though. Multidating works wonders with online dating. I wouldn't do it with friends or friends of friends though. Look at my old post about this. I don't know why the expectations change but I got judged pretty harshly and it seems you are too. If a friend is taking the time to hook you up with another friend, and this is just my personal opinion, it might be wise to give them a week or so of not dating others, or at the very least, don't tell that friend you have other dates.

[abitbroken]

I will say this though. Multidating works wonders with online dating. I wouldn't do it with friends or friends of friends though. Look at my old post about this. I don't know why the expectations change but I got judged pretty harshly and it seems you are too. If a friend is taking the time to hook you up with another friend, and this is just my personal opinion, it might be wise to give them a week or so of not dating others, or at the very least, don't tell that friend you have other dates.

 

YES -- multidating works online because all of the coffee dates are "first meets" -- if you have crossed paths in real life before going on a date or they are the best friend of your friend - you are not working with a blank slate.

[Wiseman2]

So many dates, so many deal-breakers.

[Alex39]

I went on my first date last night. Was almost hoping it went badly , because I have two other guys, but it went really well. He was cute, funny, smart. We had a nice relaxing time.

 

We laughed because he called me when I was heading there, he arrived and the restaurant was burned down. And then when he gave me a new address my gps had me going to a cemetary. By the time I got there we were laughing about it and how it was already going downhill.

 

I just feel stuck. I like all the guys. Snd they like me. They all are texting me and wanting to go out again. One kissed me. Going out with him again tonight. The one from last night texted me saying he wanted to kiss me and wished he did, but he was trying to be respectful.

 

I feel bad now going out with multiple. I have two that sre front runners ti me. What if I end up liking them both and can't decide who I like more to just date them? What if I choose wrong?

[Metaltwin70]

'What if I end up liking them both and can't decide who I like more to just date them? What if I choose wrong?'

 

Don't worry too much at this stage, you won't know until you've been on a few dates with both of them! Take your time, go on dates with both, get to know them better, only time can tell what the outcome will be! Who knows, one of the two can turn into a fun fling, maybe even a relationship, and some weeks or months from now you'll be saying 'work guy? WHAT work guy'? Wishing you all the best!

[figureitout23]

I went on my first date last night. Was almost hoping it went badly , because I have two other guys, but it went really well. He was cute, funny, smart. We had a nice relaxing time.

 

We laughed because he called me when I was heading there, he arrived and the restaurant was burned down. And then when he gave me a new address my gps had me going to a cemetary. By the time I got there we were laughing about it and how it was already going downhill.

 

I just feel stuck. I like all the guys. Snd they like me. They all are texting me and wanting to go out again. One kissed me. Going out with him again tonight. The one from last night texted me saying he wanted to kiss me and wished he did, but he was trying to be respectful.

 

I feel bad now going out with multiple. I have two that sre front runners ti me. What if I end up liking them both and can't decide who I like more to just date them? What if I choose wrong?

 

Ok yeah, I'm getting the self sabotage vibe for sure now.

 

YOU chose to multidate.

 

Now it's coming off that you didn't put any thought into it.

 

Now you're having excellent first dates and you feel bad about it? Super easy fix, don't multidate.

 

Drama for dramas sake. You gotta stop.

 

Granted not everyone's going to know if multidating is for them until they try it, but you have to learn who you are and what your wants are instead of just trying to fill a void. That's not how healthy relationships are built.

 

I'm glad you're meeting interested men, I think that's an amazing thing, but you should really sit down with yourself and learn who you are and what you want.

[Alex39]

So I think after some second dates, I've seen more about the guys and have been realizing more of what I like and what I do not.

 

The first guy I went out with. He and I split the tab. Kissed me on first date. It was okay. We went out again last night. I just was not feeling it as much. Kissing him just wasn't all that great.

 

Went out again with the second guy the other night and was not feeling that as much either.

 

We went bowling. Had a good timem it came to paying and he got all weird. I asked if he wanted to split he didn't know. It was really awkward. I didn't know what to do. So then he says, well lets just see what the bill is.

 

It pops up and the man tells us the total. It was $45. He then says "oooooh yeah can you cover half"

I don't mind paying, but his reaction was one of getting scalded by hot water and it made me uncomfortable. I paid my part. He then suggests we take a walk. We go to the center of town.

 

He says he wants to show me this cool house. I have sandals on and figure it'll be a nice stroll. It was very hot. We are walking and I'm getting sweaty.

 

We continue, but it seems like forever. I make a joking comment about how far this house is. He claims he doesn't remember it being so far. We finally get there and I am almost dreading the walk back it was so far.

 

We get back and he wants to take me to this building in the center. He is a part of this society and they meet there. We get to the door, and its been left open. Ge's freaked out by this saying it should be locked. He starts messaging members and asking questions. Then he says we should take another stroll because he needs to wait to see what us going on with the door.

 

I was feeling like I was working out. So hot, sweating a ton, and we just kept walking. I felt bad because he felt stuck. But finally I turned to him, told him it was so late, and I was tired and hot. We walked back and he walks us back to the center and society building. At this point, I just wanted to be in my car.

 

He then sees that jo one responded. He pulls out keys and locks it up himself.

 

He had them the whole time. We finally go back to our cars, hug goodbye, and that is it.

 

Not sure if I want to see him again. I feel stuck though because he is best friends with my friends boyfriend. But I also know I have to do what is right for me.

 

Monday I go on a first date. It was great. We had fun, but it was simple. He calls me on the way to the restaurant. He was there early, got there,and the restaurant and it had burned down. We had a good laugh, because he then sent me a new one, and it had me pulling by a cemetary. I finally get there and it is a great conversation starter.

 

He let me know ahead of time that we would do dinner so I didn't eat ahead of time. We laughed and had a really relaxing time. He was cute, smart, and funny.

 

He started texting me and we have been talking dailyn he asked to take me out again friday night, but I already had plans with my family. I suggested another time and he was all over it. Ge said he thought I was so cute.

 

He also said how he knew it was a first date and he didn't want to freak me out, but he was really wanting to kiss me goodnight and he wished he had.

 

I thought that was cute. And nice. He wanted to, but didn't, thinking it was the right thing to do on a first date.

 

I'm excited to see him again. We are talking about all sorts of dates. Goung out fir drinks, maybe boating, movie nights. He and I are very similar as in we are both shy homebodies, so we've been joking that a movie night in is a perfect vibe for both of us. I'm excited, scared, but putting a bit more singular focus on this guy as the front runner as the others I just didn't feel a huge spark where I really was dying to see them again.

[mustlovedogs]

You talk only of the superficial things. Nothing about the guys but just how the situation made you feel. He can’t control it’s hot. Right? But was there anything about him you liked?

 

Don’t offer to pay if you don’t mean it. It’s manipulative. And, isn’t $45 kinda a lot?

[figureitout23]

I loved your dating storylines xoxo I felt like I was on love connection!

 

Yeah after walking around and sweating I'd be done as well. Bad move on his part. Again, I wouldn't tell your friend you're multidating though, just tell her tried to make you walk 40 days and 40 nights as a first date, lol.

 

Guy 3 sounds promising! Keep us update!

[Wiseman2]

Don't drag out initial dates this long. Know when to wrap it it up. Also be concrete and resolute when dating. That means offer to pay half and if accepted do so graciously. Keep in mind he's meeting and taking out other women and most likely doesn't want to spend this much on every first meet or second date, etc. If there is little to no interest don't continue texting or going on dates etc. Just be kind and diplomatically mention it's not a match.

[Batya33]

I loved your dating storylines xoxo I felt like I was on love connection!

 

Yeah after walking around and sweating I'd be done as well. Bad move on his part. Again, I wouldn't tell your friend you're multidating though, just tell her tried to make you walk 40 days and 40 nights as a first date, lol.

 

Guy 3 sounds promising! Keep us update!

 

Yes, I think his choice to walk that far in that situation was weird and I find it odd that he didn't do his homework in advance and estimate the price of bowling so he could handle the paying situation with more class. I just don't like how he said it to you. Now if you ordered a lot of drinks/food maybe different but it doesn't sound that way. It's like the guy I met once who I went to a diner with and he grilled the waiter on exactly how much meat was in their Reuben sandwich - it was an inexpensive lunch and back when women almost never paid or offered on a first date. I ordered something inexpensive as I always did. I found his behavior tacky and off-putting especially since he knew where we were going and was familiar with the area.

[purplepaisley]

I'm glad you're getting out and getting some new experiences. I love the restaurant/cemetery mishap. What a great tale to tell, whether this guy works out as a boyfriend or not. :)

 

With the guy that took you walking all over the place, I think you need to work on speaking up and ending a situation that just isn't working. I know you wanted to be accommodating and didn't want to come across as entitled or rigid, but you have to speak up and hold your own as well. When you saw this walk becoming a bit of a nightmare, you could have stopped it, explaining, "I'm not wearing the right shoes for this kind of walking, and it's really hot. I would love to see this building/house, but today is not the day. You can show me on our next date." The big question...why didn't you go inside the building when the door was left open? Why didn't he seek out if people were inside and what was going on? Why didn't he take you both inside for a reprieve from the heat (instead of more walking) while he awaited a return text message on if there's a reason this door is left open? Assuming that non-society members are not allowed in this building or room (?), he could have left you in the foyer while he sought out whether or not other people were there and that the door is open. That whole situation is rather bizarre.

 

Don't ask a guy if he wants you to pay half. This puts him on the spot. If you want to cover your half, hand over some cash or pull out your card and tell him you'd like to cover half. Don't make things awkward and turn it into a "thing." If he can't cover the cost, he'll have to bring up the fact he expects you to cover your share.

[figureitout23]

 

Don't ask a guy if he wants you to pay half. This puts him on the spot. If you want to cover your half, hand over some cash or pull out your card and tell him you'd like to cover half. Don't make things awkward and turn it into a "thing." If he can't cover the cost, he'll have to bring up the fact he expects you to cover your share.

 

Whats wrong with that? Honesty is always the best policy isnt it? Best to get all that out in the open now, than later.

[Alex39]

So I stopped talking to two of the three guys. I just wasn't feeling that they were right for me.

 

The cemetary/burned restaurant guy and I have been talking everyday through text. We got together last night. I went down to his place. We drank wine, watched movies, he gave me a great foot massage, and we made out a bit.

 

It was all around a great time and we're still talking. I'm a bit bummed he is busy this weekend, because I'd love to see him again.

 

But he made sure to plan ahead and make the time for me last night which I love.

 

He makes me nervous. We've been texting snd ge always is asking about me. He mentions the other day how we have to make the most of our time together, because the month of august for him is so busy. This kind of made me question what he was getting at.

 

He said he has a ton of work projects coming up and will have to put in extra hours, as well as a bunch of pre-planned obligations on the weekends.

 

Half of me questions why he was telling me this. So you are saying you won't be able to see me for a month? Or if he was being considerate and letting me know his schedule was getting crazy, but hopefully he will make the time.

 

 

We have no further plans as of yet, but hoping for more. He messaged me this morning right away, which was a great sign. I like him so far. Still getting to know one another. There is definitely attraction there.

 

And before going to his house I made it clear that for me it was too early for more physical stuff and he agreed and said he knew I wasn't comibg for sex. He didn't try anything. We kissed for a while and some light kissing touches, but ge was respectful and I went home fairly early.

 

He promised to come see my place the next time. And he was even confused as to why I would question him on if he would.

 

If he only knew my past experiences with guys unwilling to travel.

 

Trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, or get too excited, but I sort of am. If it doesn't work out, he isn't right for me or my life, but so far so good. Its very easy. Like talking to him, making plans, joking around. Its been pretty easy, almost borinh, but I think I am so used to the opposite, and chasing these guys who aren't wanting it, that this is a refreshing change.

[katrina1980]

amkxoxo, please be careful with this guy.

 

Call me cynical or jaded but I have quite a bit of experience and this is how I would interpret his comments:

 

1. We have to make the most of our time together, because the month of August I will be sooo busy.

 

Translation: Let's have sex, the sooner the better!

 

2. I have a ton of work projects and will have to put in extra hours as well as a bunch of pre-planned obligations that will keep me busy on the weekends.

 

Translation: He is warning you in advance that after sex (or even if you don't have sex) he won't be around so don't have any expectations about wanting to spend time with him or having a "relationship" with him.

 

I hesitate to call guys "players" but I will this time cause something sounds VERY off.

 

And isn't he **exactly** the type of guy you fall so hard for too?

 

Good looking, charming, funny, elusive, NOT available!!

 

I can almost predict he will become your next obsession! lol

 

Just me but if a guy gave me the spiel he gave you (on the second date? while at his apartment?) --->> let's make the most of our time together because I will be busy/unavailable for the next MONTH -- I would be lol'ing to myself, and politely excuse myself and leave.

 

You do you but again please be careful!

 

Be smart!

 

Keep us posted.