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oscuro

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  1. Also that sex doll in some of the photos is not mine. My guest brought it with her because of course she would. I simply documented it for posterity.
  2. Volunteering has not crossed my mind lately but I will look into that. Some time ago i was considering becoming a mentor to younger people.
  3. I have and I need to look at it more thoroughly. The Tinder thing was somewhat incidental. I was on there with the intention of dating. The found the masked woman there and her link to her instagram. I started talking to her through instagram. I gave up any intention of wanting a "date" with her--she throws off some warning signs. However I was comfortable making art with her and it was nice. I have uninstalled Tinder, for the time being. I will continue looking at meetups to see what looks interesting.
  4. Based on the variety of responses here I am getting I am reaching the conclusion that I must 1. own my art. maybe I will feel come off as a better person in doing so. 2. address my personal issues that may or may not appear in my work 3. don't wrap my identity into my work too much 4. not be surprised if people are turned off by what I do. I should not worry about their opinions. My heart fluttered reading that. I think I appreciate when people can allow their heart and minds to explore those parts that require a vulnerability and a fear. It takes a certain strength to explore it through a creative medium. As an educator of non-professional artists, there is often an apprehension explore certain things through that creative process.
  5. This wasnt a date. It was sincerely an opportunity to hang out and paint. We did paint, drink tea, and listen to music. I know I met her on Tinder but the situation was too odd for me to approach it as a date. I just sought relaxing moment with someone.
  6. About three months. I do have friends and see them periodically. Its the evenings that feel lonesome which should be no surprise.
  7. We spoken online several times over the span of a few weeks. Her social media presence communicated concerns about the U.S. and commentary on philosophical concerns. Everything Ive stated there does not mean we were kindred spirits. Thats up for interpretation. I agree that I am desperate and lonely though. However I think this meeting with this person was not dramtically different from dates Ive had with people by meeting them online. The dramatic difference was the mask.
  8. Exactly. That was also strange to me. I thought she'd be a kindred spirit who would not consider me creepy. I don't know. All I know is that I don't drive that van. She remarked on how a cop was following her when she came to my apartment. I saw the cop. The cop left when she parked. She said he probably changed his mind when he saw her. She's a young blonde woman. I stated the story would've been very different if I was driving that van.
  9. Um. Yeah. I don't feel that way anymore BUT I don't have high esteem. So there are still problems there. I will see what I can do.
  10. I don't think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy only because race rarely comes up when I talk to white women. There's no way for me to make it self-fulfilling. At it's best it unknown--whether I'm being rejected on the basis of race. I only state that I know race has been a factor because it can't be a coincidence that I'm treated more warmly by women of color. It's not a coincidence when I see white women treat normal looking white males with a sense of trust and warmth that is not offered me. The best way I can describe this is I've more often met black women who will be friendly towards me like I could be a neighbor. That is not the dynamic with most white women I interact with when first meeting them. Regarding my mother: I feel like I've moved a lot from that period and those problems. They did overwhelm me at the time. I used to.. hate the fact that I was a guy because she made it clear that men are scum. I've mostly moved on. I will consider speaking to my therapist about it. However I mentioned my mother because I think that's how I developed an intense insecurity that leads me to act in this way where I don't want to express my feelings or desire for a woman. That then leads to me acting awkwardly.
  11. Yeah, I had never considered moving things around in the apartment in order to serve that purpose. I think it's a good idea... when I get a new apartment. So for now I suppose I'll need to accept the risk. It just caught me off guard when this person came over. She did stay however.
  12. Multiple things. This veers into another topic but... I think the way my mother raised me was problematic. I had no definitive male role model. My mother taught me that men are flawed a55_holes. So if and when a woman rejected me I gave up immediately and respected her space. This means if she expressed a look of boredom on her face, I bailed out of the conversation. If she looked away, I stopped talking to her. Etc. Eventually I just saw women as people who are inclined to reject me so I stuffed all my desires into a bottle inside me. It was not healthy. I'm basically describing my teens and 20s. I did encounter discrimination as well which I realized in my 20s. I am a brown man. I am treated differently by women of different races. I am treated with more friendliness and less automatic distrust by most hispanic and black women I meet.
  13. I don't actually think it is okay for me to linger when I look. I feel bad about it. I do suspect it's wrapped up in a sort of self repression of feeling. In a sense I question whether if sincere flirting would create more open environment where feelings are on the table. The catch is I don't know how to flirt. Another topic. I don't think it's negative to assume some people are unfamiliar with African art. I have met many people in my life who dismiss African art as "evil" because their christian faith told them so. They told me their christian faith told them so. I do hold the view that if people engaged in the subject more, they would find it less "evil". They may still think it's unappealing but that's not a judgement of the subject itself. That's just a personal value of the work. --- So I understand you believe it was too risky meeting a masked stranger from the internet. I think this is a risk assessment issue. I was comfortable with the risk. I know how to escape. I know where my weapons are. I know my neighbors are a thin wall away. I am a bearded male. She was a younger petite woman. If anything she should use careful caution. However she brought her mace with her, which is good. It was positive evening. We drank tea and listened to music and painted.
  14. I'm not assuming people who don't appreciate my work are "pedestrian". My work is pedestrian a lot of times. I'm saying that my identity is very wrapped in what I do and so it hurts me and unsettles me when someone reaches a conclusion that I'm weird or creepy. Sometimes I believe they reach that conclusion because they do have a small understanding of the work I do. Sometimes. Also I'm in my mid-30s and I attend museums, galleries, etc. I teach painting as well. I'm dealing with emotions that are very immature or rooted in my youth. That's sort of it. I wrote this post shortly after the woman left. She was the first guest I've had over in a VERY long time. So she saw the world around me and she observed... darkness. So it caught me off guard. I ended up asking myself, "Is my home unsettling? Is this my life? Is this me (it is)? Do I care?" So I'm reflecting that out loud here in this forum.
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