Had to put it in a letter...

[indea08]

My husband and I got into it this weekend. Long story, but the gist is that I have been feeling disconnected, like the romance is just non-existant. Tried to deal with it internally by planning a date (didn't go as planned), then trying to have fun together over the weekend (I ended up being forced into hosting two cookouts and spent no time with husband). Eventually I had to tell husband to tell all of his friends (none of my friends were there) to leave. Shortly after, husband falls asleep drunk on the couch.

 

Next day we get into an argument. Turns out he thought I was having a great time hosting all of his friends, despite me trying to discretely tell him otherwise. (He put me on the spot in front of everyone to have them all back to our hpuse, couldn't exactly communicate my thoughts right then).

 

So basically, I wanted to articulate my feelings in a way that doesn't make him feel attacked, or that I'm blaming him for the romance getting stale. That's on both of us. I know it won't come out right, so I wrote a letter.

 

Would you rather your SO read you the letter? Give you the letter and give you a day or two to digest before responding? This has been building in me for about a month, and I just want to be heard and understood, without causing an argument. Guys, what would you prefer if you were in his shoes?

[dias]

A letter is a good idea in my opinion. Because he can't argue with anyone and he will have to read it and eventually put some thought on it. If you try talking, it will probably end up into an argument without him having heard what you have to say.

[indea08]

That was exactly my fear. He does not receive it well when something has upset me, so I wanted to try a different approach.

[Wiseman2]

Agree, it gives him time to digest and reflect without an emotional discussion/argument.

[BecxyRex]

I like the idea of a letter. If you haven't already, definitely include things that you love and appreciate about him, and try to phrase your concern about lack of romance in a more vulnerable way. For example, instead of saying "You don't notice when I get dressed up or you don't seem interested in me anymore" maybe try "I miss being romantic with you, because it feels so good when you compliment me, hold my hand, make me laugh.." etc etc. You get what I'm saying. That way he has a clear idea of what you're needing and he won't feel like he's being blamed. This approach has always worked much better for me in my relationship.

 

Also, I learned that it never works out to assume your partner SHOULD know what you want. It seems women in general are much more intuitive when someone's overwhelmed, but men seem to need a more direct approach. He probably genuinely thought you were having a grand time with his buddies. Maybe next time tell him immediately "Hey, mind taking over cooking while I socialise a bit? I need a little break. Thanks Honey!"

[DanZee]

Oh, boy. Men dread "the Talk," even if The Talk is in the form of a letter. Look, it's only going to cause an argument, and your husband will say he'll change, and in a week, nothing will have changed and you'll be frustrated again.

 

Guys are terrible at the emotional stuff. We just don't know what to do. We sit on the couch drinking a beer and watching sports and we think everything's fine. (I don't do that but a lot of guys do.)

 

You have to figure out what will make you happy and tell your guy what to do. If going to a play will make you happy, then you tell your guy we're going to a play next Saturday. You can boil things down to women talk and guys do. When you tell your guy to do something, he understands that.

 

So save yourself a lot of grief. Don't share your emotions with your husband, he won't know what to do to make you happy. You've got to tell him what to do. So you have to figure out what will make you happy and execute a plan to achieve that.

[DancingFool]

Going to second dias here. Just give him the letter to read and digest for himself. If he doesn't bring it up himself, you will need to bring it up and address it in a few days.

 

You've tried talking but it lead to arguing and no resolution. So try something else. I wouldn't recommend reading it, because you are just talking at him and that's never effective. When being talked at, it's simply human nature to tune out or latch onto something half heard out of context and pick a defensive fight.

 

Also, what danzee said - try to write in a way a guy can understand. I feel bad and unloved - he might feel bad about it, but he doesn't know how to fix it, so he'll end up doing nothing or try something random hoping it will stick, a la throwing darts in the dark. You do need to tell him specifically what it is that you want him to do for you, with you, etc. Consider also, that when you try too hard to be discrete, considerate, etc, what you are really doing is being passive aggressive wanting your spouse to read between the lines....and they'll fail. Sometimes a more simple direct approach is more effective and kinder as then they can actually get what you want.

[j.man]

Nothing inherently wrong with a letter. I think the biggest issue when forgoing the personal touch verbal communication provides is having to really dress up your written thoughts in a way that is less able to be misconstrued as passive aggressive or brash. But if you feel you're otherwise at an impasse, I wouldn't discourage it. Though I will say no longer being able to effectively engage in verbal disputes is as heavy a sign as any that you may want to invest in some professional meditation.

[abitbroken]

The letter makes it feel like a breakup. I would just be honest and not let things build up. you told him that you didn't like hosting parties - and he thought you did - so his heart was in the right place - he just missed his mark. So i would stop "hinting" that he doesn't get and tell him flat out "i don't want to have any cookouts for awhile. I don't want parties here constantly and what i really want is time together with you without anyone else. How can we make that happen?

[Johnny Utah]

It all depends on how the letter is worded.

 

If it's like a diary from your perspective, then it's not accusatory. If it's mean to replace a conversation between you and him because words read can be easier and less emotional, than that also works.

 

I prefer it first to at least get your thoughts down, sleep on it, and read it to see if it comes across the way you want it to.

[Lester]

I agree with DanZ.

 

Unless he was a knowledgeable romantic to start with, he'll have no idea what to do, promise change, and then quickly fall back on what he knows.

 

So, no on the letter.

It will only add more fuel to your fire.

[catfeeder]

I don't think that, "...I can't speak to you..." is the main message I'd want to give my husband. I'd rather write the letter to myself to clarify my thoughts, and then ask husband if we can take a walk together. The body language of walking side-by-side takes the confrontational edge off of face-to-face conversations.

 

During the walk I'd ask whether husband would be willing to give me 5 full minutes to speak without interruption, followed by any amount of silence he would like before taking his uninterrupted time to respond.

 

I'd start by telling husband that I want to learn how to become a better partner for him. I'd avoid using accusatory language, such as "...you always, you never, you make me feel..." etc." I'd also avoid vague abstractions like, "...show me you love me," or "be there for me..." or anything else that means different things to different people.

 

I'd keep my focus on my own failings or deficiencies and ask husband whether we can start scheduling at least a half hour of talk time a week to air issues and resolve them. I'd ask for husband to consider coming up with a list of things I don't do for him or the household that he'd like me to do, and behaviors that I do that he'd like me to stop doing or do differently. I'd also ask for a 'bribe' list of behaviors or material things that he would value and that I can offer him going forward in exchange for specific things that I may want from him in the future.

 

I'd ask husband if we can agree to come up with a phrase to use in public as a signal that we need to speak privately before any further actions are taken that will commit the other to anything.

 

I wouldn't 'kitchen sink' this talk with everything I believe is 'wrong' with our relationship, but rather, I'd pave the way to future conversations that allow both of us to be heard and feel understood regardless of whether we end up agreeing.