Can’t live like this

[Mantistoboggan]

I had an intense, short (2 month) “relationship” with a girl I met on Tinder that ended with me getting blocked on every form of communication. It has been 3 months since she cut me out of her life and I dont think I will ever recover, mostly because I cant forgive myself for how I handled things at the end of it.

 

The first time we hung out, the connection we had was unbelieveably special. We had so much in common it felt like it was a dream. She even said “I feel like Ive known you my whole life” the first time we met, and I felt the same. She was taking things really fast and I was totally on board with it because I had been single for 2 years and never met a girl like her before. We started hanging out and having sleepovers 3-5 times a week. 3 weeks after I met her, we took a trip to her hometown to meet her parents and longtime best friends. We fell for each other so hard and I was hooked. Her family was awesome and they liked me too.

 

2 weeks after I met her, I got laid off from my job and started to get low on funds which had me feeling incredibly insecure and depressed/anxious about the future in the following weeks. She noticed my negativity and while she was still supportive of me, started to pull away from the amount of time we were spending together. This made me feel even more insecure and I started to get clingy. I am sure this started to push her away.

 

I told her I wanted her to be mine and asked if I was asking too much and she responded “Im dealing with some emotional stuff right now, it wouldn’t be fair to me say you’re not asking too much, I just couldn’t give my 100% to you right now. I’m not hiding anything, I just don’t feel comfortable talking about it”. We continued to hangout and have sex and whatnot, but my insecurity was at an all time high after that conversation. I disagreed with her about her opinion of Rihanna or something and she jokingly said “See, this is why we’ll never be together” I took it to heart and got really upset and she apologized, but she was definitely annoyed that I couldn’t let it go. A couple days later, I saw that she updated her tinder profile with new pictures and I lost my cool. I started a huge argument with her on the same day that her great grandma died and I quickly realized how selfish I was being and apologized for the next couple of days, but the damage had already been done.

 

I let her cool down for about a week of limited contact and then asked her if she wanted to meet up before she went home for winter break. She said “yeah maybe, I’m really busy this week with work and finals, I’ll let you know!” I was missing her a lot and so scared of losing her that I thought it would be a good idea to ask her again before she let me know, and that was the last text I ever sent to her. After I sent it, she blocked me out of her life.

 

In the past 3 months, I’ve learned more about myself and relationships through therapy, mindfulness meditation and reading forums like ENA than I have in my entire life. After I read “The Power of Now” I literally feel like a different person. Since the “break up” (if you can really call it that), I got a new job making more money than I ever have, went on a trip across the country with a good friend of mine, and been more aware of my emotional well being and how I treat others; but it’s torturing me every single day. I feel like it’s all for nothing. I know it’s great that I’m making personal progress, but it eats me alive knowing that I could’ve shared it with a girl that means the world to me. It’s like a sick joke, I wish it didn’t take losing the best girl I’ve ever known for me to give a **** about my personal well being.

 

I truly believe I will never have another connection like the one I had with her in this lifetime and its getting harder and harder to live with the regret. I dont want to share my happiness with anyone else in the world. Beyonce could walk through my door right now and say she wanted to start a life with me and I’d be like “Ehh, no thanks”. I think about this girl from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. The only thing that keeps her out of my mind is copious amounts of drugs/alcohol. I don’t know how much longer I can live with myself. I don’t want to live without her.

[melancholy123]

You really need to lighten up, you are wound too tight. Please keep seeing a therapist as you need some serious help to get yourself sorted out. You had a fling with a girl and now it's over and you have to learn how to deal with that and how to move on with your life.

[Morello]

I think I could've written a very similar post about my story, with just a few differences. Lots of coincidences too (about The Power of Now book, about having a rough time and becoming clingy, insecure, and being completely cut off her life at the end, etc).

 

My advice is: don't blame yourself too much. Yes, you made mistakes, but we all do. The fact she was rushing with it and then started to back off probably shook you a bit and together with the personal situation you were facing, made you react the way you did. Something in her was probably off, which was what made you feel insecure and then it went downhill from there.

 

I know it feels like she's the one for you, but she's not. Two months is definitely not enough time to know someone. It will take you some time to see it, so I know you will disagree with me now. The fact she said she thought you were not going to be together because of a comment on Rihanna just speaks that she was already seing some incompatibilities between you two beyond that. Rihanna was just the scape goat :)

 

Next time, try not to rush it and don't act too available, needy and clingy. I think you learned your lesson (as I learned mine) and hopefully, you can become a better person from this.

 

In any case, DO NOT reach out to her, ever. I know you may think it's a good idea to contact her and make amends but it will just drive her further away. Don't look at her social media and just see this is a case with no hope for reconciliation because that's what is the most likely outcome. It's ok to feel sad about the end of a brief relationship, take your time to heal and rather sooner than later you'll see she was not the one for you.

 

Also, look for Craig Kenneth on Youtube and check his videos on attachment styles for you to learn more about yourself and why you reacted the way you did. You're showing behaviors of extreme anxiety and you have to learn how it can kill your relationships like just happened.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're suffering, but life is not made of one person, especially one person who dumped and rejected you. Think like this: if she was REALLY into you, she'd have tried to work it out. She was probably not into you as you were into her, regardless of her actions early in the relationship. Also, consider that she may have just been gone out of a relationship and might have been using you as a rebound or emotional crutch. That's what comes to my mind when I read that she was rushing and having you to meet parents just a few weeks into the relationship, which was obviously a terrible idea.

 

A recurrent feeling you might have is regret and guilt for not having learned everything you now have BEFORE the break up so you'd know what to do back then. You'll think you'd be still by her side if you didn't act clingy, needy and insecure. Maybe that's right, but that's now how life works. We need to live it to learn in, in most cases. Don't dweel in guilt, just think of how much better your next relationship will be now that you learned all that stuff.

 

Again, don't be hopeful that she will come back. That's exactly what will drive you nuts and keep you from healing. You have got to move on.

[Mantistoboggan]

You really need to lighten up, you are wound too tight. Please keep seeing a therapist as you need some serious help to get yourself sorted out. You had a fling with a girl and now it's over and you have to learn how to deal with that and how to move on with your life.

 

I agree, therapy has been already been very helpful for me but I know there’s still a lot of work to be done. And I’ve had flings with a lot of girls that ended less than ideally, i got over them with ease because I knew they weren’t going anywhere. This one is different because i saw a future with her and I feel like she is irreplaceable.

[boltnrun]

There's a phrase I've seen used a few times on this forum..."she's not a unicorn".

 

She poops, she gets gas, she gets cranky just like every other human.

 

Maybe when you do eventually do meet the woman who you belong with will you be able to see her for the normal human she really is.

[Mantistoboggan]

Thanks for the detailed response and advice, Morello, I appreciate it a lot. Now that I’m thinking about it, there is a very good chance that I was being used as an emotional crutch/rebound. She talked about her ex with strong discontent very early on and compared me to him a lot. It was almost nice to hear because it was always me who had the better qualities as opposed to him. It made me feel like she wanted to be with me because I treated her so much better than him but I really should’ve seen this as a red flag. My last ex was a horrible person but I’m so over it that she never once crossed my mind when I was with my recent ex. She was also really eager to show me off on social media and to her parents and friends which is another red flag that I ignored because I was so infatuated with her. Thanks for bringing it up. It hurts to realize this, but it also helps me take her down a bit from the golden pedestal she currently sits on in my mind. Ya learn something new every day...

[Morello]

Yeah, unfortunately, you were indeed a rebound. She was definitely not over her ex, so the mistakes you might have made had little effect on where the relationship was going. Being it the case, I think that is very unlikely she will contact you again, so it's best to just move on.

 

Now it's up to you to find out why you ignored all these red flags and lowered your boundaries to be with someone who was talking about her ex that much and early and rushing with everything. Do a bit of soul searching and use this to understand how your mind/personality works so you're more prepared in the next time you meet someone nice. You identified red flags but decided not to act on them for a reason. Find out why.

 

Talking bad about an ex almost always means there are still feelings involved. She was missing what she had with the ex and tried to rush it with you and get a relationship sorted out very soon. But during the rush, she probably realised what was actually going on and decided to do a 180. She's not dating material now and she might need quite some time before she is ready for a new relationship.

 

It hurts to be used as a rebound, but in the long run you'll see that it makes it easier to realise that this person was not meant to be with you. It was just a fling. Feel grateful for the break-up and being able to learn this much out of a relationship that was never going anywhere anyway, compared to breaking up with someone you would actually have a future with.

 

All the best to you my friend.

[Tuna010]

I know that feeling all too well. It is the worst ever and I've read so many books including the power of now which help temporary, then before I know it I go back to where I was. When I've met new guys it gives me something else to focus on and I think finally I'm over it, but then when it ends with them it's him who's always on my mind. I wish there was a way you could completely wipe your memory of a person because I would definitely do it. I guess some people really just get under your skin. My situation was hard because I was the one who had to walk away and block him on everything, i can say time helps slightly...

[MissCanuck]

There were a lot of red flags here, OP.

 

You two rushed this, and she was still talking about her ex a lot. Those are generally not good signs.

 

And she's not irreplaceable, so quit telling yourself that. There are other, better-suited girls out there for you. The best one for you won't rush it and won't blab about her ex like this one did.

[catfeeder]

I dont think I will ever recover,

 

When you speak this way, it's a decision you make and reinforce each time. I'd skip that. It was 2 months. Gain perspective and make a better decision.

[Jibralta]

I dont think I will ever recover

 

When you speak this way, it's a decision you make and reinforce each time. I'd skip that. It was 2 months. Gain perspective and make a better decision.

 

Yep. It's self limiting. You have to get rid of these beliefs or you will stay trapped.

 

She wasn't perfect. There are other extraordinary women on the planet. It was an extremely short investment (2 months!).

[Mantistoboggan]

Yep. It's self limiting. You have to get rid of these beliefs or you will stay trapped.

 

She wasn't perfect. There are other extraordinary women on the planet. It was an extremely short investment (2 months!).

 

I understand that this will become a self fulfilling prophecy if I let it, but the thing that is making it so hard to discredit these beliefs is that I have absolutely no interest in pursuing other girls. I know I need to be moving on and trying to meet new people but it’s honestly the last thing I want to do right now and I don’t know how to get past this irrational feeling of fear that I won’t find someone I connect with as much as her. I’m 23 so I guess you could say I’m in the “prime” of my life and it’s frustrating knowing that I’m wasting this time being stuck on a girl that doesn’t want me. Maybe I’m just being lazy because I know how hard it was to find someone I actually wanted to be with and I don’t want to start that process all over again. Ugh, I am all over the place right now.

[Morello]

Don't worry too much. It will take a few months to get over it, just use that time to improve in all other areas. Don't worry about dating now.

 

Try to focus on work (to get a promotion, maybe?), spend time with relatives, friends. Try to exercise more, find hobbies. Just think that you'll be working on yourself for now. In a few months, I'm sure you'll be ready to date again (even though you don't think now that you will) and you'll thank yourself for all these improvements you have made.

 

Sometimes it's actually nice to quit the dating scene for awhile and focus on other things that can make you happy. Life is not just about relationships. Just do whatever makes you feel good, be easy on yourself. This feeling about thinking you'll never find someone as good as your ex will go away with time. Believe me, I was thinking exactly the same thing a few months ago and now I'm back to finding other women interesting again.

 

You can think that time is your enemy right now, but it's actually your friend.

[Roughpatchsw]

Yep. It's self limiting. You have to get rid of these beliefs or you will stay trapped.

 

She wasn't perfect. There are other extraordinary women on the planet. It was an extremely short investment (2 months!).

 

This describes my situation to a T. I have been able to step back and see that *knock on wood*. I am still in the it hurts a lot stage. And it hurts more than a relationship that ended after 6 years which seems odd, but I was still in honeymoon phase so this one was "perfect" and even though she turned out to be quite mean and abusive at times I still have that feeling of unique and special. Which she is. Just like a lot of others. There were a few things that she matched up with me better than anyone ever has, but at the same time she was meaner to me than anyone has been. It was Ying/Yang. I will likely read the book people keep mentioning and I have watched the videos. I do have anxiety at the moment. In therapy for that. But I can step back at moments and see the light that she wasn't the one for me or she wouldn't attack me, but work to find ways to work with me. Still hurts and feels like I lost a lot. A whole lot. That will take time.

[Wiseman2]

Get on some apps besides Tinder and meet girls in real life venues as well. This situation sounds like a whirlwind flash in the pan..

I’m 23 so I guess you could say I’m in the “prime” of my life. Maybe I’m just being lazy because I know how hard it was to find someone I actually wanted to be with and I don’t want to start that process all over again. Ugh, I am all over the place right now.

[Stacks44]

Morello is dead on. You were her rebound. It sucks, but you've learned a great lesson. Rome wasn't built in a day. Lasting meaningful relationships take place time to grow and prosper. You can't plug someone in and just be happy.

 

The quicker things move, the less stable they are, and the higher the failure rate. I'm sorry you're hurting still, but trust us. It will get better. I'm on day 101 of no contact. Day one was miserable. Day 101 is tolerable. Day 200 will be better still. There will be bad days along the way, but you'll come out stronger and better than ever.

 

btw, excellent Always Sunny name :)

[Mantistoboggan]

Thanks everybody for your input, it’s really helping me gain a new perspective on the whole situation. Especially Morello, it’s crazy how similar our situations are. The whole rebound thing is becoming more and more solidified the more I think about it. She left him, but I don’t think she was completely over what happened between them. They were still living together after for a little while after they split up, so that must have taken a toll on her. With all this new perspective I think it’s kind of funny that I even have the same name as her ex! LOL

 

It’s weird, before I met her, I was perfectly content with just meeting up and having meaningless NSA sex with girls I had no connection with. Now it’s honestly one of the last things I want to do after knowing what I had with her, it’s like she ruined girls for me... It still hurts a lot, but pain can’t last forever, right?