Roughpatchsw

I want to take back the things I did wrong, have you admit to the ones you did to me and we erase them with cuddles and love. But I can't. I still love you. I always will and that is what hurts the most.

Didn't want to contact you all day for first time so tonight my mind is punishing me by making it overwhelming. Hanging with Tom and set him up with account so he could post. We are both getting over people and are sitting reading threads off and on. Pretty sad that is a Friday night for two single guys, but we have to heal before moving on.

I am feeling better today. And I want to tell you that. But I'm not because it would not be answered or if it was it would be snarky or mean. I'm better than that. Knowing that is why I'm better. When I believe it fully I will truly be on the way to healing. Right now I still just want to cry.

I was about to post from opposite side of this. Me and ex both live off one of the main roads here. Ended up behind her car today and it sucked. I turned off early from where I was headed, sat for a few, then drove on. Felt guilty even though both the university and medical district on same main road so it makes sense occasionally would end up bumping into each other. Really, really wanted to contact to explain that to her and nothing untoward meant at all. That was just excuse though as mainly just wanted to talk to her for a few to see if the nice side was there today. Hang in there. It's hard. I know for a fact it is so, so hard, but long run we will be better off having healed.

I am so tempted tonight to contact you both from anger and pain. And longing. Yes I still miss you in spite of what happened and what was said. But I didn't. Posting here then powering off phone and locking it up until tomorrow. I have been doing that so I don't contact even though I blocked number. And put away stamps so no temptation to mail anything. I loved you. So much. It was crazy to fall that fast and crazier still to overlook the red flags. But I did. And now I must clean up my own mess and dress my own self inflicted wounds. You have a very good side and a really, really mean side. Both are killing me tonight.

Twice today I have really wanted to contact you. The good times were great. The bad times were horrible. Some were my fault, some were yours, but none of them deserved the scorn and abuse I got. I still miss you though in spite of that and the silent treatments. I'm telling this to the void not you though.

I want to send you a letter saying good things so it ends not with you cursing me out, but with me feeling like I took the high road. But I also secretly hope it would win you back and that isn't healing that is delaying. And I need to heal.