Online Guy

[start2345]

Dear Forum,

 

Really appreciate the advice.

 

I've been chatting to a guy I met online for about 2 years now. We have never met. From the way they speak, I get the impression they are a normal guy but slightly twisted.

 

Whenever I have asked to meet up, there has always been an excuse.

 

The latest excuse is that they have not passed their probation on their job and are now looking for employment again. They say they are now not in a position to commit anymore.

 

Because I have chatted to them for so long, it's really difficult to get over this. I thought they would come through but they haven't.

 

What does everyone think?

 

Thanks.

[MissCanuck]

I think you need to step far, far away from this.

 

If you haven't managed to meet in 2 years, it's never going to happen. Lord only knows what he's hiding from you.

[Zippy2000]

I think you need to step far, far away from this.

 

If you haven't managed to meet in 2 years, it's never going to happen. Lord only knows what he's hiding from you.

 

I agree with this. Its been 2 years! Some people have already moved in, got married and had kids in that time! My rule is if I ask a person out more than 3 times. its time to move on but for to let that go on for 2 years. Maybe he`s in jail?

[poorlittlefish]

Some people have already moved in, got married and had kids in that time!

 

He's probably married with kids.

[start2345]

Really don't know what to say .

[Andrina]

2 years??? My limit was 2 weeks on OLD. If a guy didn't plan a date with me after 2 weeks of communicating, I wasn't about to waste my time on a pen pal. OLD doesn't seem to be working for you. Try meetups.com, take dance lessons, join a co-ed sports team, do volunteer work. Get off the computer and get out into the real world. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

The most likely explanation is that he is not single. Or not at all who he claims to be.

 

Have you ever spoken to this person on the phone? Or on a video-chat of some sort? How did you come into contact with him?

[Batya33]

2 years??? My limit was 2 weeks on OLD. If a guy didn't plan a date with me after 2 weeks of communicating, I wasn't about to waste my time on a pen pal. OLD doesn't seem to be working for you. Try meetups.com, take dance lessons, join a co-ed sports team, do volunteer work. Get off the computer and get out into the real world. Good luck.

 

Two weeks was even too long for me lol. I agree. I have to chuckle at "they" - it kind of shows how much distance there is in your mind. And that's realistic -he's someone who's a penpal/chat buddy who you enjoy flirting with and it gives you some level of excuse not to get out there and meet people who want to meet in real life after a reasonable period of time. I'd stop speculating and simply cut him loose and move on.

[DancingFool]

What's to get over? You have a pen pal who may be fun to talk to and maybe flirt with, but treat it for what this is - a pen pal. You aren't going to meet or take things any further, so drop those expectations, stop trying to treat this as some kind of a real relationship and just enjoy what you have - a pen pal.

 

If you want a real life human being, you will have to get away from the keyboard and do what other posters suggested - start socializing in the real world where you can meet real people face to face, and develop real relationships, not just exchanging electronic chatter with a total stranger. I know it might not feel like a stranger after so much talking for so long, but you must recognize that they really are. Online, people can tell you pretty much anything, might be true, might be a version of some kind of truth, might be brazen lies. You don't know, you are just playing word games. If you like the game, that's fine, just don't try to treat it as something real. It isn't.

[Hollyj]

What a complete waste of time!

 

He is either married, has a gf, in jail, or socially inept. Why have you communicated with someone for more than two weeks, without meeting? You need to look at yourself to understand why you have continued with this.

 

End this! And get out into the "real world."

[reinventmyself]

Let this go and take the lesson with you. Imagine all the time invested when there was never any payoff to begin with.

 

All that time you could have been doing something else or seeking the company of a real life person. You won't get this time back and from what you've just said, it sounds as if you are attached and now will go through some sort of break up with the person you've never met.

 

Just remember, there are a lot of people just like him who want nothing more than an electronic friendship. Learn to spot them early so you don't waste any more of your valuable time and effort on them.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately there are a lot of scammers, catfish and people in relationships in online dating. Not meeting for 2 years is typical of that, but not normal online dating. Cease contact and use the site to talk with local people you can meet for coffee asap. You keep saying "they", is this a same-sex situation?

[start2345]

Unfortunately there are a lot of scammers, catfish and people in relationships in online dating. Not meeting for 2 years is typical of that, but not normal online dating. Cease contact and use the site to talk with local people you can meet for coffee asap. You keep saying "they", is this a same-sex situation?

 

Wish I knew what was going on. I know I'm attached and love the guy.

From the start of talking, i always said we should meet up, there was always an excuse as to why not that weekend. He had a family wedding etc etc. I believed the excuses. Then he lost his job and wouldnt meet as his mum said he should focus on his career first. Then we got to talking again. He at one point in december i reckon said that he couldn't offer me anything, and that I've already given him more than he deserves as he hadn't met up with me. So I ended it saying I needed space but that I wasn\t ruling it out. I ended up calling him when I sent a message to someone I knew a long while ago but heard nothing back . I felt low. The online guy and I have spoken since then with him being glad I contacted him. He was more up for meeting but after his probabtion was done. Probabtion came, he didn't pass. Now he says he needs space as he has alot to deal with. He said 'what would meeting do? It wouldn't change his situation of not having a job. ' He says he should have a job and provide for me like a man should.

 

It's really tough for me.

 

I don't feel able to meet new people. I've gotten into a routine.

 

Any help appreciated.

[Batya33]

This is not about him. It's about you and your choices. Take baby steps -every single day - towards breaking off contact with him and positive steps towards getting out there in an active/proactive way. Do you do volunteer work? Exercise? How often and where?

 

It's not about whether you believed the excuses. It's about you choosing to stay in contact with someone for that length of time who for whatever reason was not making a plan to meet you and you wanted to meet him in person. Well you say you did but your actions are inconsistent. Your actions say that at least part of you was content to live in the fantasy world of having a chat buddy with this romantic notion of "someday" in the vague future you might meet in person. So why is that? Why do you choose to stay in a routine? What can you do each day to do something out of your routine? What will help you stay accountable to yourself for taking those baby steps? Writing it down on a list? On a post it taped on your nightstand? Putting it in your phone as a reminder that beeps?

[reinventmyself]

I've already given him more than he deserves as he hadn't met up with me.It's really tough for me.

.

 

What exactly have you given him?

[MissCanuck]

What exactly have you given him?

 

That jumped out at me too. OP, can you clarify what you meant by that?

 

Also, have you ever seen him live on webcam/Skype/FaceTime/etc?

[katrina1980]

Is this a long distance thing, or is he local?

 

You say he is on probation, is it possible he's still incarcerated?

[start2345]

He was on probation on his job.

 

I've kept in contact because it felt easy. Talking to a nice guy on the phone where he had a plan of how we would progress further. It's like I stopped thinking and just went with the easy and nice relationship on the phone. It made me feel better about things in my life as he was very supportive on the phone. It was difficult to not talk to him.

 

Right now I had a conversation with him on the phone yesterday. He is in really bad shape not being employed and facing depression and anxiety. He said he wants to break up as it's not fair on me to wait until he has his together. He was open to being friends and meeting up with me as friends. But he did bring up lots of things about the relationship afterwards to do with us not being compatible because we argue alot, that I always argue with him, which maybe is true but he never brought this up is till now. He is really frustrated and was getting quite angry. I was patient and kept listening to him but at one point I just got really fed up with what he was saying. About how during the conversation he was trying to make it work. He says things like this - ' you are my wife, are you my wife? Am i your husband? Then make love to me' And when I said I wasnt going to , he started saying he was trying to make it work ( as I was really upset that he was saying we should break up and if someone else came along, i should give them a chance because this guy needs to concentrate on him self and needs 3 years. He was saying this himself, bearing in mind I am in love with the guy so it is not easy to hear. )

 

 

I've really got to know that I can't go back there. We had great times, where I really loved him, but that guy is not the full guy. I wish it was different. I wish he didnt lose his job and got put into this bad place. But it's dangerous to keep talking to him given how heavy it is. It's a double edged sword. The god parts I'll miss dearly. Songs remind me of him. He was so supportive of me and so kind and caring. But he's reached the end of his tether and is so frustrated. It's bitter sweet. I feel silly because I thought it was going somewhere but he just hasnt been able to get his together.

 

I wish he hadnt have spoken to me in such detail about us and our future. He basically saying he would want a future with me but he's not in a position to have one. The job market is tough and his head isn't straight.

 

Some of his arguments about the sexual side of things is really difficult to navigate. We used to make love on the phone and I used to feel slightly uncomfortable. He doesn't like that , he says I'm his wife I shouldn't feel uncomfortbale. He said he doesnt feel like he can even be a man and I took that from him becuase I used to start adn stop talking about sex. He can't have an erection. Hasn't had one in a long time. He said he wants to feel alive, needs to be on drugs or something to feel alive.

 

Thanks for the help, Appreciate it.

 

Star xx

[Wiseman2]

Wow a lot of the Nigerian scammers use this line. Read up on these romance scams. You are talking to a catfish, scammer or pervert. Just stop.

He says things like this - ' you are my wife, are you my wife? Am i your husband? Then make love to me' We used to make love on the phone and I used to feel slightly uncomfortable. He doesn't like that , he says I'm his wife I shouldn't feel uncomfortbale.

[start2345]

How do I get over this terrible situation.

[MissCanuck]

He is really frustrated and was getting quite angry. I was patient and kept listening to him but at one point I just got really fed up with what he was saying. About how during the conversation he was trying to make it work. He says things like this - ' you are my wife, are you my wife? Am i your husband? Then make love to me'

 

OP, do you really not grasp how disturbing that is? I shuddered reading that.

 

You don't know this person. You've built up a fantasy of him in your head, but you seem to have zero real-life, independently verifiable information about him. I have asked twice, but you continue to miss or ignore this: have you ever seen him live on webcam?

 

You get over this situation by looking inside and figuring out why you attached yourself to this man. What is missing in your real, day-to-day life that led you seek out and then cling to attention from a total stranger? I mean that as a sincere question. This isn't about whomever it really is you're talking to (and I guarantee he's not who you think he is) It's about you and why you don't have a healthier vision of love and relationships.

[start2345]

I know all this is twisted. I'm trying to get over it. the conversation happened yesterday and I have a string of conversations that have happened. I'm shuddering at this whole thing.

[start2345]

I've never seen him on webcam no. I know family friends that know his family. He confirmed information he woulnd't have known unless he knew those people.

[start2345]

Their family knows people I know through family friends.

[Batya33]

I've never seen him on webcam no. I know family friends that know his family. He confirmed information he woulnd't have known unless he knew those people.

 

Google is a wondrous invention and it's very easy to get information and make it look like you have information that you couldn't find somewhere on the internet.