He barely contacted me on vacation

[Ruili12345]

I started seeing this guy I met online a little over a month ago. Things have been going well overall, we hang out about 3 days per week and text in between (not a lot of texting all throughout the day but at least one text per day and he mostly initiates it) so we’ve pretty much communicated or seen each other everyday since we met. I’ve met his colleagues and close friends and we’ve talked about doing stuff together in the future. 4 days ago he left for a weeklong vacation with his friends and he hasn’t initiated texting me really at all! I have been feeling unsure and anxious lately about us cause we haven’t made anything official or exclusive yet and aside from hanging out and talking frequently I really don’t know how he feels about me. I wanted to wait and see how much he hit me up while on vacation to gauge how much he was thinking about me while not together but unfortunately I lost my phone the third day in and so I sent him a quick fb message letting him know I lost it in case he was trying to get ahold of me. He quickly replied and we chatted a little. He said he was having fun and that he’d text me later....we’ll i didn’t hear from him until the next night (over 24 hours later) around 11 pm asking if I got a new phone yet. I was not happy it took him so long. It made me feel like I wasn’t that important to him. Since it was so late I waited until the next afternoon to reply just saying yes I got a new phone but I didn’t ask him anything else. He pretty quickly then sent me 3 or 4 pics of his trip but didn’t say anything or ask how I was doing (possibly because of my shortness). I know it’s passive aggressive but I waited about 5 hours to reply after that just saying “nice”. Honestly I’ve had bad experiences with guys just stringing me along or losing interest early in the relationship so I get kind of paranoid and hypersensitive to everything. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s my own insecurity based on past dating experiences or my instinct telling me “he’s just not that into you”. Any insight or advice would be very appreciated .

[Cope]

To be fair, it's only been a month. It's too early to agonize over why he isn't texting you over a vacation with his friends. I do know the feeling though and it's noooot nice!

 

You say you have bad experiences with men stringing you along. Is this guy anything like the other you've dated? Do they have similar traits? We tend to choose the same characters again and again and then sit wondering what went wrong. We don't choose intentionally of course, but probably because of our role models when we were growing up. We choose situations we are most familiar with.

[SweetGirl28]

Relax, he's with his buddies and having fun. You haven't really known one another for that long.

Your coldness towards him may turn him off, and he also may see it as a sign you don't do well

with separation, and will be clingy, so when he gets back, try returning to the way things were.

[Ruili12345]

Thank you for the reply! I think he’s different in the sense that when we are together he’s a really good listener, asks me a lot about my self and remembers everything I tell him and we have fun together so Im trying to focus on the quality of the time when we are together. I don’t think there are many personality similarities between the guys I date if I really think about it but maybe there’s something I’m missing. for some reason I’ve dealt with a lot of guys seeming really interested in the beginning then pulling away a few weeks or months in. I don’t let it go on for very long when I recognize it I give it a little while to see if maybe things will go back to normal but if theyre pulling away more and more I’ll bring it up.

[Ruili12345]

SweetGirl28, thanks for the advice! I had that same thought about my coldness backfiring on me. I guess I just felt hurt by his shortness and lack of communication I was kind of mirroring that. I’ll see how things are when he gets back and I don’t think I’ll make a big deal about the communication distance :) I tend to jump to conclusions and in that moment I’m like “welp he obv doesn’t care, I might as well show that I don’t either”. Early undefined dating sucks lol

[j.man]

It made me feel like I wasn’t that important to him.

Why would you be? I don't say that to be mean, but you've been in his life all but a month. Sorry, but you're simply going to be on the backburner if he's off on vacation with his friends. Frankly, I'd be more worried if he actually were rushing back to back to his room to shoot you a call or text.

 

Let up on him and let up on the ego. Also, try not to project your previous dating experiences onto him. Feel free to communicate when it's convenient for both of you while he's on this vacation, but otherwise just worry about doing your own thing while he's on vacation doing his.

[LootieTootie]

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s my own insecurity based on past dating experiences or my instinct telling me “he’s just not that into you”. Any insight or advice would be very appreciated .

 

You are way too focus on your insecurities and trying to figure a man you've only met a month ago who makes minimal contact w/ you is actually in to you. Step back and take a breather. Let this guy have fun on his vacation, he has no obligations or commitment to you, and don't be passive-aggressive (yes you are the passive-aggressive one).

 

Realize your worth and live you life without having someone dictate how you should feel.

[itsallgrand]

I really don't think there is any cause for concern here. I think the anxiety is all coming from your own head, and that's not an insult, simply a point of view on the situation.

I don't think it was a good idea to try and use his vacation time as a test of how he may feel towards you. The only way you can learn that is with time and getting to know him better. It can be anxiety inducing when you like someone and you hope it pans out to something more, I get that. There are proven ways to manage that though and that's your responsibility. Keeping your mind and body busy with other facets of your life is really useful during early dating. Watching that you don't over invest early goes hand in hand with that.

Just try and relax and pick back up when he comes back. He'll have fun stories- have something interesting you can share when you see him again, show him you weren't stuck to your phone. It's sexy when someone gives that gift of room to breathe and to come to things naturally.

[Hollyj]

The guy is on vacation with his friends. You have only been dating a month, and you are expecting daily communication. That is too much. I m surprised he has reached out at all.

 

You need to chill, or new guy is going to dump you over your insecurities and neediness. Not attractive. Perhaps, you are not ready to date, due to your trust issues.

 

Do you have a social life?

[Wiseman2]

The best thing you can do is go slowly and not over invest and believe that you are in an insta-relationship because "there's a good connection" after dating a few weeks. Also the use of pushing-away behaviors on your part, unfortunately contributes to your own self fulfilling prophecies.

 

For example, having "relationship talks" when just dating. Or confronting someone when you get anxious about the pace of things. Or using preemptive strikes such as acting cold or indifferent in order to play games/elicit a response.

 

Try to reflect on your insecurities and need for instant relationships. Dating is merely a get-to-know-you period. It's not a relationship, even if you've slept together or see and/or text each other too much. Learn to pace yourself and you won't get strung along.

I’ve had bad experiences with guys just stringing me along or losing interest early in the relationship so I get kind of paranoid and hypersensitive to everything. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if it’s my own insecurity based on past dating experiences or my instinct telling me “he’s just not that into you”.

[melancholy123]

The guy is on vacation! Why should he be texting you a lot when he's off on holiday with his friends? You've only known him a month! You need to lighten up and realize he's off doing stuff with his friends. If you keep on like this you'll chase him away. Slow down.

[Iggy5129]

I've been with my bf for 2 years. When he goes out of town he barely contacts me....because he is busy! I don't get mad. You've only been dating for a month. Not even in a relationship. It's pretty rude to be on a trip with your friends texting a girl the whole time. Give the guy a break. It's really unfair to judge him based on how others have behaved. Give him a chance.

[j.man]

When he goes out of town he barely contacts me....because he is busy!

whaaaaAAaaAaAaaTT!??!?

[Ruili12345]

Thank you for the advice everyone! I definitely don’t blame him or think he was doing anything wrong by not really contacting me, he doesn’t owe me that at all. I just worried it meant he wasn’t that into me. But I can see the general consensus is that I’m overreacting and letting my insecurities get the better of me. Since I had been short with my last reply to him I decided to send him a funny picture about something from work and make a little joke just to show there was no bad feelings on my end. He replied right away and even told me he missed me. I’m definitely not gonna bug him at all and let him enjoy the rest of his vacation. I’ve kept very busy this week but when you’re into someone they’re always on your mind:) anyway again thank you for the great feedback!

[katrina1980]

Yes they are always on your mind and you are on their mind too, but that doesn't mean you have to be in constant touch.

 

Whether he's on vacation or home.

 

I happen to think a bit of distance is good even when in a "relationship" versus dating.

 

It's unfortunate that some people associate distance with meaning their partner doesn't care or lost interest because that is not always the case!

 

I am glad you sent him that meme and look how he responded!

 

So hopefully you just learned something!

 

That many men (and women) need their own space sometimes (whether on vacation or not) and when their partner is able to understand this with NO attitude, their partner will appreciate it and bring them closer (emotionally).

[Ruili12345]

katrina1980 I completely agree, a little distance is healthy at times and it's nice to miss each other and have personal breathing room whether dating or in a relationship. I'm a generally anxious over-thinker lol so it's a challenge to keep that in check at times. I definitely learned from this experience and am lucky I got good advice on here as my friends were split in their opinions. I think being inundated with all the "He's just not that into you" stuff can be valuable but has made people (myself) assume the worst if the guy isn't throwing a damn parade for you everyday lol.

[Lost 73]

he's on vacation give him some space/ Guys don't like being smothered. Guys tease each other and if he is on a guys vacation let him have his time. When he gets back I am sure he will fill you in and resume.

[Wiseman2]

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and things will work out for you. This made me laugh:

I think being inundated with all the "He's just not that into you" stuff can be valuable but has made people (myself) assume the worst if the guy isn't throwing a damn parade for you everyday lol.

[Ruili12345]

Thank you Wiseman2!!