Abusive ex in mental hospital

[Willard]

My ex-girlfriend is abusive. I won't get into how she is abusive because I could write a book about that this post is going to be long enough as it is.

 

Outside of that she has broken up with me several times just to come back with me within 24 hours. The last time I actually didn't take her back but on valentines day she surprised me with many romantic gestures and wooed me back in. The next day she was right back to her old abusive self. soon after, for the first time, I broke up with her and so it stands to this moment. I get a call from the metal hospital a week later. Apparently her co-workers learned of her plans to kill herself and had her committed. The mental hospital thinks she will be there for a very long time as they have since diagnosed her with seemingly every mental illness known to man.

Here is the problem. At this moment I don't want to get back together with her. I can't say that when she is released I won't reconsider but currently I don't see us reconciling. I have three ways to go:

 

1. Keep my distance knowing it will devastate her in a weak time and find a dead body in the bathtub when I get home. (yes we live together)

 

2. Stay together. Start over from the beginning. This will be more realistic as the time apart will allow us to work on ourselves and take a break from the cycle. Only this whole starting at the beginning and ended up here. Who's to say we won't end here again and I end up with a dead body in the bathtub.

 

3. Be there for her as a friend. Get her through this time without further emotional investment. Truthfully I can take a lot of abuse if it from someone who doesn't have unlimited access to my emotions but what happens when I meet someone new, want to start a relationship and she is the jealous ex I still talk to. I don't think this would be good for any new woman that comes along and it could prove worse for my ex's mental state in the long run watching me slowly drift away from her and into another relationship. and I find a dead body in the bathtub.

 

I don't want to be with her anymore. I have killed almost all the feelings I have for the sake of my own sanity. It would be relatively easy for me to move on but I have always felt a responsibility to leave my ex in the best mental state possible and I'm not sure how to do that now.

 

A lot can happen in a couple of months. Even if we manage to work it out over the course of the time she is away should I even give her another chance? If she gets help maybe we have a chance. If so, is it even worth chancing? She was a horrible person the majority of our relationship and I feel like if that is who she is should I even consider putting myself at risk again?

 

If more info on her abusive behavior is helpful for answering my question I can volunteer more details. I just figured it would take up unnecessary space.

[Wiseman2]

This is where she belongs, not in a relationship. Step out of this so she can get the help she needs. You ended it, so just sever all ties and block and delete her from everything.

Apparently her co-workers learned of her plans to kill herself and had her committed. The mental hospital thinks she will be there for a very long time as they have since diagnosed her with seemingly every mental illness known to man.

[reinventmyself]

The kindest thing you can do is to sever all ties from this woman.

She is seeking professional care and there probably won't be a better time to do so than now.

If you were to stay with the naïve hope that she'll change, you quickly learn that you'll have more of the same and will repeat the entire drama all over again.

 

You cannot `see her through this' difficult time because she has a mental illness that will be a lifelong struggle for her.

You mention she's was a horrible person throughout your relationship. What makes you think she'll be any different?

 

Her suffering a loss of a relationship may be the motivation she needs to get better. You sticking around out of guilt and resenting it is not helping anyone.

Either way, she has a very long road to go and a life long commitment to try to stay stable. You aren't up for that.

 

Accept this for what it is and know this is way over your head.

If you are looking for permission to walk away, consider it done.

I know it would be hard, but from what you described, necessary.

[rosephase]

Why do you only have three options? Where is the option where you move out so your no longer living with a mentally unstable ex?

 

You don't love her. You don't want to be in a relationship with her. She causes you a lot of pain. She is abusive. She isn't capable of being in a relationship and she needs a lot more help than you can give her.

 

You don't need to stay in this persons life. You need to take care of yourself. You need to get out of this situation where you are tied to someone who is abusive and unstable. Stay broken up with her and move out before she is out of the hospital.

[DancingFool]

First of all, stop playing amateur therapist. She doesn't need you, she needs what she is finally getting - concentrated psychiatric care from professionals trained and equipped to help her for real. While there, she will be advised to get out and keep out of relationships for a long time - until she has a handle on her mental issues. Your relationship and you continuing to stick around is actually toxic and will perpetuate a toxic cycle that will make it difficult for her to continue with improving her mental health. You need to get out of her way and stay out.

[Willard]

That was option 1

[Willard]

Thanks for the advise. Now the next issue is that I live with her. When she gets back I will have to interact with her. Trying to strike a balance from full on cold shoulder to just being friendly but not friends. She also probably wont have a job when she gets back meaning that the prospect of moving out wont be for a while. I can't just ignore her for months on end while worrying about her hurting herself. Its my house. I am not moving out. I also wont put her out on the streets.

[Wiseman2]

She must have friends or family who can help. Contact them and enlist their help in getting her a better safer place to live.

Now the next issue is that I live with her. Its my house. I am not moving out. I also wont put her out on the streets.

[rosephase]

Thanks for the advise. Now the next issue is that I live with her. When she gets back I will have to interact with her. Trying to strike a balance from full on cold shoulder to just being friendly but not friends. She also probably wont have a job when she gets back meaning that the prospect of moving out wont be for a while. I can't just ignore her for months on end while worrying about her hurting herself. Its my house. I am not moving out. I also wont put her out on the streets.

 

Doesn't she have friends or family? Don't you?

 

You don't have to live with her. It's your house. You can call her family and/or friends and explain. Move her stuff while she's still in the hospital. Then she'll be landing somewhere that isn't with an ex who doesn't want her around. That is a MUCH nicer way to treat her then to invite all that pain back into your life and try and ignore her until she moves out. Just move her out.

[DancingFool]

Thanks for the advise. Now the next issue is that I live with her. When she gets back I will have to interact with her. Trying to strike a balance from full on cold shoulder to just being friendly but not friends. She also probably wont have a job when she gets back meaning that the prospect of moving out wont be for a while. I can't just ignore her for months on end while worrying about her hurting herself. Its my house. I am not moving out. I also wont put her out on the streets.

 

What Wiseman said - contact her friends and family and enlist their help. She has to move out and she needs help from actual friends and family. The toxic relationship cannot continue with the two of you. Period.

 

Regarding your concerns about her killing herself, you've got to get out of this mindset that you are her keeper. You are not. If someone is serious about checking out of this world, you won't stop them and it will have nothing to do with you. It's about them, their issues and it's a very personal decision they are making. Someone serious about ending things, won't actually go around threatening suicide. They will just do it and they will make sure that they aren't stopped. Those who are talking, threatening, mildly harming themselves - it's a manipulative tactic for insert here ulterior motives of their choice. You don't stick around trying to babysit them, you have them committed. Basically, exactly what her friends did for her. Their approach is actually healthy and you should follow suit and press on with doing what is right for her - professional psychiatric treatment, family, friends.

[No1]

You honestly believe time away will help her? Are you trying to be the Knight in shinning armor and save her or be the one to cure her? Put yourself outside the situation for a moment and think of your female best friend or a family member you love. A cousin, mom, aunt, best friend in school or a childhood friend. And if she came up to you time and time again saying He beat me up, he talks down to me, he makes me cry, he is in a mental institution but he shows flashes of being a great boyfriend. What would you say to her?

Would you tell her the same thing? You have 3 options or would you say this is a perfect time to run for the hills?

Her mental issues are larger than you. She is in a mental hospital with a team of doctors, medications, and 24hr care to help her just be able to live in society without hurting herself or others and you want to believe she is going to come out of there a loving, wonderful GF? You want me to believe you are the one who is going to take the verbal and physical abuse (if that's what she is doing) and believe if you show her you love her that will change her?

Lets say she gets out of the hospital and you take the option of getting back with her. She will be on meds and how long will it take for her to abuse you again? But this time, its worse, she comes after you with a knife in the middle of the night or during a heated argument, she forgets to take her meds and tries to kill you. You will always be watching your back and fear for your life and that is the life you want to be in because every so often she shows she is loving?

If you think that will never happen, it can happen. I know and talk to people who lived with those that had schizophrenia or violent tendencies and its not easy. You are going to be in a constant fear fro your life. For years after the relationship they suffer. Cant sleep, night terrors when they do and that is what you are asking for. Ill say something positive and that is, you do have a good soul that you want to see her get well, but that doesn't mean you have to be there for her. Being with her will never be normal.

I would suggest for you to get counseling also. You are a victim of abuse and counseling will do you good. Good luck

[Willard]

You're right again.

 

Thanks for the help.

[Willard]

You guys are right. Thanks for your help.

[katrina1980]

 

I get a call from the metal hospital a week later. Apparently her co-workers learned of her plans to kill herself and had her committed. The mental hospital thinks she will be there for a very long time as they have since diagnosed her with seemingly every mental illness known to man.

 

There is not a hospital in the world who would make such a broad ambiguous diagnosis about a patient, let alone disclose to that patient's boyfriend.

[abitbroken]

1. Keep my distance knowing it will devastate her in a weak time and find a dead body in the bathtub when I get home. (yes we live together)

 

The first part is right on the money - the second part is you making speculations so as to subtly undermine the idea of keeping distance. They will not let her go home if she is still in danger of killing herself. If she has family - that is who she should be released to. I agree, there is no hospital in the world that would tell you these things about your girlfriend. Unless she signed papers to release information to you as her next of kin.

[MissCanuck]

How did you get the information about her diagnoses, and what exactly what she diagnosed with?

 

I agree with everyone else, OP. I know you don't want to see her suffer but you cannot continue living together. It won't help her and it sure won't have any benefit for you either.

 

If she is truly suffering from a host of mental illnesses, there is no "starting over." She can't go back to a time before she was mentally ill. She can certainly learn how to manage and cope within the context of her illness(es) and make improvements, but she can't undo it. You two would never forget the dysfunction of the previous relationship anyway, and it sounds as though you deserve a lot more.

[HeartGoesOn]

I get a call from the metal hospital a week later. Apparently her co-workers learned of her plans to kill herself and had her committed. The mental hospital thinks she will be there for a very long time as they have since diagnosed her with seemingly every mental illness known to man.

^

We now have "Hipaa laws," along with regulations that prevent the disclosure of personal information, and anything that can be disclosed must be done with written permission.

 

Having said that, I have to question the credibility of this quoted statement (above).

[Capricorn3]

^

We now have "Hipaa laws," along with regulations that prevent the disclosure of personal information, and anything that can be disclosed must be done with written permission.

 

Having said that, I have to question the credibility of this quoted statement (above).

I was wondering about that too.

[Willard]

She signed a release. As far as what she was diagnosed with I got that info from her. She didn't list out her diagnoses but she there were more than the two she already knew she had. That mean we are talking about a minimum of three mental disorders. You guy aren't really helping by attacking my credibility.

[No1]

She signed a release. As far as what she was diagnosed with I got that info from her. She didn't list out her diagnoses but she there were more than the two she already knew she had. That mean we are talking about a minimum of three mental disorders. You guy aren't really helping by attacking my credibility.

 

What matters is what you are going to do. I know your heart wants to stay, but I want to ask why do you wan to? Ive said it before that her issues are not going to magically go away. Its hard wired into her and no amount of love is going to cure her. I don't know if its thing that you want to save her, or be there if she becomes normal to say "I was with you", or if you would feel bad thinking you were abandoning her in her time of need, or whatever. There is a reason why you want to stay. Why do you want to put yourself thru that drama and issues when you don't have to?

[abitbroken]

She signed a release. As far as what she was diagnosed with I got that info from her. She didn't list out her diagnoses but she there were more than the two she already knew she had. That mean we are talking about a minimum of three mental disorders. You guy aren't really helping by attacking my credibility.

 

Understand that this is highly unusual for an ex girlfriend to sign that you are the one who can make medical decisions for them. Its not ordinary.

 

At any rate - i would contact her family if they don't know she is in the hospital and leave her in their hands.

[ThatwasThen]

Thanks for the advise. Now the next issue is that I live with her. When she gets back I will have to interact with her. Trying to strike a balance from full on cold shoulder to just being friendly but not friends. She also probably wont have a job when she gets back meaning that the prospect of moving out wont be for a while. I can't just ignore her for months on end while worrying about her hurting herself. Its my house. I am not moving out. I also wont put her out on the streets.

Change the locks. Before she is allowed to leave the hospital they will make sure she has shelter. You just have to tell them she can't go back there. It's your home. See a lawyer so you're doing everything legally.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. She will be interviewed by social workers as well as the doctors for a discharge plan. They will most likely recommend she move somewhere safe, not back to a turbulent situation where her mental health continues to deteriorate. Keep in mind when they took her intake history it included what factors led to her feeling suicidal and your frequent breakups and unstable, toxic live-in relationship will be discussed. Enlist the help of her friends/family to move her belonging back to them.

Change the locks. Before she is allowed to leave the hospital they will make sure she has shelter. You just have to tell them she can't go back there. It's your home. See a lawyer so you're doing everything legally.