Should I bother explaining why I didn't want a relationship

[somechick99]

I went out with a guy I met on a dating app, he wined and dined me and did little sweet things for me. We don't necessarily have tons in common but we did get along well. He told me off the bat he wasn't looking for just a hookup, and neither was I necessarily, but I don't go into relationships expecting a specific result. I let them flow as they may. We did not have a declared or exclusive relationship as we had only seen each other for maybe six weeks total.

 

Anyways, despite claiming he did not just want a hookup, he did several things our first couple weeks hanging out that caused me to put him in the "would not date" category, and could be taken as implications he did not want anything serious. Overall I think they were just clueless and mildly sexist actions. These things are:

 

1. Told me a story (out of the blue, NOTHING we were discussing warranted mentioning this) about how he once met a hot girl at a night club (he even went as far as to say she had a nice butt) but got a weird vibe about her. After their one-night stand, he snooped through her phone due to the weird vibe and found out that she was a prostitute. He confessed what he had saw and she admitted to it, and then he added that they "are still friends to this day." I personally found so many red flags in this story...aside from it being rude to describe some chick's butt he hooked up with on our date, he felt entitled to snooping through a one-night stand's phone?? What on earth? Plus he's now shared he hooked up with a hooker lol hope he wore protection

 

2. I was talking about how in NYC, promoters are paid to bring hot girls into night clubs, whereas in Vegas although it often works the same way, it is not quite as common unless you know someone affiliated with the club. He then said "Oh, there is more competition in Vegas I guess." Um, what? Maybe he misworded things, but the thought that other women are "competition" has sexist implications and does not sit right with me

 

3. EVERY time we were watching a TV show and a cute actress came on, he would announce that she is cute. This isn't necessarily a big deal, but it definitely does not scream that he wants something serious. It's also a bit strange to announce each time, as if he's insecure and feels the need to bring up other hot women constantly to compensate

 

Anyways, after hooking up for a bit I slowly started fading him out because I met someone who did not act in these odd manners who I click with more. Today he messaged me saying that he enjoyed our time together and it was clear that I am not ready for a serious relationship which is what he is wanting, but he wishes me the best. I replied by saying I wished him the best as well and did not elaborate, but part of me wants him to know exactly why I did not take him seriously.

 

Looking back, these behaviors should have been red flags from the get go and I should have not hooked up with him again as soon as I heard the story about the prostitute lol. I should have called out these bizarre behaviors as they happened but did not. And now, he is going to think that I passed up a chance for a serious relationship because "I'm not ready" when in reality a lot of it had to do with him.

 

Is it worth telling him at this point (kindly of course, but just so he can potentially learn) that his behavior led me to believe otherwise? Or should I just let it go as he likely won't gain anything from me telling him this? Thanks in advance

[DanZee]

Emily Post, the etiquette expert, suggested that people use "little white lies" as to not hurt the feelings of others. The "white lie" is preferable to dropping a bomb on someone. Part of the white lie is usually to accept the blame rather than blame someone else.

 

In other words, there is no need for you to be rude and tell this fellow how rude he is. It is best for him to think that it was you and not his fault for the break up. There is this revenge culture these days where people want to blab people out for cheating, or burn someone for this or that reason.

 

You have left things the way they should be left. Move on with your new boyfriend and forget about your ex-boyfriend. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

[melancholy123]

Emily Post, the etiquette expert, suggested that people use "little white lies" as to not hurt the feelings of others. The "white lie" is preferable to dropping a bomb on someone. Part of the white lie is usually to accept the blame rather than blame someone else.

 

In other words, there is no need for you to be rude and tell this fellow how rude he is. It is best for him to think that it was you and not his fault for the break up. There is this revenge culture these days where people want to blab people out for cheating, or burn someone for this or that reason.

 

You have left things the way they should be met. Move on with your new boyfriend and forget about your ex-boyfriend. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

 

Good advice. Let it go.

[somechick99]

Emily Post, the etiquette expert, suggested that people use "little white lies" as to not hurt the feelings of others. The "white lie" is preferable to dropping a bomb on someone. Part of the white lie is usually to accept the blame rather than blame someone else.

 

In other words, there is no need for you to be rude and tell this fellow how rude he is. It is best for him to think that it was you and not his fault for the break up. There is this revenge culture these days where people want to blab people out for cheating, or burn someone for this or that reason.

 

You have left things the way they should be met. Move on with your new boyfriend and forget about your ex-boyfriend. Let sleeping dogs lie, as they say.

 

I see your point. I have no intention of saying this in a mean way, but rather in a "It's not that I didn't like you, I just was confused by a few things that you did at the beginning of our relationship that made me think you didn't want anything serious. I guess it was a misunderstanding" or something along those lines. Not with the intention of revenge or making him feel bad, but rather bring to his awareness how his actions may prevent him from getting a serious relationship in the future with whoever the next girl is.

 

Not saying this is the course of action I will take, but I don't necessarily agree that it's rude to call someone else out for rude behavior, especially if done in a gentle manner. I would want to know if something I was doing was preventing men from wanting to date me seriously, if a serious relationship is something I was actively seeking. Not sure it's worth the effort to explain it though.

[Hollyj]

Leave it alone.

 

Number 1 is a huge red flag!

 

Number 3 is immature and disrespectful.

[DanZee]

Well, ENA always advises to cut off all contact with a previous bf as a way of healing faster, and I agree with that. So you should just forget the guy. And your motivation to tell him about his personality defects is coming from the fact that you don't want to accept the blame for the break up. You're not going to change this guy, it's not your job to find him girlfriends, and your attempt to "help" him will only backfire. There's no need to try to crush his ego, even politely. Just walk away.

[somechick99]

Leave it alone.

 

Number 1 is a huge red flag!

 

Number 3 is immature and disrespectful.

 

Solid points. Agreed

[IAmFCA]

I see your point. I have no intention of saying this in a mean way, but rather in a "It's not that I didn't like you, I just was confused by a few things that you did at the beginning of our relationship that made me think you didn't want anything serious. I guess it was a misunderstanding" or something along those lines. Not with the intention of revenge or making him feel bad, but rather bring to his awareness how his actions may prevent him from getting a serious relationship in the future with whoever the next girl is.

 

Not saying this is the course of action I will take, but I don't necessarily agree that it's rude to call someone else out for rude behavior, especially if done in a gentle manner. I would want to know if something I was doing was preventing men from wanting to date me seriously, if a serious relationship is something I was actively seeking. Not sure it's worth the effort to explain it though.

 

What I have found in most situations is that when I offer an explanation, I am implicitly inviting the other person to counter my decision. For example, using your proxy lamguage above, of course the other person would say, Well, if it was a misunderstanding, now that its cleared up, let's start again...

 

I recently ended something that never started, and he complained that I hadn't invited his input. Indeed, I hadn't. It was a unilateral decision, I gave no reason, I was not interested in discussion. I was no longer interested, period.

[somechick99]

What I have found in most situations is that when I offer an explanation, I am implicitly inviting the other person to counter my decision. For example, using your proxy lamguage above, of course the other person would say, Well, if it was a misunderstanding, now that its cleared up, let's start again...

 

I recently ended something that never started, and he complained that I hadn't invited his input. Indeed, I hadn't. It was a unilateral decision, I gave no reason, I was not interested in discussion. I was no longer interested, period.

 

Also a solid point. Whether or not I will continue seeing this person is not up for discussion in this case either. I won't message him again unless he directly asks me why I moved on

[somechick99]

Well, ENA always advises to cut off all contact with a previous bf as a way of healing faster, and I agree with that. So you should just forget the guy. And your motivation to tell him about his personality defects is coming from the fact that you don't want to accept the blame for the break up. You're not going to change this guy, it's not your job to find him girlfriends, and your attempt to "help" him will only backfire. There's no need to try to crush his ego, even politely. Just walk away.

 

For the record, I am not going to message him again as I agree that letting it go is the best and easiest course at this point. I feel I have already accepted blame for the breakup. I apologized to him for not communicating my feelings better and let him think I just wasn't looking for anything serious. My motive for saying something is partially anger fueled though, which I admit. I am angry with myself because this behavior should have been called out as soon as it happened. I also am annoyed that he did these rude and somewhat sexist things, and I get mad when men think they can get away with it. Though now the time to take action on this behavior has passed and I realize this. Thanks for your input

[figureitout23]

 

My motive for saying something is partially anger fueled though, which I admit. I am angry with myself because this behavior should have been called out as soon as it happened. I also am annoyed that he did these rude and somewhat sexist things, and I get mad when men think they can get away with it. Though now the time to take action on this behavior has passed and I realize this. Thanks for your input

 

I think it's safe to say we all knew there were ulterior motive to you telling him anything.

Based on your posts there's a pattern forming imo. Seriously look at the titles of your posts 'he caught feelings', ' he likes me but I don't like him', 'I want to tell him it's his fault', ' he cause feelings but I want someone else.'

 

These situations happen, don't get me wrong, we can't help out feelings but for it to keep happening? You're pretty young so you may be able to just chalk it up to age, but maybe pay attention to your dating patterns.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. He saved you the work of dumping him. Don't waste your time educating him on basic social skills. It will just drag things out and be perceived as you wanting him back, trying to negotiate and trying to fix him.

After their one-night stand, he snooped through her phone due to the weird vibe and found out that she was a prostitute. he messaged me saying that he enjoyed our time together and it was clear that I am not ready for a serious relationship which is what he is wanting, but he wishes me the best.

[somechick99]

I think it's safe to say we all knew there were ulterior motive to you telling him anything.

Based on your posts there's a pattern forming imo. Seriously look at the titles of your posts 'he caught feelings', ' he likes me but I don't like him', 'I want to tell him it's his fault', ' he cause feelings but I want someone else.'

 

These situations happen, don't get me wrong, we can't help out feelings but for it to keep happening? You're pretty young so you may be able to just chalk it up to age, but maybe pay attention to your dating patterns.

 

Lol my last post was about the same person. I see what you are saying though as it seems guys I don't think want something serious then later on reveal they do. In this case I just feel he should have been smarter and more aware of how he's coming across, and while there's no need to go back and drag things out with an explanation, I don't see any reason to feel bad tbh. He set himself up to not be taken seriously

[Sportster2005]

Absolutely, positively not. This is a bad idea, one of the worse I've read on here. No.

[catfeeder]

For the record, I am not going to message him again as I agree that letting it go is the best and easiest course at this point. I feel I have already accepted blame for the breakup. I apologized to him for not communicating my feelings better and let him think I just wasn't looking for anything serious. My motive for saying something is partially anger fueled though, which I admit. I am angry with myself because this behavior should have been called out as soon as it happened. I also am annoyed that he did these rude and somewhat sexist things, and I get mad when men think they can get away with it. Though now the time to take action on this behavior has passed and I realize this. Thanks for your input

 

The goal of new dating is to get to know someone and learn whether they are a good match or not. The goal of new dating is NOT to police a person into behaving as you'd prefer. I'd skip the whole 'correction' idea. The guy will either find someone who isn't insulted by him, or he'll figure out that commenting about other women to a date is a turn off. Either way, it's none of your concern. I like, "Keep your eyes on your own paper' as a rule of thumb.

 

Also, if you are relationship material, then I'd skip telling new dates that you're not looking for a serious relationship. That can translate badly into a lot of things. If you're dating to find someone with whom you share simpatico, which can eventually evolve into a LTR, then telling someone that from the gate is forthright and spares you any need to justify walking away from those with whom you see no long term potential.

[reinventmyself]

Maturity has taught me that it's not my place to teach a grown man how to be a better partner for the next person.

Though the things he said bothered you (they'd bother me too) they may not bother the next girl.

Therefore they'll be good match.

 

These are his values and how he views women. . Telling him to not let that fall out of his mouth the next time is

pretty pointless if he's still viewing it the same way anyway.

 

He's not your problem anymore.

Carry on.

[Batya33]

Maturity has taught me that it's not my place to teach a grown man how to be a better partner for the next person.

Though the things he said bothered you (they'd bother me too) they may not bother the next girl.

Therefore they'll be good match.

 

These are his values and how he views women. . Telling him to not let that fall out of his mouth the next time is

pretty pointless if he's still viewing it the same way anyway.

 

He's not your problem anymore.

Carry on.

 

Exactly. Two times I was begged for more specific feedback. And I gave it. In both cases they followed up months (and in one case a year) later and thanked me and explained how it helped. But any time I gave a specific reason -not to be rude at all -and not to be blunt -but yes, a reason - without being asked it didn't go well. "On reflection I just don't think we have enough in common to keep seeing each other" is more than fine. Certainly don't initiate that unless he asks you out again. He sounds kind of creepy/jerky.

[Jibralta]

Is it worth telling him at this point (kindly of course, but just so he can potentially learn) that his behavior led me to believe otherwise? Or should I just let it go as he likely won't gain anything from me telling him this? Thanks in advance

 

Let it go. Telling him won't change who he is. Also, by not telling him, you are giving another girl the chance to spot the red flags--he might not tell those stories if he realizes they worked against him like that. But you are lucky that he did because you learned who you were dealing with.