Early dating - did I screw it up?

[Broomwood]

Hi guys, I think I've made a blunder, but not sure, can you offer me your thoughts. I've known this guy for three weeks, and we went out a few times. I'd been to his house. And he had been to mine, and repaired a few things. We didn't have sex. I think we both like each other, and are def attracted to each other. After his visiting my house he started texting me a lot more, saying "I really enjoyed time with you. I can't stop thinking about you", and been in touch with me multiple times a day writing me proper long messages. We also had a dinner date on Monday. And kissed afterwords in the car. He had tried to be physical with me a few times before that, but I always acted aloof. This time after dinner, I thought that if I continue to act aloof, nothing will happen. So I kind of initiated the kiss, and he said, "I've been wanting this for a long time".

 

Some of his late text messages annoyed me, they had shame and judgments statements to them, what seemed like for a joke. "You're so odd, it makes me laugh! You're so mean!" You are so this and you are so that! I told him how these texts made me feel, and if he can do something about it. He responded very well, apologised profusely - it's all for a joke of course, and acted very caring, and very considerate. I was really touched by his response. And sent him a nice text back. Then he texts me again asking questions etc, distracting me basically, which I ignored, then he texts again, if I was by chance still upset, and how he was sorry, and how would he make it up to me. Gosh. I thought this behaviour was quite insecure. And as I was really touched by his care, and wanted to reassure him, I responded the following, "Oh my dear, I am not at all upset. You've done a wonderful job of reassuring me. I was really touched. I didn't respond because I was busy with a, b, c.. (was open about the a,b,c) Sending you a big kiss". I called him my dear in a sweet, friendly way, but we don't call each other like this. And from then on, he went distant.

 

His usually generous text messages changed to a line or two of small talk. He obviously freaked out. And I stopped responding to the small talk texts, what's the point. Usually he's in touch fist thing in the morning, "I am wishing you nice day. Big hug" kind of thing. Today is nothing. And I am not saying anything either.

 

Tomorrow we are meant to go to the theatre together, and I am feeling very uncomfortable going with him. I am wondering, did I do a blunder sending him that text, and it was too soon kind of, or was it not too soon, and it's just his problem. Can you offer me your impartial views please. And what do you think about tomorrow? I've got the tickets. I can just go alone or with a friend, and say to him I felt more comfortable this way should we speak again. What do you advise? Thank you!

[SweetGirl28]

Not sure, but sometimes those words are meant in a playful way, not to be taken seriously when someone likes

you. They can tease you like that. I don't think you texted anything wrong but I do think he's being careful as to

what he says now because he knows he offended you. That's not a really great start to the relationship.

You calling him "dear" would not scare him off, unless he took it in a sarcastic way, which when texting it's hard

to determine the tone behind the words, because you aren't hearing them spoken, just reading them.

You can call him , or if he texts you, tell him you want to talk over the phone. That will give you a better idea

of what he's thinking.

 

Anyway, if you feel uncomfortable, why bother anymore? Take a friend that you feel safe with.

[musicman777]

I think you both are getting too flustered over the text messaging game. I think there is a serious amount of over analyzing going on here with your responses, him not texting, and etc. And I also think it's just a little soon for some of the lovey-dovey messages but to each their own.

 

I would still meet the guy if you two are on, if you really like him anyway. I just think it's not blowing over some stupid misread text messages. But if you really don't feel comfortable, then don't go. The choice is up to you. I think, if you are uncomfortable simply over text messages, that would be a shame. If the guy in general gives you a bad vibe though, maybe pass.

[Sportster2005]

If the communication is this awkward and difficult, you're just not a good match.

[Keyman]

So, I would be taking his messages as banter. But since you have only given us a hint of what he said, it's hard to say.

 

But when he apologies and chats more, you start judging him insecure? I honestly don't think that you two connect well via text as you are obviously WAY over thinking things and as has been already said, it is easy to misconstrue text messages.

 

I honestly don't see this going much further.

[Broomwood]

Thank you very much, SweetGirl, Sportster, Musicman, Keyman! I appreciate you guys have responded.

 

The communication is not generally that difficult or awkward, no. Well, if he texts today or tomorrow about the theatre, I'd go, and try to talk it over. If not, I am not going to contact him myself, I don't think. I feel very exposed over calling him my dear and reassuring him like this, and getting a cold shoulder back.

[Batya33]

I think you both are getting too flustered over the text messaging game. I think there is a serious amount of over analyzing going on here with your responses, him not texting, and etc. And I also think it's just a little soon for some of the lovey-dovey messages but to each their own.

 

I would still meet the guy if you two are on, if you really like him anyway. I just think it's not blowing over some stupid misread text messages. But if you really don't feel comfortable, then don't go. The choice is up to you. I think, if you are uncomfortable simply over text messages, that would be a shame. If the guy in general gives you a bad vibe though, maybe pass.

 

Yes, I totally agree with this.

[j.man]

I'd go, and try to talk it over.

What do you aim to "talk over?"

[Broomwood]

What do you aim to "talk over?"

 

Clarify the misunderstanding. His banter annoyed me a bit, but we cleared it. I liked how he handled it, and felt appreciative which I expressed in my text. I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion. But I still wanted to see him.

[Broomwood]

Yes, I totally agree with this.

 

Would you contact him about the theatre or wait till he does? And if he doesn't, would you do it?

[Andrina]

"I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion." I would find it rude for someone not to respond at all. If it were me, I would've responded and added, "I have such and such a thing to do now, so I'll talk to you later."

 

I'd also have serious discussions or arguments in person or with a phone call. Texting lacks intonation and makes things worse than they were intended to be.

 

I don't know if you can salvage things or not. If it doesn't work out, you can assume he might've been a jerk, after all, with his judgmental texts. With OLD, I ended things with many prospects, some before I'd even met them because of inappropriate things they said, and at least one ended it with me after I said something stupid. It's common, in the early stages of dating, to misunderstand each other or to be annoyed if you don't mesh. If it doesn't work out with him, your fate lies elsewhere and you can start fresh with someone else. Good luck.

[Andrina]

As for the theatre, since you have the tickets and you seem to want to go with him, I'd call, not text, to hear what his attitude is. Then you can discuss going to the theatre and see if he's still interested.

[Broomwood]

As for the theatre, since you have the tickets and you seem to want to go with him, I'd call, not text, to hear what his attitude is. Then you can discuss going to the theatre and see if he's still interested.

 

Thank you, Andrina! Wise words. OLD is this case. After our first date where we spent four hours, a very long time for me, I walked out feeling quite exhausted and annoyed. His hard science approach to things tired out and annoyed me, as did his judgmental nature, and I remember thinking I'd just be more annoyed down the road. But since then we did very well, and I wasn't any more annoyed, until these texts. And by then I already started liking him. However in hindsight, I should have listened to myself.

 

OMG, I'd be mortified to call him after I have exposed myself enough already. And we never call, only WhatsApp.

[Batya33]

Would you contact him about the theatre or wait till he does? And if he doesn't, would you do it?

 

I guess you can contact him but if you decide to keep seeing him no more texting or messaging unless it's to make or confirm a plan or you're running late. Talk on the phone or in person. Period.

[j.man]

I wouldn't be having serious discussions or arguments like this after three weeks, period, whether in person, over the phone, or on WhatsApp.

 

Respectfully, I'm noticing a trend with you and 1) putting way too much emphasis and interpretation behind text messaging and 2) over communicating both with picking bad battles and doing so too early, if ever there is a good time for it.

 

Especially when it's quite early into dating, you should be taking in the person's character, not openly picking at or communicating flaws or incompatibilities along the way. To be fair to you (and I think this is advice I've actually given you), he probably should not be teasing over SMS altogether, never mind with someone who hasn't been exposed to him nearly enough to be able to read it with the tone or message intended. Still, in your shoes (and having been there myself), it's a bit thin-skinned and presumptive to take it as him genuinely calling you out as Oscar the Grouch's twin sister.

 

You insinuated that there hadn't been any indication he was anything other than interested in you, so I'd have given him the benefit of not then taking it upon himself to outright judge you over SMS, and simply let him know (assuming it so offended you and you needed to voice your feelings at all) that you're sure he was joking but that you can have a hard time sussing out playful jabbing over texts. Quick and painless, no one's on the defensive, no one's wrong, and he's got the opportunity to amend his communication of his own accord.

 

Is it ruined? I don't know. Seems like there's been some push and pull before and after the SMS ordeal, not to mention the ordeal itself. Sounds like it could be a cookie cutter case of incompatibility. Wear your best "fun time" hat to the theater. You told him how you felt, he's apologized, and enjoying yourself around him is going to provide him 300x the reassurance than having yet another conversation about it would. At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it.

[Broomwood]

I wouldn't be having serious discussions or arguments like this after three weeks, period, whether in person, over the phone, or on WhatsApp.

 

Respectfully, I'm noticing a trend with you and 1) putting way too much emphasis and interpretation behind text messaging and 2) over communicating both with picking bad battles and doing so too early, if ever there is a good time for it.

 

Especially when it's quite early into dating, you should be taking in the person's character, not openly picking at or communicating flaws or incompatibilities along the way. To be fair to you (and I think this is advice I've actually given you), he probably should not be teasing over SMS altogether, never mind with someone who hasn't been exposed to him nearly enough to be able to read it with the tone or message intended. Still, in your shoes (and having been there myself), it's a bit thin-skinned and presumptive to take it as him genuinely calling you out as Oscar the Grouch's twin sister.

 

You insinuated that there hadn't been any indication he was anything other than interested in you, so I'd have given him the benefit of not then taking it upon himself to outright judge you over SMS, and simply let him know (assuming it so offended you and you needed to voice your feelings at all) that you're sure he was joking but that you can have a hard time sussing out playful jabbing over texts. Quick and painless, no one's on the defensive, no one's wrong, and he's got the opportunity to amend his communication of his own accord.

 

Is it ruined? I don't know. Seems like there's been some push and pull before and after the SMS ordeal, not to mention the ordeal itself. Sounds like it could be a cookie cutter case of incompatibility. Wear your best "fun time" hat to the theater. You told him how you felt, he's apologized, and enjoying yourself around him is going to provide him 300x the reassurance than having yet another conversation about it would. At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it.

 

Thanks very much, Jman. That's a substantial response with many good points. I like your closing line, "At this point, it's only as big a deal as either of you make it". He's making it big - no texts from him today compared to his usual mini avalanche of texts. And I am just standing by and watching.

 

Oh we had lots of fun, and my fun hat was mostly on at all times. And the texts were fun and flirty mostly. He put in so much effort to convince me that he was interested. He made me soup. He repaired a few things in my house, and offered to help with more. We planned to go for another dinner next week. And if I responded warmly after so much attention, it's only normal, and if he goes missing pretty much, it only tells me one thing - this guy isn't ready for emotional intimacy. His history I think is a good judge - he separated 13 years ago, and didn't remarry. He offered me some stats, but mostly hush-hush about what it was like for the thirteen years. "50% with someone, 50% without". "But surely, in the thirteen years you met some nice girl.." "Um, no one I really wanted to stay long term with". I think it's basically a big red flag. Am I going to entertain a thought that I am going to be different from the 50%? Nah.

 

I don't feel like contacting him tomorrow about the theatre. If he does so fine, I'll go. And maybe I'll put on my fun hat on. But as of now I don't feel like it.

I think it maybe a case of cookie cutter incompatibility.

[JaggerJim]

Sounds to me like his texting skills need serious work. He's just blubbering nervous statements left right and centre.

 

Go out with him again to make him more comfortable around you. If he continues his tragic texts, re-evaluate.

[Broomwood]

Sounds to me like his texting skills need serious work. He's just blubbering nervous statements left right and centre.

 

Go out with him again to make him more comfortable around you. If he continues his tragic texts, re-evaluate.

 

Oh yeah, he is completely insecure with girls, and doesn't have much success. He probably fallen out of his tree when I became interested in him.

[katrina1980]

Clarify the misunderstanding. His banter annoyed me a bit, but we cleared it. I liked how he handled it, and felt appreciative which I expressed in my text. I didn't respond to his further texts because there was no substance discussion. But I still wanted to see him.

 

Hi BW. Honestly, I think you may be a mis-match.

 

I say that because clearly he enjoys fun banter (as reflected in his texts which offended you) and you don't. They offend you.

 

You say you didn't respond back because there was nothing of "substance." Why does there always have to be something of substance?

 

I'm sorry I am making it sound like there is something "wrong" with always wanting substance, what I meant was not everyone enjoys substance all the time, sometimes it's just fun to laugh, banter and play!

 

So. My sense is he enjoys fun banter and he likes teasing you (which IMO is good thing, it means he likes you!). NOT that he isn't capable of substance, only that "substance" all the time can be exhausting for some people.

 

As I said sometimes it just fun to relax, tease and play.

 

But if you don't enjoy that, that's OK too, no wrong or right. Just not right for each other, which may be the case here.

[Broomwood]

Hi BW. Honestly, I think you may be a mis-match.

 

I say that because clearly he enjoys fun banter (as reflected in his texts which offended you) and you don't. They offend you.

 

You say you didn't respond back because there was nothing of "substance." Why does there always have to be something of substance?

 

I'm sorry I am making it sound like there is something "wrong" with always wanting substance, what I meant was not everyone enjoys substance all the time, sometimes it's just fun to laugh, banter and play!

 

So. My sense is he enjoys fun banter and he likes teasing you (which IMO is good thing, it means he likes you!). NOT that he isn't capable of substance, only that "substance" all the time can be exhausting for some people.

 

As I said sometimes it just fun to relax, tease and play.

 

But if you don't enjoy that, that's OK too, no wrong or right. Just not right for each other, which may be the case here.

 

Hi Katrina!

 

Thank you, yes, I get that. To get to the heart of the matter, I think we are just not right for each other. Lights off. :)

[Batya33]

"and if he goes missing pretty much, it only tells me one thing - this guy isn't ready for emotional intimacy. His history I think is a good judge - he separated 13 years ago, and didn't remarry. He offered me some stats, but mostly hush-hush about what it was like for the thirteen years. "50% with someone, 50% without". "But surely, in the thirteen years you met some nice girl.." "Um, no one I really wanted to stay long term with". I think it's basically a big red flag. Am I going to entertain a thought that I am going to be different from the 50%? Nah."

 

I've been told in the past mostly that I took myself too seriously. Never a fan of that comment but it probably had some truth to it. I think you take yourself too seriously and I think assuming he has intimacy issues just because he might not click with you reveals a lot about your mindset and could be a reason you find yourself in these way too complicated situations early on. If he decides not to see you again it might be because you're just too much work too early on -he wants easy banter, including over text and you're analyzing the banter. Neither of you is wrong just as Katrina wrote you're a mismatch.

[katrina1980]

Hi Katrina!

 

Thank you, yes, I get that. To get to the heart of the matter, I think we are just not right for each other. Lights off. :)

 

I'm sorry BW, I mean since you like him, you must be disappointed. :(

 

But it's only been three weeks so better sooner than later and it's good you're assessing these things rather than get caught up in the chemistry, and excusing incompatibility like I used to do!

 

>>"You're so odd, it makes me laugh! You're so mean!"

 

It's funny how different people are as I'm always saying stuff like this to my bf. It's all in fun though, and you would NOT believe how much he teases me!

 

He always has from the beginning and I absolutely love it. The night we met, that's pretty much all we did, bantered, teased and had fun.

 

Course as a science guy (he's a medical doctor) he is also super smart (and sort of nerdy which I also like) so we often have very substantive convos as well, about life, love, the universe lol, and anything else that strikes our fancy.

 

You just need to find someone who understands you, you understand him, and you like what you're understanding about each other.

 

From knowing you, you seem more the "serious" type, a bit intense, which is ok but you need to find a man who digs that type of dynamic, again no wrong or right.

 

Sure chemistry is important too but honestly life is so much easier when you're with someone you get and don't have to struggle to understand or figure out. And vice versa of course.

 

Took me a long time to understand this (and find it!), but so worth it.

 

Best of luck moving forward!

[Andrina]

Just as a side note since you met him on OLD. Don't ever go to his house when you don't even know him, and don't let him know your address and let him inside your home so soon. That's dangerous activity. As an example, I went on a first date with a guy (we had a meal at a diner) who I found to be very attractive. He had a good job, a nice car, a normal story of his first marriage and breakup. We talked about pleasant things like how he'd been on a softball team.

 

On the second date, we still met up at a neutral place and thank God he didn't know where I lived, since his crazy came out that night. Nothing physical, just mentally bonkers.

 

It's best to meet up in public until you get to know a date long enough to fully trust that they won't do you harm or stalk you at your home if things don't work out. Sometimes your gut doesn't tell you what you need to know.

[abitbroken]

"and if he goes missing pretty much, it only tells me one thing - this guy isn't ready for emotional intimacy. His history I think is a good judge - he separated 13 years ago, and didn't remarry. He offered me some stats, but mostly hush-hush about what it was like for the thirteen years. "50% with someone, 50% without". "But surely, in the thirteen years you met some nice girl.." "Um, no one I really wanted to stay long term with". I think it's basically a big red flag. Am I going to entertain a thought that I am going to be different from the 50%? Nah."

.

 

Im sorry, but the fact that he didn't remarry says nothing. It means that maybe he took time to work on himself and didn't immediately. My guy had a serious relationship that ended 15 years ago and never met anyone lasting after because he took 2 years to not date anyone and then got a job that involved lots of travel, working afternoons when he was home which made it nigh impossible to meet someone and was in a male dominated field where dating colleagues was forbidden (as if there was more than 3 women). He one day decided enough was enough and seriously rearranged things so he could meet someone. If i held him by the same measure as you do, i would have rejected him. When in fact, it is better that he didn't end up in a long relationship with someone who wasn't a match just to be in a relationship.

[LootieTootie]

Oh yeah, he is completely insecure with girls, and doesn't have much success. He probably fallen out of his tree when I became interested in him.

 

To be honest, I think you may be a extra touchy over texts. I think the issue lies with you.... I don't think you messed up, I do think its a wake up call for you to assess why you take jokes so personally when someone doesn't know you well. You may be the one that is insecure, not him.