journeynow Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 He told me he had no intention of filing. He just needs to be on his own to find himself. I know someone who this happened to; her husband left and returned years later saying he had needed "to find himself", or maybe it was "be free". Now he has health problems and is back home. In the meantime, she carried on caring for their children and home and herself. And she accepted him back. It's up to you to make your own choice about this. It's not for him to tell you what you can or cannot do about your son. And if you decide you want to file for divorce you can without his permission. You don't have to decide that yet. But you may need legal advice sooner rather than later about debt and responsibilities. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 He says I cannot move right now because of my son - its my biological son, not his. He rented a place after his first marriage went sour and he says he will not do that again. He wants a house and place to garden. He wants property. I know he prefers property he can hunt on. We had always talked about moving after my son graduated but he just can't wait 2yr anymore. The commute is killing him. He is burnt out on it and our marriage. I guess I thought it was a good thing that he wasn't talking divorce yet. IDK. I could handle him being gone and coming home on the weekends. I don't know that I could handle him being gone and being in limbo two years. I took today as a positive. I knew he was wanting to leave but I didn't know what he was planning. He hasn't spent that much time looking at the property that I know of. I felt kind of good clearing the air but I suppose its cause I'm just in denial. We have plans to spend the day together on Friday. I was like I'm not sure why - you will just be grumpy with me. He said will not be grumpy and assured me he will not be grumpy again. I just have to put my best foot forward and let him see that I'm not faking. I am the woman he married. I got lost along the way. I realized how my actions hurt him and hurt us and I'm not going back there again. Okay HE SAYS that you can't move yet. That's YOUR CALL to make. Its almost like the breakup with my first boyfriend "i don't want to be together- i can't date anyone right now, but if i did i would date you." Its the breakup where you have made up your mind. If he wanted land, he would have looked at a property that was 2-5 acres with a little shed or barn on it and no house and have a garden. Lots of people do that and use the little barn to store things. Just like some guys have a hunting cabin. To me, if someone told me that they didn't want to be with me, i would not be jumping through hoops to prove myself. if you don't want me -- go to someone else's couch until you decide. That can become abusive - making someone constantly jump through subjective hoops. its one thing if you had to prove you won't have a drink if you are a recovering alcoholic - but that's something measurable that you can prove - and its clear. he wants to set you up to never be able to achieve what he wants. Putting your "best foot forward" won't change his mind because there is no way to know what to make him happy Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 I know someone who this happened to; her husband left and returned years later saying he had needed "to find himself", or maybe it was "be free". Now he has health problems and is back home. In the meantime, she carried on caring for their children and home and herself. And she accepted him back. It's up to you to make your own choice about this. It's not for him to tell you what you can or cannot do about your son. And if you decide you want to file for divorce you can without his permission. You don't have to decide that yet. But you may need legal advice sooner rather than later about debt and responsibilities. I see what you are saying. I think I like the level of trust that either us not be filing anything at this point in time. It feels like I can actually breathe again today. I was so scared of the unknown. Am I happy he feels he needs to buy a place of his own - no. Do I understand his intentions better - yes. All I can do is take it one step at a time. Link to comment
thealchemist Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Your husband sounds like a child in a tantrum. He refuses to do anything. Then complains about his situation. He blames everyone else for all HIS problems. He gets angry and wants to take it out on you. The worst part is that you totally condone his behavior and exacerbate it by buying into all his "why me?!?!" bull. I wanted a garden at my house but we have only dappled light on our yard. So I got myself to work and cleared 15 60ft trees. I wanted a newer motorcycle but couldn't afford a nice one so I did research and picked up a very cheap but good quality one. I didn't like my commute at my last job so I got a new one. He is just b*tching about life's problems and putting all the blame on you for it. When I have a problem I try to fix it. I don't mope and whine like a child and then blame my wife. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 I agree with thealchemist about the way he is behaving. Maybe time away and space apart will make this clearer. In a way he's stonewalling you, Catsmeeow, he's unhappy, hasn't left, won't accept anything you do, won't include you in his decision-making, doesn't trust you because he's made mountain ranges out of molehills. Maybe this is his mid-life crisis and he can't see anything clearly. It does sound like you can use a break to catch your breath, take a step back, and gather your strengths about you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Why not suggest this rather than all the circular relationship talks and chronically rehashing the past? At least it a solution to both of your problems. Can you afford your place and supporting yourself on your own? Did you work while you were married last time? Surely you receive child support from your son's father. I could handle him being gone and coming home on the weekends. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Why not suggest this rather than all the circular relationship talks and chronically rehashing the past? At least it a solution to both of your problems. Can you afford your place and supporting yourself on your own? Did you work while you were married last time? Surely you receive child support from your son's father. Because sadly that is NOT an option right now. He is so burnt out he feels he needs to be completely free of any responsibility to me. I cannot suggest it. He will dismiss anything I suggest. Where he is at right now - everything has to come from him or he will shut down and withdraw. I'm not saying he is right but I am not saying he is wrong. Just because I want to suddenly "fix" things and be different he just can't flip a switch to say he is suddenly happy. I get that. He has to feel that the changes are real long lasting. He has said over and over if he lets me back in but in 2yr its slips back to where it was before he will feel screwed over. I cannot dismiss his feelings that he was hurt by me. There are his feelings and no about of telling him to get over it will help. He has to be the one to see change, trust change and to want to stay because of that change. I do say that I need to do something different. I'm exhausted. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 Can you afford to support yourself and your son? Who is supporting you and your huge mortgage now? Why did you agree to put "him on the deed", but keep the mortgage, taxes etc in your name. That's crazy. Why can't he have a place locally and visit weekends? Why do you refuse to suggest things that would ease tension? He is so burnt out he feels he needs to be completely free of any responsibility to me. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Can you afford to support yourself and your son? Who is supporting you and your huge mortgage now? Why did you agree to put "him on the deed", but keep the mortgage, taxes etc in your name. That's crazy. Why can't he have a place locally and visit weekends? Why do you refuse to suggest things that would ease tension? It would be a stretch but I can support myself and my son in our current home. I put my husband on the deed because he was contributing financially to the house and if something were to happen to me he would have ended up homeless and that was not acceptable when he has kids he is raising too. Trust me - right now I am all for my husband finding a local place and coming home on weekends. HE IS NOT. Right now he says HE can't afford to move out. And, when he does move its to get away from me and this commute to be alone for some amount of time? His name was on the mortgage at one point but at the last refi to cut our interest rate by 50% I had to go it alone. It's weird. The program we went through wouldn't take his bankruptcy being over 6 yr old to be stable BUT the same company was fine with it for the previous refi 2 1/2yr earlier. My husband had to file bankruptcy as his exwife did not keep her financial agreements per divorce and left him hanging for everything. I'm not refusing this - its just not his idea or what he has in the plans for himself at the moment. Link to comment
journeynow Posted February 21, 2018 Share Posted February 21, 2018 He has said over and over if he lets me back in but in 2yr its slips back to where it was before he will feel screwed over. This^...he's not willing to put in any effort to make your future relationship better than before, no improvement in communication or problem solving. You have the same argument, that in 2 years what if he decides you have hurt him (for knitting? for sleeping? when he wanted attention and he took that to mean you reject him whether you did nor not) he could shut you out and leave. It's true his feeling are his feelings, but his interpretation of your actions is skewed and he is unwilling to interpret it differently. He is contradicting himself, though, if he says he needs to be completely free of any responsibility toward you, yet he doesn't plan on filing for divorce. Has he moved out yet? Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 This^...he's not willing to put in any effort to make your future relationship better than before, no improvement in communication or problem solving. You have the same argument, that in 2 years what if he decides you have hurt him (for knitting? for sleeping? when he wanted attention and he took that to mean you reject him whether you did nor not) he could shut you out and leave. It's true his feeling are his feelings, but his interpretation of your actions is skewed and he is unwilling to interpret it differently. He is contradicting himself, though, if he says he needs to be completely free of any responsibility toward you, yet he doesn't plan on filing for divorce. Has he moved out yet? He has no immediate plans to move out but yes... he has plans... I do not know his timeframe. He has a piece of property that he is interested in but there are no livable structures on it so he would have to build. Is he staying here with a small open mind that things could change? I do not know but I don't think so. He seems adamant that he needs to be alone to learn to like himself again. All I can do is continue to show him in baby steps (not over doing it like last weekend) that I'm the woman he married. The one who isn't going to reject him any longer. I have to take a step back and see what he does I guess. I still want to heal our marriage. Link to comment
BeenThereB4 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 It does sound like your husband is done with your marriage. There comes a point where people just check out of a relationship permanently and their mind is completely made up. This seems to be the case with your husband. It seems like the two of you got married without really knowing each other and are incompatible. Why did you never take the time to learn about his interests? This seems strange to me. Was he equally uninterested in the things that you enjoy? Couples don't have to do the same hobbies. But, they should have at least a basic understanding about each other's interests. This doesn't come from researching things on the internet. It comes from listening to your spouse and asking pertinent questions. This is part of bonding and it is very important. You had seven years to express interest in him, but you didn't. You couldn't touch him while knitting, But, you could have talked to him. Was the primary attraction between the two of you physical? That type of attraction cannot be sustained long-term without a deeper attraction to each other's personalities. Maybe this is why you stopped having sex with him. It seems like there was a real disconnect from the very beginning. How long did you know each other before getting married? He's on his way out the door. There isn't really anything keeping the two of you together. As painful as it may be, I think you should let him go. He should make a clean break though and move out now, not just when it's convenient for him. That isn't fair to you. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2018 Share Posted February 23, 2018 Throughout this thread,it seems you ask yourself a lot of rhetorical questions then answer them yourself often with "I don't know", as if you are guessing based on your own assumptions. You seem to contribute to the breakdown of communication and alienation of affection quite a bit, as much as he has. Neither of you are taking any steps to heal your marriage, no less "baby steps". I do not know his timeframe. I do not know but I don't think so. I still want to heal our marriage. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 I've taken a break and a step back. I've been working on myself and not to feel so panicky/spinning wheels - over thinking anything my husband is doing. In doing so my husband is more interested in me. While he is not specifically discussing our marriage he makes future statements where I'm still in the picture dotted with a few statements where I am not and he is just focusing on himself. I can see he is just overall torn and feels stuck in his life. We have been doing a better job of communicating. There haven't been any big blow ups for a couple of weeks. I've been pulling away and that is taking the pressure off him enough that he is seeking me out. He is actually coming to me and asking to do things with me. In the last week he actually comes and looks at me... really looks at me again. We are finding passion with each other again. We are still a ways off from everything is great again. Still have some areas of friction but it is getting better. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 8, 2018 Share Posted March 8, 2018 Great news! If you continue to work on yourself emotionally and physically you will be good no matter what happens. If things work out you are in a great place to make your marriage stronger and happier than ever and if it ends then you will be that much closer to healing. Funny how when the chase stopped the prey turned around to seek you out. Your love is valuable, you are valuable and he isn't the only man that will want you. Remember that. I would guess he is starting to see just how much he is going to miss when you are gone. Lost Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted March 8, 2018 Author Share Posted March 8, 2018 I am in a good place right now. :-) I'm relaxed and accepting that things are in limbo. I can only work on myself and the only person I can control is myself. My husband seems a little less stressed. He is not being completely transparent, but I think it will get better if I just give him some more time and space. I don't know what is going to happen in the future but I have more hope now that our marriage can be saved than I had 5 weeks ago. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted March 9, 2018 Share Posted March 9, 2018 Nobody knows what will happen in the future. Remember men are visual creatures and often times want what they cannot have. Keep getting back in shape (for yourself), spend time with friends, once the weather improves go for walks after dinner and generally do not wrap your whole life around him. Trust me he will notice. It may seem like you are tricking him but what you are really doing is getting back to the woman you once were before both of you got comfortable. Get your sexy confident self back up front and live your life and it will be very attractive. He is somewhat needy in my eyes which the way I was raised is hard for me to grasp but you love him and he loves you. He does need to make some changes and grow as well too. Make sure you are not doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. Lost Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 Its been over a month now. My marriage is back on track! It wasn't easy for sure. My husband seems happier than ever and now we are both working on the relationship. We certainly were very close to divorce and if I hadn't been invested in staying married we would have quickly become another statistic. It was a huge emotional rollercoaster and I learned a lot about myself. We seem to be on the same page again with what we want from each other and future plans. I'm glad I stuck it out. Our marriage is in a different plane than it was before - its evolving and thats a good thing! Link to comment
Seraphim Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 That is so awesome! I am glad. :) Link to comment
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