I don't want a divorce

[abitbroken]

Of course we had those conversations. And, I have seen for myself the issues between my husband and his ex.

 

I'm just overwhelmed right now by everything. That I'm in denial. That there is nothing I can do to save my marriage. My husband is checked out and not interested in rebuilding bridges.

 

It takes two to tango. If he has issues between he and his ex, what carried over into your marriage?

 

If he doesn't want to save the marriage - or if he does - you cannot or should not put up with him constantly saying "i am looking for land/buying a house". - You have addressed everything he brought up as a complaint, including being willing to relocate but he tells you no to everything you are doing to try to improve. if he keeps telling you he is looking for a house just for him and not the family, then you should tell him he has a choice -- he can either stay and work on the marriage or stay with a friend while he looks for a house or figures out what he wants. If he does stay, then there is no more conversation about him looking for a house and throwing it in your face every day.

 

In the meantime, have you asked an attorney some questions - that you own a home with your husband that you owned before you got married and now your husband is talking about going out and buying a house for himself without you because he wants to leave. how do you set up seprate maintenance so that he doesn't take you for your house and your paycheck. You don't have to file divorce, but you can at least have your ducks in a row.

[ayeh422]

Hey it sounds like you know the problem is needs not being met which is a good place to start. I think if you can get back to focusing on meeting his needs the relationship will heal.

I’ve found this series of videos helpful in my own life, hope it can help you. he has a bunch like this if you search under tony robbins case study:

http://youtu.be/LsqTZZUM--M

[ayeh422]

this is a nice summary of his approach:

http://sourcesofinsight.com/how-to-master-relationships/

[Wiseman2]

Did he say this? Is he refinancing? You seem to not have any facts on what he is actually doing. Why keep inferring/assuming things based on your bad marriage when you are both still stalled out neither wanting to change, improve anything nor take steps toward divorce. You both refuse to improve your finances, communication, commute, shifts, health or anything. What shifts do you have and why is that suddenly a problem? Who makes more money?

He is looking to run away from the $1300 mortgage. The new mortgage is just for him... not for "us" and its because he is leaving the marriage.

[CatsMeeoow]

Did he say this? Is he refinancing? You seem to not have any facts on what he is actually doing. Why keep inferring/assuming things based on your bad marriage when you are both still stalled out neither wanting to change, improve anything nor take steps toward divorce. You both refuse to improve your finances, communication, commute, shifts, health or anything. What shifts do you have and why is that suddenly a problem? Who makes more money?

 

We have weekly meetings about the bills and income. We are learning to work together rather than it being my 100% responsibility. He is not refinancing the house - the mortgage is in my name. He is looking at HIS options and not OUR options. He has a realtor and he is prequalifying for a mortgage on his own. My husband makes more money than me. He is making a slow exit.

 

We had a good weekend but he has gone dark again. Left for work on Monday and its like I don't exist again. He has noticed "the NEW me". Is it enough to get him to reconsider leaving our marriage? I do not know.

[journeynow]

The more you share about him, the more I think this is about him and not you, nor about what you did or did not do in the past.

 

Knitting, sleeping, managing the checkbook are not intentional rejections of HIM, but he is making it to mean that because it serves him in some way. You could just as easily make his hunting or commuting long distance mean rejection of you. People give their own meaning to things and then use it to be unhappy and lay blame. He talks about his self-esteem, but please note that self-esteem is not about others holding you in esteem but the esteem you give yourself. He has issues and he is not working to heal them, he is just looking to blame and hurt you. You can pretzel yourself into a new version of you, but he needs to be willing to be a new version of himself, someone who stays and works on improving communication and roles and options, not someone who harbors resentment over imagined rejection and throws in the towel without actually leaving.

[Seraphim]

We have weekly meetings about the bills and income. We are learning to work together rather than it being my 100% responsibility. He is not refinancing the house - the mortgage is in my name. He is looking at HIS options and not OUR options. He has a realtor and he is prequalifying for a mortgage on his own. My husband makes more money than me. He is making a slow exit.

 

We had a good weekend but he has gone dark again. Left for work on Monday and its like I don't exist again. He has noticed "the NEW me". Is it enough to get him to reconsider leaving our marriage? I do not know.

Yeah, of course he kicked you to the curb because he is going to work . He doesn’t need to be nice now. And I bet he was checking your pc and checking up on you because he wants to “ catch you” so he can blame you for something else. People who do this are playing on the side. Believe me. This woman at work is no friend.

 

He is planning a choochy exit for himself. Stop feeling guilty woman!

[Wiseman2]

What is the "NEW me"? As you know, the demise of your marriage is not due to "knitting instead of holding hands". You reinstated sex, so he should have stopped beating you up about that, no? How long did you live like roommates? It seems the only thing you acknowledge is the "commute being stressful". It seems he has fallen out of love but cares about you and wants to leave the marriage but has agreed to help you financially/restructure debt until you are more independent and can afford to live on your own.

 

Have you noticed that he is trying to lose weight/get in shape or improving his image, such as a new vehicle/motorcycle? Even though you are adamant that there is no one else, he tells you he "feels trapped", "can't foresee the future", "is checked out" and did not want marriage counseling. You insist that because he still comes home and wears his ring, that you can rule out that possibility. As another poster advised, he is at the very least having an emotional affair. Why else would someone "feel trapped"?:(

He is looking at HIS options and not OUR options. He has a realtor and he is prequalifying for a mortgage on his own. My husband makes more money than me.

[thealchemist]

That's the box I used to put him in - get used, etc.

 

He would balk that I couldn't understand. I don't ride and I can't possibly get it. He is right I don't get it, but I see now how he does. The way he talked to the sales guy about bikes. My husband knows his stuff. I also understand with an old injury he needs hydrolic clutch which is only on newer bikes. Harley is a passion... talk to people who think you don't own a Harley you don't have a bike.

 

My husband has had to go without and do for less for so long. He really does deserve something that HE wants. I will not begrudge him that or continue to place a "budget" of what he can spend on a bike. He has put me and my child along with his children all before him. It is HIS time. I want to support that but I feel that I have left him feeling "starved" for so long that he is bolting out the door.

 

He is calm and makes sense in his texts to be about his feelings. It was hard to hear because in them he isn't thinking about me but only of what he needs. He is really in an unhappy place. :-(

If financial issues are there then why would you even look at buying a Harley?

 

I've road motorcycles since I was a child.

 

I can buy a brand new Honda shadow for 1\3 the cost of a harley, it be much faster than a Harley, and more reliable with better gas mileage.

 

My Kawasaki ninja cost 3k and gets 55 mpg. It also blows any Harley out of the water.

 

I just can't fathom how dumb it would be to buy a Harley.

[CatsMeeoow]

Yeah, of course he kicked you to the curb because he is going to work . He doesn’t need to be nice now. And I bet he was checking your pc and checking up on you because he wants to “ catch you” so he can blame you for something else. People who do this are playing on the side. Believe me. This woman at work is no friend.

 

He is planning a choochy exit for himself. Stop feeling guilty woman!

 

My husband is NOT having an affair. I am not in denial about this. Its not about someone else - its about finding himself. He is unhappy and doesn't like himself. He wants to be alone.

[thealchemist]

My husband is NOT having an affair. I am not in denial about this. Its not about someone else - its about finding himself. He is unhappy and doesn't like himself. He wants to be alone.

You cannot know with certainty that he isn't. He very well may not be.

 

But your level of denial is obvious when you state that you know he isn't.

 

Because you cannot possibly know that.

 

Many people who need to find themselves jump into another's arms instead.

 

I am not saying he is, just that you cannot know.

[CatsMeeoow]

What is the "NEW me"? As you know, the demise of your marriage is not due to "knitting instead of holding hands". You reinstated sex, so he should have stopped beating you up about that, no? How long did you live like roommates? It seems the only thing you acknowledge is the "commute being stressful". It seems he has fallen out of love but cares about you and wants to leave the marriage but has agreed to help you financially/restructure debt until you are more independent and can afford to live on your own.

 

Have you noticed that he is trying to lose weight/get in shape or improving his image, such as a new vehicle/motorcycle? Even though you are adamant that there is no one else, he tells you he "feels trapped", "can't foresee the future", "is checked out" and did not want marriage counseling. You insist that because he still comes home and wears his ring, that you can rule out that possibility. As another poster advised, he is at the very least having an emotional affair. Why else would someone "feel trapped"?:(

 

He is NOT having an affair. He is leaning on friends for support for how he feels but there is no one else.

 

He said this am that his defenses are WAY up. He thinks I'm being fake. When I let go of being the NO person and said he can get a motorcycle or new truck AND now he says he can't afford it... it was pointed out by a friend I was trying to butter him up for something. Then he said its just a way to keep him trapped with me rather than allowing him to move into a house closer to work. He says right now his defenses are so far up that its not possible to penetrate them at this time.

 

I kick myself because I didn't want to talk about the relationship this morning... :-(

 

He feels trapped because he works and does a lot in another city and only sleeps in our city. He has no connections or ties to our city. There is nothing here for him. He wants to go do things but if he does then he is coming home later and too tired the next day for the commute again. He feels he has nothing to show for all the hard work he has done. He feels trapped here. It has nothing to do with another person and frankly more to do with some mild depression and mid-life crisis. He just said life is too short not to live it well. He is frustrated.

 

We have plans on Friday... We had a nice time this weekend. I'm not looking forward to spending the day with someone who can't look at me.

[Wiseman2]

Have you asked him directly if there is someone else?

he said its just a way to keep him trapped with me. He feels trapped because he works and does a lot in another city. He just said life is too short not to live it well.

[CatsMeeoow]

Have you asked him directly if there is someone else?

 

Yes, and even qualified with types of affairs.

 

He has said WAY too many hurtful things and I know if he was having one he would have told me. He has been honest with everything else.

[CatsMeeoow]

You cannot know with certainty that he isn't. He very well may not be.

 

But your level of denial is obvious when you state that you know he isn't.

 

Because you cannot possibly know that.

 

Many people who need to find themselves jump into another's arms instead.

 

I am not saying he is, just that you cannot know.

 

Maybe - but I know my husband mindset right now. It really is about finding who he is and being self reliant. I know what he is into and what he watches and pursues. It really is about being alone.

 

Its just does he have to leave for now? or forever?

 

We talked this am and he said things I didn't really know. Like if we moved he didn't care what kind of job I had and he expected I might go from job to job for while. He didn't care as long as I was contributing. I felt I had to stay in my field doing what I'm doing now which is limited at times looking for opportunities in a new city.

 

Its killing him I didn't take his last name but he told me he was okay with it when we married. Hell I'd change it now - but then he will just think I'm buttering him up.

 

We have both made mistakes. I really regret mine but he does't care. He is past the point of caring anymore.

[thealchemist]

Anything you do is either nice or not.

 

If it isn't nice you are being a b*tch.

 

If it nice you are just buttering him up to manipulate him.

 

You do realize how #ucked your position is?

[journeynow]

Its killing him I didn't take his last name but he told me he was okay with it when we married....

 

It's not "killing him", it's not a life and death thing. If he said it was ok then and is using it against you now then he is dishonest.

 

On the one hand you say you know his mindset, and on the other you say he just told you things you didn't really know. He's good at hiding things until he feels like revealing them.

 

So, his wedding vows, did they state "until my mid-life crisis" or "until I find things to be resentful about"?

[CatsMeeoow]

Anything you do is either nice or not.

 

If it isn't nice you are being a b*tch.

 

If it nice you are just buttering him up to manipulate him.

 

You do realize how #ucked your position is?

 

Yes there is nothing I can do. We seemed to have a nice weekend but then he retreats again. Its back to the commute and what he hates.

 

I just want to go home and clear the air and discuss things and get back on track. He wants to NOT talk about it. I want to say I'm sorry for the mistakes and take steps that would heal our marriage. He wants to be left alone. I miss him and and I miss us but it must really be too late for all that.

[thealchemist]

It was too late as soon as he stopped caring

[journeynow]

Yes there is nothing I can do. We seemed to have a nice weekend but then he retreats again. Its back to the commute and what he hates.

 

I just want to go home and clear the air and discuss things and get back on track. He wants to NOT talk about it. I want to say I'm sorry for the mistakes and take steps that would heal our marriage. He wants to be left alone. I miss him and and I miss us but it must really be too late for all that.

 

I feel like he's undermining the tracks and blaming you alone. I'm sorry, I know you miss what you had and what you believe you could be. Take a break if you can, be kind to yourself. Refuse to beat yourself up any longer.

[Wiseman2]

Instead of confiding to women friends at work that he is "trapped" and that you don't understand him and a friend saying "you are faking it to keep him trapped" and looking to buy a home without you near work and shutting you?

I know if he was having one he would have told me.

[CatsMeeoow]

We just had a pretty intense conversation. He is unhappy that we keep talking about the relationship but I learned quite a lot.

 

We discussed some decisions we had made a few years back in our marriage - we had tried to have kids. He always wanted more kids. I had wanted more kids. It was going to be difficult with what we had to go through and we took a couple of years before we pulled the trigger. We didn't have kids. I was crushed. I could not ever discuss my disappointment or heartache with him but it came out in other ways. He distinctly remembers I just snapped at him all the time for no reason. I don't even remember doing it. Its taken me years to even be able to tell him how heartbroken I was. We had made an agreement if it didn't work we would stop. We wouldn't keep at it. I had been the one to push for that agreement and I wanted to honor it. I didn't want to spend years trying and failing. I tried to look okay with it but I was devastated. I don't think he ever knew my pain. I don't think he ever stopped to ask why was I lashing out like that.

 

Its been years now and I've found peace with the fact that our children are all about the same age and we can be active with them - no one left out or anything or having to stay behind with the younger ones.

 

Today he made a comment that hit below the belt. It brought all that back to the surface.

 

He told me he had no intention of filing. He just needs to be on his own to find himself. To buy a piece of property and pay his own bills. He says I cannot leave this house for 2yr because it would be terrible to pull my son out of school this close to graduation. He said after 2yr if we are still together then perhaps I change jobs and relocate then.

 

He says he has been unhappy for awhile and I expect him to be happy again overnight. He says its going to take time - maybe a couple of years? He says he thinks I'm being fake - that I am buttering him up for something or trying to keep him trapped. All the changes are just too much and its throwing all his defenses up and right now they are up so high there is no way for me to penetrate them right now.

 

I hate that we argued. I hate that he is going to bed angry.

 

I just have to leave him alone. He has to figure this out and I cannot do anything for him.

[Wiseman2]

What did you learn? You mentioned all this multiple times before.

He is unhappy that we keep talking about the relationship but I learned quite a lot.

[abitbroken]

We just had a pretty intense conversation. He is unhappy that we keep talking about the relationship but I learned quite a lot.

 

We discussed some decisions we had made a few years back in our marriage - we had tried to have kids. He always wanted more kids. I had wanted more kids. It was going to be difficult with what we had to go through and we took a couple of years before we pulled the trigger. We didn't have kids. I was crushed. I could not ever discuss my disappointment or heartache with him but it came out in other ways. He distinctly remembers I just snapped at him all the time for no reason. I don't even remember doing it. Its taken me years to even be able to tell him how heartbroken I was. We had made an agreement if it didn't work we would stop. We wouldn't keep at it. I had been the one to push for that agreement and I wanted to honor it. I didn't want to spend years trying and failing. I tried to look okay with it but I was devastated. I don't think he ever knew my pain. I don't think he ever stopped to ask why was I lashing out like that.

 

Its been years now and I've found peace with the fact that our children are all about the same age and we can be active with them - no one left out or anything or having to stay behind with the younger ones.

 

Today he made a comment that hit below the belt. It brought all that back to the surface.

 

He told me he had no intention of filing. He just needs to be on his own to find himself. To buy a piece of property and pay his own bills. He says I cannot leave this house for 2yr because it would be terrible to pull my son out of school this close to graduation. He said after 2yr if we are still together then perhaps I change jobs and relocate then.

 

He says he has been unhappy for awhile and I expect him to be happy again overnight. He says its going to take time - maybe a couple of years? He says he thinks I'm being fake - that I am buttering him up for something or trying to keep him trapped. All the changes are just too much and its throwing all his defenses up and right now they are up so high there is no way for me to penetrate them right now.

 

I hate that we argued. I hate that he is going to bed angry.

 

I just have to leave him alone. He has to figure this out and I cannot do anything for him.

 

He is not trapped. he is your husband. He voluntarily married you. You "keep talking about the relationship" because he keeps talking about how his needs aren't met and how he is leaving.

How long between the time his divorce was finalized and you started dating? Did he monkeybranch?

 

I am sorry that you were not able to have another child. I know what that feels like to not have one when you want one.

 

And so he is leaving his son with you to finish school while he goes off to find himself? you are supposed to raise all the kids while he gets rid of all responsibility and when you attend the graduation of a boy you helped raise, he'll walk out the door and go with his dad and will cut you out of his life? It happened to a friend of mine - they got to the point of the stepdaughter being graduated from college and then filed for divorce and skipped town while my friend had paid for half of her college expenses even though she was a stepdaughter and her biological parents should have done that.

 

If he is buying a house, then he does not want space. He wants to divorce but wants to hang onto you so you can't move on because if he just needed time to clear his head, he would crash with a buddy, rent a room or a small apartment near work. He would then most likely start to realize what he is doing and start to come home more and more. He doesn't want to say divorce because he wants to be the "nice guy".

 

Buying a house is BS. He can fulfill his need to manage something on his own by buying a rental property and playing landlord.

 

"if we are together in two years" is BS. Like i said, if you bought a small place near work were he crashed during the week - different story. Be prepared to call him with Amber's voice i the background.

[CatsMeeoow]

He is not trapped. he is your husband. He voluntarily married you. You "keep talking about the relationship" because he keeps talking about how his needs aren't met and how he is leaving.

How long between the time his divorce was finalized and you started dating? Did he monkeybranch?

 

I am sorry that you were not able to have another child. I know what that feels like to not have one when you want one.

 

And so he is leaving his son with you to finish school while he goes off to find himself? you are supposed to raise all the kids while he gets rid of all responsibility and when you attend the graduation of a boy you helped raise, he'll walk out the door and go with his dad and will cut you out of his life? It happened to a friend of mine - they got to the point of the stepdaughter being graduated from college and then filed for divorce and skipped town while my friend had paid for half of her college expenses even though she was a stepdaughter and her biological parents should have done that.

 

If he is buying a house, then he does not want space. He wants to divorce but wants to hang onto you so you can't move on because if he just needed time to clear his head, he would crash with a buddy, rent a room or a small apartment near work. He would then most likely start to realize what he is doing and start to come home more and more. He doesn't want to say divorce because he wants to be the "nice guy".

 

Buying a house is BS. He can fulfill his need to manage something on his own by buying a rental property and playing landlord.

 

"if we are together in two years" is BS. Like i said, if you bought a small place near work were he crashed during the week - different story. Be prepared to call him with Amber's voice i the background.

 

He says I cannot move right now because of my son - its my biological son, not his.

 

He rented a place after his first marriage went sour and he says he will not do that again. He wants a house and place to garden. He wants property. I know he prefers property he can hunt on.

 

We had always talked about moving after my son graduated but he just can't wait 2yr anymore. The commute is killing him. He is burnt out on it and our marriage.

 

I guess I thought it was a good thing that he wasn't talking divorce yet. IDK. I could handle him being gone and coming home on the weekends. I don't know that I could handle him being gone and being in limbo two years. I took today as a positive. I knew he was wanting to leave but I didn't know what he was planning. He hasn't spent that much time looking at the property that I know of.

 

I felt kind of good clearing the air but I suppose its cause I'm just in denial. We have plans to spend the day together on Friday. I was like I'm not sure why - you will just be grumpy with me. He said will not be grumpy and assured me he will not be grumpy again. I just have to put my best foot forward and let him see that I'm not faking. I am the woman he married. I got lost along the way. I realized how my actions hurt him and hurt us and I'm not going back there again.