I don't want a divorce

[abitbroken]

He won't let you commute because he may be thinking about making a clean break perhaps. But in some ways - it wouldn't solve the problem completely because one of you would still not be home that many hours after work. I would just tell him "we have a better chance of a new mortgage if i am in the job I am in when we apply for it. I would start a job close to the new house once the house closed and everything was wrapped up (29 years at the same company looks better than a new job).

 

Maybe? But 2 I know have been friends since childhood and I know without a doubt he hasn't and will not ever go inappropriate. The other two I know less of but my husband has been brutally honest. I am painfully honest. So I can't imagine he would say all those other things and be lying about this. He does know where I draw the line in this marriage. He told me he has thought about crossing it just to hurt me/get back at me but he hasn't yet. I'm fairly certain of it.

 

But, again the more I give him the third degree about it the more he will withdraw and that isn't going to pull him closer to me.

 

Stop giving him the third degree. Are you sure your questions about hunting don't sound like you are "checking up on him" versus interest as well?

The more you question him every day, the less he will talk to you. So stop it. Calculate what you are going to do - whether its personal counseling, whether its starting to look for houses, whether its kicking him out behind the scenes and in front of the scenes, be present, be available, but don't push him to share, etc.

[Seraphim]

I get that he felt rejected and he is angry. But that doesnt mean he gets to emotionally abuse you while you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to please him.

[CatsMeeoow]

He says he would never ask me to commute because he hates it so much that he would never do that to me. He would never ask anyone to commute after his personal experience.

 

As for the hunting questions they are very minimal and not the nature of checking up. I all honesty I will ask something basic and he digresses into much more. I give him my full attention. I won't interrupt and ask him to stop and honestly just enjoy the conversation.

 

But, I see your point of having to take action. Some kind of action. I get the vibe doing anything more than resume work would not sit well with him. He would question my motives and right now he does not want to talk mortgages or housing options. Right now I think daydreaming about properties is just something he needs to escape our issues and my bringing it up and putting my stamp on it is causing him to retreat.

[journeynow]

He says he would never ask me to commute because he hates it so much that he would never do that to me. He would never ask anyone to commute after his personal experience.

There's a difference between him asking you to commute, and you choosing to commute by your own choice.

[CatsMeeoow]

Yup....

 

But he will not allow me to commute... he has come to loathe the drive and will not accept that I may not mind.

[journeynow]

My husband states "I apologize if I misled you". Me: "misled me how?". Husband: "that I answer to you".

 

But he will not allow me to commute... he has come to loathe the drive and will not accept that I may not mind.

 

Well, things have changed and you don't answer to him. He's emotionally out the door and you can make decisions on your own. Keeping on as you have doesn't seem to be the solution. Start making the choices you want instead of putting your choices on his shoulders. Your choices may or may not improve things for him, but if you make choices that YOU want to make, it will benefit you no matter what.

[CatsMeeoow]

Today has been hard. I've made mistakes. I'm lonely for sure and probably shouldn't have texted but I don't see him beyond 5minutes with his current schedule.

 

Either way any comfort I got from his closeness last Thursday is plagued by cold and distance since.

 

I guess I just give up. He just pulls farther away.

[journeynow]

You are right I need to stop comparing one day to the next.

 

Either way any comfort I got from his closeness last Thursday is plagued by cold and distance since.

 

Give yourself a break and stop focusing on him and trying to figure him out. He's made himself clear. What will you do with you? What small thing can you do right now that is better for you in any way?

[Seraphim]

Give yourself a break and stop focusing on him and trying to figure him out. He's made himself clear. What will you do with you? What small thing can you do right now that is better for you in any way?

 

I agree make plans regarding yourself.

[CatsMeeoow]

I have to accept that my husband is done.

 

He brought up the words "controlled separation" today. Its the first time he has said this. My only response is that all the books I've read or the counselor I am seeing says that separation is not recommended or the best. He counters that his therapist mentioned it and its what he is hearing from his support group of people.

 

My actions left him feeling rejected and lonely. He regrets getting married. He feels he is at fault and that he was trying to be someone he is not. I know who my husband is - he is hunter, he rides motorcycles, he works hard. But, he saw my actions/conversations added to I would not to motorcycle things with him??? That I did not support him putting food in the freezer for his family??? I must have been a terrible person to live with if that was his take away from me. Of course I initially balked at a deer head on the wall but after that round a year ago I have come to accept and now WANT a deer head on the way.

 

Of course if I say these things to him he is feeling that I'm just changing to appease him and not because its what I really want. But, seriously its what I really want.

 

I bought up moving again today and changing jobs. He frankly asked what if in 2yr after I move and change jobs I'm unhappy and start reverting to rejecting him again?? I tell him I won't reject him. I made my mistake in not showing him my love appropriately and I wouldn't make that mistake again. He said getting married was mistake but I reminded him that if I hadn't dropped the ball and left him feeling lonely he wouldn't be saying that. I don't think he would be saying to me "I don't love you" if I had continued the hand holding and signs of affection.

 

I'm gutted that its my actions that got us here. He has said I ruined the marriage. I have listened to how he feels and I have acknowledged how he feels but I try to let him know that I didn't feel that way. That I have always loved him and I'm sorry that I didn't show it better.

 

He admitted our marriage counselor was a complete B**** . He said she made assumptions and really hadn't asked nearly enough questions of us to have a grasp and what was going on. I agreed and said I'd like to try again with someone else but he said it would be too much work.

 

He is only here right now because he wants bills taken care of so I can support myself. He is afraid if we stay together I will revert back to the person who rejected him.

 

There is nothing else I can do.

[journeynow]

He brought up the words "controlled separation" today....

 

....He regrets getting married. He feels he is at fault and that he was trying to be someone he is not.

 

... He said getting married was mistake ....

 

... He has said I ruined the marriage....

 

Did you abuse him, physically or emotionally? Did you cheat on him? Have you not touched him or made love with him this whole time?

 

I'm sorry, but it takes two, and you are here now, listening and willing to change. He's the one that has shut the door emotionally. If he sincerely tried to find ways to communicate his concerns over the past two years and you heard but refused to listen, then he as a point. But if he is now looking to blame and is unwilling to work with you, then why not have him move out? He can still pay bills. You said you were fine before him, and the house was yours then, so why do you need him to pay bills in order for him to leave? I know you don't want a divorce, but do you want this? I would stop looking for him to change his feelings, and if I were in your shoes I'd make new choices and take new actions, without discussing with him. Stop talking to him about your relationship. You might agree to not discuss it for the next 30 or 60 days. It just seems so unproductive, and you are torturing yourself.

[Seraphim]

did you abuse him, physically or emotionally? Did you cheat on him? Have you not touched him or made love with him this whole time?

 

I'm sorry, but it takes two, and you are here now, listening and willing to change. He's the one that has shut the door emotionally. If he sincerely tried to find ways to communicate his concerns over the past two years and you heard but refused to listen, then he as a point. But if he is now looking to blame and is unwilling to work with you, then why not have him move out? He can still pay bills. You said you were fine before him, and the house was yours then, so why do you need him to pay bills in order for him to leave? I know you don't want a divorce, but do you want this? I would stop looking for him to change his feelings, and if i were in your shoes i'd make new choices and take new actions, without discussing with him. Stop talking to him about your relationship. You might agree to not discuss it for the next 30 or 60 days. It just seems so unproductive, and you are torturing yourself.

 

amen!!!......

[CatsMeeoow]

He came home. I downplayed Vday a great deal. I had a card and some fresh fruit with chocolate and a cute nightie but nothing that screamed over the top.

 

Not interested.

 

Okay. That was a possible reaction. I thought we would talk about the bills briefly and as in the past he would spend more time being chatty but not today. We ended up in the same conversation about how he felt rejected by me and he now no longer cares. He had stated again that he would have preferred I was screwing around on him because then there was a reason he was being rejected but instead he feels I rejected him for no reason. I was adamant I never wanted anyone other than my husband. How awful it must have been living with me if I made him feel that way. I was a total fool in showing my affection if that is how it left him.

 

He tried to say why did I make an effort for Vday - I never have before. I did remind him that yes we have gone out to fancy dinners and to Las Vegas on previous Vdays. I only bought minimal fruit and a card. He asked how much I spent on the nightie and told him it was truly from my drawer and had for years and he has seen it before. He asked why I was wearing something like that. I answered truthfully - to get my husbands attention.

 

He feels was trying to conform to what I wanted as a husband. And, I'm telling him that I support who he is and never meant to have him feel otherwise. Being self reliant is so important to him - hunting, gardening and those things I truly do not object too but he is feeling that I'm suddenly changing now? I tried to explain that its not a sudden change its just I wasn't clear with him my actual thoughts.

 

Motorcycles are important to my husband. My experience in motorcycles is limited but is marked by a pyschological scar when I was 5ishyr old. My father had a near fatal accident on bike. I remember being so scared and seeing my dad pretty banged up. Yes, I know my husband is not my father. I have other experiences being a passenger and I have fond memories of those times too. So part of it was fear. Part of it was my husband was always saying he was getting a new boat, a new bike, a new truck and the other fear was the fear of being in debt. I am unable to get my husband to see this issue from my eyes. While I can step into his shoes to see his perspective... a wife always telling him no and holding him back, I can't get him to see it from my shoes.. :-(

 

He says there are absolutely things I could have done different but ultimately I hurt him too much. He said he will not give me the chance to hurt him again. When I say I still want this marriage he says he does not.

[Wiseman2]

Please talk to your personal therapist about this and consult an attorney to see what could/would happen in the very likely event of divorce. He wants out. He's pushing you away. Stop beating your head against the wall. Why not talk about separation and what he wants from that and how things will be handled? For example he wants to move to where his family and work is. Why not suggest that? This will give you time apart to reflect and cool off rather than staying in arguing loops. Stop "reminding him".

When I say I still want this marriage he says he does not.

[Seraphim]

Consult an attorney and ask him to leave.

[Seraphim]

I know this is very sad and you want to remain married but he has said no very clearly in many ways. And it is clear he will continue to abuse you mentally because you are allowing it. If he wants out he needs to leave. Period. Call an attorney.

[CatsMeeoow]

Yup - working tons of overtime to avoid me and then driving 60miles just for a bed is just creating more resentment.

 

He even said yesterday that he knows he can't expect to continue living here while he is having a house built. But, I can't just kick him out. I won't expect him to go live with his parents and I know he is not wanting to live in an apartment.

 

He just came out of the bedroom. He gets something to eat and then comes to the room I'm sitting in to eat. He could easily go to any other room. He states the one day he doesn't drink a ton of caffeine so he can get some sleep I talk his ear off and then ex-wife calls him 5 times. I let him know that I'm sorry his daughter is sick and won't be coming for a visit with him today. He asked what I was doing. I explained I was following up with an email after my son's annual IEP meeting and it was decided that he no longer needed services. He asked questions as to why and gave me his thoughts/concerns about it. It was nice that he would discuss it with me rather than say he's my kid and he has no opinion. I let him know I hadn't planned anything for dinner because he is usually at the church with his daughter. I asked if he was up for going to a local restaurant for dinner. He said he didn't know. He said he may go out by himself because that what he usually does on Wednesday while his daughter is in church youth group. I just said ok. He eventually left my space and went back to watch tv in another room.

 

I won't treat him badly. From his perspective I've done that enough leaving him feeling so hurt and rejected. He made plans to spend the day with me next Friday last weekend. He asked me to take the day off of work to do it. I think the best plan right now is to cool off and do a better job of giving him space, stop bringing up the freaking relationship and see what happens on Friday. I accept the fact my husband doesn't currently love me, he will not take the risk of being hurt again, and he doesn't want to work on the marriage right now.

 

I'm afraid right this moment talking about separation will lead me to cry and beg and that's not cool.

[journeynow]

he knows he can't expect to continue living here while he is having a house built.

 

He's having a house built? I think you need to see things as they are. As much as you love him, you two might just not be compatible.

 

You knitted while he sat next to you, how horrible is that? You are on different work/sleep schedules and needed your sleep, how horrible is that? You juggle multiple roles and are responsible for children and your job, how horrible is that? Come on, he is just looking for reasons to blame you for his unhappiness and he refuses to do anything but complain and blame. This his who he is, and it is not so wonderful.

 

I think you should talk to a lawyer and perhaps a therapist and start planning for changes to your life. From the sound of it, you are not willing to take action in that regard, and I understand going around in circles in hopes it can be fixed, but so far the circles are not working.

[Seraphim]

He's having a house built? I think you need to see things as they are. As much as you love him, you two might just not be compatible.

 

You knitted while he sat next to you, how horrible is that? You are on different work/sleep schedules and needed your sleep, how horrible is that? You juggle multiple roles and are responsible for children and your job, how horrible is that? Come on, he is just looking for reasons to blame you for his unhappiness and he refuses to do anything but complain and blame. This his who he is, and it is not so wonderful.

 

I think you should talk to a lawyer and perhaps a therapist and start planning for changes to your life. From the sound of it, you are not willing to take action in that regard, and I understand going around in circles in hopes it can be fixed, but so far the circles are not working.

Totally , agree.

I crochet next to my husband all the time. He doesn’t blame me for being a horrible person. We both work a lot. He knows that.

 

Your husband is not happy in HIMSELF. Mid life crisis or whatever. Stop letting him emotionally flog you for life being busy.

[CatsMeeoow]

He's having a house built? I think you need to see things as they are. As much as you love him, you two might just not be compatible.

 

You knitted while he sat next to you, how horrible is that? You are on different work/sleep schedules and needed your sleep, how horrible is that? You juggle multiple roles and are responsible for children and your job, how horrible is that? Come on, he is just looking for reasons to blame you for his unhappiness and he refuses to do anything but complain and blame. This his who he is, and it is not so wonderful.

 

 

When put like that of course he sounds very self centered and I'm sure if he could take a step back he might make those realizations as well but I cannot dismiss his feelings. They belong to him. Whether accurate or not he feels that I rejected him. Now in a conversation last week when discussing something I said I have only and always been attracted to my husband - he honestly said then why did you reject me so much?

 

I was fine to be in the same room with him knitting away while he is next to me. He needed me to be touching him. Its how he feels appreciated and loved.

 

We were out window shopping and stopped by the confectionery for my husband to get fudge just before Christmas. He picked out what he wanted as I am not a fudge fan but then he noticed homemade peppermint bark which he knows I LOVE! He bought some for me. At that moment I felt loved and appreciated.

 

Has my husband been a cad at times - of course. When I came home and complained what a terribly long day I had he quipped that I was not allowed to have long days. That my longest day was still shorter by 2hr than his day. He had a point. He spends a lot of time in his car every week. Was he a jerk for saying it that way - absolutely. I won't excuse all his behavior.

 

But, he came to me honestly and openly to talk about the hurt he felt and how he struggled with his own self worth because he couldn't figure out what he had done and why I had rejected him. He used to think I was just angry all the time so he gave me space. I should have really listened and taken him seriously when he suggested marriage counseling but I didn't see the problem.

 

So because I suddenly realized 3 months ago that my marriage and my husband mean everything to me and I will work to fix the problem he will welcome me with open arms and be grateful? I expect to have to do some work which I have been. Have I made mistakes - yes almost daily.

 

I hear what everyone here is telling me - see a lawyer and separate.

[Seraphim]

No, he has a right to his feelings and to state that he’s hurt . He does NOT have a right to do things to hurt you on purpose and then say ha ha I did it on purpose to hurt you . He does NOT have have a right to say I probably won’t be with you in a year and I don’t want to be in this marriage but hey let me use you to stay in this house . Nope. That’s inexcusable and nasty . THAT is what you are allowing him to do because you love him and feel bad . And really it is just teaching him that he can treat you like crap and get away with it . I know for me if my husband had said half the things that your husband said my ass would be in the car and I’d be gone .

[Seraphim]

And my mother told me you never judge a person on how they treat you when life is going great . You judge them on how they treat you when the chips are down. Anybody can be nice when things are going good .

[CatsMeeoow]

No, he has a right to his feelings and to state that he’s hurt . He does NOT have a right to do things to hurt you on purpose and then say ha ha I did it on purpose to hurt you . He does NOT have have a right to say I probably won’t be with you in a year and I don’t want to be in this marriage but hey let me use you to stay in this house . Nope. That’s inexcusable and nasty . THAT is what you are allowing him to do because you love him and feel bad . And really it is just teaching him that he can treat you like crap and get away with it . I know for me if my husband had said half the things that your husband said my ass would be in the car and I’d be gone .

 

I do see that but when he came to me and we talked about things he was calm, not yelling, not name-calling. He told me his story. The pain he has carried. How he has come to dislike himself so much because he couldn't figure out why I would toss him aside. Granted that was NOT my perception but it was his. It was how he felt. Of course, he is human and he did admit that my being hurt and lonely did cause some stir of satisfaction at my suffering because now I know a twinge of what he felt daily. I did not find him to be an A** when he said that. It was an honest emotion and he said it calmly and matter of fact. I find that to be open communication between two people who are very close.

 

Now he knows my stance on separation and holding this marriage. If that is causing me pain that is on me now isn't it? I have to take ownership of my decision in moving forward if its to keep trying or asking him to leave I have to own it. Its not his responsibility.

[Wiseman2]

You don't have to ask him to leave. He told you he wants a divorce and wants to leave. Better communication may include skipping the therapy mumbo jumbo and speaking clearly.

I have to take ownership of my decision in moving forward if its to keep trying or asking him to leave I have to own it.

[CatsMeeoow]

So my husband already knew I had nothing planned for dinner as he was not supposed to be here tonight. I told him earlier I was going to go to diner in town did he want to go - he said "I don't know". I was okay with that.

 

I went to wake up my husband to say I'm going to town for dinner did he want go? He responds "No". I totally expected that but it would have been rude not ask. So I left for dinner.

 

10 min later comes the text: where did you go for dinner?

 

Really???? I totally understand being tired and not wanting to go to dinner. I was not upset and didn't hang around to see if he changed his mind. He hasn't as of this moment even opened his Vday card... yet I leave the house for 10minutes telling him I'm going to dinner and he has to follow up???

 

Annoyed....