Jump to content

Me again, What do I do now


SarahVV

Recommended Posts

Hi guys!! Looking for advice please, I have been on two dates since Christmas with this guy I met online... Our dates have been fun and we end up spending long weekends together on our dates. As we live 3 hours apart we havent been able to spend much time together but we are planning to this weekend. The thing is he is normally great at contact during the week...Skype and continuous messaging then at the weekend he goes off the radar. I had an idea he might be spending weekends with someone else so on our last Skype I ask him if he was getting intimate with other people and he said no straight out, a couple of days later he messaged me to want to tell me that he lied and he doesnt want to mess me around that he has been with another girl since we met but he described her as a bootycall and has no interest in persuing her and he wants to be honest with me as he cares incase we do get serious. Bottom line is I know we have only been on two dates so he is entitled to sleep with who he wants and its great that he was open and honest with me but can you trust someone who is so quick to sleep with someone else? I am planning . on seeing him this weekend and was really looking forward to it! I am concerned now as I feel if I spend more time with him I will grow more attached to him and I don't want to get hurt. But now am I being to disrespectful to myself and is this a big red flag? (especially the distance apart and trust) Thank you for reading... 馃槙:eek:

Link to comment

Yes, I think it is a red flag. I wouldn't be planning to spend an entire weekend solely with him if he's "sleeping around", and I certainly wouldn't be getting intimate with him until you're exclusive. Maybe that's obvious to you but it certainly isn't obvious to everyone. If necessary, explain that you like him but feel a little uncomfortable that he has a casual hook up and that it would need to stop before you're willing to enter a sexual relationship with him. That is a reasonable request and it states your intentions clearly

It's good that he was honest with you eventually, but he lied and took a few days to tell you the truth, and considering the facts of the situation, I'd say you're one of a few options at this point. And it may be that you are over-investing in someone who can't match your interest level

Link to comment

Yeah it's a big red flag. You weren't enough for him so he picked up a random girl. If he was excited about having you in his life, he wouldn't be looking around.

And secondly, he's dirty. A man who is already sleeping with someone, doesn't jump into bed with someone else. You will be lucky if he doesn't give you an STD. Plus he did initially lie to you.

Why would you be excited to be with a man like this? Low morals and not much loyalty. It might have only been 2 dates but geez, can't he keep his business in his pants till he see's you?

I would definitely take a pass.

Link to comment

My first guess would be that he is in a relationship with someone else, because why else would he drop off the radar on weekends? Nobody spends the whole weekend with a booty call on a regular basis! Here and there is fine, they can sneak around, but you say he is MIA every weekend.

By the same token, online dating sites are chock full of people who are married or in relationships, looking to cheat. It's their main platform to do so. And sometimes they pick someone long distance, to ensure they are far enough from home that they don't get caught.

I would be extremely wary of meeting him again this weekend. I'm afraid you are the booty call, not the other way around. If I had a piece of advice for you, it would be to move on and look for someone else, preferably closer to you, that you can see regularly and with whom you could actually have an in-person relationship.

Link to comment

But he wasn't 'honest with you'. He is active on dating sites and never mentioned his other gf until you confronted him. He is sleeping around weekends including with you. It depends on if you can handle casual dating or not, since he has no interest in being exclusive. It sounds like you are already too attached but enjoy weekend getaways from home with him, so are willing to put up with just being another of his booty calls. Do you think he tells her the same thing about you?

he has been with another girl since we met but he described her as a bootycall and has no interest in persuing her and he wants to be honest with me as he cares in case we do get serious. I am planning on seeing him this weekend and was really looking forward to it!
Link to comment
But he wasn't 'honest with you'. He is active on dating sites and never mentioned his other gf until you confronted him. He is sleeping around weekends including with you. It depends on if you can handle casual dating or not, since he has no interest in being exclusive. It sounds like you are already too attached but enjoy weekend getaways from home with him, so are willing to put up with just being another of his booty calls. Do you think he tells her the same thing about you?

I have only met him twice so it would be a bit too much if I would be expecting a commitment at this stage. I guess this is just the in limbo side of dating no?

Yes for sure, it is disrespectful of him to call anyone a bootycall... since I have only met him twice I don't know his full character!

Link to comment

Really? Many women want exclusive dating before weekend marathon sex at a guy's beck and call when the other booty call is unavailable. Limbo is what you create when things you hope and things that are don't line up.

I have only met him twice so it would be a bit too much if I would be expecting a commitment at this stage. I guess this is just the in limbo side of dating no? Yes for sure, it is disrespectful of him to call anyone a bootycall... since I have only met him twice I don't know his full character!
Link to comment

I think it's fine that he is dating others. For me, personally, the booty call thing would not be ok. That is because I wouldn't have seen long term potential with someone who lied to me and who chose to have casual sex in that situation. But it might be fine for people who also want the freedom to pursue casual sex elsewhere while dating, etc. then it would work out great. If you keep spending this kind of time with him and traveling to see him you're going to feel really icky. And you really risk getting an STD.

Link to comment
. What are you even on about.?!

Apparently Wiseman presumes since you spent a couple of long weekends with him, you had marathon sex.

As for the man you're dating I don't think it's a red flag at all.

You've only had TWO dates for heaven's sake, he lives three hours away, you never discussed exclusivity, what do you (and others) expect, the guy should be a monk because he's had two dates with you?

Give it a chance, let it progress!

Although he lied initially, after thinking it through and realizing "hey I may get serious about this girl!" he came clean and told you the truth!

I think he deserves to be commended for being so forthright and honest, not dumped.

He took a risk by telling you, because look at you now, contemplating ending the whole thing. Something that has the "potential" of being really good, all because he had a booty call with another chick who met nothing, after having a date with you.

But he likes you and wanted to be HONEST, he should be commended for that, not dumped.

If this were me, I would see him this weekend and have blast!

If you decide to have sex, discuss exclusivity if that's important to you prior to having sex.

Link to comment
I hardly think if the guy was some sort of "player" or had a gf he was cheating on, he would have told OP he had sex with another chick.

That just makes no sense at all!

The best lies always have a grain of truth in them. He wouldn't be first guy to bs how she is just a "friend" or just a booty call or not serious if he is looking to cheat or monkey branch to someone else while still in the relationship, which to me is still cheating. Like what is the OP going to do? Find this woman and ask questions? Telling a half truth is actually a perfect set up for not getting caught and not being looked at more closely as to what he is doing when he is MIA all weekend.

Link to comment

It doesn't sound like he told you he wasn't going to sleep with this "booty call" ever again. So, it's on you to decide if you're fine with the man you're dating having other sex partners besides you until you decide whether or not to be exclusive, or you're not OK with it. Some people think multi-dating and having multiple sex partners is fine; others would never do it and wouldn't date someone who does.

It's all up to you and what you find comfortable and acceptable. I will recommend that if you are having sex with him that you insist on condoms. You don't know if he's using them with this other woman and you really have NO idea if she is clean and healthy or not.

Link to comment
The best lies always have a grain of truth in them. He wouldn't be first guy to bs how she is just a "friend" or just a booty call or not serious if he is looking to cheat or monkey branch to someone else while still in the relationship, which to me is still cheating. Like what is the OP going to do? Find this woman and ask questions? Telling a half truth is actually a perfect set up for not getting caught and not being looked at more closely as to what he is doing when he is MIA all weekend.

No he wouldn't be the first, but at this point, she has nothing to base that assumption on. Which is really all this is and what many of you are doing -- assuming.

There are also lots of men who have had sex with other women, before becoming exclusive and becoming serious with their girlfriends, wives.

For me, I would choose to commend him for being so forthright and honest. He didn't have to be.

He could have kept all this a big secret and continued carrying on with OP. They're three hours away from each other, she would have never found out.

But again, because he sensed he may get serious with her eventually, he wanted to tell her the truth. He told her this!

So based on that, I would give him the benefit of any doubt, continue to date him, and let it play out. As they continue to date, if he continues going MIA on the weekends then she can re-think things.

But for now, I say let it play out.

If she's not comfortable having sex yet, then she shouldn't!

Link to comment

Guess I just have different standards. I don't care if it's a first date or fifth, not interested in dating a dude who just got finished with his Tuesday screw... gross... plus two dates and he feels the need to come clean? Two dates? Imagine what he will reveal on date 5.

You suspected this a couple weeks ago, now you have your answer, you said you weren't interested in joining his harem, is that still true?

And yeah, booty calls don't typically book entire weekends. I call BS, I also think it's likely he's got someone else.

Man the red flags are flying or of this dudes butt. Please, if you don't like the idea of him plowing others while courting you, don't accept it to be the 'cool chick', too many dieseases and who does it benefit to be down for whatever? Him, not you, from your posts I get the vibe you're not too keen on sharing which is exactly what you're doing with whoever gets him on the weekends.There's too many perfectly awesome men who date one woman at a time.

Link to comment

There's too many perfectly awesome men who date one woman at a time.

Which in my opinion is precisely what he intends to do otherwise he would not have revealed to her what he did. And lest you forget, they have had a grand total of TWO dates, and NEVER discussed being exclusive.

Guys (players?) who intend on continuing to "plow" other women (gawd, could your post have been any more graphic, jesus!) don't announce/confess to the women they're dating that they're "plowing" other women. That's just stupid.

Y'all must've have had really bad experiences with men to disparage them so harshly based on one meaningless booty call after only one or two dates, and a whole bunch of assumptions re his character and motives based on that. And it's not even like she found out by snooping his FB or other social media, he told her!!

I think that's really sad but whatever, it's your life.

And just for the record, I also date "one at a time" and don't date men who don't. But after only TWO dates, and the guy owned up and came clean to me (not that he even needed to after two dates and no discussion re only dating each other) that is a man I would wish to continue dating and find very easy to trust.

But to each his own, best of luck! :D

Link to comment

OP, I've probably said enough but here is my story, maybe it will help (or maybe not) but here it is fwiw.

I am currently in an exclusive RL, we've been dating a little over three months.

I think it was our 4th date wherein we discussed our respective dating styles, multi-dating versus one at a time.

We both agreed that after we meet someone we click/connect with, we date only them to see where it will lead. Maybe it will last a week, a month, a year, forever, who knows!

One at a time. If after a few more dates, we realized we're not a good fit for each other, we stop seeing each other and continue our search.

So after this discussion, and agreeing we're on the same page, we decided to date only each other, to see where it would lead.

Had no idea where it would take us, but wanted to give it a chance without tossing others into the equation, which has the tendency to confuse things for some people.

That said, I'm being perfectly honest when I say that prior to agreeing to this, again on the 4th date, whatever he did prior to this discussion, was actually none of my business.

Hell, I had a couple of dates myself with other men before we agreed to focus only on each other.. And I was crazy about my boyfriend at the time too!

I just had this discussion with another poster over PM this morn, but I am sitting there on this other date with a guy who, bless his heart, was trying to get to know me, and all i could think of was how I didn't want to be there and just wanted to be with my BF!

I ended up telling him I had met someone else and wished him well.

I never told my BF I had another date, why should I? At the time, we had only had a couple of dates and never discussed just dating each other.

Again, being perfectly honest when saying that, prior to having this discussion, if my BF had confessed to me he had another date, and/or meaningless sex with a chick he gave jack * about, while it may have stung a bit, I would have appreciated his HONESTY and let it go.

Can't speak for others, but my standards are such that I prefer openness and honesty from the men I choose to get involved with. Some things may be difficult to hear sometimes, but his honesty makes it easier to trust him going forward.

Cause I know no matter what, he will always be straight with me, and to me that is super important!

I also think it's important to remember that there are no "perfect" people.

I'm certainly not nor is anyone else. We all do things we may regret, that may even hurt our partners, the important thing is that we own our mistakes, are honest with our partners about who we are, and what we do, and hope to find partners who understand.

Now, IF my BF had "stepped out" and had meaningless sex with another chick AFTER our discussion, THAT would be different, and I would feel much differently about it.

But you and this guy only had two dates. No discussion of dating only each other, plus he told you! Which as I said he did not have to do, he could have kept it his little secret and none would have been the wiser.

But because he sensed that you are someone he sees possibly becoming serious with (which he told you), he wanted to be open and honest with you.

And you're thinking about dumping him for it??

Frankly I don't understand that but as I always say, you gotta do what feels right to you.

Best of luck.

Link to comment

"Again, being perfectly honest when saying that, prior to having this discussion, if my BF had confessed to me he had another date, and/or meaningless sex with a chick he gave jack * about, while it may have stung a bit, I would have appreciated his HONESTY and let it go."

To me it's essential to be honest about one's STD risk. It's oversharing to tell someone that you had meaningless sex recently -what's the point? - unless the point is that you want the person to know that meaningless sex is something you're a fan of and that you enjoy -as a signal to the new person that if she's not on the same page with that then she should move on (as I would). Honesty doesn't mean sharing all dirty laundry. Obviously there could be exceptions -if the person said he made a mistake I would take that into account (but would wait months to have sex because of the STD risk - would want him to be tested accurately).

I don't think this guy is someone who's on the same page with the OP and he's telling her who he is early on -in that sense his "honesty" is a good thing - it shows how he chooses to share his personal sex life with someone he just met, it shows that he is fine with casual sex (and if she is, as a value, that's fine too), etc. It's good info for her to have about his character and values and sexual health.

Link to comment
Apparently Wiseman presumes since you spent a couple of long weekends with him, you had marathon sex.

As for the man you're dating I don't think it's a red flag at all.

You've only had TWO dates for heaven's sake, he lives three hours away, you never discussed exclusivity, what do you (and others) expect, the guy should be a monk because he's had two dates with you?

Give it a chance, let it progress!

Although he lied initially, after thinking it through and realizing "hey I may get serious about this girl!" he came clean and told you the truth!

I think he deserves to be commended for being so forthright and honest, not dumped.

He took a risk by telling you, because look at you now, contemplating ending the whole thing. Something that has the "potential" of being really good, all because he had a booty call with another chick who met nothing, after having a date with you.

But he likes you and wanted to be HONEST, he should be commended for that, not dumped.

If this were me, I would see him this weekend and have blast!

If you decide to have sex, discuss exclusivity if that's important to you prior to having sex.

Thank you, great advice

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...