justadumbguy Posted December 12, 2017 Share Posted December 12, 2017 Dear Internet community, I am posting briefly to get some feedback and outside perspectives. One year ago today i got married to a very sweet and very beautiful young girl. We have the same interests mostly, same world and religious views, same of most everything. And, a lot of our relationship has been wonderful. However, in the past month or so i have begun to feel seriously strained in my marriage regardless of all these wonderful positives. There are 2 reasons. The first is, my wife, though a year younger than me, never lived apart from her parents and is remarkably unprepared for life as an independent adult. Even emotionally, she strikes me in most senses like not just a child, but an extremely young child. It is almost as if she grew up in an environment that left her so constrained for expression that she just never developed as a person. She is often quiet, lost in thought, and struggles to express herself or even know what she is feelings. The world overwhelms her, even just loud noises and crowds, and i cant rely on her either to communicate with me or take care of much of anything important without me. She is so unaware of her environment that she even regularly harms me - stepping on my toes, elbowing my face when she sits down next to me, e.t.c. If i ask her to pick me up she will get lost and be a half hour late. If I ask her to drive she will run three red lights by the time we get home. It is like this every day. I know how to get around her small home town better than her after living here 2 years, whereas she spent her whole life here and still gets confused. I can honestly say i have never seen anything like it. I am constantly getting hurt by her accidents and slipups in ways both small and big, and i cant help myself. I get really frustrated with her pretty regularly after dealing with this for a solid year. Yet she is so fragile and sensitive, it absolutely destroys her when I do, and then i feel horrible. Consequently I feel like i cant express myself and have to hold all of my feelings down, which just causes the frustration to build. At times where I have really gotten frustrated, she has expressed that I am the only person she has ever felt a real connection with and that when i appear fed up with her, as if i am going to leave her, she gets suicidal. She expressed this about halfway into our year of marriage and since then it has really effected me. Im still trying to be here for love and love alone, but the pressure of feeling like I couldnt leave even if i wanted to - or needed to - makes me feel somewhat like I am here by compulsion. The second reason is, while I feel like she is a very pretty young woman somehow it just doesn’t translate into sexual attraction for me. I think it may have to do more with internal attributes than physical qualities. I am really attracted in bed to aggressive strong woman and as I have just expressed, it is clear to me post marriage that in fact she is an extremely fragile young woman with a lot of issues. While we were dating she didnt seem that way to me, but i know now that i just didnt fully understand this aspect of her character. Her apparent strength was really an illusion. In truth she is really struggling to make it in the world, to know herself and feel good about herself. It doesnt help either that she appears to have a lot of trauma around sex, is extremely prudish about her private parts being touched, has catholic guilt around sex from her upbringing, and has severe vaginismus. Meaning, while in the beginning of our relationship I could do a little bit of penetration, as some of the trust in our relationship has strained nowadays she cannot handle any penetration whatsoever. She also has chronic reoccuring yeast infections down below, and no matter how many times we take her to the doctor we havent been able to resolve her burning, itching and other problems. Sex is consequently completely unarrousing for me, and to get any satisfaction I have to try and remember images from my porn watching days. The temptation to go back to watching porn is also strong, which I hate, as one of the main reasons I wanted to get married is I wanted to have a really pure sex life. The simple truth is that I really do love my wife. She has lots and lots of positive attributes. She is extremely kind and thoughtful. She really cares about people and family, and tries really hard to treat everyone right, especially her parents and friends. She is very intelligent and I have great conversations with her. She is really funny. I always am laughing with her. She is a good cook. She is active and likes to do things with me. She is romantic. She is cute and sweet. Best of all, she is perhaps the only person my age I have ever met that I felt like I could express myself to and be comforted by. While other people make me feel uncomfortable expressing myself, with her I really feel like I can talk. Ive never had that before and she has helped me to work through a lot of past traumas through just allowing me to talk about them and listening with sympathy. She is a really good artist as well. She plays the guitar and sings like and angel. She wrote me a love song when we were dating that was so good, I didn’t realize it was hers. I thought she was doing a cover of some famous musician until she told me. Due to her gentle and compassionate nature, as well as her honorable character, I feel like everyone she meets instantly loves her. Everyone wants to be her friend, and she seems to genuinely want to be theirs. Which is good for me, considering that I am an introvert who gets lost in introversion and can really use that balancing, social-focused energy in my life. She balances from my introversion, and we both benefit each other. She really encourages me to be a better person and believes in me. Most of all, I know she is extremely committed to our relationship and to me. She all but alienated her whole family to be with me, and chose me over them when they expressed their distaste for me and our relationship. All of that makes it even harder for me that because I just can’t two very fundamental needs met – a sense of saftey and comfort in the relationship from being able to rely on her, and sexual fulfilment – that I am more and more struggling in our relationship. I think the biggest thing may honestly come down to the sex. I am 24 years old and at the hight of my male sex drive. Yet in may ways, she is so underdeveloped mentally as well as physically that I think being with her sexually almost makes me feel like a pedophile. With her tiny breasts and butt, and round puppy-fat filled face, she really looks like a kid too. Add to that her seeming total psychological unpreparedness for the act – she cant even handle a finger inside of her, it is so emotionally disturbing – sex with her literally makes me feel somewhat sick. Like I am raping a kid or something. I really don’t know what to do about our relationship. I have already given most of what I had to be with her, and she most of what she had to be with me. I love her and don’t want to leave her. Yet at the same time, she really seems to be just completely unready for a relationship on all levels – emotional, psychological, and physical. Because of that my desire for her to simply live up to the role of a wife and an adult is extremely oppressive for her. The pressure breaks her down even more, leaving me even more stressed, frustrated and overburdened with the problems of our practical life. I take it out on her, and the cycle escelates. What is a man to do? I have no idea how to handle a situation like this. Please advise. Link to comment
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