Self sabotage or time wasters?

[Whocares479]

Whenever I start liking someone, I get super needy and clingy. I don't know why. I start to send double, triple, and quadruple text when they don't reply. This guy would take forever to reply, and I mean 24 hours, 2 days, etc. Also, that takes me to my next point. I get so heavily infactuated with someone so quickly. The guy literally stopped contacting me because I was so needy, and by no means was he perfect. I doubt he was as "busy" as he say he was. He contacted me 3 weeks later after no contact, asking me was I done acting crazy I tried to play it cool but it went back to the same old same old with him not replying to me after days. I got fed up. I know I have some neediness in me, heck a lot but do you also think the guys I'm communicating with aren't worth my time or am I to blame?

 

Sorry I know this is a lot.

[SweetGirl28]

Yikes! We need to dip your fingers in cement so you can't do this!

 

You will push guys away with this behavior, as you've found out.

It can't be every guy that isn't right, so I'd say it's safe to assume your behavior is a factor.

 

You need to discover the underlying reason for your actions, and work to change your behavior.

[boltnrun]

What kinds of hobbies, sports or activities are you involved in? Do you work and/or go to school? How much time do you spend with friends and family?

[Whocares479]

I am a full time student alone in Atlanta without family and friends. I mentor and volunteer but for some reason I still allow myself to get heavily involved.

[Birdie]

Well...I would say it's both.

 

You're overwhelming them with texts and coming on way too strong, that will scare almost anyone away. No relationship can sustain when one partner is someone's "world" and you're coming off that way right off the bat. People also have full lives and can't respond in an instant, you're being quite disrespectful to them sending repeat texts when you don't get a response.

 

But it also sounds like your picker may be off....In the getting to know you phase I'd assume most guys would be on their best behaviour and trying to reply to texts in a reasonable time (as long as it's not just meaningless chatter).

 

Honestly, I'd step away from the phone. Text minimally and focus on setting up times to see each other in person and actually DATE. Take the phone away from this situation and a lot of your issues will likely go away.

[figureitout23]

May I ask for more context?

 

As popular as gaslighting is now a days, Its probably not a good idea to allow someone else to label you in that manner.

 

Especially concidering the fact that he came back around insulting you after ignoring you for 3 weeks. Gross.

 

Man puts women through crazy making behavior like ignoring her for 3 days - woman acts crazy - man blames her.

 

I agree with the other poster, you should get in control of your anxiety but it's also probably a good idea to find a guy who isn't going to cause you anxiety to begin with.

[Birdie]

^ Yeah for the record, forgot to mention, this guy sounds like a loser and you can do much better. Regardless of your behaviour he was rude.

[Batya33]

One of the main reasons I stopped dating men is when they would show clingy/needy behavior in the beginning. And no, it wasn't because I wasn't into them in the first place -I knew the difference full well. I was very sensitive to that kind of behavior and it made me run -intolerable and a dealbreaker -and especially in the beginning it made me concerned that it could only get worse if we got more involved. And there were times when it was a shame because otherwise we had a lot in common, he was attractive, etc. You need to figure out a way to make better choices and behave in a more thoughtful way - in a more giving way. Part of giving to someone -especially someone new -is giving the person space to get to know you.

[thorough]

Whenever I start liking someone, I get super needy and clingy. I don't know why. I start to send double, triple, and quadruple text when they don't reply. This guy would take forever to reply, and I mean 24 hours, 2 days, etc. Also, that takes me to my next point. I get so heavily infactuated with someone so quickly. The guy literally stopped contacting me because I was so needy, and by no means was he perfect. I doubt he was as "busy" as he say he was. He contacted me 3 weeks later after no contact, asking me was I done acting crazy I tried to play it cool but it went back to the same old same old with him not replying to me after days. I got fed up. I know I have some neediness in me, heck a lot but do you also think the guys I'm communicating with aren't worth my time or am I to blame?

 

Sorry I know this is a lot.

 

I wholly sympathize w/you, but after chasing after guys who didn't want to be caught, I learned just to let them go. If I'm dating someone a couple hours between texts is acceptable, 1 day or more/consistent blowing me off is not ok and usually I put them in the not interested category. I have had a couple incidents where I was dating the guy (more then a couple dates), I would get erratic and try to get the truth from him.

 

On the flip side, I can see where he is coming from. I dated a super clingy controlling guy and the way he behaved drove me up the wall. I left after a month because despite having uninterested guys, that was overwhelming and tiring.

 

Value yourself a lot more, if a guy consistently disappoints you, stop contacting him.

 

You are picking the wrong guys. The right guy will not make you worry so much because you will feel secure.

[Whocares479]

I agree, I think part of me is super insecure. After a 100 pound weight loss I am attracting different guys. Guys who only want one thing and I keep them around because I think they are a dime a dozen. I am aware that I am super needy, and I need to find out why. I seek men validation and it is driving me up the wall.

 

Also: I forgot to mention that when we met he was only in town for an event so he wind up going back to his hometown which is more than a 16 hour drive. So text, skype, and calling is our only form of communication. This is not an excuse for me obsessively contacting him, I should of let it go.

[Whocares479]

I have blocked him to rid of my temptation or waiting for him to text back. I just want to make sure I don't scare the right one off.

[Capricorn3]

You will push guys away with this behavior, as you've found out.

It can't be every guy that isn't right, so I'd say it's safe to assume your behavior is a factor.

 

You need to discover the underlying reason for your actions, and work to change your behavior.

I agree with the above. That kind of neediness will invariably chase anyone away. You're being too overwhelming and suffocating. Maybe time to look into professional help to figure out where it's all coming from.

[catfeeder]

do you also think the guys I'm communicating with aren't worth my time or am I to blame?

 

Could be a combo plate, but neither answer is good. Neediness makes people use lousy discretion in choosing dates, and it's also such a turnoff that even if you pick the perfect guy, he's not likely to tolerate your behavior.

 

So I'd skip the misery-go-round and focus instead on finding counseling services and any other means to work through the neediness problem. Otherwise, you'll just keep behaving in ways that would drive away the best person on the planet, because it's nobody else's job to 'cure' a bottomless pit. You'll create a cycle of villainizing men, which will only fuel your paranoia and mistrust. That just drills a deeper hole to climb out of, so why not skip that and fix the problem, instead?

[Liraele]

Go out and get a life.

 

I'm not saying that to be mean. I mean it quite literally - get so busy that you don't have TIME to do this, and get yourself interested in other things. Preoccupying your time with things helps keep you from being that needy, clingy person.

[Wiseman2]

Try to read up on players and typical tactics. This is not this kind of guy/statements you should be pursuing or even giving a chance to 479;6915340]He contacted me 3 weeks later after no contact, asking me was I done acting crazy

[reinventmyself]

When ever I come across someone who becomes incredibly intense and needy early on, I try to not be offended. They project all sorts of emotions onto me that needn't apply. After all, you don't even know me. So how can you feel that incredibly intense about me?

 

Clearly it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's all about a lot of unmet needs and personal issues that have not been addressed.

Until you figure out some of these things out and work them out, don't date.

 

Along with this, we all have a personal responsibility to ourselves to continually work on creating a full life. If you aren't doing so you are

endlessly targeting others to be your 'everything'. No one (at least no healthy individual) wants that responsibility.

Unhealthy people with take you in and take advantage of your hunger if you aren't careful or self aware.

 

To be fair, I was somewhat like you at one time. I cringe when I look back at it.

There is a crude saying. `If you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything'

 

Get busy with your life - consider therapy. You are incredibly brave to admit everything you just did. Acknowledging it is half the battle.

[Whocares479]

Try to read up on players and typical tactics. This is not this kind of guy/statements you should be pursuing or even giving a chance to

 

You are exactly right!

[Whocares479]

When ever I come across someone who becomes incredibly intense and needy early on, I try to not be offended. They project all sorts of emotions onto me that needn't apply. After all, you don't even know me. So how can you feel that incredibly intense about me?

 

Clearly it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's all about a lot of unmet needs and personal issues that have not been addressed.

Until you figure out some of these things out and work them out, don't date.

 

Along with this, we all have a personal responsibility to ourselves to continually work on creating a full life. If you aren't doing so you are

endlessly targeting others to be your 'everything'. No one (at least no healthy individual) wants that responsibility.

Unhealthy people with take you in and take advantage of your hunger if you aren't careful or self aware.

 

To be fair, I was somewhat like you at one time. I cringe when I look back at it.

There is a crude saying. `If you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything'

 

Get busy with your life - consider therapy. You are incredibly brave to admit everything you just did. Acknowledging it is half the battle.

 

Thank you, saying this wasn't easy. I used to always blame the guys, however, this behavior could drive a good guy away.

[Jibralta]

When ever I come across someone who becomes incredibly intense and needy early on, I try to not be offended. They project all sorts of emotions onto me that needn't apply. After all, you don't even know me. So how can you feel that incredibly intense about me?

 

Clearly it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's all about a lot of unmet needs and personal issues that have not been addressed.

 

Very true. Some people are unphased by this behavior for the above reasons; some are triggered by it and become upset, offended, or afraid; and some people like it and use it to their advantage (complaining "poor me" all the while!). Whocares479, I think the guy you mention in your original post fits the third description. He pretended to ignore you, but he actually wasn't ignoring you. And then he called you crazy! It would be funny if it wasn't so common. That's the worst: people who have resentful relationships, who disrespect their partner.

 

I don't know what is causing this compulsory behavior in you. You know it's totally counterproductive. But I think blocking him was a good idea--slightly preferable to dipping your fingers in concrete LOL! In the future, try to set a rule for yourself, maybe one like this, and STICK TO IT like your life depends on it (or a concrete truck is waiting):

 

If I'm dating someone a couple hours between texts is acceptable, 1 day or more/consistent blowing me off is not ok and usually I put them in the not interested category.

 

Don't worry so much about scaring off the "right one." That guy is going to love you for the person that you are, warts, twitchy fingers, and all.

[katrina1980]

Thank you, saying this wasn't easy. I used to always blame the guys, however, this behavior could drive a good guy away.

 

Sweetie a "good guy" is NOT going to ignore your texts or take days to respond, and ignoring may be the most "crazy-making" behavior out there.

 

Which is precisely why you DO go "crazy" with the texting. Don't lose sight of that.

 

Ignoring texts for days IS crazy making. It takes literally five seconds to respond.

 

If he's busy, then he could simply acknowledge your text and tell you he will talk to you later. That is what I do and what my current does, when busy. We don't ignore or play other such head games.

 

This is what an interested man does, he does not ignore you for days.

 

So stop beating yourself up so much about it.

 

Value yourself and aim higher!

 

A man you're dating, ignoring you for days on a regular basis, it's NEXT.

 

Not sure you need therapy for this unless your anxiety is so bad, you expect an 'immediate' response and freak out if you don't get. THAT is too needy.

 

Also, how often do you text? It may be too much. Slow down and let him lead, in the beginning.

 

In the beginning, guy I am dating now rarely texted. Three times a week max, to schedule dates mostly.

 

I was fine with that. It was different from what I was used to, but it's better actually because our relationship is progressing slowly. And it's more stable. Something I am "definitely" not used to!

 

With other guys, they would come on fast, text every day, high passion, high excitement, sex early, but then it would burn out just as fast (even for me). It's just too much.

 

So dump this guy, but for next time, slow down 'your' texting, don't freak if it takes him a few hours to respond, or waits until the evening when off work, stay busy, and slow down your brain.

 

Next guys who continually ignore or take days to respond to yours.. It's a text for heaven's sake, five seconds to respond. Nix the texting all day thing (as so many do), it's too much.

 

It takes self-control and self-discipline but you can do it!

 

I did, and if I can do it anyone can!!

[Whocares479]

Sweetie a "good guy" is NOT going to ignore your texts or take days to respond, and ignoring may be the most "crazy-making" behavior out there.

 

Which is precisely why you DO go "crazy" with the texting. Don't lose sight of that.

 

Ignoring texts for days IS crazy making. It takes literally five seconds to respond.

 

If he's busy, then he could simply acknowledge your text and tell you he will talk to you later. That is what I do and what my current does, when busy. We don't ignore or play other such head games.

 

This is what an interested man does, he does not ignore you for days.

 

So stop beating yourself up so much about it.

 

Value yourself and aim higher!

 

A man you're dating, ignoring you for days on a regular basis, it's NEXT.

 

Not sure you need therapy for this unless your anxiety is so bad, you expect an 'immediate' response and freak out if you don't get. THAT is too needy.

 

Also, how often do you text? It may be too much. Slow down and let him lead, in the beginning.

 

In the beginning, guy I am dating now rarely texted. Three times a week max, to schedule dates mostly.

 

I was fine with that. It was different from what I was used to, but it's better actually because our relationship is progressing slowly. And it's more stable. Something I am "definitely" not used to!

 

With other guys, they would come on fast, text every day, high passion, high excitement, sex early, but then it would burn out just as fast (even for me). It's just too much.

 

So dump this guy, but for next time, slow down 'your' texting, don't freak if it takes him a few hours to respond, or waits until the evening when off work, stay busy, and slow down your brain.

 

Next guys who continually ignore or take days to respond to yours.. It's a text for heaven's sake, five seconds to respond. Nix the texting all day thing (as so many do), it's too much.

 

It takes self-control and self-discipline but you can do it!

 

I did, and if I can do it anyone can!!

 

Well he will usually start a conversation with me, ill respond and he will not reply. Like 12 or 24 hours will go by then ill send a follow up text. He will say he's super busy and I will tell him he doesn't need to text me 24/7 but match my investment. It will usually be a cycle of him texting me, then ill reply, then him not replying so I will send a follow up text. If you camn reply to the follow up text that must mean you seen the first one. I understand guys aren't as intense texters as girls but seriously. I even told him to call me later in the day like around midnight because he stays up late(this was when we were still talking), I requested this around 3pm because he tells me hes so busy during the day so basically I gave him hours to accommodate him and that went ignored. He didnt call nor did he tell me he wasn't able to call me.

 

I got to a point where I kept texting him every two days without ever getting a response. I do regret it but I can't take it back. I thought his text would make me feel better about myself. Some sort of validation. I am done now.

 

I'm kind of fustrated that I took him back so easily after ignoring me for three week. I had forgot about him and left him alone those three weeks and he came back messing with my head. I'm starting to think this is on purpose. I know I sound silly.

 

Sometimes you need someone to tell you that this situation is not right for you because its easy to blame yourself. Thank you Katrina.

 

I remember following your no contact log, it inspired mines. You are a strong person and your advice is greatly appreciated.

[catfeeder]

When ever I come across someone who becomes incredibly intense and needy early on, I try to not be offended. They project all sorts of emotions onto me that needn't apply. After all, you don't even know me. So how can you feel that incredibly intense about me?

 

Clearly it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It's all about a lot of unmet needs and personal issues that have not been addressed. Until you figure out some of these things out and work them out, don't date.

 

Along with this, we all have a personal responsibility to ourselves to continually work on creating a full life. If you aren't doing so you are endlessly targeting others to be your 'everything'. No one (at least no healthy individual) wants that responsibility. Unhealthy people with take you in and take advantage of your hunger if you aren't careful or self aware.

 

To be fair, I was somewhat like you at one time. I cringe when I look back at it.

There is a crude saying.`If you are hungry, you'll eat just about anything'

 

Get busy with your life - consider therapy. You are incredibly brave to admit everything you just did. Acknowledging it is half the battle.

 

Great stuff. Above is the best way I've seen the issue of neediness addressed in a very long time.

 

The more closely neediness 'emotions' and neediness 'behaviors' are aligned, the more unhealthy both can be. (Think of measuring the distance of a thunderstorm--it's closest when the lightning strikes at the same time as the thunder booms.)

 

The more distance you are able to put between emotional pangs and the impulse to act those out, the healthier you become. You grow more able to apply good judgement for long range satisfaction rather than acting impulsively and creating a downward spiral of dissatisfaction.

 

Everyone feels some twinges of emotional longing now and then. It's just a signal that we want something to be different. We can either 'react' or 'respond'. Reactions are blind, while responses are reasoned and address self care rather than dependency on others.

 

When we can delay reactive behavior in favor of actions focused on healthy nurturing of the Self, we become more confident in our self sufficiency and resilience. Both of these skills reduce anxiety and neediness. It's a healthy cycle rather than a destructive one, and the good news is, it can be learned.

 

Head high.

[Whocares479]

Great stuff. Above is the best way I've seen the issue of neediness addressed in a very long time.

 

The more closely neediness 'emotions' and neediness 'behaviors' are aligned, the more unhealthy both can be. (Think of measuring the distance of a thunderstorm--it's closest when the lightning strikes at the same time as the thunder booms.)

 

The more distance you are able to put between emotional pangs and the impulse to act those out, the healthier you become. You grow more able to apply good judgement for long range satisfaction rather than acting impulsively and creating a downward spiral of dissatisfaction.

 

Everyone feels some twinges of emotional longing now and then. It's just a signal that we want something to be different. We can either 'react' or 'respond'. Reactions are blind, while responses are reasoned and address self care rather than dependency on others.

 

When we can delay reactive behavior in favor of actions focused on healthy nurturing of the Self, we become more confident in our self sufficiency and resilience. Both of these skills reduce anxiety and neediness. It's a healthy cycle rather than a destructive one, and the good news is, it can be learned.

 

Head high.

 

Thank you so much for your input, I am working towards getting more in tune with myself instead of relying on others to be my hero. It's going to take time, but I'll never have any healthy relationship until this is dealt with. Therefore, causing more self esteem issues and creating an endless cycle of bad decisions.