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I want to change my name, but am afraid of hurting my parent's feelings.

Krankor

By Krankor
in Personal Growth

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Krankor Rising Star

Krankor

Posted
Posted

OK, so I kind of strongly dislike my real name--always have--and have always gone by nickname, which is just a shortened version of it.

 

When I was born my father chose my name and my mom decided she liked the longer version of it so that's what they went with. If anyone is curious for context I'll tell you what it is in a PM if you ask.

 

Anyway, I want to legally change my name to my nickname. I don't identify with my real name at all and when I see it on official documents it annoys me. It's on my work email (and I have a government job and am required to use my legal name) and also is attached to any report I write, also required. When people who don't know any better respond to an email or say a nurse when I go to the doctor calls me by my real name it just rankles me. I ask them to call me by my nickname but just hearing it bothers me. In short, I just feel like my nickname should be my real name.

 

The only thing stopping me is that I feel as if changing my name would be disrespectful to my parents. After all, it would be a rejection of the name that they lovingly bestowed on their newborn son 40 years ago. I actually did mention something in passing about thinking about changing my name to my mom and and she seemed kind of bothered by it, maybe even hurt. I never brought it up again. Obviously I'm an adult and I do what I want but I do still respect my parents as people.

 

Also, not sure if this matters but several girlfriends have expressed a preference for my real name and have been against me changing it.

 

Any thoughts or opinions are welcome. Thank you.

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

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I shorted my name around 30 years ago. No one could ever spell or say my name properly . So I shortened it when I was probably about 20 years old . At first my mother hated it and said that's not what I named you . But now she's been calling me by the shortened version of my name for decades . The only time I see my actual name is on legal documents . It's not even on my work documents .

 

I think they would get over it if you changed your name .

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j.man Grand Master

j.man

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So I have three last names. My mom gave me my grandmother's and grandfather's last names (Spanish couples don't give / take each others' surnames) and I have my dad's last name. It's pretty much that cliche long-ass Spanish name topped off with a non-Spanish name you see some of those news reporters having.

 

Well, let's just say my mom's side has a time honored tradition of breeding like bunnies and have pretty safely secured the bloodline. My paternal grandmother's maiden name died when my cousin was shot. The last name I have from my dad is from his dad, who abandoned my father when he was a kid, so I have no desire to keep it going. So prior to getting married, I'll actually be wiping all of my last names and reviving my paternal grandmother's maiden name.

 

I honestly didn't really care much about it until the reality of getting married and having kids started to settle in and I was thinking about what name I'd be giving my lady (oddly enough something she insists on... not me) and eventual kids. My mom didn't take it well at all but she largely got over it, aside from the occasional Spanish-Catholic guilt trip. Naturally, since it's technically a paternal shift, my dad didn't take much offense to it, though of course he'd most likely prefer it if we shared a name.

 

Sorry, not meaning to hijack, just thought it was "cool" you've got a similar predicament going. I do think yours is a little more personal to you since it's much more of a familiar impact than with my last names, but I also think that'll work in your benefit when sharing this with your parents. You're still retaining the whole legacy aspect. You're just formalizing what you've long preferred to be called. If any amount of the reason-based advice you post here has any genetic bearing, I think they'll understand just fine.

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abitbroken Grand Master

abitbroken

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If the name you go buy is a shortened version of the name ie, you go by Will and its really William, You go by Renaldo and you go by Renn -- why not just do what you are doing - go by your shortened name on all your business cards and professionally and the only place your full name is on your paychecks, taxes, etc. I am in the same boat as you are. I go by a shortened name. No one calls me the full name. But i will tell you that i am glad for my name when it comes to legal papers - i can't be confused with too many people whereas my brother's name is super common and he had legal trouble because my dad and two other guys in our town when he came of age had the exact same name and people accidentally assigned bills to him instead of another one.

 

For practical reasons, i will say it sometimes is a big paper trail to actually change your name and if you are not changing it for reasons of marriage, divorce or adoption, in some areas you have to petition a judge and they verify you are not doing it to evade the law or anything like that. If you really want to - you can --- but be aware if you are making such a minor change it may or may not be without hassle.

 

marriage is a good time for name changes

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itsallgrand Grand Master

itsallgrand

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As an aside, J.man, I hope you will make a spin off thread about marriage and names. I have been thinking of similar things recently and am curious what all you have been thinking of and the decisions you have come to (and your fiance as far as taking which name etc.). I'd also like to hear other peoples perspectives and experience with it as they were thinking marriage and potential children regarding legal names.

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melancholy123 Grand Master

melancholy123

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I hate my given name, I always have and think I always will. Nobody remembers it (or so it seems) few can spell it despite it being 4 letters! I always wanted to change it but didnt. When I was about 23 or 24 I told my now husband that I wanted to change my name and he said why bother, it's too late now. This from a guy named Dave who cant appreciate what it's like to have a weird name! So I never changed it and it's many years later now and I sure do wish I had.

 

I moved about 1.5 yrs ago and thought about how I could introduce myself with a slightly different first name that could be a variation on my name and then I could start over with that new name. But I didnt do that, and I'm not sure why. I should have.

 

Honestly as someone with a name I cant stand, you should change your name if you really want to. For about $200 I could have changed my name years ago, legally. Your parents could still call you your given name and you could live your life being called what you prefer to be called. It's not disrespectful to want to change your name.

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Seraphim Grand Master

Seraphim

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My mom uses a short version of her name as well. She has a very old fashioned name but said with a French accent because she is French and no one could say it or spell it outside her family.

 

My name is one of those long azz hyphenated 60's names. Even some of my family members can't spell it right . * eye roll*

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journeynow Grand Master

journeynow

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If you were my grown son or daughter, I would not feel disrespected if you changed your given name to something you feel fits better. I'd tell you that the name I gave you was simply the one to begin with, and you've grown and developed in ways I couldn't have imagined, and become your own person. Good for you for knowing yourself and choosing what works for you.

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melancholy123 Grand Master

melancholy123

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Oh Journeynow I wish you were my mother. She loved my name and would get upset any time I said I hated it or wanted to change it. I always said when I reached 18 I would change it legally. I really should have.

 

It's true if you change it you have to change your passport, driver's licence, any legal papers, etc. and that could get long and involved and messy. As long as you dont call yourself something different for fraudulent purposes you can call yourself anything you want.

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sara-pezzini Mentor

sara-pezzini

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I think you should change it, your parents can still call you what they want but if you don't it can haunt you all your life. My mom has a name she absolutely hates and she is 65 now but she still feels the same and it sort of had a huge impact on her her whole life. It's not a name you can shorten either, it's something she always has to explain, what name was that ma'am? When abroad they always misspell or miss pronounce. Try going to Starbucks.... what's that you said? And then something weird ends up on the cup lol..... Its a very old fashioned Dutch name and she really hates it.

So I'd say change it, otherwise it can have a big impact your entire life!

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catfeeder Grand Master

catfeeder

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It wouldn't be perceived as disrespectful by your parents if you don't open that can of worms by discussing it with them. Your parents don't need to sign off on the change, and since you're changing it to the name you actually use, how would they know unless you tell them about it?

 

What you do in the privacy of your own documents is your own business.

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journeynow Grand Master

journeynow

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It wouldn't be perceived as disrespectful by your parents if you don't open that can of worms by discussing it with them. Your parents don't need to sign off on the change, and since you're changing it to the name you actually use, how would they know unless you tell them about it?

 

What you do in the privacy of your own documents is your own business.

 

What about the parents needing his official name for their legal documents, such as wills and life insurance policies?

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catfeeder Grand Master

catfeeder

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This thread reminds me of that game where you put the name of your first pet together with the name of the street you grew up on and you get what would be your stripper stage name.

 

Mine would be Doobee Lansdowne.

 

Hah! I remember this! I would be Layla Pequot.

 

Ehm...I could do also double-duty with second pet, 'Butch'.

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