Dealing with boyfriend's apparent mental health problems

[poorlittlefish]

I have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. For about the first 3 we got on brilliantly, but as time has gone on his behaviour has become more odd/erratic. He seems to have tics - shaking his head, wringing his hands and muttering expletives under his breath. He denies saying anything and laughs if I say it sounded like he just said ****.

 

Mood-wise he can be fine one minute and the next I know something is up because he'll start driving dangerously, slamming doors or just being aggressive (not to me but to objects). When he gets like this nothing has happened that could have triggered it, but he scares me and again, denies that he's acting differently or that anything's wrong. He doesn't take drugs that I know of.

 

I love this guy; he's fantastic company when he's "normal" but I just don't know how to cope with all this as the frequency is increasing. I told him that the next time he makes me feel fearful I will leave/tell him to leave and to contact me when he's ready to apologise but I don't know if that was right. I am happy to be supportive and understanding but it's difficult when he won't talk to me. Any ideas??

[Hollyj]

Has he been diagnosed?

 

What do your friends and family say.

[glitterfingers]

I tend to think it's quite a dangerous path to tread to cast aspersions about someone's mental health, even when you are quite close to them and notice behaviour that you deem 'odd'. That being said, it isn't unheard of that people can display pathological behaviour and be completely unaware of the objective impact or implications of their actions (I personally have been in this situation many times). He clearly doesn't see a problem with his behaviour at the moment, so telling him to apologise for it seems unrealistic - what is he supposed to apologise for if he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong?

 

I think you can encourage him to look into his symptoms by discussing the behaviours you've observed and how that behaviour is abnormal and possibly indicative of something more than just personality quirks. But ultimately if you don't like his behaviour and he doesn't see the problem, you just ought to leave rather than try and get him to apologise. If this is indeed a mental health issue and he's in denial about it, getting him to apologise for it and try and behave better is completely futile.

[fireflies]

I really feel for you. I've been in a relationship with someone like this and it is scary. You never know when he's going to explode. It's even worse if he denies that he has a problem and tells you that you're "too sensitive" or that you're making a big deal out of nothing. I try to practice the advice below but in all honestly it's not easy.

 

 

[j.man]

Do not trivialize his violence toward objects simply because he's not directly violent with you. If unchecked, it's only a matter of time before you're in the way of something he throws, you're walking through the door he decides to slam shut, or he miscalculates when trying to punch the wall next to you. And that's assuming he doesn't get to the point it's actually deliberate.

 

I'm sorry for anyone who suffers from severe mental health conditions. However, if capable, it is their responsibility not to harm others or put themselves in a position where they may harm others. If he's prone to spontaneous violence, he needs to pursue the necessary therapy and medication before a relationship. And I'd strongly implore to prioritize your safety over romance.

[catfeeder]

Sounds like you're discovering that he's dangerous. Sticking around for that because of 'love' isn't helpful, because even if he harms you accidentally, that's a life ruiner for him, and it's not so great for you, either.

 

I'd tell BF that I adore him, I can picture us together in the future, and that's why I need to walk away while we both still think highly of one another. I've observed behavior from him that scares me, and while he doesn't need to explain himself to me, he can decide whether to seek an assessment for the appropriate diagnosis and get treatment--or not. If he goes the treatment route and wants to meet to catch up after he's stabilized, we can do that. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

That's the only safe shot at preserving any potential for a future together, because staying with the guy to play amateur social worker could endanger both of you. Leaving sends the right message--get help if a loving relationship with me is worth it to you, otherwise, I'm out.

 

Anything short of that is playing with fire.

[DancingFool]

....Driving dangerously, slamming objects.....are the good times when he is "normal" worth losing your life over? Because ultimately that is what's at stake here. Driving dangerously is a split second away from a deadly accident on the road.

 

If he hasn't been diagnosed, then frankly you don't actually know if he is mentally ill OR if he is just an abusedr intentionally doing things to intimidate you of his "power". If he will not acknowledge that his behavior is in any way shape or form wrong, then it doesn't even matter what the issue is, because he won't fix it and so nothing is going to change with his actions.

 

It's one thing to be willing to be involved with someone who has mental illness when they are responsible with that and their health, when they seek medical help, go to therapy and take their meds. It's quite another to get involved with someone who is living in denial while acting dangerously. The latter you walk away from fast. Love won't cure his problems and neither will you trying to fix him. Quite the opposite, the more you try, the more he'll get enraged. Don't push your luck OP and walk away.

[Unreasonable]

It sounds to me like the guy is about to snap. He's holding in a lot of rage, not telling anyone about it, and releasing it explosively. Eventually it will go too far. If he doesn't seek treatment you probably want to rethink this relationship.

[abitbroken]

Please get away from him as quickly as you can.

[Snny]

Mood-wise he can be fine one minute and the next I know something is up because he'll start driving dangerously, slamming doors or just being aggressive (not to me but to objects)

I once worked with someone who behaved this way. It took a couple months for that person to start physically lashing out at people (including myself).

 

You should not be in a relationship with a person who is unable to regulate and self-manage anger. You will get hurt. This person needs a specialist, not a girlfriend.

[boltnrun]

His family must be aware of his issues.

 

Have you asked them?

[chitown9]

Who else is aware of his behavior? What family does he have that supports him? chi

[poorlittlefish]

I've only met his mother and just once, so I don't know her enough to ask. He said his ex suspected he has Aspergers, so that might suggest I'm not the first person for whom his behaviour has caused problems.

 

Part of me says I must bring out the worst in him for these behaviours to have come out in recent months but not all along. I don't understand how he could have hidden the vocal tics for 3-4 months or why he doesn't recognise when he's being aggressive.

[NightLily]

I agree with everybody else that you need to remove yourself from this situation. I had ended things with a guy who did some thinks that irked me:

-forced me to kiss him even after I said I didn't want to

-yelled at me

-drove recklessly one time because I was 5 minutes late, while grilling me again and again why

-even when he did apologize it never felt sincere and was always followed by excuses

 

He was getting therapy. But, turned out he was just using the sessions to talk about how he wants to help me and how he is just so sad over me--not dealing with his issues. Just using the opportunity to stroke his ego. You should maybe read my last thread I started and see if any of it resonates with you.

 

After I ended things he ended up hitting things out of my arms and hitting me in the process (details in my last thread). Of course he insisted afterwards he would never hit me and it was just an accident.

 

I ended things with him but I didn't realize that I needed to completely cut all ties--we live in the same neighborhood and have common friends. I think you are at the stage where those alarm bells are going off and having recently been in a similar situation, I can almost promise you that it won't get better. It will *very likely* get worse.

 

Even if doesn't get physical with you, the ups and downs with him will cycle a lot faster and much more severely. It isn't a great situation to be in. You should end it now. This is going to be one of those turning points where if you don't end it now, you will look back and kick yourself.

[boltnrun]

I've only met his mother and just once, so I don't know her enough to ask. He said his ex suspected he has Aspergers, so that might suggest I'm not the first person for whom his behaviour has caused problems.

 

Part of me says I must bring out the worst in him for these behaviours to have come out in recent months but not all along. I don't understand how he could have hidden the vocal tics for 3-4 months or why he doesn't recognise when he's being aggressive.

 

My guess is he stopped taking his medication. And he never told you he was on any.

[MissCanuck]

My guess is he stopped taking his medication. And he never told you he was on any.

 

I was about to write exactly this.

[glitterfingers]

I've only met his mother and just once, so I don't know her enough to ask. He said his ex suspected he has Aspergers, so that might suggest I'm not the first person for whom his behaviour has caused problems.

 

Part of me says I must bring out the worst in him for these behaviours to have come out in recent months but not all along. I don't understand how he could have hidden the vocal tics for 3-4 months or why he doesn't recognise when he's being aggressive.

 

Asperger's is not correlated with violence, to my knowledge. The only exception might be during a meltdown, which would have more obvious signs than just a slammed door.

 

From what you said, it's hard for me to gauge how extreme these behaviours are, as to whether it's a misjudgement on his part of the physical strength/force required to close a particular door or place a particular object which might therefore be causing him clumsiness and overexertion, or whether he's doing these things with attitude and anger. That (to me) makes a big difference. Is he lashing out while swearing under his breath, or is he simply using a lot of force without having an accompanying low mood, indicating that he leans more towards lack of awareness? My housemate is actually like this, slams pots and pans and doors, and it drives me up the damn wall and occasionally frightens me (as I'm highly sensitive to noise). But I understand some people just don't have the delicacy that I do and she's not a violent person by nature.

 

The reason I question whether this is done with violence or might be a misjudgement of the physical exertion required for certain tasks is because that IS something with is correlated with Asperger's - physical clumsiness and lack of fine motor skills.

 

However, this consideration certainly doesn't preclude you from avoiding putting yourself in harm's way. I've ended a friendship with someone I'd known for a decade over one incident of reckless driving that lasted maybe 10 mins, in which I had to get her to pull over and wrestle the keys out of her hands. That is absolutely unacceptable behaviour and I'd never get into a car with that person again, under any circumstances.

[chitown9]

I think that you need to discuss his behavior with his mom regardless of the fact that you don't know her that well. Tell her what he has been doing as ask her if he is taking medication. She may not be aware of his behavior. I also think that he is supposed to be taking medication and is not.

 

You need to get away from this person chi

[catfeeder]

I think that you need to discuss his behavior with his mom regardless of the fact that you don't know her that well. Tell her what he has been doing as ask her if he is taking medication. She may not be aware of his behavior. I also think that he is supposed to be taking medication and is not.

 

You need to get away from this person chi

 

I'd skip any pow-wow with his mother, it could be perceived as disloyal and set the guy off. It also wouldn't accomplish anything. I'd just get the hell away from him.

[poorlittlefish]

So we had a really good talk. It turns out he's had tics since childhood and they get worse when he's tired or stressed. He claimed not to realise that certain things come over as aggressive and asked me to tell him straight out if he does something like that.

 

I know I'm not the easiest person either, but I never let my feelings outwardly affect him. I've told him that while I can deal with the tics I absolutely will not put up with any form of aggression that makes me fear for my safety.

 

I know I should walk away, but on the other hand I also feel I should give him a chance to let me in on how he's feeling so we can handle things together. Only time will tell.

[catfeeder]

So we had a really good talk. It turns out he's had tics since childhood and they get worse when he's tired or stressed. He claimed not to realise that certain things come over as aggressive and asked me to tell him straight out if he does something like that.

 

I know I'm not the easiest person either, but I never let my feelings outwardly affect him. I've told him that while I can deal with the tics I absolutely will not put up with any form of aggression that makes me fear for my safety.

 

I know I should walk away, but on the other hand I also feel I should give him a chance to let me in on how he's feeling so we can handle things together. Only time will tell.

 

Someone who can't even recognize when he's being aggressive may not recognize when he's breaking your neck.

 

This isn't about 'feelings,' it's a lack of self control.

[chitown9]

Seriously, you need to get away from this guy pronto.