Wife versus mother on Mother's Day

[journeynow]

True, but Mother's day even moreso. Kind of.

 

Nah, I'm of the belief that holidays are what we make of them. Mother's Day is like any holiday in which we pay special attention to show our appreciation, like birthdays, Veteran's Days, Memorial Days, Valentine's Day, Independence Days, president's birthdays, Thanksgiving, New Year's Days, Wedding anniversaries. If you decide it means nothing to you, that's your choice. Maybe you are not a mother?

[Krankor]

Nah, I'm of the belief that holidays are what we make of them. Mother's Day is like any holiday in which we pay special attention to show our appreciation, like birthdays, Veteran's Days, Memorial Days, Valentine's Day, Independence Days, president's birthdays, Thanksgiving, New Year's Days, Wedding anniversaries. If you decide it means nothing to you, that's your choice. Maybe you are not a mother?

You are right about Holidays being what we make of them. Definitely not a mother though

[ThatwasThen]

I'm not saying my wife was forbidding that I recognize my mother, in fact she got her a present from the kids. My issue was the big deal she made about me inviting my mother to the restaurant.

 

My mother lives a couple hours away so it's not all that convenient to see her separately. Last year we saw grandma on the Saturday and celebrated Mother's Day on the Sunday, but regardless of how they get along (or don't get along), why is sharing a part of the day such a big "no no"?

Its not a "no no" in general, its just a "no no" to your rather silly (if I may say so) wife.

Again: Its not "Wife's Day" its "Mother's Day.]

[Seraphim]

I wouldn't invite my mother to a mother's day dinner with my wife. Not because of any preconceived notion of what is or isn't acceptable. I wouldn't because I know my wife and I know she would never want my mom at a dinner that is supposedly about her. Also on the same note she knows that for fathers day she would be more than welcomed to invite her dad to a dinner with us. I also wouldn't think twice about taking my mom out either. But I know my wife and moms relationship and I know it would dampen my wife's enjoyment of the evening so I wouldn't do that. But when it comes down to it I will always choose my wife's happiness over my mother's.

Can you talk to my husband? 😩

[journeynow]

Its not a "no no" in general, its just a "no no" to your rather silly (if I may say so) wife.

Again: Its not "Wife's Day" its "Mother's Day.]

 

Mother of your children is included in that term.

[journeynow]

Who is more actively mothering at the present, the mother with small children, or the mother of adult children who are successfully on their own? What's wrong with acknowledging and appreciating the one who is full-time 24-7-365 into it now, somewhere in the 18 to 21 year duration? It is not comparable, IMO, to the one who has essentially retired from the mothering role (or should be). Why is it contrived or Hallmarkized to, for ONE day, to give a nod toward a mother mothering? Anything later in life is icing on the cake, warm memories, but in the midst of it, as gratifying as it might be, it is also hard work with lots of demands on time, energy, resources, and sleep.

[ThatwasThen]

Mother of your children is included in that term.

No, I don't believe it is. It's up to one's children to honour their mother. I would never expect my husband to do anything but help our daughter to honour me when she was too young to do it on her own.

[journeynow]

No, I don't believe it is. It's up to one's children to honour their mother. I would never expect my husband to do anything but help our daughter to honour me.

 

Your husband doesn't appreciate how you mother your child? You two are parents together, him being a father to your child impacts YOUR life, just as how you mother your child impacts his.

[ThatwasThen]

Your husband doesn't appreciate how you mother your child?

Yes he did and he now appreciates how I "grandmother" my grand children. But I'm not his mother. I'm his wife. He showed me daily how he appreciates me in all aspects of our marriage and vice versa... That's how we've managed a 40+ year successful partnership.

 

You two are parents together, him being a father to your child impacts YOUR life, just as how you mother your child impacts his.

It's Mother's day and he honoured his mother on that day and I honoured mine with a visit to one and then another when they were both still alive. We didn't make a day for our mothers to be all about me... my daughter certainly made it all about me though.

 

IMO: Op's wife has entitlement issues that had he nipped in the bud the very first mother's day where she qualified as such, then he'd not be having any of this kind of problem now.

 

I just wish he'd put her on here and let her tell her side of the story so that she could hear something other then what she feels entitled to.

[thealchemist]

No, I don't believe it is. It's up to one's children to honour their mother. I would never expect my husband to do anything but help our daughter to honour me when she was too young to do it on her own.

I strongly disagree. I celebrate my wife during mother's day because she is without a doubt the most important mother in my life. The fact that she isn't MY mother is inconsiquential.

[SherrySher]

But without your mama, you wouldn't even be here nor would your wife have the pleasure of having you for her husband...your mom matters and should be honoured on this day.

 

And Krankor......grrrrrrrr

[Krankor]

I strongly disagree. I celebrate my wife during mother's day because she is without a doubt the most important mother in my life. The fact that she isn't MY mother is inconsiquential.

Well, I'm not married and don't have kids, but if I did I imagine my wife would get the lion's share of my attention throughout the year, not to mention special attention on Valentine's, her birthday, our anniversary, etc. I'm not she'd get no acknowledgement on mother's day, but Mother's Day would mostly--or at least in equal measure--be a day for me to honor the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, took care of me when I was sick, etc. If my wife were so petty and entitled as to begrudge her that there'd be an issue.

[ThatwasThen]

I strongly disagree. I celebrate my wife during mother's day because she is without a doubt the most important mother in my life. The fact that she isn't MY mother is inconsiquential.

 

I wouldn't want my husband to put me over his mother on MOTHER'S day. It's her day to be with her child/ren. Unless of course she was some dreadful shrew that dragged him up in dysfunction... then I could see why he didn't want to make the day about her.

[abitbroken]

While I understand that as long as your kids are young, you need to make sure that the kids all have cards and gifts for mom, but it doesn't quite sit well with me that once you're married with kids, that your own mother is a second class citizen.

 

Wives and mother-in-laws rarely get along, and so wives are none too keen to share this holiday.

 

From the husband's perspective, the wife is going to be celebrating Mother's Day for the rest of her life, but the husband's own mother may only have a decade left.

 

I can't see my wife being all cool about this when our son's have their own kids and are forced to minimize things with her in favour of their wives.

 

When you marry - you leave your parents and now you and your wife form a family. If you have young kids, I don't find it unreasonable to have breakfast or dinner with them and your wife to honor her for mother's day. Meet up with mom later. Either by going out to brunch with your wife and then stopping by your mother's for dinner with the family or whatever. There are only so many mother's days where her kids will be small. And if Grandma comes, Grandma will be their focus. Let her enjoy it, especially if she is the primary one who takes care of the kids. When you involve your mom, your wife is back into the hostess role. Let her not be the hostess for a day.

 

In my family, which is large and tightknit - my siblings do something for mother's day with their individual families and kids (siblings ages 32 to 44 with their respective spouses and some kids) and then we see our mother and Grandma at a late lunch at Grandma's house or we have already seen them the day or two before but not on the actual day.

 

Father's day ditto the same with dads, grandpa's, great grandpa's.

[abitbroken]

Well, I'm not married and don't have kids, but if I did I imagine my wife would get the lion's share of my attention throughout the year, not to mention special attention on Valentine's, her birthday, our anniversary, etc. I'm not she'd get no acknowledgement on mother's day, but Mother's Day would mostly--or at least in equal measure--be a day for me to honor the woman who gave birth to me, raised me, took care of me when I was sick, etc. If my wife were so petty and entitled as to begrudge her that there'd be an issue.

 

Agree...until you are holding a baby in your arms of your own, and then you will want to honor your wife on mother's day.

[itsallgrand]

I don't understand this version of Mother's Day at all. Makes me extra grateful for the grace my mom showed during mother days. I can't even fathom jealousy or entitlement about how that day is 'supposed to' play out or be. I love what Batya said about knowing your kid(s) love you. That's what it is all about. Since I was small, I have also given and shown appreciation on Mother's Day to my aunt who never had children but treated me like a mother would. As I got older, that my mom encouraged me to do that , made me appreciate that kind of mothering love in her even more. And it's only as I got older I really understood what she did and continued to do for me as a mom.

[Jibralta]

As I got older, that my mom encouraged me to do that , made me appreciate that kind of mothering love in her even more. And it's only as I got older I really understood what she did and continued to do for me as a mom.

 

Same here. My mom had her crazy moments for sure, but I never heard her declare which of all mothers is most deserving of mother's day! I'm surprised that 'which mother should he celebrate' is even a debatable topic. Why is Someguy69 the centerpiece of Mother's Day?

 

I think the real matter at hand is that Someguy69 likes to stir the pot with his wife and his mother. He's a lover of the litigious relationship, and enjoys the bad guy/good guy trial by others. Otherwise, why invite them to the same Mother's Day dinner when you know they don't get along, then tell all your friends and internet strangers all about the (predictable) problem that ensues?

 

And this excuse for planning things on the same day made absolutely no sense to me:

 

My mother lives a couple hours away so it's not all that convenient to see her separately.

 

How does mother's day make seeing her more convenient than any other day? Do your wife and mother live together or something?

[abitbroken]

Same here. My mom had her crazy moments for sure, but I never heard her declare which of all mothers is most deserving of mother's day! I'm surprised that 'which mother should he celebrate' is even a debatable topic. Why is Someguy69 the centerpiece of Mother's Day?

 

I think the real matter at hand is that Someguy69 likes to stir the pot with his wife and his mother. He's a lover of the litigious relationship, and enjoys the bad guy/good guy trial by others. Otherwise, why invite them to the same Mother's Day dinner when you know they don't get along, then tell all your friends and internet strangers all about the (predictable) problem that ensues?

 

And this excuse for planning things on the same day made absolutely no sense to me:

 

 

 

How does mother's day make seeing her more convenient than any other day? Do your wife and mother live together or something?

 

I didn't consider this point, and its a good one. If mom lives several hours away, you take your family on a pilgrimage to see her the weekend before or after and spend the day or night and then you phone her on mother's day. Mother's day should not be spent expecting your wife to drive several hours so your mother share in her moments of spending time with her small children. Or you can go visit mom yourself during the week. My parents did not drive out of state to be with their mothers on mother's day....ever. They called. they sent a card or something. Its not like Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter where we would travel or someone would travel to us to celebrate the day.

[Seraphim]

I had to my wedding anniversary and Mother's Day with my mother-in-law . There's nothing more obnoxious than doing this when the wife and mother-in-law don't get along .

[Jibralta]

I had to my wedding anniversary and Mother's Day with my mother-in-law . There's nothing more obnoxious than doing this when the wife and mother-in-law don't get along .

 

Yes. Makes you wonder who's it all for!

[Seraphim]

Yes. Makes you wonder who's it all for!

 

Yep! This is the only time I really fault my husband and the only time we truly argue. About the fact he can't seem be unbrainwashed by his parents. I can't wait for these people to die. Horrendous as it sounds.

[Deejay86]

I agree with this completely. I believe that mothers will always be important but, the mother of YOUR children should be most important. There's a really cool article that explains this really well that may help make it make sense by Fit Pregnancy called "what dads should do about Mother's Day" by Jeanne Faulkner (it wouldn't let me post the link but it should come up in any search engine).

 

It's a tough one but, really honoring your wife is possible without neglecting your mom. It's important to remember, you would be upset if she made her dad feel more special than she made you feel. I think sometimes it's tough to put ourselves in another person's shoes.

 

I saw some other responses that were concerning as well. Let's be honest, every marriage has issues so, the replies that imply that your marriage is the exception, ignore those. Guaranteed their marriages have issues too.

 

Also, the guy who keeps referring to your wife negatively and... an "arse" I believe? Interesting but, not helpful whatsoever. You should never stand for anyone insulting your wife even, when you are upset with her. You should also not follow any of his advice about calling your mom in front of your wife to spite her. Terrible idea and would work for no one. Never do anything out of spite. It won't help anything.

 

A lot of couples have trouble navigating holidays like Mother's Day but, I think if you put your wife first (you should do this anyway) and still make your mom feel special, you're golden. The trick is, navigating HOW! I hope that article helps you out. Best wishes.