Unilateral breakups...

[Krankor]

This is just something that's been on my mind today and I'm curious to get other people's take on it.

 

So I've had two relationships end in the past year, and they've followed a pretty similar trajectory. We got together, in the first case I pursued at first, in the second she did, but in both cases they ended up moving kind of fast with me. There seemed to be plenty of physical attraction and they both asked for an exclusive relationship within several weeks. Eveythings great, they are calling texting every day, talking about how happy they are, how great I am, how they want a future with me, etc. Then, at somewhere between the 4 or 5 month mark they suddenly start pulling away in the last week or so, and then I get either a phone call or a text with the whole "You're a great guy, but..."

 

In other words, in both cases we voluntarily both agreed to enter into a relationship together, and in both cases the woman made the executive, unilateral decision to end it. Her right, but was it really fair?

 

I mean, I didn't cheat. I wasn't abusive in any way. I wasn't hiding any drug use or anything like that. They just decided they weren't "feeling" it anymore. In the case of the first one, looking back I can see how I was probably communicating some insecurity and jealously that may have turned her off. In the second case, I'm really not sure where that went sideways. But that's not the point. I'm not trying to get either of them back (although ever since the one broke uo with me two weeks ago the first one--who I still work with--has been contacting me about random things. But that's a different matter. ) I'm just wondering if I was actually wronged in some way. I bounce back and forth between two different thoughts:

 

1. "They couldn't help how they felt. If they weren't feeling it it wouldn't have been fair to either them or me to continue. They had to follow their hearts and really did the only kind thing by setting me free to potentially find someone else with stronger feelings."

 

2. "It was BS of them just to dump me like that. I did nothing to deserve it. We weren't just dating causally. They voluntarily entered into relationships with me and if they were running into a problem owed it to me to talk to me about it and try to work it out. Maybe there wouldn't have been anything I could have done but you never know. They had it for me once and maybe just needed me to back off a little or something to start feeling it again. At least I should have been in on the decision to break up, not just tossed aside like I'm nothing."

 

Any thoughts on that, not just about my situation but in general about these unilateral break ups in which the dumpee really didn't do anything "wrong."

[vesper]

It might just be a test to see how you really feel. If you fight to get them back.

[SadSadgirl]

4-5 months infatuation wears off. there's nothing wrong with you, but sometimes when the infatuation wears off they see the reality of the relationship and decide its not something they wanna commit to. this is also known as the "honeymoon phase" in relationships which people tend to mistake for love.

[limichelle]

I agree!

 

In the beginning it's all nice and fun, then when the newness wears off some people take that as a bad sign.

Hang in there you will find someone with realistic expectations of what a relationship should be about.

[Krankor]

I understand all of that and I appreciate the replies. But what I'm really trying to sort out in my own mind is whether or not these sort of unilateral break ups are fair and right or not.

[SadSadgirl]

I understand all of that and I appreciate the replies. But what I'm really trying to sort out in my own mind is whether or not these sort of unilateral break ups are fair and right or not.

 

gotcha. in my opinion, no it's not really fair. i was broken up with when the infatuation wore off and was given the "its not you, it's me". BUT, i would rather be broken up with right when they're not feeling it than to have them drag it on.

[Billie28]

Many relationships end at around that 5 month mark. And it's simply when the honeymoon period ends.

We are on our best behaviour at the beginning but lapse into who we truly are after some months and it's when we reveal our true selves to each other that we either see great compatibility or lack of.

 

Infatuation either turns to love or it doesn't.

Some settle some get out.

Some are addicted to the honeymoon phase and might be nothing to do with you that they get out.

 

Is it fair to end it by text or call? No. It's cowardly.

But many do it. They are the kind of people who are insensitive to others feelings and not the kind of person you would want to be in a relationship with.

 

Next relationship , don't change anything. Be yourself. If it's right it will go beyond the 5 month mark.

[1a1a]

Completely fair to unilaterally decide to end it. You can't force feelings that aren't there, and one day you might yourself unilaterally decide to end it with someone because you aren't feeling it.

 

Don't trust love that comes so fast!!!

[SherrySher]

It's never fair, per se, I mean it hurts, right? You did everything as right as you could, you felt all the necessary elements were there, it seemed like it was on the right track, and boom..it's over with.

It's frustrating and is obviously making your question yourself and question how things went. Unfortunately there never is really any kind of fairness in break ups or justifications that can sit well, especially if you're the dumpee.

Best you can do is draw a line under it and just hope for better in the future. Sometimes it can all seem spot on but then end up not so much. Hang in there, crossing fingers for you for your next relationship.

[charity]

I understand all of that and I appreciate the replies. But what I'm really trying to sort out in my own mind is whether or not these sort of unilateral break ups are fair and right or not.

 

In my opinion they are totally fair.

 

They entered into a relationship with you. Time progressed. They got to know you better and decided they didn't want to continue. So they ended the relationship.

 

What's not fair about that? I think you are mistaking the feeling of something sad happening to you to be 'unfair'.

[SooSad33]

I don't know your age? But is interesting to see that they both 'spoke of the future with you'...

 

The FACT is... No one knows how things will end.. or if they will last.

We all get into things, taking that chance.. which is also a risk.

 

Yes, it hurts if you ARE truly interested in them and they flake out Been there.

 

BUT- you don't want to be in something that's not 'real'. Where they don't hold true feelings for you. Then, is always best for that to end.

Just shows they're not one for you.

 

There are no guarantee's... but is also wrong for anyone to 'set you up' to think you're that great. Don't say something so critical, when it's just crap.

 

I suggest you take some down time... on your own and just take it easy.

Don't be trying to jump into yet something again.. just cause you may be 'lonely'.

 

Life is an experience, and sadly, not always good But try to not end up ruined over all of this.

 

I dated a cpl guys thru HS til I met my ex ( together almost 10 yrs)- fell apart cause he's and alcy.

Next one less time.. he's mental.

Next 5 yrs.. he was a cheat

 

Then.. just short term relations since then. Now, it's touch n go. BUT, I have eased off on going there for the past year.

I NEED my mental & emotional energy to be present. Not be broken.

And some rough experiences have left me.... damaged, I will admit.

 

So--- only thing to do is take care of ME for a while.

 

Anyways.... take it easy... continue to life YOUR Life. Get out with friends... and if or when something may occur again someday... let these experiences make you more aware. ( Lessen your expectations?).

Even if they were to say such things-- in such short time together.. don't believe it.

Cause they don't know.. and neither do you!

 

Just enjoy their company.. do things together.. try to get to know them. And over time you will see IF you are that 'compatible'... or not.

 

This is just how it is, sometimes. But.. you do NOT want to be involved with someone who does not share the same 'feelings' as you are. ( and especially dont drag it on).

 

One day at a time.... keep going.

[Wiseman2]

It may not be fair or right but unfortunately that's usually how it is. One looses interest or notices it's not working and in relationships breaks up or in marriages files for divorce. I

 

t may be mutual in the sense that both notice it or it's uncontested, whatever.

 

It's like a sports event. Somebody's got to go first. Perhaps the one who wants to 'work on it' or hopes it's a phase also realizes it but simply waits for the other to finally pull the plug.

[Krankor]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I'm 40. My last gf was 35 and the one before that was 48. That's part of my frustration; I just expect more maturity at this age.

 

I don't want someone to stay with me who doesn't want to be there, trying to force herself to feel something she doesn't. I just believe that once you enter into a relationship with someone that if you run into a problem you should try to work it out with that person first, and then break up if there isn't a resolution. Breaking up and dumping are two different things.

 

Maybe I'm being whiny but I just don't appreciate being built up just to get knocked down. I'm over it and moving on and don't believe that either of these women owed it to me to stay with me. Just don't ask me for a relationship if you're just going to flake out on me within a few months. At least talk to me if you're having a problem.

[SadSadgirl]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I'm 40. My last gf was 35 and the one before that was 48. That's part of my frustration; I just expect more maturity at this age.

 

I don't want someone to stay with me who doesn't want to be there, trying to force herself to feel something she doesn't. I just believe that once you enter into a relationship with someone that if you run into a problem you should try to work it out with that person first, and then break up if there isn't a resolution. Breaking up and dumping are two different things.

 

Maybe I'm being whiny but I just don't appreciate being built up just to get knocked down. I'm over it and moving on and don't believe that either of these women owed it to me to stay with me. Just don't ask me for a relationship if you're just going to flake out on me within a few months. At least talk to me if you're having a problem.

 

i tried to convince my ex that we could work on things but he still left, i now realize he's a love addict.. anyway. sometimes there isn't a problem, maybe they've just become bored and want someone else to be infatuated with. the women you dated sound immature.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand all of that and I appreciate the replies. But what I'm really trying to sort out in my own mind is whether or not these sort of unilateral break ups are fair and right or not.

 

Yes, they are fair and right.

 

Being the dumpee sucks, I get it. But that's how it generally happens 90% of the time. Usually, someone wants the relationship less than the other. I've been dumped and it made me feel bad about myself for a short period. So, I completely understand your questions.

 

But having found my husband, I see how those folks weren't properly suited for me and the right thing was for them to pull the trigger versus ending it later.

[Ms Darcy]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

 

I'm 40. My last gf was 35 and the one before that was 48. That's part of my frustration; I just expect more maturity at this age.

 

I don't want someone to stay with me who doesn't want to be there, trying to force herself to feel something she doesn't. I just believe that once you enter into a relationship with someone that if you run into a problem you should try to work it out with that person first, and then break up if there isn't a resolution. Breaking up and dumping are two different things.

 

Maybe I'm being whiny but I just don't appreciate being built up just to get knocked down. I'm over it and moving on and don't believe that either of these women owed it to me to stay with me. Just don't ask me for a relationship if you're just going to flake out on me within a few months. At least talk to me if you're having a problem.

 

Is the maturity ending the relationship or the way it ended? I mean, the first woman - that was not going to work out. There was way too much drama and she wasn't over her ex. This second woman ... she ended it in a very immature way (by text). However, ending it wasn't inherently immature.

 

Hugs, dude. I feel you. I would also suggest that you actually figure out if marriage is what you want. I don't know if that will make a difference for you, but I was always upfront about wanting a relationship that would lead to marriage and that helped weed out non-serious guys.

[Krankor]

Is the maturity ending the relationship or the way it ended? I mean, the first woman - that was not going to work out. There was way too much drama and she wasn't over her ex. This second woman ... she ended it in a very immature way (by text). However, ending it wasn't inherently immature.

 

Hugs, dude. I feel you. I would also suggest that you actually figure out if marriage is what you want. I don't know if that will make a difference for you, but I was always upfront about wanting a relationship that would lead to marriage and that helped weed out non-serious guys.

Well, I don't think it's immature to choose to end a relationship per se. But I do consider flakiness an immature quality. If someone goes from "I am so happy you are in my life. I want you in my bed everyday and I think I'll finally get my happy ending with you" to "Nah" within a couple of weeks that's flakey any way you slice it.

 

With the first one, she is just kind of immature in general. If you knew her you'd know what I mean. She's a nice person and a good mom to her 3 girls (even if she acts too much like one of their girlfriends sometimes IMO) but she is just kind of immature. She acts like a ditzy, flirty 20-year-old. But I knew that going in. That was me just wanting what I wanted and ignoring certain realities. That's on me.

 

With the second one, she contacted me on a dating app. I had "wants a relationship" as my "what I'm looking for" and she had "casual dating." After talking for a bit I asked her if she was only interested in casual dating and she said no, ultimately she was looking for a relationship. Like I said, she was the one who brought up becoming "official".

I really don't know where that went off track.

 

I talked to a counselor because I was trying to figure out if something was wrong with me, and she thinks I'm secretly afraid of commitment and am subconsciously choosing women who I know it's not going to work out with. I'm not sure if she got the right read on me but it's worth a thought.