Can't get over girlfriends past

[lostandhurt]

Reading your last thread about this girl you sound like you are insecure about her past, not worried about it.

 

She is very close to a guy she had sex with and hangs out alone with him frequently.

She gets horny when she smokes weed and smokes weed with this "friend"

 

These things make you uncomfortable but you stay silent because you don't want to be controlling.

 

Now her sexual past is coming out and you are reliving some of your earlier fears and creating new ones in your head.

 

Let me ask you one simple question: How many is to many sexual partners in your opinion? 3? 5? 6? Do you see where I am coming from?

 

This is why the past needs to stay where it is. DO NOT ASK ANYMORE QUESTIONS! You are not going to like the answers you get. No one would and that is why you shouldn't ask.

 

This comes down to accepting that she cannot change her past just like you can't change yours. You need to either accept her and all her flaws or break up with her. There is no fixing this on her end only on yours.

 

I would be more concerned why she had sex with so many guys and girls in high school. Was she seeking validation?

 

Next time don't ask questions you aren't prepared to hear the answers to.

 

Lost

[abitbroken]

I get the whole "her past is her past thing" but its in the present if she gave her best guy friend a blowjob and he is still in her life very regularly and she makes offhand comments about bjs, other sexual acts she has done. its one thing to be open as far as your new bf/gf knows that you were previously engaged or divorced, had other relationships, but all of the little details she is bringing up - maybe its time to ask her why she does. Its very uncool to expect you to say 'her past is the past" if she keeps bringing it up. if she was promiscuous in the past and now is trying for a clean slate with a monogamous relationship, that's fine, then its a clean slate, but continuing to remind you of all the sordid details is contrary to this idea. Is she trying to titillate you, is she over sharing or is she seeing attention with all the info?

 

Also, about her guy bestie that she gave a blowjob too, either she shouldn't have told you or the dude has got to fade into the background and not be so prominent in her life anymore - anyone that she has had sex with should be whether she thought the sex was good or it was a bad idea.

 

I don't think its fair for you to all the sudden have a problem with her past when you knew about it going into it. But I don't think its fair to say its wrong to be uncomfortable either.

[reinventmyself]

I am good about not asking questions.

My recent guy and I broke up for 4 mos and upon reconciliation I asked him about his goings on's during our break.

I must admit it tripped me up.

I regretting asking because it changed things for me. I felt insecure when I typically did not.

Either way. . knowledge or no knowledge it didn't change the fact that we had chosen once again to be together.

 

I realized I had only one of two choices. . Let it bother me or let it go.

Straddling the fence and second guessing was not an option and that's what you are doing now.

You are neither fully in or out.

 

So ultimately you must know you need to make a choice. And by making a choice you then apply it.

It's not easy and more of an act of discipline. You can put it aside. . if you choose to.

[Mari]

"This poor woman" implies I am inflicting pain on her. We are very happy, she got out of an abusive relationship a year ago, and she doesn't know about what I'm struggling with. I love her more than anything and I believe her when she says that she loves me and is happy with me. Implying that our relationship is bad for her hurt me, the idea of that being true is unthinkable, because the last thing I want is to hurt her and I can't even imagine having to leave her because I am causing her pain. Sorry if i misinterpreted, but what I got from it was that you were saying I was hurting her, and staying in the relationship would be harming her and helping me. You stated two options, getting over it or leaving her, and that you hoped it would be the latter, due to one of my remarks, which I took, in combination with calling her "this poor girl," as you believing I am bad for her and that I should leave her for her sake. And the idea of that is very painful to me. I don't believe it, but it hurt me to think that that was an outside observer's take on the situation. Again, I'm sorry if I misinterpreted.

 

What you're going through is what people define as special and sacred to their relationship. Look at swingers, they don't consider it cheating or care. This is because they do not consider the act as something special only for the both of them. Then there are people that consider sitting on the passenger side of a car as special and will not do it with anyone else of the opposite gender except their spouse. They may even get upset if their spouse does this. So to you, as many of us, who she sleeps with is considered sacred and cannot be given away. I would say that perhaps during her earlier days she may not have had self esteem, or may have been destructive, or just may not have cared. She did things and now you sit here asking how is it that she allowed so many others that barely know her to do what you consider as sacred?

 

To resolve this issue, you're going to have accept that what she did in the past is not a definition of who she is now. And this is something you should know by talking to her. Is she more like a swinger or is she more reserved as you are. If you both value the same things now you could continue the relationship by letting go of her past as something she did when young. If you two don't share the same values them there may be problems.

 

As a side story, I read one woman that didn't mind her husband being with others because she felt that was just his body. What she minded was anyone trying to spend time with him to make a connection as she considered that as sacred and she would consider that cheating.

[Krankor]

I had an ex tell me about an encounter that she had shortly before we met that really, really bothered me for kind of a long time. There was just something about it that I did not like; mostly, I just didn't like picturing her that way. It haunted me for a while but eventually I just got past it.

 

I'm not going to judge or lecture you. These thoughts are bothering you and causing you pain and you are wisely reaching out for help. Good man, and you've gotten some good advice from people who've been in similar situations. With time and a little effort you can and will get past this.

 

Make it clear to your girlfriend that you'd prefer not to hear anymore about her past and don't dig for anymore details. The more details you have the more they'll haunt your thoughts.

 

I'm 40, my newish girlfriend is 35. I like the person who I've gotten know for who she is in the present and never ask her about her past and have pretty much told her I dont want to know. She seems fairly experienced in the bedroom. I simply enjoy that fact and am not about to get the details of how that sausage was made.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. TMI is not a good thing.

I simply enjoy that fact and am not about to get the details of how that sausage was made.

]

[RainyCoast]

*Lost keeps cueing us to read previous threads*

 

i think you are worried about her present behavior. the excuse you tell yourself is that her past is unforgivable. actually, that sounds like a displaced fear. what she is doing now rightfully has you questioning her loyalty, her morals, her take on intimacy.

[abitbroken]

From your previous thread

 

Background info: my girlfriend was a bit "loose" throughout high school. She isnt proud of it, so i dont know details, but its safe to say she has slept with a large number of guys. She has a lot of close male friends. Probably 50% of her close friends are male. She has told me that she once slept with one of them, but it was a while ago and they both agreed it was a mistake. I havent met him yet (me and her are at the same college but live far apart), but I know his name and she texts him somewhat frequently (but not an abnormal amount for a friend-thats not what worries me). However, she spends a lot of time hanging out with him when she is home from college, and its usually just him and her. I told her I dont mind her still being friends with him, because Im trying to be trusting and not restrictive, but she spends more time with him than anyone else when she isnt at college. For example, she returned home today and is "chilling" with him tonight.

 

Okay, call a spade a spade. She is on a different planet than you. You are RIGHT to not be okay with her past. I would honestly dump her. She has very poor boundaries, and I don't doubt that this "one friend she slept with" is not actually more than one friend. Go find yourself a girl who has some morals and is waiting for the right guy - and is not making a mockery out of a relationship. There are lots of great girls out there who have not had sex, or they only have in the context of a loving and exclusive relationship and has not freely passed out bjs and hookups to friends that want them

[RainyCoast]

let's not forget the

"getting stoned/ pot horny together" bit.

 

you said you also smoke OP, it may be exacerbating your worry and intrusive thoughts. but regardless, the worry isn't unwarranted. i suggest you don't blind yourself to your current concerns. you won't even remember her past if you look at the current relationship without the rosy specs.

[KantSleep]

I don't know how many girls my boyfriend slept with and I am not interested. I am only interested in that he sleeps only with me, as long as we are a couple. If you are playing this over and over again in your head, you can either seek help from a professional therapist, or break up with her. I have a feeling the next girl will have something that bothers you as well. So getting help sounds like the better way to go - in the long haul. Good luck.

[abitbroken]

I don't know how many girls my boyfriend slept with and I am not interested. I am only interested in that he sleeps only with me, as long as we are a couple. If you are playing this over and over again in your head, you can either seek help from a professional therapist, or break up with her. I have a feeling the next girl will have something that bothers you as well. So getting help sounds like the better way to go - in the long haul. Good luck.

 

So you are cool with your boyfriend hanging out and chilling with a girl that he had sex with before he met you and does so every chance he gets even if he is currently in a relationship with you? Or do you say "the past is the past"

[KantSleep]

I guess I missed that part. I thought OP was upset about her past sexual relationships (too many of them). My BF has quite a few female friends. I don't believe he has slept with any of them, except his ex-wife, whom he is still friendly with.

[reinventmyself]

What you're going through is what people define as special and sacred to their relationship. Look at swingers, they don't consider it cheating or care. This is because they do not consider the act as something special only for the both of them. Then there are people that consider sitting on the passenger side of a car as special and will not do it with anyone else of the opposite gender except their spouse. They may even get upset if their spouse does this. So to you, as many of us, who she sleeps with is considered sacred and cannot be given away. I would say that perhaps during her earlier days she may not have had self esteem, or may have been destructive, or just may not have cared. She did things and now you sit here asking how is it that she allowed so many others that barely know her to do what you consider as sacred?

 

To resolve this issue, you're going to have accept that what she did in the past is not a definition of who she is now. And this is something you should know by talking to her. Is she more like a swinger or is she more reserved as you are. If you both value the same things now you could continue the relationship by letting go of her past as something she did when young. If you two don't share the same values them there may be problems.

 

As a side story, I read one woman that didn't mind her husband being with others because she felt that was just his body. What she minded was anyone trying to spend time with him to make a connection as she considered that as sacred and she would consider that cheating.

I liked your take on this.

For some, it's not something that's easily given away, but rather, something special.

 

If it bothers him that she treated it in a more causal way then is comfortable for him then it's his right to question it and what it ultimately means for them.

 

To paint him a neurotic and in need of therapy is probably a little heavy handed.

 

I do agree on two things though.

 

Stop asking questions!

And make a choice to as to whether to let it go or decide it's a deal breaker.

I don't see an option three.

[Wiseman2]

You're not reading the odometer on a used car. You are dating a girl who is open and honest about herself. Take it or leave it.

[itsallgrand]

Why not just find someone who you aren't uncomfortable with right out of the gate?

[Anotherreason]

Listen to me.

 

People are a collection of their past actions. She has impulse control issues and you respect yourself enough to see it bothers you. Someone can be pretty cool outside of that kind of issue. But, it's a huge but, they're 99 times out of a hundred going to hurt you. I've LIVED that, forget what these internet "shamer"-shamers, tell you. They won't tell you promiscuous people are way higher risk investments.

 

These people telling you to "accept" her promiscuity are sheep.

 

A promiscuous woman? Can seriously wreck you.

 

You are programmed BY evolution to want to avoid women who are loose AND there are real world examples of why they are typically not good for your mental and emotional health.

 

They will white knight the sht out of a female they don't even know for whatever reason and invalidate any criticism of her sltty ways. Why? Modern feminism trying to FORCE men to just get over a biological disgust at skanky women. They scream misogynist because frankly? They don't fing know better.

 

They'd rather encourage females to sl*t it up than admit they're wrong. It is not healthy and life experience is going to bear this out eventually. I've seen it, other guys see it, women even see it. IT IS YOUR BUSINESS because her past affects who she is NOW. Don't kid yourself.

 

It doesn't mean shes an object, or an inferior to men, or me, or that she isnt overall a good person. It means you reap what you sow, and by the time she's thirty she'll have let 30+ guys do her. Unless you feel like dealing with an inability to properly bond with you, forget it. I know it hurts. It makes you feel 100% disposable and gross. This isnt because you're twisted or sick or selfish. That is the twisted sick selfish stuff here, that these people are telling you you're wrong for feeling a way.

[lostandhurt]

Wow!

 

You are perpetuating a double standard.

 

It comes down to this. If you have a problem that your gf has had sex with more people than you have then dump her but don't make it a numbers game.

 

If a guy had scored this much in high school and his gf was bothered by it I am sure there are some that would give totally different advice just because he is male

 

 

 

Lost

[ParisPaulette]

There are so many different issues going on with this post I've lost track, but OP it really comes down to this. You are in no position to judge anyone, but you are in a position to simply say, "You know, this relationship with this person right here, just doesn't work for me" and to then walk away and find someone that is a better match for you.

 

It's a free world. It's not like there was a lottery and this person is who you got stuck with and gee you're not happy with the deal you got. So end it already and listen to this song, maybe 5,000 times to get the point I'm making: [video=youtube;DJ6yW6MJ-gY] ]

 

- you are not perfect, I am not perfect, no one is perfect. But if her past and attitude towards sex and boundaries doesn't work for you it's really simple - walk away.

 

Yeah, it's that easy.

 

EDITED: To put in the real version of the song. Not the sanitized version.

[jenkinsbob623]

This thread is a mess. As much as you probably won't believe me, this guy actually was not me. I don't agree with him either, because I don't believe what he's saying. He's essentially saying my gf is an unfaithful who's going to sleep with 30 guys by the time she's thirty which actually pisses me off to all hell, so that guy. I never said I think she is still ty, and I am not worried about her cheating on me. I trust her. I am trying to deal with my own issue of me not being able to stop torturing myself by thinking about her past non stop even though I hate it. I will defend my postings but this guy has completely different reasonings than what I have stated throughout this thread. I completely disagree with him that she can't change or is "risky." I have just been trying to get advice on how to deal with my issues

[Dahl]

Fair enough. I retract my skepticism.

 

How do you feel you're doing? Have you been able to find professional intervention you think will be a good fit?

[jenkinsbob623]

Fair enough. I retract my skepticism.

 

How do you feel you're doing? Have you been able to find professional intervention you think will be a good fit?

 

I have next to no money right now, and my parents don't have the money to pay for a therapist either. I've been looking at online help for people with OCD and using those strategies to deal with my problem, and it's helping. It still sucks, and I'm definitely not over it yet, but its getting a little better and I'm hoping that I'll eventually stop thinking about it totally. If by this summer the problem persists I'll have some money from working and I'll find a therapist

[Dahl]

I have next to no money right now, and my parents don't have the money to pay for a therapist either. I've been looking at online help for people with OCD and using those strategies to deal with my problem, and it's helping. It still sucks, and I'm definitely not over it yet, but its getting a little better and I'm hoping that I'll eventually stop thinking about it totally. If by this summer the problem persists I'll have some money from working and I'll find a therapist

 

 

I can appreciate the dilemma you're facing.

 

How do you feel about a group setting? With a private practitioner, these are frequently reduced in cost.

 

Many private practitioners will also charge on a sliding scale based on your current financial situation, if that term is useful in your research.

 

And also, may I suggest that you explore community outreach opportunities. I volunteer at a local community center that has - gosh, I can't even count how many groups and subgroups - of all types and styles - providing everything from professional services to licensed agents to simply peer-to-peer support.

 

The groups, just by way of reference, that I'm currently involved with range from parents and partners healing after familial trauma (to or involving children), parents and partners of and with children diagnosed with autism and, third, sexual assault survivors. The center is entirely operated by volunteers and the funding is almost exclusively donation based. No members are required to pay any fees whatsoever.

[avoidatallcost]

Listen to me.

 

People are a collection of their past actions. She has impulse control issues and you respect yourself enough to see it bothers you. Someone can be pretty cool outside of that kind of issue. But, it's a huge but, they're 99 times out of a hundred going to hurt you. I've LIVED that, forget what these internet "shamer"-shamers, tell you. They won't tell you promiscuous people are way higher risk investments.

 

These people telling you to "accept" her promiscuity are sheep.

 

A promiscuous woman? Can seriously wreck you.

 

You are programmed BY evolution to want to avoid women who are loose AND there are real world examples of why they are typically not good for your mental and emotional health.

 

They will white knight the sht out of a female they don't even know for whatever reason and invalidate any criticism of her sltty ways. Why? Modern feminism trying to FORCE men to just get over a biological disgust at skanky women. They scream misogynist because frankly? They don't fing know better.

 

They'd rather encourage females to sl*t it up than admit they're wrong. It is not healthy and life experience is going to bear this out eventually. I've seen it, other guys see it, women even see it. IT IS YOUR BUSINESS because her past affects who she is NOW. Don't kid yourself.

 

It doesn't mean shes an object, or an inferior to men, or me, or that she isnt overall a good person. It means you reap what you sow, and by the time she's thirty she'll have let 30+ guys do her. Unless you feel like dealing with an inability to properly bond with you, forget it. I know it hurts. It makes you feel 100% disposable and gross. This isnt because you're twisted or sick or selfish. That is the twisted sick selfish stuff here, that these people are telling you you're wrong for feeling a way.

 

Excellent post, one of the best I've ever read here on enotalone. This site needs more posts (and posters) like this.

 

OP, choosing the person you will spend much of your time with and fall in love with is one of the most important decisions you can ever make. Frankly, I am shocked that people have the perspective that what a person did in their past to become who they are today is none of your business.. if you are allowing them to be a part of your life then you should know everything you possibly can about them. A good predictor of how a person will be is based upon how they used to be: and it's true that although people may make changes here and there, personality wise a leopard never changes its spots. Whenever you look into making someone your partner and companion, it's always important to at least get a feel for their last relationships. Does she have sex without being in committed relationships? Does she have a history of chaotic romances? I have found that the problems a woman has had with her previous lovers.. she will very often continue to have with me.

 

It sounds like your woman is quite young and is already well on the way to being a cvm receptacle for other men. If you are ok with this, then by all means continue to see her. I can already tell you that this will not end well, women who are turned on by the impulsiveness and thrill of having sex with lots of different men is not conducive to a meaningful, lasting relationship. Take it from male posters here who have experience dating women, the ones who are sexually easy are good for one thing and one thing only.

 

Don't worry about perpetuating double standards, being hypocritical, or any other common shaming tactics that are used to force you to accept terrible behavior from a potential partner. Your only focus should be on you and on your needs, for only if you are truly happy will you make your partner happy.

[lostandhurt]

If you really care for this girl then stop asking questions about her past so you can begin to deal with what you already know.

 

Next you need to totally accept that this is who she WAS and then also accept that she has stated that this is not who she is NOW. It doesn't even matter if she regrets what she has done or not because she was free to do as she wanted. She didn't lie, cheat or betray anyone did she?

 

Once you are able to truly accept these things and then also see her for who she is today and focus on that you will begin to do better.

 

Here is a little trick that might help you. When you feel yourself starting to think about her past or dwell on it ask yourself this one simple question: "What good will come from me thinking about this?" Then think about something else like a song or a happy moment with her. In time these negative thoughts will be farther and farther apart until one day it won't even be a thing.

 

What ever you do never blame her or throw this in her face. This is your burden not hers.

 

Good luck

Lost

[avoidatallcost]

If you really care for this girl then stop asking questions about her past so you can begin to deal with what you already know.

 

No, it's very important for the OP or anyone looking to make someone their significant other to find out about their past so they can make better judgments about the person they are with and whether they possess the qualities of someone they want to be with and emotionally invest themselves in.

 

Next you need to totally accept that this is who she WAS and then also accept that she has stated that this is not who she is NOW. It doesn't even matter if she regrets what she has done or not because she was free to do as she wanted. She didn't lie, cheat or betray anyone did she?

 

When trying to find a partner to spend much of your life with, promiscuity can raise just as much of a red flag - if not even more so - than factors such as lying, cheating, or betraying. Besides, I find it extremely doubtful that a woman who has had so many sex partners has NEVER been involved in any kind of lying, cheating, betrayal, triangulation etc.

 

This is your burden not hers.

 

I disagree.. this is her burdern just as much as it the OP's. I seriously doubt he is the first boyfriend who had a problem with her promiscuity. And he won't be the last. Unless she addresses this issue, she will continue to date men who - if they have any sense of self respect - will always continue to question her quality as a girlfriend based on the fact that she has been so sexually easy for so many men.